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to ask DH to have the vasectomy we agreed on even though he would like another DC?

(74 Posts)
Bogeyface Wed 15-Jun-11 00:32:23

We have just had our 6th and last child. Even if we could afford it, which we couldnt because we cant afford to move to a bigger place and it would mean I couldnt go back to work for even longer plus general living costs etc, my health means I couldnt have another without suffering horribly. I was immobile for most of the last 3 pregnancies which wasnt fair on anyone but especially the other kids. The labour and birth was horrific and each one puts me at greater risk of PPH and other complications.

We agreed before she was born that she would be the last and he would have a vastectomy. But now she is here and a few people have said "ooh anymore?!" and I have said no and he has said...."probably not...." and looked a bit wistful. So I asked him about it and he said that if we could, he would love another. I kind of suspected this would happen but even if money wasnt an issue, I really couldnt go through that again and in his heart of hearts, I know he wouldnt ask me to, but wanting a child isnt that simple is it? Even when I know it is the wrong time or we cant afford it etc, I cant switch off being broody and I dont expect him to either.

We looked into failure rates, which are much higher for female sterilisation so that would worry me. I get pg very easily so I am not sure I would trust being sterilised and would want to use other contraception too, which makes it all rather pointless! As I said, I get pg easily but I dont hold onto them too well, I have m/c in the teens sad and each one is a knife in the heart and that was another big reason for us to get something permanent, we just cant go through yet another loss. We went through 4 to get this baby, and similar numbers to get the others.

So, all that in mind, AIBU to still want him to go ahead with the vasectomy? Or should I have yet another surgery (I have had alot in the last 10 years, which is one of the reasons he agreed to have it done) and get sterilised myself?

MrsReasonable Wed 15-Jun-11 00:34:42

It would be unreasonable to push him into having an operation he didn't want. As with the majority of specifically angled AIBU posts, no, YANBU for wanting/thinking/wishing it.

SpeedyGonzalez Wed 15-Jun-11 00:35:10

No. You are Definitely Not BU. Your life and health is at risk, not his. End of story.

SpeedyGonzalez Wed 15-Jun-11 00:35:59

FWIW, when I had only read your thread title, I was going to say YABU. After reading your OP I've completely changed my mind.

Bogeyface Wed 15-Jun-11 00:42:42

I guess my issue is guilt because how would i feel if he was expecting me to do it if the situation was reversed?

Would the MN jury agree to him pushing me to be sterilised even if i had agreed to it and if I agreed we wouldnt be having any more children even though in an ideal world I would have liked them? I suspect not!

So that makes me think that I am BU and I should suck it up and do it myself.

MrsReasonable Wed 15-Jun-11 00:47:33

Pushing anyone to be sterilised, even if it seems to be wholly reasonable and proper, is absolutely reprehensible. I'm surprised you had to ask.

Bogeyface Wed 15-Jun-11 00:50:33

I suppose "pushing" is the wrong word.

I am not pushing him to have it done, he has agreed and will do it. But, I am not saying "dont do it, I'll do it instead", and I am wondering if I should. Either way, whatever happens one of us will be sterilised so there will be no more children.

StrawberryMewMew Wed 15-Jun-11 00:50:35

I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable asking him to have this operation if it is not what he really wants.

If he was on here asking the same question about you he would be flamed for asking you to do something to your body you do not want.

Can you not use another method like the mirena coil or implant?

Bogeyface Wed 15-Jun-11 00:52:26

Thats what I was thinking Strawberry, but I am worried about the failure rate and going through more surgery. Hormonal contraception is not an option, nor is a traditional coil unfortunately, which is why we agreed on sterilisation.

SpeedyGonzalez Wed 15-Jun-11 00:52:35

But isn't his objection here that he might want another child? He's not worried about the surgery - he's already agreed to it. If he were concerned about having an op that would be different. But his objection is that he wants the option to have another baby, which would potentially endanger the OP.

StrawberryMewMew Wed 15-Jun-11 00:52:55

Or... You could have a hysterectomy? I know it is a serious operation but if you feel very strongly about it, maybe it's an option? And that is obviously 100%.

