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Feeling hard done by?!!

(30 Posts)
lovelydaisies1 Fri 17-Jun-11 11:58:05

Basically my parents are very wealthy. They own over 10 properties at least 3 of which are worth over half a million, all mortgage free. They own land too. Most of it was inherited from my Nanna. They have good pensions of over 100,000 a year yet they live an incredibly basic lifestyle. My Mum buys reduced out of date food, they rarely go on holiday etc. They live in a huge house but only use a few rooms of it. My problem is, 4 years ago I got divorced, it was incredibly messy, awful. My ex stopped paying the mortgage and the house almost got repossessed, at that point my mum told me to get my name down on the council house waiting list. I managed through the divorce to get enough for a deposit on a small house but because of the poor credit history due to my ex behaving dreadfully I had to get a mortgage with a really high interest rate which has wasted loads of money and made things very tight for me. At one point no lender would give me a motgage and my parents told me to go to the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, a charity for desolate women. We live in an ex council house which I do love but despite the fact I work I have been dependent on my nasty ex to pay maintenence, if he doesn't pay we really struggle and at times I have been at the point of not being able to buy food. He's had this held over me the whole time. I'm just confused at my parents, it makes me so mad that they turned their back on me and their 3 grandchildren when at points we were in a state. My ex was physically and mentally abusive, they knew this but never acknowleged it. Even when I took him to court for assaulting me, they didn't want me to and gave me no support. I think they were ashamed that I was bringing shame on the family. They had the power to get me away from him. To help me move on but they didn't help. I'm getting remarried which is great. Things are tight financially, my new partner doesn't have a good income but he's a good man. We need to move to a house with an extra bedroom for his 2 girls. I have never directly asked my parents for any money before, loan or anything because they're so funny about money butin order to buy our new house we needed 30,000, a lot of money, I know. I just thought, what the hell, I'm going to ask them, in October we are able to pay the full amount back and they know this. I asked my parents if they could lend it to us for the 2 months, they agreed. But my Mum hasn't stopped going on about it. Saying we need to draw up an agreement etc about when we'll give it back etc. It's just doing my head in. I think why are you so so so mean. It's not that I want their money. It's the principal of it. It makes me feel like shit. Like, what do they think of me. I don't understand it and now I'm avoiding my Mum because I feel so confused. If any of my children were in the situation I was I would go to the ends of the earth to help and I would've been at that court with my daughter. All this has built up. I'm ok now and I'm moving on but when I look back I feel so let down. I'm so upset about it all and I can't forget or forgive. The money I've asked to borrow is a drop in the ocean for them and yet Mum is making me feel really guilty about it bringing all my past feelings up again. Am I being unreasonable?? So sorry about the ramble!!!!!

AKMD Fri 17-Jun-11 12:04:24

YANBU, I think that's very strange behaviour from your parents. It would be different if you had a sense of entitlement to your parents' cash but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I would take the £30 000, pay it back in October and then go forwrad on the assumption that you're on your own. Your parents are clearly not going to help you out and the best way to save yourself stress and unhappiness is to accept that.

The alternative is to give back the money and rent a house instead of buying one, or making do with what you've got.

My parents helped DH and I out with buying our first house and I realise that not everyone is so lucky. You are lucky that your parents are able to lend you this money but you have my sympathy for their poor attitude.

lesley33 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:04:38

No YANBU. But I guess the fact that they don't want to spend money on themselves either, shows it is not personally aimed at you. Some people feel anxious and insecure a lot of the time and hanging on to money can be a way to deal with those feelings.

If I was you I would try and see it more as a "mental health" issue of your parents and try not to take it as a personal slight - although I appreciate this isn't easy to do.

pingu2209 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:04:55

I can't read that much text without paragraphs. Makes my eyes hurt.

LineRunner Fri 17-Jun-11 12:06:30

I'm sure you'll get a lot of critical posts about how dare you feel entitled; but actually I'm with you OP on this. Your parents had you and your are theirs; they should be grateful for you and love you and care for you. If they have plenty, then it would be kind and responsible of them to share it with their own daughter in need.

