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To want dh to share some night feeds?

(24 Posts)
mouffloncake Sun 19-Jun-11 04:27:30

just a few, not all of them.

I've done every night feed since dd was born coming up 5 weeks ago & would really, really appreciate just the one night off.....

I express & have some milk stored in the freezer but when I mentioned dh doing a night, he just said it wouldn't be fair because he works (from home).
Ok during the week. But not at weekends?

He will gladly feed dd during the day to "give me down time" altho this tends to happen when I hit the no longer functioning thru lack of sleep mode. I'd much rather just the one solid nights rest than being given time off during the day.

5DollarShake Sun 19-Jun-11 04:56:26

YANBU and you know it.

I b/fed and couldn't be arsed expressing so I did all the feeds, but DH would happily have done some had I been willing to express.

He needs to compromise on this. You work as well - maybe not paid work, but what does he think you do all day - sit on your arse eating hobnobs, watching Jeremy Kile while your DD looks after herself and the housework takes care of itself? hmm

He needs to do one weekend night per week, at the very least; if not a minimum of one week night on top of that.

Can you put it to him this way and see what he says? Otherwise you're going to end feeling hugely resentful of him and people that massively resent other people generally don't want to have sex with those people.

iscream Sun 19-Jun-11 05:02:17

Yanbu. Fair enough during the week, (not really since he works from home, unless he is using heavy machinery or something dangerous to do when tired) at home. Week-ends he should do both nights. My dh did them every night, but he worked afternoons so was awake anyways. He does do dangerous work though, with an hours drive to work each way, and works 10 hour shifts, and I would not have wanted him to have disrupted sleep during his work week.

iscream Sun 19-Jun-11 05:06:09

Sorry about the wording being a bit dis-jointed. I meant, fair enough during the work week USUALLY, but if your dh may just be a bit tired the next day, he should try to be fair and give you a bit of an uninterrupted sleep. Definitely week ends no matter what.

iscream Sun 19-Jun-11 05:08:01

Rats, I am not wording it right. See what happens when sleep deprived!

Basically, if your dh doesn't do a dangerous job then tell him to man up and share feeding/changing the baby at night!

pirateparty Sun 19-Jun-11 05:28:20

YADNBU!

Can't believe he's getting away with this! After 5 weeks you need a night off. I agree if he's working from home and not doing long commute or heavy/ dangerous work then no reason why he can't let you even have a stretch of un-interrupted sleep even if it's not a whole night.

How does he think that this is acceptable when you are asking for a break? I think he should ask himself where his priorites lie, and when your dw/ dp is struggling with new baby then he really shouldn't need prompting that he should offer even just one or occasional night of helping out. I am also bf'ing atm and haven't expressed yet as ds only 2wks but dh does get up and help with nappies and also will let him sleep on him whilst he watches tv/reads when he won't settle in Moses basket.

Tell your dh to man up!

pirateparty Sun 19-Jun-11 05:42:07

And don't 'mention him doing a night' - sit down and explain to him the reality of what you've been doing every night for past five weeks and tell him he needs to give you a break. Not negotiable. It's about being a team or you will really struggle, and I suspect you will end up seriously resenting him. I know I'd be furious and very sad if my dh couldn't do this to help me out - that he prioritised himself so much.

I ebf ds1 and he was a bad sleeper with frequent night feeds for sometime and know that if you don't get some help this early on, most people will struggle - he really needs to understand you are not asking for anything unreasonable here, and that everything will suffer if he doesn't get his act together and help out!

5DollarShake Sun 19-Jun-11 06:17:43

Break it down for him. He can't even face the thought of doing ONE night - and yet he's absolutely fine with the fact that you've done EVERY night for the past 5 weeks??

How does he square this for himself in his own mind?

idlevice Sun 19-Jun-11 06:29:10

Is there a possible compromise option available at least in the first place? Eg he could do the latest feed at night so you could get a bit more sleep earlier or vice versa with the first morning feed? (or whatever you would consider the last/first feed as they may be quite frequent still at this stage!). Or could he get the baby up for you in the night & bring to you while you have a chance to come to for the feed, or change & re-settle baby after the feed?

I think I only had one night where DP did a complete night feed as I had woken up anyway as too attuned to the baby & I couldn't sleep again properly until I knew it had all gone ok, so it kind of defeated the purpose! but many times DP would get DS up & changed & ready for the feed or vice versa. Also don't forget that you will gradually be getting more sleep as time goes by - it doesn't last forever. Apparently a 4hr stretch of sleep is the minimum to qualify as a proper sleep for an adult - you will soon reach that stage!

Andrewofgg Sun 19-Jun-11 06:41:40

YANBU, YANBU, bloody YANBU.

DS was bottle-fed; but I did the nights until I returned to work (he was 3w) and then the weekend nights and some of the others. And I didn't and don't make a virtue of it.

Kick this bloody man until he takes his share of the responsibility.

lulamama Sun 19-Jun-11 06:43:39

Hi Mouffloncake, I've just had my first night off in 17 weeks...my Husband took serious persuading and made a huge fuss. I too feel very resentful about the fact that my dh is so monumentally selfish. However, he did point out that its tricky when I'm breastfeeding, especially as our dh is such a guzzler - I never seem to have any spare milk to express. The other problem is that DH is scared he won't be able to stop DS crying or be able to comfort him - it sends him into a blind panic when the baby cries.

