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to not want to go

(14 Posts)
spookshowangel Thu 16-Jun-11 19:17:04

dp and i have been together for about 9 months and he has been invited to a baptism. setting aside the fact that i dont agree with baptisms (which is irrelevant really), he has mentioned it a few times and says he doesnt want to go on his own and wants me to go. all his old friends live in essex were the baptism will be and i havent met any of them before and i would like to meet them in a more relaxed setting i suppose with some drinks and a chance to have a giggle, he him self has said this is likely to be quite a formal catholic affair. i would go if i had met them in advance and wouldnt be the first time. so aibu to say no?

ashamedandconfused Thu 16-Jun-11 19:22:23

well i think its lovely he wants to invlove you in this part of his life and unless you had really strong religious views against it, you should go - he wants to show you off to his friends because he is proud of you and you are important to him - there is bound to be an informal gathering with drinks and chat, you might even enjoy it!

worraliberty Thu 16-Jun-11 19:23:08

I can only speak about Baptisms in my family...after the ceremony it's very relaxed and casual...a bit like a wedding reception really.

If he wants you to go, I'd put myself out and just go. You might have a great time.

ashamedandconfused Thu 16-Jun-11 19:25:02

going because he wants you there even though its not your thing gives him a clear message about where he stands in your eyes, and the opposite is also true - if you refuse to go, what does he really mean to you?

you would want him to do somethign similar for you, wouldn't you?

TidyDancer Thu 16-Jun-11 19:25:35

I'd probably go if I were you. It's an important event and he wants you there, that's really sweet.

trixie123 Thu 16-Jun-11 19:26:48

As you say, setting aside your feelings about baptism per se, I would go. The formal bit will be over and done with and you can't talk in church anyway! Presumably there is some kind of after-service party which will be more relaxed - you say your ideal would be to have a few drinks and a giggle - if you are looking toward a very long term relationship with this bloke, getting pissed the first time you meet his mates (which is when they will form their lasting impression of you) is probably not a great idea anyway.

meltedchocolate Thu 16-Jun-11 19:28:18

Unless you are against baptisms you should go. smile

meditrina Thu 16-Jun-11 19:30:45

Only the service itself will be formal (and you don't need to participate). The party afterwards could be anything! It'll depend on what his friends are like.

It seems he wants to introduce you to all his friends. You seem to be trying to avoid this.

Where do you want this relationship to go?

spookshowangel Thu 16-Jun-11 19:39:30

not at all really want to meet his friends, i was just hoping it would be in a less formal setting.there is a slight apprehension i suppose about his ex wife etc but i am not really worried as i am fairly certain i will get on with them all fine. i dont really know why i am feeling so anti it aside from the gah baptism are wrong, but thats my stuff and not a big issue. he does seem quite keen since he has mentioned it 4 or 5 times and he only got the invite 3 days ago.

kasbah72 Thu 16-Jun-11 19:42:12

I think going to something like this can actually be a lot easier than meeting in a pub/party/dinner etc.

When you meet socially then the focus is bound to be on you far more than if you are joining an event where the focus is on someone else and where there are other distractions.

Go for it, you might enjoy it a lot more than you think and at least it gets that first meeting out of the way!

fastweb Thu 16-Jun-11 19:57:15

My husband is a Catholic and I am an atheist, over the last 16 years I have ended up spending more time listening to mass than I bargained for (=

It really is up to you to decide if it is something you are comfortable going along to or not, not everybody has the same line in the sand, and some of us find out lines in the sand are more movable than they thought they were. I certainly had no intention of going EVER cos I regarded it as a thing of his that had nothing to do with me ..or us.

But family expectations filtered in and I ended up going to our nephew's first communion, whinging all the way, because allegedly it would look odd to his (entire, huge, gobby) family if I didn't come. I was not a happy bunny going in. But I got to hear the Gloria sung by an amazing choir in combo with the acoustics of Sant'Eustorgio, which has gone down as one of the more memorable moments of my life. Because just for a moment there I got it, I understood why people believe in God. Which is fairly amazing considering that I am as spiritual as your average teabag.

Despite all my firm intentions to the opposite, I had my own son baptized because it was before the rules changed, so at the time unbaptized babies that died didn't go to heaven, and MIL was very very distressed at the idea that our son could end up in a bad place. That was the longest mass ever because I had a very wriggly small person to control who was dressed in so much fluffy stuff that I wasn't sure where his various appendages were. It was like dealing with an enraged octopus having a punch up in a lace factory.

I couldn't have not gone to mass for FIL's funeral, my husband needed me there. And I needed to be there for him. God had nothing to do with it, it was just about love and grief.

I think it is right and proper to decide what works for you and ask for that to be respected, but there may be moments in your shared life where your presence in church next to him might be about so much more than religion, or absence of religion.

Maybe that is what this invite is, a chance for him to make you "offical", and that might be why he is so keen for you to go.

HidinginaHardHat Thu 16-Jun-11 20:00:16

Go. I met some of DP's friends (and their family) for the first time at a wedding where I had a fantastic time. It helped we only went to the evening do where they were already drunk so i didn't have to work too hard to create a good impression grin

You'll suprise yourself with how easy going the whole thing will be.

spookshowangel Thu 16-Jun-11 20:11:24

lol hiding we are going to a wedding in august were i will be meeting them all and i was psyched up for that. fast have no problem going to church per se as i am a Christian (of sorts lol) just think when it comes to baptism its a bit crazy as the child isnt making the choice its self,so i wouldn't do it myself but thats got nothing to do with anyone else. gah i dont know am prob over thinking it all.

fastweb Thu 16-Jun-11 20:42:26

when it comes to baptism its a bit crazy as the child isnt making the choice its self

I got past that with what may be a massive reaching rationalization, but I really wanted to stop feeling so guilty for making MIL feel so bad and worrying about baby hell. Basically my thought process was that for the baptism my son made no promises. He was pre verbal for a start.

The promises were made by MIL and my ever so lovely BIL (sister's husband, very liberal Catholic and the only godparent who is allowed to talk god stuff with kiddo, at kiddo's instigation). they are grown ups and therefore are allowed to make promises if they want.

I haven't gone in for the first communion or the catechism (sp?) Because then to me it looks like he has to make promises, and I think he is too young to really be able to know what religion (if any) he is going to end up as, let alone start make solemn vows. And I'm just not comfortable with that.

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