I don't understand why, if they have plenty, that they would try to offload their own close family onto the state.

Draw up an agreement with your mother if that's what she wants, though. Then you can stake out your distance.

Just my opinion, for what it's worth.

LadyThumb Fri 17-Jun-11 12:06:55

Ditto pingu !!

Callisto Fri 17-Jun-11 12:13:53

Wow, no wonder you feel hard done by! I was ready to tell you to stop being so entitled, but that is not the case here at all, and it seems that your parents just don't want to help you financially, or otherwise.

Have they always been like this over money? Were they always rich, or just from the inheritance they recieved? Are they generous in other ways?

fedupofnamechanging Fri 17-Jun-11 12:16:11

I think it's horrible to moan about lack of paragraphs when an OP is clearly upset.

OP, YANBU. I can't understand why your parents wouldn't want to help and support you, when it would be so easy for them to make your life easier.

I think the best way forward is for you to accept that you are on your own and just concentrate on being a better parent to your children than your parents are to you.

No one is being unreasonable. Can you wait until October and not borrow from your parents? Do you want that hold over you? My mum gave me money to buy a house and I swear I'd rather have not had it, it's been so not worth it and I really mean that. You managed to get enough together in the end for your own house. I wouldn't take their money.Maybe they aren't as well off as you think, or want you to stand on your own feet? I understand totally your fustration, I've been there, but I am so much worse off right now - emotionally and financially. Can the new house purchase wait abit?

spookshowangel Fri 17-Jun-11 12:26:04

yeah pingu and lady thats whats important at the moment not op's pain or sadness. but you feel it necessary to add that little bit of extra nasty shit by complaining about lack of paragraphs how childish. dont fucking read it then but dont feel the need to comment on it either.......ahem. sorry op for some reason that really pissed me off.
i think the others are right give her the agreement and then distance yourself from her because that is just rubbish, if i had a daughter in your position i would help. i am all for cultivating independence in your children but this is different. i dont get it my self and you are not being ur.

Glitterknickaz Fri 17-Jun-11 12:28:31

I think the money thing distracts from the real issue which is that you have no emotional support from them, that's really sad.
You have to try to see that it's their problem, it's not saying anything about you as a person, it's very much them.

Not nice to have to live with though.

tallulahxhunny Fri 17-Jun-11 12:32:44

for pingu and lady!

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lovelydaisies1 Fri 17-Jun-11 11:58:05

Basically my parents are very wealthy. They own over 10 properties at least 3 of which are worth over half a million, all mortgage free. They own land too. Most of it was inherited from my Nanna. They have good pensions of over 100,000 a year yet they live an incredibly basic lifestyle. My Mum buys reduced out of date food, they rarely go on holiday etc. They live in a huge house but only use a few rooms of it.

My problem is, 4 years ago I got divorced, it was incredibly messy, awful. My ex stopped paying the mortgage and the house almost got repossessed, at that point my mum told me to get my name down on the council house waiting list. I managed through the divorce to get enough for a deposit on a small house but because of the poor credit history due to my ex behaving dreadfully I had to get a mortgage with a really high interest rate which has wasted loads of money and made things very tight for me. At one point no lender would give me a motgage and my parents told me to go to the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, a charity for desolate women.

We live in an ex council house which I do love but despite the fact I work I have been dependent on my nasty ex to pay maintenence, if he doesn't pay we really struggle and at times I have been at the point of not being able to buy food. He's had this held over me the whole time. I'm just confused at my parents, it makes me so mad that they turned their back on me and their 3 grandchildren when at points we were in a state. My ex was physically and mentally abusive, they knew this but never acknowleged it. Even when I took him to court for assaulting me, they didn't want me to and gave me no support. I think they were ashamed that I was bringing shame on the family. They had the power to get me away from him. To help me move on but they didn't help.

