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To be really cross with school over their protection of a bully.

(42 Posts)
aquashiv Thu 16-Jun-11 18:18:12

Our dd has a little boy in her class who is a right sod to all the kids. Today he tried to stab dd in the wrist with a scissors. Now there has been a number of incidents where parents have complained about him he gets sent to the head gets golden time removed but nothing makes a blind bit of difference.
He has been really violent to our dd on more than one occasion. Lately we have told her to stick up for herslef as we were fed up of her coming home with bruises at his hands.
Anyways I was called in to be told about the latest incident at his hands and was too shocked esp when the teacher said one of them would have to be moved class next year and it could be our dd. Her teacher is brilliant but this seems so unfair. I asked her as dd ever initiated the attacks she said no yet it seems highly unfair its our dd that has is almost been victimised instead of this boy.
We spoke to the parents about it last month and the father just laughed and said thats what kids do. The Mother thinks he can do no wrong.
I know you never know the whole story but why on earth are they protecting the bully?

MrsTwinks Thu 16-Jun-11 18:24:04

because they are shit?!

could be any reason. I had one protected (who tried that spinny break someones neck move on me) because his parents were splitting up and it was "hard on him". Maybe they decided his parents would give the school more shit than you if he was pulled from the class, maybe they're on a board or something.

can you take it past the head? If its more than just your DD being victimised and a few parents go they might at least listen, if not do something. Trying to stab her is a serious assault, how old is he? If it was my DD and the hed did nothing about an attempted stabbing I'd go to the police

There will almost certainly be things going on behind the scenes, but the school won't be able to discuss it with you. Frustrating, isn't it? It must be so difficult to be a teacher with 30 in a class and at the same time try to deal with severe behaviour.

bubblecoral Thu 16-Jun-11 18:31:26

How old is your dd?

I can see why you think your dd is being punished, but the school are probably just trying to resolve the problem. They have as much duty to protect this boy as they do your dd. Perhaps you should put forward the case that your dd has been very upset this year and deserves to be kept within her friendship group.

Wouldn't their classes be moved next year anyway?

kaid100 Thu 16-Jun-11 18:32:06

Have the school shown you their bullying policy? They should have it written in black and white what to do in this situation, and you could point to where they are not doing it.

ndume Thu 16-Jun-11 18:32:24

YANBU, unfortunately nowadays the bully is the one that tends to be protected. You must stand up for your dd. Tell the teacher you would like to keep the 2 as separate as far from each other as possible. Also request the "Anti-bully policy" of the school. When it comes to moving one of them, insist your dd should not be moved, afterall she's not the one with problems. As for the other parents I would keep a mile from them.

Good luck

Riveninside Thu 16-Jun-11 18:35:56

Take it to the police as assualt. I had to remove my child from school as they woildnt protect him against bullies. In fact, they blamed him for beimg 'different'
So if you get no joy from school, report to police. Schools hate that.

aquashiv Thu 16-Jun-11 18:37:31

They are 5!! They have told the school he has issues to do with a granny dying last year and its badly effected him. His last child minder stopped loooking after him as he was such a challenge. Our school is one for saving children and her teacher is brilliant but she does like to tame the difficult kids. I guess that could be reason why he stays in the class and she is moved I do get all that but why should our dd be moved for his behaviour.

bubblecoral Thu 16-Jun-11 18:44:10

I really do undestand why this would upset you so much, but a 5yo is a very small person, of course he deserves some protection. Maybe he needs to be in this teachers class more than your dd, however unfair it seems.

Look at it this way, this boy obviously has some issues. There could be undiagnosed SEN. There could be things going on at home that you don't know about.

Your dd doesn't have these issues, and that is a good thing for you both.

Out of the two children that need to be kept apart, it would make sense to the school to move the child who would probably cope fine with being moved, rather than move the child who could be disturbed by it. They have to consider each childs needs equally. Your dd is most important to you, but both children are rightly equally important to the school.

If a childminder couldn't cope with him, then she is either a spectacularly shit childminder, or there are some definate special needs playing a big part in this.

aquashiv Thu 16-Jun-11 18:50:25

I dont like the whole of idea of thinking kids are bad they arent and this kid is a charming boy but he has huge sudden outburst of anger esp when he doesnt get his own way. As I said it isnt just dd that he attacks, if it were that then I would sort of understand a personality clash, he attacks anyone that doesnt do as he says. For her part we have told her to keep away she tries but its a class and yes there is only so much a teacher can do.
I dont want to start being the sort of parent that stamps her foot and thinks her child can do no wrong but I just feel there is something wrong here am I missing something?

bubblecoral:They have as much duty to protect this boy as they do your dd what do you mean by this when its him thats attacking her?

thejaffacakesareonme Thu 16-Jun-11 18:53:45

It is difficult given the age of the kids. I would be furious though if it were happening to one of my sons. I would keep a note of each and every incident involving your DD and then send an e mail to the teacher in a week or two, which I would cc to the head, about your concerns. The other child may well have SEN, whether diagnosed or not. If the school are aware that other parents are concerned about his behaviour they may be able to allocate a classroom assistant to spend more time in that class to help the teacher deal with his behaviour.

worraliberty Thu 16-Jun-11 18:56:49

It's likely that this child is being asessed for SEN and that the teacher is the one doing the asessment..or at least being a big part of it. Therefore it would make sense to move your child rather than the boy.

