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to not want to have sex?

(461 Posts)
choceyes Sat 18-Jun-11 10:26:48

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now blush

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again blush

luvvinlife Sat 18-Jun-11 10:41:35

I'd go and talk to your doctor before it gets out of hand. If nothing else at least DH will know you are taking his concerns seriously which will help. Of course ultimately its your choice but it doesn't take a brain surgeon to understand that the final outcome is unlikely to be good.

doradaisy Sat 18-Jun-11 10:48:19

Poor you, it's tough minding small kids all day, you feel braindead by the evening. I have a 3 year old and 10 month old twins so know all about it!

however, am not surprised your husband was p***ed off other night. to me, sex is important and it's good to keep that closeness between you. i think it's really important to have a bit of romance/time for the two of you. is there anyway you both can get a night away in a hotel and have someone babysit the little ones? not even to feel pressure of 'doing it' but just to have a laugh and feel like a sexy woman again?

have been in that baby/breastfeeding bubble where you don't feel a bit sexy. take a bit of time FOR YOURSELF not just your husband to rekindle this side of yourself.
now that twins sleep better, me and DH often have a few beers and a bit extra ;), it's been great for us, and i feel we communicate a bit better in general too.

good luck. you're doing a great job with the little ones but remember life is all about balance too.

BluddyMoFo Sat 18-Jun-11 10:51:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic Sat 18-Jun-11 10:57:15

Your OP sounds like you are only thinking of yourself.

Carry on with what you are doing and being selfish and see what happens to your marriage, likely your husband will seek his comfort elsewhere.

Northernlurker Sat 18-Jun-11 10:57:29

Well the way you feel is understandable and I think most busy mums go through this BUT quite simply your marriage will not survive if you don't have sex. If your dh was similarly not interested you might have a chance but as things are you are in deep trouble.

Of course nobody should feel they have to have sex but it's part of a loving relationship and you don't sound happy and I'm sure your dh isn't. Yu need to talk to him about how you feel but you also need to make love as an act of will not just passion and see how things go.

Put the kids to bed and then sit down with a few drinks. Bugger the housework. Your breasts are off limits, ok - but what about dh giving you a massage? What about him going down on you - is that something you might like? What about you going down on him if you can't face intercourse? You need to start doing sexy things - anything - at the moment your dh is deeply frustrated and upset and your whole future is at stake. That is not an exaggeration.

choceyes Sat 18-Jun-11 10:58:36

Thanks for your replies.

I'm not sure I am that attracted to my Dh anymore. I don't know if this a temporary or a permanent feeling.

Both DC's still wake up at night, so I'm sleepy in the evenings too.

We have had a lot of arguments since DD was born. And in the evenings he will usually nag me about not putting clothes away (he does a lot of housework, so can't complain) or not tidying up something or the other and then expect me to have sex with him a few minutes later.

I don't know....

NinjaChipmunk Sat 18-Jun-11 10:59:23

can you dh take over with the kids a bit in the evening so you can go and chill out in the bath or something while he plays/ reads to them/ puts them to bed?
I lost my sex drive for well over a year after having ds and I understand its very difficult to think you will get it back but for me sex is one of those things that the more you do it the more you want it, if you go for a long time without doing it, you lose the drive somewhat.
you need to talk with your dh and really explain to him why you haven't wanted it so he knows why he's been rejected. I also think you need to talk to him on how you can change your evenings to make more time for the two of you and a so you can have some child free time yourself to feel more like a person and less like a 'mum' if that makes sense.
if you don't address the problem, it won't go away. you need to do something about this or you will push your husband out completely.

choceyes Sat 18-Jun-11 11:01:03

Fabbychic - well then he's is not worth bothering over if he will cheat on me cos I don't give him sex cos I'm too tired. Good riddance then. Maybe our marriage is over, cos i really don't feel like having sex with him.

luvvinlife Sat 18-Jun-11 11:04:34

Sounds like you've made your mind up choceyes so why bother asking here ?

Good luck for the future.

Northernlurker Sat 18-Jun-11 11:07:07

Of course you've had arguements! Sex makes a connection between people and you've lost that. Frustrated people argue and snap. I agree it's hard to feel warmly to somebody who has just been a git but that works both ways.
I think you're jolly lucky your dh is still expressing an interest tbh.
Sometimes a marriage is really hard work. Nobody, nobody is going to make you work at this - you can pack it in and split up and try again - but that will probably make you jolly unhappy.
Are you masturbating? Because if so you could try doing that together and see if that turns you on. I meant what I said in my earlier post - this is an act of will. Sex comes easily when you're not tired, busy with dcs, breastfeeding. It's still doing it even with everything else that requires a bit of determination.

NinjaChipmunk Sat 18-Jun-11 11:11:20

choceyes please don't be so defensive. People are trying to give you some good advice here.
Talk to your dh. Find out what he needs and tell him what you need. If you can't commincate and work out a solution your relationship will be in serious trouble.
You need to start viewing yourself as more than just a boob/climbing frame/ mum and see that you are still a woman and a person in their own right. Until you take control of that and adjust your life accordingly you will have trouble moving on.
Describe a typical day for us and maybe we can help you make some time for yourself and also for both of you.

jeckadeck Sat 18-Jun-11 11:13:22

I think it would be helpful for you to try to work out exactly why you've gone of sex: is it the normal thing that mums looking after kids feel (knackered, not sexy, painful breasts etc) or is it that plus a physical manifestation of being pissed off and disillusioned with your DH? if its the former it will probably be temporary and you can communicate this to your DH, if the latter you probably need to work on some issues in your marriage first. It might be helpful to get some counselling.