I'm getting remarried which is great. Things are tight financially, my new partner doesn't have a good income but he's a good man. We need to move to a house with an extra bedroom for his 2 girls. I have never directly asked my parents for any money before, loan or anything because they're so funny about money butin order to buy our new house we needed 30,000, a lot of money, I know. I just thought, what the hell, I'm going to ask them, in October we are able to pay the full amount back and they know this. I asked my parents if they could lend it to us for the 2 months, they agreed. But my Mum hasn't stopped going on about it. Saying we need to draw up an agreement etc about when we'll give it back etc. It's just doing my head in. I think why are you so so so mean. It's not that I want their money. It's the principal of it. It makes me feel like shit. Like, what do they think of me. I don't understand it and now I'm avoiding my Mum because I feel so confused. If any of my children were in the situation I was I would go to the ends of the earth to help and I would've been at that court with my daughter. All this has built up. I'm ok now and I'm moving on but when I look back I feel so let down. I'm so upset about it all and I can't forget or forgive.
The money I've asked to borrow is a drop in the ocean for them and yet Mum is making me feel really guilty about it bringing all my past feelings up again. Am I being unreasonable?? So sorry about the ramble!!!!!

lovelydaisies1 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:33:00

My Mum is good in other ways. I work nights as a nurse. She's always been on hand to come and stay to look after the kids. Though after the turbulent divorce they used to cry when I went. I have done these nights for 4 years now and it's exhuasting. I'm grateful to my Mum but I can't help, sorry but I can't help, thinking if they'd helped me out financially, I wouldn't have to be leaving the kids overnight and spend half the week walking around like a zombie and snapping at the kids. Nights were my only option. Earlys start at 7am requiring someone coming to the house at 630am to look after the kids. Late shifts finish at 9pm which requires someone picking the kids up, doing tea and putting them to bed. Nights enabled me to be there all day everyday for the kids and just for my mum to come and sleep while I worked. I would always work but it'd have been great to get a job that fitted in around the kids more and didn't drain me but I need the money from my nursing job to pay for everything. So in a practical sense my mum is very good. She'll buy the kids school shoes and get them bits and pieces of clothes and for that I'm very grateful. My wage alone is not enough though and as I said I've been very dependant on my abusive ex to make up the shortfall through maintenence. He's used this as an excuse to treat me however he wants, knowing he'll get away with it because if I rock the boat in anyway he doesn't pay. My parents know this but, nothing. So glad to be moving on with a lovely man and in a practical sense things will be easier. AKMD, I agree with you. That's what my DP says. He's disgusted with the way they've behaved but just says we will never ask them for anything again. Still feel let down though. I'm not a bad person. If my daughter turned out like me, I have to say I'd be very proud but my parents make me feel that they're ashamed of me and they don't trust me.

lovelydaisies1 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:34:32

Tallulah!! Wow, thanks for the paragraphs!! Never have been able to do them!! Maybe this is why my parents are disappointed with me?! x

tallulahxhunny Fri 17-Jun-11 12:37:00

Sorry op i didnt do that to offend you

fluffy123 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:38:57

It's a tricky one regarding the money as if you had really poor parents you wouldn't have expected any help. NANBU with regards to the lack of emotional support during a messy divorce. I wish you happiness and independence with your new partner.

lovelydaisies1 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:40:57

tallulah, No offence taken, I'm grateful, it looks so much better, thankyou wink I knew it would just look like a big page of ramble! Can you do my last one?!!

ohhappyday Fri 17-Jun-11 12:43:48

Hi lovely

Agree with other folks re paragraphs - how could you be so petty when someone is clearly in distress!! If it hurts your eyes don't read it - simple- but for goodness sake why pile on more misery to other people.

I for what its worth think you have done amazingly well. You sound a lovely well grounded person. Again I would agree borrow the money, pay it back then that's it.

