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Convinced I might be infertile, grumpy, envious, need someone to give me a slap and talk some sense into me please.

(31 Posts)
madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 17:07:48

Been with my BF for nearly nine months now. Everything very nice and lovely, he has a DD so we've been taking things at a nice pace - no big declarations or talking about moving in together yet or anything like that. But things are good.

The thing is, I know in my heart that I love him a lot and would love to have a baby with him. But because of the pace we are moving at (because his DD has to be taken into account) - (BTW, he told me early in our relationship that he does want more kids in the future), we are not at the point where I could tell him something like that. These things are about timing, right? And the timing would be all wrong for me to talk about having his baby when we haven't even ever discussed living together.

But that doesn't stop me wishing that I would accidentally get pregnant. I know that is mad, but my clock has gone off big time and I do feel a little crazy about it all. I would never deliberately 'trap' him, so I daydream that maybe I will be one of those women who gets pregnant even when she thinks she's being careful.

I've just been reading another person's thread about how she is now pregnant after taking antibiotics while on the pill. It's a tricky situation for that poster and obviously I sympathise, but a little bit of me is envious. I've had to have a couple of courses of antibiotics since meeting my BF - ear infection and whatnot - and during those times we were really slack with using additional protection and NOTHING HAPPENED!

I feel jealous. And also I am worried that I have NEVER had a pregnancy scare. Not one single time. Even though I have been a bit careless with contraception in the past, I never once suspected I might be pregnant. I have never even bought a pregnancy test and I am 31.

Do you think that might mean I'm infertile? I read so many threads on these boards about women who have gotten pregnant while on the pill. I even read a thread the other day where one poster said she got pregnant after a condom broke and her and her DH stopped straight away, he did't ejaculate, but she STILL got pregnant!

So unfair. Please can someone tell me it's madness to want to get pregnant by a man I don't even live with; that if/when the time is right it will happen; that it's unlikely I'm infertile; etc...?

Please? Every time I read a thread that someone's pregnant my heart sinks a little bit.

WriterofDreams Sat 18-Jun-11 17:12:40

You are WAY overthinking this! Take a breath. Being broody is the worst, it takes over your brain and makes you a little bit loopy. You have no evidence that you're infertile. I was with DH 9 years before we had DS, I never had a pregnancy scare and we only ever used condoms. It took me 3 months to get pregnant, so definitely not infertile!

And to address the rest of it, yes it is a bit mad to want a baby with someone who you're not yet living with. However, you know what you want so why not try to push things forward? Do you love your BF? Can you see a future together? It might be time to have "the talk" grin

worraliberty Sat 18-Jun-11 17:13:09

Instead of reading the threads about pregnant women, you'd do well to read the numerous threads about broken relationships.

9 months is a ridiculous amount of time to want to have a baby with someone.

Or do you have no intention of staying with him for the rest of your life?

kreecherlivesupstairs Sat 18-Jun-11 17:13:52

Blimey. You are in a mess aren't you? I don't even know if it is possible, but would your GP do a blood test to make sure you are ovulating?
I think you can buy kits over the counter which tell you too.

malibustac Sat 18-Jun-11 17:19:32

You need to talk to him, my dp had a crap time with exp and didn't want anymore kids but felt with me it was right and we have a gorgeous dd. Although we didn't start trying till we had been together 3 years and it took 2 years before I got pg we are very happy. The only person that can fix this is both of you. Uf he really doesn't want kids maybe you need to move on.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 17:20:48

Oh god I don't know if I can have 'the talk', I'm too much of a coward. It just feels a little bit too soon right now. Intuitively, I don't know if he'd respond as positively as I'd want him to at the moment.

His split with his ex devastated him. We met very soon after it happened which wasn't great timing in terms of him getting over it, but we've been together long enough now that I know I'm not a rebound grin

Still, throughout the time we've been together, he has been figuring out how to handle the shared childcare and single parenthood and is understandably massively protective of his DD and always puts her first.

<pauses to heave bosom and swoon>

Anyway, now that all that stuff is only just starting to settle and feel sorted, it would be the wrong time for me to suddenly be all 'let's move in together and have a baby'.

Maybe I will start putting the feelers out and then at a year I can initiate 'the talk'?

BTW I've had very little sleep this week, which may be contributing to my loopyness.

MistressFrankly Sat 18-Jun-11 17:21:52

It is madness. That tick tick tick of your body clock has your common sense out of whack. Enjoy your new man and take the time to get to know him. Once a baby comes on the scene the honeymoon is well and truely over. There is all the time in the world for starting a family together. If you havent lived with him yet it really is too soon to bring a baby into your relationship.

Have lovely daydreams about the future but dont wish this time gone. Your man has the sense to take things slow and consider his DD so he sounds like a good un. Dont ruin it by going all body clock bunny boiler.

You most likely are not infertile. Contraception is designed to work so dont worry about never having a near miss. Some get pregnant on the pill but for most, if used correctly, it works. If you didnt get pregnant when unprotected/loosely protected it is luck of the draw and timing. I wouldnt go panicking about infertility until you have tried unsuccessfully to concieve for at least a year.