My big night 'off duty' ended up with me putting DS down at 10.30pm, feeding him at 1am and getting up and taking over at 5.30am (so not exactly dream city).

I do sympathise with you. Do have it out with your husband soon or you'll end up like me...17 weeks of no sleep. Good luck.

CharlotteBronteSaurus Sun 19-Jun-11 06:47:44

YanBU
he should do friday night at least. then he's got the whole weekend to recover.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sun 19-Jun-11 06:49:38

I understand your pain I did everynight feed, dd was bf and dh does a job that means ^I* was comfortable with him waking in the night.

Have say though when the night feeds stopped and it was just night waking he would occassionly help but tbh I couldn't sleep through it. So it really wasn't a break for me.

For us worked far better For me to have lie-ins at the weekend. Oh and of course lovely lieins during the week with my baby!

Andrewofgg Sun 19-Jun-11 06:49:39

And tell DH what a seriously pleasurable experience it is, it really is, to turn a wet and hungry squealer into a warm contented sleeper.

Is he nervous about being able to do it? Does he every do it alone during the day? If that's the problem - and it may be - you may have to stand by once or twice, awake but not taking part, to reassure him that he can. Sound absurd, but a man who has never had any contact with babies may not trust his own competence.

If either of you has brothers or brothers in law with no children (yet) make sure they learn the Magic Arts too - you will be doing them and their DW/DP a favour!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sun 19-Jun-11 06:53:44

Lula I know my dh had that same fears.

SmethwickBelle Sun 19-Jun-11 07:00:33

He should definitely do some feeds. Even when working DH took the odd night, at intervals when he knew there was a lull at work or no early meetings and definitely at weekends.

Else suggest as a compromise (grr) that he takes the babe from 6am through to middays on weekends. Then you have a 6 hour window to catch up. I quite like the sorts of windows as it feels like a lie in even if you've only grabbed 45 minutes in the preceding 6 hours!

Broken sleep is absolutely awful, you have my sympathy.

Jennytailia Sun 19-Jun-11 07:14:36

Do you give baby a bottle at night or breastfeed?

I breastfed at night and then persuaded DP to give me a night off. So everytime DS woke, DP gave him a bottle, but it wasn't really a bottle DS wanted so he screamed for most of the night.

We never tried that again, however I was entitled to unlimited lie ins at the wkwnd. This made up for it for me an now all DC's sleep through the night I miss this.

Longtalljosie Sun 19-Jun-11 07:18:44

If you're breastfeeding a night off will not go well - you'll be full to bursting by 2am so won't sleep anyway.

What time does your DH go to bed? Could you tell him he's doing the feed at midnight from now on, so you get a larger block of sleep each night?

smallpotato Sun 19-Jun-11 07:50:47

If expressing is going well and your DD takes a bottle ok then I think perhaps a better idea would be to get into the habit of him giving her the last evening feed at 10/11, whenever you do it. Then you could go to bed earlier and have a solid chunk of sleep every night. If it's just a one-off night feed she might not settle, he will wake you up anyway and you will both be tired and grumpy!

Lady1nTheRadiator Sun 19-Jun-11 07:55:24

YANBU and he is a shit. A lazy shit. He can't cope with ONE interrupted night? So when it's not night feeds, but a vomiting bug in a toddler, whose job is it then? When it's a nightmare from a three year old, too much for him then too? Pathetic. Small babies are hard work, disturbed sleep is shit for everyone. It is part of having children.

mouffloncake Sun 19-Jun-11 07:58:55

Thank you for all your answers, I was having a real moment when I posted!

you know what - I KNOW ianbu, I just needed confirmation.

Dh is an absolute star during the day when he isnt working & evenings, play time, bum duties, bath time, swaddling. TBH, daytime isnt the issue tho. It really is just nights I ned a break with.

Summer is a lazy feeder & falls asleep several times during feeds so feeding takes around 45-60 mins. She feeds every 4 hours & I bf the entire time. Occasionally when dh gives me a spot of me time during the day, she will take the bottle with ease as she gets lots of mlk with very little effort.

I will ask him to do the midnight feed as we are both up then anyway & Im fallin asleep on the sofa by 11pm.
He mostly does computer stuff during the day so nothing dangerous but i rubbish if he gets tired.

jugglingmug Sun 19-Jun-11 08:01:54

Agree with longtalljosie and smallpotato...night off doesnt always work when BF. Have you considered co-sleeping so you're not being woken in the same way, then hand DS to DH for nappy change.

Pumpster Sun 19-Jun-11 08:08:39

Dp is a sahd and does most of the night feeds/comforting-but if he's tired or struggling I will do some too. Being at home with the kids exhausted is as hard as being at work exhausted unless he is a surgeon or works with dangerous machinery he should take his turn!

juneau Sun 19-Jun-11 08:17:39

If you're exclusively BFing how will you sleep all night without being really uncomfortably engorged? I'm always full to bursting when my DS wakes for his nighttime feed(s) and so couldn't get my DH to feed him expressed milk even if he agreed to do it!

If you were bottle-feeding I'd say your DH should definitely take over one night, but the one disadvantage with BFing is that you really can't hand over to anyone else without being in agony.

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