I know it can be difficult to switch to sex mode if you've been looking after kids, and especially if you're exhausted, in pain and feeling under-appreciated. But tbh you will hit major problems in your marriage if you expect him to go without sex indefinitely. As someone else posted further up: if he had also gone off it or if he knew there was an end to it it would be one thing, but a marriage where one person is witholding sex for whatever reason and the other really wants it is destined for trouble.

I would try to see if you can get some counselling and try to figure out why you feel as you do.

BluddyMoFo Sat 18-Jun-11 11:14:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo Sat 18-Jun-11 11:15:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pumpernickel10 Sat 18-Jun-11 11:19:35

fabbychic are you for real?
Ignore her op I've not had sex in 8 months and its not doing our marriage any harm. I've been ill so my sex drive is zero. DH as been very supportive smile
Your mojo will come back but it take time.

Omigawd Sat 18-Jun-11 11:19:39

I am always amazed by these sorts of posts. Actions have consequences. Your unwillingness to have sex is triggering his frustration, which mmeans he will b less kind to you, which makes you even grumpier.

However, that is just the start. Normallsexed, sexually frustrated people will get sex, it then just becomes a question of where. Are you prepared for those consequences, because I can 100% guarantee that is where you are headed.

Allinabinbag Sat 18-Jun-11 11:21:29

Why don't you think about having some intimacy, but NOT touching breasts, if that's the part that is making you feel so bad. I agree that sometimes dual purpose breasts are not sexy and I'm sure if you explain this to your husband then he will understand and be up for other things except that (you say it was your big thing, but creativity is called for in these situations). Low libido when breastfeeding/after having children is normal, though frustrating. I wouldn't give up on your libido yet though, nor your marriage, you are unlikely to feel this unenthusiastic for ever.

Pumpernickel10 Sat 18-Jun-11 11:22:12

The op is not being selfish fabby you can't make someone have sex if they don't want it. Explain to me how the op is selfish?

Bandwitch Sat 18-Jun-11 11:25:58

Maybe it's the consequences of HIM letting her get up in the night for two children.

Resentment is a passion-killer.

Catsu Sat 18-Jun-11 11:27:08

I do sympathise with you and with your DH to be honest.
A year is a hell of a long time to be rejected for, but I can see why you feel resentful as well as it seems as though your DH is nagging you for sex but also nagging you to do more housework in the evenings when you are shattered and not giving much if any thought to pleasing you during sex!

Can you address these issues first and have a chat with your DH (or write a letter if you cant face talking to him). Tell him that you love him and want to get your sex life back on track as he does. Tell him the things that are holding you back (you are exhausted, you feel nagged at to do chores in the evenings, you feel under pressure) and suggest ways to overcome these to get things moving again?
Perhaps suggest an evening where he puts the DCs to bed while you unwind with a relaxing bath and that you both forget about housework for the day, no mention of it at all, then suggest an evening where you just enjoy each others company, give each other a massage (this should help with getting out of the habit you've got into of lack of foreplay!) and enjoy hugging and lots of kissing. No pressure for sex this first time. Then have a 'date night' maybe once a week where you both chill about the housework, get a babysitter as and when you can afford it and just spend time together enjoying each others company. The more time you spend together which is enjoyable, the more you will want to have sex!

Make sure that DH knows that if he wants to get the sex life back on track, as well as the work you will need to put in to feel sexy again, he will also need to put in the work to ease the pressure on you! - he cant have it all, all the sex and no effort into the relationship!

Bandwitch Sat 18-Jun-11 11:27:11

Omigawd, if that is the case, that her husband is a normal-sexed person who will get sex somewhere then he sounds a real prize.

GypsyMoth Sat 18-Jun-11 11:28:06

You sound like you are giving yourself up to the demands of your dc..... Fast forward a few months and every other weekend and you won't be needing to worry as they will be on access visit and YOU will be child free home alone!

Is that what you want?

Would you feel like sex if propositioned by johnny depp/becks or whoever??

choceyes Sat 18-Jun-11 11:34:44

I think we have a few underlying issues that make not want sex with him.

He refuses to use a car, even though I've paid half for his lessons and purchase of car, insurance etc etc. This is on environmental, cost issues. This means that not only do I walk everywhere during the week, we have to rely on public transport or walkign in the weekends as well. It is tiring. I can't drive, but I am going to learn to in Sept as I am sick of this.

He doesn't want to get a cleaner, but last night said I could look into it, but thinks £20 a week is too much. He earns £35K as a teacher and I earn £30K pro rata for 3 days a week, when I go back to work, and we don't maintain a WTF??

These are a couple of examples of his unreasonableness, which make me resnt him and really go off him in sex terms.

No johnny depp or beck don't do it for me. I can think of others though.

luvvinlife Sat 18-Jun-11 11:35:54

One thing is for certain, its not condusive to a good relationship.

If you want the relationship to survive then see a doctor and try to sort it out.

If you don't want it to survive then kick your sperm donor out. You have a house and 2 kids, his job is done.

Harsh, but that is how it is judging from your posts.

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