Sounds to me your folks are typical of some money folks I know - TIGHT beyond belief and terrified someone is going to take their cash away. That's why some folks have money and others don't. Personally I would rather be spiritually rich, content with what I have etc etc this sounds exactly what you are. Best Wishes

Punkatheart Fri 17-Jun-11 12:44:09

Poor you. No this is extreme. They sound pathologically mean.

tallulahxhunny Fri 17-Jun-11 12:44:34

lovelydaisies1 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:33:00

My Mum is good in other ways. I work nights as a nurse. She's always been on hand to come and stay to look after the kids. Though after the turbulent divorce they used to cry when I went. I have done these nights for 4 years now and it's exhuasting. I'm grateful to my Mum but I can't help, sorry but I can't help, thinking if they'd helped me out financially, I wouldn't have to be leaving the kids overnight and spend half the week walking around like a zombie and snapping at the kids. Nights were my only option. Earlys start at 7am requiring someone coming to the house at 630am to look after the kids. Late shifts finish at 9pm which requires someone picking the kids up, doing tea and putting them to bed. Nights enabled me to be there all day everyday for the kids and just for my mum to come and sleep while I worked. I would always work but it'd have been great to get a job that fitted in around the kids more and didn't drain me but I need the money from my nursing job to pay for everything. So in a practical sense my mum is very good.
She'll buy the kids school shoes and get them bits and pieces of clothes and for that I'm very grateful. My wage alone is not enough though and as I said I've been very dependant on my abusive ex to make up the shortfall through maintenence.
He's used this as an excuse to treat me however he wants, knowing he'll get away with it because if I rock the boat in anyway he doesn't pay. My parents know this but, nothing. So glad to be moving on with a lovely man and in a practical sense things will be easier. AKMD, I agree with you. That's what my DP says. He's disgusted with the way they've behaved but just says we will never ask them for anything again.

Still feel let down though. I'm not a bad person. If my daughter turned out like me, I have to say I'd be very proud but my parents make me feel that they're ashamed of me and they don't trust me

lovelydaisies1 Fri 17-Jun-11 12:47:18

Fluffy, that's just it. If they had nothing it would have been totally different. It's not about the money, it's the principal. They had the means to help me out of a really bad situation yet they chose not to, that hurts.

OTheHugeManatee Fri 17-Jun-11 12:51:26

Your parents are clearly true, dyed-in-the-wool misers. But it's not like they haven't said they're willing to lend you money - just that they're being particular about when they want it back.

If they are that minted it seems daft not to give you some ££ (plenty of parents do this for their children) but at the end of the day if they're helping you out of a tight spot but being slight arses about it I'd just bite down on the being an arse thing and take the £.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 17-Jun-11 12:55:21

It's not possible to give an informed opinion without knowing a lot more about your dps' age, upbringing and their ethos, whether you have siblings, whether they supported you until your ill-fated marriage and whether they disapproved of your ex-dh, whether they are inordinately proud of their 'standing' in their community etc.

However, from your perspective, your dps are well-heeled and 'not short of a bob or two', but from their viewpoint it may be that they see the drain on their resources caused by the upkeep of numerous properties (which will inevitably have lost value in the current economic crisis), the decrease in value of any other investments they may have, and they may feel that they're facing a financial squeeze.

As for your dm buying 'reduced' food, I'm always inordinately pleased if come across foodie bargains/offers even though I'm willing to pay the full price, but they could simply be of a miserly persuasion, and that is their right - and not something that you'd easily be able to alter.

Iif you are confident that you can repay £30k by a given date, ask your dps to produce the necessary documents which you will happily sign - but I would strongly advise you not to borrow from your dps if there's the slightest chance that you won't be able to honour the requirement as it may affect your chances of inheriting their megabucks .

I'm sure you'd go to the ends of the earth for your dcs, but what would be your reaction if you had to continually go there to bail one or the other of them out? Could it be that your dps are scared that the floodgates will be open if they give you a large sum of money without asking for it to be repaid.

At some future date maybe you can gently and calmly explore some of your issues with your dm with a view to letting her know why you feel that she is not proud of you, and how that hurts you

fluffy123 Fri 17-Jun-11 13:06:37

Lovelydaisies1 , from reading your post it seemed to me to be about the principle and the money.
Do you think your parents are of the old school of thought that marriage should be for life , you made your bed you lie in it etc and that us why they didn't help.

cornflakegirl Fri 17-Jun-11 13:33:02

Does your mum come and sleep over every night that you work? That sounds pretty supportive. Maybe they don't feel as secure financially as they actually are?

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