Is your DD the ony one bein moved or are other children he 'attacks' being moved too?

aquashiv Thu 16-Jun-11 18:59:14

Thanks bublecoral it has made me think. Our dd had difficulties in foundation as she was a summer baby and really struggled to keep up. There was a lot of unsettlement for her new school new neighbourhood had new twin brothers she has dealt with alot and finally I feel she is settled happy with a nice set of friends. They stay with the same teacher for two years in her school but not if she is moved into another class.

aquashiv Thu 16-Jun-11 19:14:45

worraliberty I dont know this I guess if that were the case I would understand.
YOu have all given me good advice thank you.
PS this is my fist proper post

worraliberty Thu 16-Jun-11 19:16:47

Welcome to MN smile

The difficult thing is, these things are confidential so it's likely you'll never know.

But I'm sure it'll be a relief for your DD not to have to put up with this any longer anyway.

aquashiv Thu 16-Jun-11 19:34:13

No you are right and I guess if the lad has issues then that teacher is the best one to help.
Am actually very impressed. You have calmed me down and let dd and me learn another important lesson in life. The bigger picture.
I just am worried about how she and I will cope with the change. I also have twin boys starting at the same school. Still what doesnt kill you just sends you another bit loopy. Its not the end of the world.
Thanks all I thought I might get some abuse for being a bit precious.

GabbyLoggon Thu 16-Jun-11 19:43:34

aqua yes this protection of a wrongdoer can happen. have heard of it before

troisgarcons Thu 16-Jun-11 19:45:21

"things" behind the scenes I'm afraid. If the child is known to any of the support agencies then exclusion is almost impossible.

fairydoll Thu 16-Jun-11 19:47:40

I wonderwhy it is just your DD they are moving? Does he 'attack' her more than the others? And if so why?

DuelingFanjo Thu 16-Jun-11 19:47:42

do they give 5 year old kids 'stabby' scissors? I thought they would have those round-ended ones!

WellIShouldNever Thu 16-Jun-11 19:50:26

I had a similar expierence with my DS when he was 4, the bully came from a family where ALL the kids had social workers etc...
After he threatned to stab my son, I threatned to report it to the police (advice from my SIL who is a teacher) and we never had trouble again.
However, the bully has now gone to another school, and I have heard he is bullying all teh kids there, trying to strangle them! I know him and / or his brother will be on Crimewatch in about 14 years!

kerala Thu 16-Jun-11 19:51:00

My sister is a secondary school teacher and used to tear her hair out at some of the behaviour. Then she got promoted to a pastoral role and therefore had access to more information about these childrens backgrounds - her whole attitude towards them changed when she realised what they were having to deal with at home. Still feel for you though your dd shouldnt have to be prejudiced I would be speaking to the head if the school were moving your daughter against your wishes and the teacher wasnt listening.

girliefriend Thu 16-Jun-11 19:54:12

Does sound unfair and I understand why you are fed up, does your dd have other friends?
I would work on making sure she stays out of his way, i've got a 5yo and there are some challenging children in her class as well. When I dropped her off this morning I saw one little boy who had backed a disabled child into a corner - I can't believe they are only 5!!!

aquashiv Thu 16-Jun-11 19:54:51

fairdoll because they also love each other. Just this morning infront of me he told her she looked beautiful and she gave him a look of complete adoration.
I know she takes him to the medical room often as he has alot of accidents so you see she isnt blameless.

MizzyFizzy Thu 16-Jun-11 19:58:43

We've had this happen in school...the boy concerned has been assaulting and intimidating children within the primary school for the past 5 years....it doesn't matter how often or how many of the parents complain about this child nothing seems to get done.

Things have been that bad that several parents have had to report incidents to the police ... as things have happened on the way to and from school.

The school say it is not their concern what this child gets up to once he's outside the school gates and advised the parents to report the incidents to the police!

For whatever reasons it seems the school's hands are well and truly tied by some higher power.

Unfortunately this means that other children are having to suffer assault and intimidation on a regular basis and the boy concerned receives no consequences for his actions....surely there should be some middle ground to protect the children being picked on constantly?

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