To think that if you are out with a four year old you need to ASK them if they need the loo?

[Wallace]

Ds (age 4) was out with dh for the day. Dh has been complaining that he wet himself (ds that is, not dh) and he had to go and buy him a change of clothes.

I mentioned that dh should have been asking him if he needed the loo, not just expecting a four year old to ask in time when they are out having fun in an unfamiliar environment. Dh had reckoned that he should have just asked if he needed to go. Now ds usually would ask, but they were somewhere where dh would have been very busy with other people so mybe not very easy for ds just to ask.

Also dh says ds was really badly bahved and phrased it as if this was my fault. He mostly always behaves when he is out with me....

[worraliberty]

Depends on the child and the situation really...but yes even at 4 they do need reminding sometimes.

[blackeyedsusan]

not only do you have to ask them, you have to take them and let them try occasionally too, too much fun= not wanting to go to the loo til it is too late.

[onepieceofcremeegg]

I wouldn't routinely remind a 4 year old tbh, but it would depend on the child and the circumstances.
For example if we were far from a loo/there was likely to be a long queue/dcs had drunk more than usual then I would probably mention/suggest to them.
I would try to encourage dcs to wee before a trip out, and if they hadn't asked say within 2-3 hours then I would ask them (or more likely I would need to go myself and suggest they come with me)

[AgentZigzag]

How was it your fault your DS wet himself when he was out with your DH?

Children wet themselves all the time, even if you have asked them if they want the loo.

Is your DH saying your DS was being badly behaved for wetting himself?

I wouldn't be happy with that, he's only four the little love.

[Wallace]

Thank you. I must admit to laughing when dh told me about having to buy more clothes. He didn't find it funny.

Dh does do stuff with him fairly often, but not usually such a long, busy day.

[AlsoAvailableSober]

I was out today with DD1 (4.5) and DD2 (2.9) and never once asked either if they needed the loo, they both just told me (with enough notice to get to loos a distance away). We were at a very busy food & drink festival.

however that all depends on the child. I would expect my DH to know if he needed to check (which he did when the DD's were not as reliable)

[troisgarcons]

I think it would depend on the child? And how far you had got with toilet training?

I'm well aware I'm a dinosaur, but by nursery age it would the 'do you need the loo?' as we left the house, cafe, shopping centre etc..... no a continaual askance.

But I'll prepare to be flamed for being completely unorthodox.

Actually - I still yell ' "loo?" before we go anywhere that necessitates a reasonably long drive ..... but I think that comes from my dad who used to have an urge to visit every motorway services loo LOL much to the p'taking from my mother !

[nailak]

i wouldnt ask my 4 yr old, she would tell me and would be able to hold on until appropriate time.

[joric]

I still remind my 7 year old to go- before getting in car definitely! when we pass a toilet when we're out- I ask if she needs to go in... Even at that age they can get so wrapped up in whatever else it is they're doing that they put it off / forget. I teach secondary and often have the younger ones coming to me in a lesson , jigging about because they have forgotten to go at break....

[mouseanon]

Regular toilet stops are just part and parcel of a day out with small children wether they think they need it or not for me. Far easier to do than dealing with accidents. At home they can take themselves. Accidents there are much easier to deal with! Besides I always need the loo even if they don't.

[mouseanon]

Oh and it's another all children are different thing. Just because some children are able to be completely self sufficient it doesn't mean they all are, can be, or should be. You have to deal with what you have rather than with what you think you should have.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I have a soon to be four year old and if I see that he is showing signs that he needs to go but is having too much fun then I will ask him.

I also tend to ask if he hasn't been for a while and we are about to go somewhere (e.g. on the bus) where there isn't a loo. Yes he will tell me but if he tells me 5 mins after we start a 30 min bus ride he's probably not going to be able to hang on for another 25 mins.

[littleducks]

My ds is 3 and has been toilet trained for about a year, I would ask him routinely.

I would encourage/suggest a toilet trip before leaving the house and long journeys or if we were at a venue where I thought the toilets would be nicer/cleaner than where we would be later in the day.

But does it matter, surely if your ds needs asking regularly then your dh should know that and do it?

[Wallace]

Ok. They left the house at 6.30 this morning. Ds didn't go for a wee before he left the house - since getting up. They then had a 2 hour car journey.

They were somewhere where ds would have had to be taken to the loo. He wouldn't have known where to find them. Also Dh would have been feeding him juice which we know goes straight through him.

And dh has just told me he had left ds with some friends when he weed himself.

Dh not saying my fault that he wet himself. Just the bad behaviour in general. We argue about it now and again. Dh will sometimes find that ds won't do as he is told for him and is generally badly behaved.

Dh will complain to me about his behaviour (ds spends more time with me so I am generally responsible for most discipline) and say that he (dh) needs to "Take him in hand" (whatever that means ) and I point out that ds is fine for me....

[littleducks]

aargh, I cant type today! I wouldnt ask my 3 yr old

[Wallace]

But that is another issue....

[Wallace]

Btw I usually would ask (and still ask my 10 year old dd and almost 12 year old ds much to their embarrassment) but not insist that he goes.

I always go myslef. I am like the queen - I take every opportunity because you never know when the next one will be

[Wallace]

The discipline thing, not littleducks typing :)

[AgentZigzag]

If he's OK for you but not for your DH, that says to me it's your DH who has to learn how to handle any boundary testing behaviour.

Has he ever asked you what your secret receipe is to getting your DS to be putty in your hands?

Don't let him try to palm off responsibility onto you, the cheeky bugger.

[ConnorTraceptive]

depends on the child. DS1 would always give fair warning ds2 I just take him regularly whether he says he wants to or not.

[Jaspants]

YANBU I still ask my 7 and 12yo

And I agree with zigzag

[Wallace]

I will admit he isn't the easiest child and is very impulsive. But I can always make him do as he is told - even if he kicks up a stink.

Dh knows how I do it (usually a count - even the threat of counting is sometimes enough), but I think he takes ds' bad behaviour and refusal to listen too personally so ends up getting cross.

He also thinks that ds not doing what he is told in public makes him look bad and is very self-conscious about it. Because I do it more often I am past the self-concious phase. I think it is harder to discipline a child in public if you are worrying what people think.

[ConnorTraceptive]

Wallce do you have my DH? (if so could you ask him to get stamps on the way home) He takes the dc's behaviour very personally and is uber self conscious in public. I find that if I take them to a cafe or a day out alone they are generally fine but when DH is their too they seem to pick up on his unease and turns into terrors.

[ConnorTraceptive]

there not their

[AgentZigzag]

'I will admit he isn't the easiest child and is very impulsive.'

hahahahaha and I don't know or have ever heard of a child that isn't!

I can see why your DH feels the heat of the public gaze when the DC are playing up, and if he's not used to it day in day out it can get to you.

I also know about the distancing yourself from the tantrum and not taking it too much to heart, my DH has taken it too seriously from time to time as well.

Would your DH be open to trying to work on 'managing' your DS towards achieving happier outcome when they go out together on their own? (although I'm guessing he might not if he's trying to make you feel guilty about his own shortcomings)