StrawberryMewMew Wed 15-Jun-11 00:54:26

Speedy The OP has already said that in his heart of hearts, he wouldn't ask her to have another. I think it is probably more the psychological aspects of knowing he is not physically able to have any more.

PenguinArmy Wed 15-Jun-11 00:55:38

It's tough although your position is completely understandable, it is his body and therefore his choice sad

Bogeyface Wed 15-Jun-11 01:02:13

I am caught between Speedy and Strawberry!

On the one hand I kind of do expect him to step up and have this op because if things were different then yes, we would have more, but they arent so we have to do whats best for us all and that is him being sterilised. And lets not forget that I went through the pgs, labours etc and dont really relish yet more invasion of my body.

BUT.....his body, his choice as Penguin and strawberry say and I dont want him to do something he doesnt want to, for whatever reason. For the record, I suspect it is entirely psychological, but that doesnt mean it should be disregarded.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 15-Jun-11 01:11:20

His body, his choice but THEIR DC and contraception choices. A hysterectomy, after 6 births and lots of pregnancies, seems unfair. I think you should talk to him about this and explain that there will be no more children, the choice is an operation for you (serious) or him (not as serious) and you would prefer it was him. See what he says when he knows there is no chance of another DC.

StrawberryMewMew Wed 15-Jun-11 01:12:55

If he does do this and doesn't want to, he could quite easily go to resent you for it. And male sterilisations do also sometimes fail.

I think you need to take a bit more time together openly talking about this as it is not to be taken lightly.

The only failure proof option I think would be a hysterectomy but as you have said you don't want to go through any more surgery.

I know it probably feels like he is being unfair as you have went through so much but you must think of how this will affect your relationship if he does do it and regrets it as it could cause far worse problems.

PenguinArmy Wed 15-Jun-11 01:15:48

Hopefully he will see all those points and agree but the final decision does rest with him. Whether he mights what seems the right decision or not will obviously have a big impact on your relationship and fair enough. YANBU to present with all of this and the consequences, or even to issue ultimatums but he still has the right to say no.

LolaRennt Wed 15-Jun-11 01:24:30

I think if his health were at risk and you refused to do something ( small procedure) to help him you would be a pretty rubbish partner.

So I think he should do this for you yes.

StrawberryMewMew Wed 15-Jun-11 01:28:26

It may be a small procedure, but it is life changing!

How would you feel if your partner asked you to be sterilised when you didn't want it?

LolaRennt Wed 15-Jun-11 01:29:46

The OP can't physically force her husband to have a vesectomy. She will simply be saying HER BODY will not be used to carry any more children after making six babies for them both, so why shouldn't he help her this way.

OP, how would your dh feel if you felt you had to have an abortion after an unplanned pregnancy? You should not have to have another surgery a hysterectomy is much worse than a vasectomy

StrawberryMewMew Wed 15-Jun-11 01:30:49

I've seen countless threads recently based on rights to abortion for women and how no one should be able to try to get them to do something to their body they do not want under any circumstances.

These threads are why I feel so bad for the DH in this thread.

Surely the same rights should apply to both sexes?

StrawberryMewMew Wed 15-Jun-11 01:32:30

Asking him to have a vasectomy would be just as bad if not worse than asking her to have an abortion!

That's not just asking someone to end one pregnancy, it is making sure they are never capable of it again.

Think of the mental problems it could cause this man.

LolaRennt Wed 15-Jun-11 01:34:24

Strawberry what about her right to not risk another pregnancy? Her body? The danger she is risking getting pregnant? They have six children. six

If the Op contines to have a healthy sexual relationship with her husband she risks pregnancy. Maybe she should never have sex again? That won't result in any problems in their marriage will it?

LolaRennt Wed 15-Jun-11 01:35:38

The mental problems? And what about the mental problem that comes with 9 months of being pregnant agianst youur will?

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 15-Jun-11 01:36:43

An abortion involves just the woman's body (and the foetus). But this does involve the OP's body. Therefore at least the discussion should involve this fact. In the abortion threads the man is asking the women to go through a pregnancy for his wants. In this case the man wants to avoid a small proceedure so that the OP can go through either a hysterectomy (major surgery) or another MC or pregnancy both emotionally and physically harmful.

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