HeidiKat Sat 18-Jun-11 17:22:53

Not getting pregnant while on the pill doesn't mean that you are infertile, it just means that the pill is doing its job. I was on the pill for 10 years from age 17 to 27 and had no accidents during that time despite not always being careful about taking it at the same time of day etc but I now have a DD after a year of trying, so yes it is unlikely that you are infertile. If you are seriously thinking about having a baby with a man you have not been with for long I would encourage you to think hard about how you would manage as a single mother if something went wrong in your relationship.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 17:23:55

malibustac he's said he did want more DCs. With me though? Who knows?

worraliberty thank you, that is the kind of thing I need to hear right now.

kreecher yes have thought about buying one of those kits but they are a bit bloody pricey. Maybe next payday...

worraliberty Sat 18-Jun-11 17:26:18

If you are seriously thinking about having a baby with a man you have not been with for long I would encourage you to think hard about how you would manage as a single mother if something went wrong in your relationship

I'd encourage you to also think long and hard about the fact he might fight for custody and win..so you will be the non residential parent.

Sexism is still fairly rife in these cases with the courts still generally giving custody to the Mother, but times are changing.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 17:26:28

Thank you for wiping my spectacles of reality and putting them back on my face the right way up.

Mistress I did laugh at 'body clock bunny boiler', please god shoot me if I turn into one.

Heidi thank you for the reassurance.

I think I need to catch up on my sleep and then I will feel less nuts.

MeconiumHappens Sat 18-Jun-11 17:32:58

Pull yourself together, lots of people don't get accidentally pregnant at the drop of a hat or we'd all have 15 children. There's no reason to suspect a problem. You've been with someone two minutes, don't live together but want to get up the duff accidentally without even discussing it with him because you quite fancy a fluffy luffly baby. Bleeding idiot. Pffff.

JudysJudgement Sat 18-Jun-11 17:34:16

what if he turns into the partner from hell like so many of them do on here (or seem to, of course we only get one side of the story)

do you really want to be tied to a monster/abuser/controller/arsehole for at least the next 20 years

i have dog hairs on my carpet older than your relationship OP smile

thegruffalosma Sat 18-Jun-11 17:37:07

I doubt you're infertile. There will be people who get caught on the pill but there will be others, like me, who have to actively try for a long time (2yrs first time, 4 months second time) before they get pregnant. I read that 4 months is the average but that includes people who get pregnant the first time and people who take a year or more. Of course some people do struggle with infertility but not having a pregnancy scare is no indication that you will be one of them.

MeconiumHappens Sat 18-Jun-11 17:37:49

woah, sorry didnt read the whole thread, bit harsh. The sentiment still stands but perhaps I could have gift wrapped it a bit better. I dont understand why people want to ram raid their way through life rather than establish a quality relationship before adding a baby to the mix. 9 months is no time at all.

vegetariandumpling Sat 18-Jun-11 17:38:13

my doctor told me the pill is about 80-90% effective when you're taking antibiotics, so not enough to rely on it but still high enough to mean that you're not necessarily infertile if you don't get pregnant, so try not to worry too much about being infertile. Although I'm not sure what you can do about the broodiness!

Isitreally Sat 18-Jun-11 17:39:21

Apart from all the rights and the wrongs about waiting until the relationship is more settled, checking what he wants too....

....there is no way you can guess you are infertile from the information you've given. You have no way of knowing if your antibiotic days coincided with the 2-5 days a month that a fertile woman could get pregnant. Chances are your tablets were on one of the other 26 days when you coudn't get pregnant anyway even without antibiotics.

And the pill is highly effective. Yes some woman fall pregnant on it but the vast, overwhelming majority don't.

And when you do try for a baby, it takes a normal, healthy couple a few months at least of actively trying, having sex on the right days and doing all the right things. To be worried that you haven't accidentally got pregant and thinking that signals infertility is a bit daft!

ChristinedePizan Sat 18-Jun-11 17:44:16

I managed to not get pregnant at all accidentally until I was 36, then because a bit incautious and it happened twice. So don't be lulled into a false sense of security.

Take it slow, and do not even think of discussing it until you've been together at least a year.

And yes, it's madness grin

MistressFrankly Sat 18-Jun-11 17:47:16

Get a puppy. Or a cat. Or a pot plant. Dont get a baby. They smell and ruin your sex life for ages grin

Find a friend who has the loudest colicky baby around and look after it for a while, preferably when it has the runs and has been fed liver and cauliflower. Bye bye broodiness.

SugarPasteFrog Sat 18-Jun-11 17:48:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 17:49:04

OK, have gone away and had a cup of tea and have come back to this thread reading it like someone else had wrote it and I would be saying all the things you guys are saying to me if the OP was someone else.

Clearly I am being over emotional and not thinking sensibly at all. I need to hear this. I think I am going to write worraliberty's latest post on a post-it note and stick it to my bathroom mirror to remind me that I am being a loon.

Just thought as I've been typing this: I never felt this way until I started taking the pill, which happened to coincide with when I met BF (before then I'd had copper coils). I wonder whether, ironically, the pill hormones are making me feel this way...?

Anyway, thanks for talking sense into me. I know IABU and this is a thread on AIBU, but appreciate people not being super mean or cruel.

SugarPasteFrog Sat 18-Jun-11 17:49:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarPasteFrog Sat 18-Jun-11 17:50:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 17:51:26

SugarPaste yes! It's the powerlessness that's so frustrating!

Best of luck to you and your DH whenever you do start TTC smile

hardworkrightnow Sat 18-Jun-11 18:09:56

No you are not infertile. My husband and me always use the pull out method and I never got pregnant. Well I am pregnant now because we tried for a baby and had sex everyday but what I am saying is that just because you've never had a scare, it doesn't mean you're infertile.

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