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to keep trying to be friendly with someone who quite clearly can't stand me ...

(110 Posts)
wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:20:24

...or should I just accept the the fact that she doesn't like me and just move on <easier said than done>

I have a rocky 'relationship' with a colleague. Nothing has actually happened, as such, it's really quite odd. The more I try to be friendly to this person, the shittier she treats me.

To put it quite bluntly, for whatever reason, she can't stand me.

I have tried and tried over the last few years (to the point where I hardly recognise myself at times) and eventually came to the conclusion that she's never going to like/respect me, so fuck it, I just can't be arsed anymore and I completely ignored her.
I don't mean ignoring her as in saying nothing when she spoke to me btw, I mean ignoring her as in making no effort to try and converse/get on. I thought this would make me feel better and more empowered. It made me feel 10 times worse <softarse>

I have tried again to speak to this woman, and quite simply, she just won't acknowledge me. On the rare occasion that she speaks to me (and I do mean rare!) it is a curt one-word.

Gah, I feel like such a knob for keep trying, and everytime I do and get knocked back/ignored, I end up feeling more shit about the whole thing.

Wtf is the matter with me?! Why can't I man-up and accept that this woman doesn't bloody like me!

<awaits kicking>

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:22:09

God, I sound like such a baby! <kicks self>

Oakmaiden Wed 15-Jun-11 23:22:55

It does sound odd. It also sounds like it is her issue, not yours, and you need to find some way to come to terms with it. You don't need to be friends with anyone - just try to keep conversation on a "need to" basis.

It is crappy when someone doesn't like you and you have no idea why.

Oakmaiden Wed 15-Jun-11 23:23:57

I meant you don't need to be friends with any particular person, not that you don't need to be friends with ANYONE...

Gah, this grammar business is challenging today!

Morloth Wed 15-Jun-11 23:24:02

What do you want people to say?

As long as she is professional there is no need for her to be friendly.

Not everyone will like you, best to get over it or you will spend all your time miserable.

The only person being effected is you.

FairhairedandFrustrated Wed 15-Jun-11 23:26:39

My sister is like this with a girl she knows through their children.

I'm just new to the village & the other woman didn't know I was related to my sis.... through a group conversation I heard she hated my sister because of her fabulous clothes & dress sense... hmm

What a tit!

But could it be something as simple as envy/jealousy? Have you a role that she was after... or indeed a pair of shoes wink

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:28:49

Oakmaiden - I know you're right.

Morloth - I have no idea what I want people to say. I really don't.
She isn't professional btw, she's extremely unprofessional tbh.
It's a voluntary organisation though ...and boss just tells me to suck it up and keep trying or just avoid her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 15-Jun-11 23:30:06

Awww OP. I feel sad reading your post. sad

I've been 'your colleague', I took a 'dislike' to somebody I worked with and they had done nothing to deserve it, it was almost a 'revulsion' and I had to work really hard to try to cover it. My colleague tried really hard, just like you are but I couldn't get over how I felt about her. It was completely irrational and I feel crap about it.

I think you'll have to accept that this woman is not going to warm to you. It really isn't you, it's her. Be aloof yourself and don't bother engaging with her more than you have to, at least you'll have a professional respect for each other. You don't need friendships with someone like her.

I really feel sad now... sad

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:30:20

Fairhaired - it could be a little bit of jealousy, I guess ...but not about shoes wink

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:33:37

I know I have to accept it. I just don't know why I find that so difficult.

I have a huge amount of respect for her knowledge and think she's great at what she does - I know I could learn so much from her. If she could stand to be in the same room as me, that is.

I keep trying to be aloof but it makes me feel worse.

I can't win here can I? I just need to accept it and move on.

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:34:21

This has gone on for about 4years now btw.

I really do need to man-up!

bubblecoral Wed 15-Jun-11 23:36:08

If you start to act like you don't care whether she likes you or not, you might eventually start to believe it and feel it.

And you should ask yourself if you really like her? If the answer is yes, then ask yourself why, if the answer is no, then ask yourself why you keep trying with her. If you keep trying just for the sake of being nice, you are clearly a much better person than she is, but you are not doing yourself any favours.

There is also the possibility that she might be put off you because you are trying too hard.

EveryonesJealousOfGingers Wed 15-Jun-11 23:36:44

I reckon if she doesn't like you, then you reining back the friendliness may actually improve her interaction with you. She may find your friendliness uncomfortable, and if you back off and keep it on a basic professional level, maybe she will relax a bit.

Just a thought <disclaimer - armchair psychologist> smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 15-Jun-11 23:37:37

She needs to be professional, OP, whatever her problem with you is. If she isn't, you can either confront her (in a matter of fact way) and tell her that you expect her to treat you as a professional colleague, with the respect you deserve or you can go to your boss. In fact, the threat of going to your boss to sort it out might make this woman buck her ideas up.

Don't feel bad, it really is her problem and you don't have to take responsibility for it. Don't let her 'call the shots', you have to work together and find a 'level'.

You can 'win'; just carry on being as you are. For your sake, stop caring so much, I bet you have many friends who love you, you don't need this woman as a friend.

Morloth Wed 15-Jun-11 23:37:46

Well if she is being actively rude then I think you need to say something. You are being a doormat otherwise.

There are people I don't like and people who don't like me, nothing wrong with that, but I wouldn't put up quietly with someone being unpleasant.

FabbyChic Wed 15-Jun-11 23:40:09

Have you asked her what her problem is? or if you have done anything to offend her?

To be honest I'd treat her with the same disdain she treats you, I'd blank her and only speak to her if I had to.

Why bother knocking yourself out for an ignorant arsehole.

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:40:29

No, I don't like her.

She's rude, sharp and has absolutely no people skills whatsoever. She is very talented and I admire her greatly. But I guess that's beside the point.

I am trying for peace-sake really. And if I'm completely honest, because it hurts me that someone can dislike me so intensly without even knowing me.

Yes, I'm definitely trying too hard. I could kick myself at times because I barely recognise the person that I am when I'm around her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 15-Jun-11 23:44:15

Put it in perspective OP... some of the world's 'best' dictators are incredibly charismatic people yet they lack any kind of sense of their own unimportance and are complete ego maniacs. They're still 'good at what they do', but really the world would be better of without them as their input is so negative.

Next time you're in the office, sneak up on her and see if you can see a '666' anywhere on her head. wink

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:46:23

Ginger - I tried that - it didn't work

Lying - my boss knows all about it. She isn't prepared to do anything about it other than a quick word about maintaining professionalism <sigh>
She's not interested in getting to the root of the problem.

Fabby - yes, I asked her outright what I had done to upset her and was there a problem. She just laughed at me.

I really do need to stop caring so much. I know that.

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:47:21

grin lying - I'm sure it's there somewhere ...!

MilyP Wed 15-Jun-11 23:47:57

When you don't like someone you don't like them. There is nothing you can do to make her like you. You should just stop trying, stop caring and ignore her. Its no reflection on you. Not everyone likes everyone else, thats just the way it is. She might not even know why she doesn't like you. I think the harder you try the more she will dislike you.

Like LyingWitch I have had an almost irrational dislike for someone in the past and the harder they tried to make me like them the more annoying I found them.

I think you would be happier if you stopped trying to think why she doesn't like you, what you might have done, how you could rectify etc and just accept it and keep out her way.

wudu Wed 15-Jun-11 23:49:31

Mily - I think you're right sad

SherlockMoans Wed 15-Jun-11 23:51:33

Ohh I think you just have to write it off when someone feels like this about you. Someone I know really seems to look down on me, our children were initially friends but she turned down a return play date then only seemed to talk to me when no one else was about (most memorably making a real show of talking to me one day the the next day, when I walked over to talk to her looking at me like I was something she stepped in and turning to talk to someone else) It has made it difficult as shes very popular and loads of people I know are friends with her.

Much as I joke about disliking her and her being my nemesis its more a case of the fact that I pity someone whose pool of friends is built on such a superficial and shallow basis - I refuse to waste time in my only life worrying about it.

QueeferSutherland Wed 15-Jun-11 23:52:41

Listen, you are a nice person, that is why you keep making an effort.

She is not.

You are creating a tolerable working environment, which is to be commended. You are being professional.

Could you drop in a pithy comment or two?
She is probably jealous of your beauty/aptitude/intelligence.

begonyabampot Wed 15-Jun-11 23:52:52

haven't heard her side... BUT, I have really disliked people at work but I hope i have never been that unprofessional. If she is just a plain nasty piece of work you are playing into her hands and giving her power over you. You really need to just distance yourself (easier said than done) or if what she is doing is really out of order could you take it up with someone higher up if your manager won't help?

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