to give DD these consequences

[Servalan]

Urrgh - feeling like a crap mum at the moment and wondering if I've been heavy-handed on the consequence front...

DD (aged 4, nearly 5) has just been to her friend's birthday party. They were given party bags as they were going out. DD asked if she could have her sweets and I said that she could eat them when we got home (we only live 2 mins round the corner).

DD then threw a huge tantrum about how she wanted them NOW. I told her that if she continued speaking to me like that, she wouldn't get them today at all. More screaming at this point, so I told her that she wouldn't be getting them today.

On hearing this, she then hit me. I made her sit in time out and told her that since she had hit me, she wouldn't be getting any birthday cake today either, but she could earn her sweets and cake back tomorrow if I saw some good behaviour.

I then had screaming and tantrumming all the way home. I told her that if she didn't stop, she would be going straight to bed when we got home. During the screaming and tantrumming, she hit me again. She tried to wriggle out of holding my hand when I insisted she held it, then she tried to bite me.

She is now in bed. She's not had a bed time story. I did kiss her goodnight and tell her that I loved her before I left the room. She is now screaming and crying in her room.

Don't think I've handled it well at all :(

Bleuurrgh :(

[SuePurblybilt]

I'd say that is almost exactly what I would have done. So there's a pair of us in it

[tallulahxhunny]

i think you did very well! stop beating yourself up, i have 2 dd 6yrs & 7yrs and i wish i had been a bit more consistent when they were that age :(

[nannyl]

YANBU

(though she is probably quite tired, after school and a party... but then assuming she is tired, bed is the best place for her!)

Im sure tomorrow she will be much happier and can have them then
(dont eat them yourself or throw them away or similar)

[Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit]

No, that sounds absolutely reasonable to me - it's what I would have done in your situation.

Never very fun being the one meting out punishment though, can understand why you feel low. ?

[JazzieJeff]

You have done brilliantly. The hardest thing is carrying out the punishment you've dished out. You've explained how she can earn her sweets and cake back, she's pushing the boundaries. Although to me, it doesn't sound so much like outright disobedience as too much excitement and overtiredness! You are a good Mum. Honestly!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It sounds like she's over-excited and over-tired and probably had too much party-type food so she's buzzing a bit. I don't think it will do her any harm at all to have some quiet time in her room, she'll probably fall asleep and you can pop in and check on her later.

I would have done the same as you - you can't allow a child to get the better of you, nor refuse to hold hands when they're told too. Your DD is old enough to follow your conversation with her, she just didn't want to. Tomorrow is another day and she'll be an angel, I expect... in fact, I'd bet on it! Spread the sweeties and cake over a couple of days, I would.

[maxpower]

Are you sure you're not talking about my DD?

Sounds like you dealt with it very calmly - I can assure you that in recent months I've handled situations like you've described far worse. You've done a great job - just be consistent with the punishment.

[LittleMissFlustered]

To be fair, I'd have made her throw the damn sweets away after that, but I am kind of harsh when it comes to punishment. Your punishment was quite reasonable.

[Notinmykitchen]

What else do you think you should have done? Sounds fine to me!

[ashamedandconfused]

you handled it exactly right (but are understandably feeling a bit sad and frazzled by it). Don't dwell on it and don't hold grudges.

what were you to do? give in and let her have her own way after she had yelled and hit you

some parents DO give in like that - heaven help them when the kids are a bit odler I say!

[pointythings]

Totally what I would have done, not too harsh at all, you have to be consistent with them and you were.

The cake and sweets will keep.

[JamieAgain]

I can see how this happened, but (and God knows, I've done it) this probably could have all been avoided by you ignoring the initial tantrum. She's 4, she was probably very tired after the party and 4 year olds don't have perfect control over their emotions. She was simply telling you what she wanted (albeit it in a shouty hysterical 4 year old way). She was not intending to be rude but you, as an adult, interpreted it that way. Not giving in to the shouting would have been enough.

Sorry - this is probably not what you want to hear, but I know from experience how easy it is to escalate a situation so you end up meting out a punishment that could have been avoided altogether, because you are trying to be consistent.

[ZhenXiang]

I think you did well too, firm boundaries and non-tolerance of her abusive and violent behaviour will stand you in good stead as she gets bigger and stronger. I wouldn't have even given her the chance to earn back the sweets and cake they would have been thrown away in front of her and then she would have been sent to bed. You stayed calm and told her you loved her, have a on me you deserve it!

[JamieAgain]

But don't beat yourself up about it.

[mamandeouisti]

Well done Servelan. You did the right thing. It wasn't overly harsh and she knows you still love her.

[WowOoo]

Fine! I nearly did similar thing today.

After warning my 5 yr old to stop going on about something he picked himself up off the grass and sulked and blew rasberries.

She's cross because you're being tough. but it's a short term thing that pays off in the long term or so I'm told..

[Servalan]

Oh - blowing raspberries - DD did that too during her tantrum! (the only point in the whole scenario that I actually felt like laughing - I didn't though!!)

Jamie, I know what you're saying and I'm inclined to agree with you - tis really easy for it all to escalate.

Thanks folks. Feeling a bit better about it - it was sending her to bed that I found the hardest to do - I've never done that before as a consequence. It's all gone quiet upstairs so maybe DD has fallen asleep...

Really wish I had wine in the house, but alas I do not and DH is going to be home late. Bah!!

[BertieBotts]

I don't think what you did was wrong or bad, but I probably wouldn't have kept adding more punishments on when she was reacting to being given one in the first place.

[atswimtwolengths]

I think tiredness is one of the biggest causes of tantrums. I can understand her - I've been beside myself with tiredness sometimes and would have done anything to yell and cry and stamp my feet!

I don't know what else you could have done, really. I think I would still have given the story - hate them to go to bed with a bad feeling - but the cake? No way!

Do you remember when she was a baby - did you used to wrap her up tightly in a blanket and hold her when she was tired and crying? I think they need that until... well until they're adults!

Hope she's OK in the morning. I wouldn't make a big deal of it all, but when you're having a quiet time together maybe you could talk about how she felt when she was reacting like that - ask her if her baby did that when she was a mum, what would she do? Little bit of play acting with two dolls wouldn't go amiss!

[mouseanon]

Ok tbh I don't see why she couldn't have had the sweets when she asked. Was there a particular reason? If there was a reason then fine to say no, but I think you need to avoid saying no just because. It sets you up for battles when there really is no need. "Pick your battles" is my mantra with children, especially little ones, especially little, tired and overexcited ones. One advantage of only saying no when you really need to is that you are an awful lot less likely to end up backing down, ever.

Anyhow, that aside, once you had said no then you really had no choice but to carry out the threats that you made. I've backed myself into corners like that before and regretted it but you have to stick with it. Backing down is far more damaging. I have a rule with myself that I may, if I choose, back down at an initial protest if on reflection I think that is fair, but if I haven't backed down at that point then I absolutely won't. No matter how much they go on about it. So given the set of circumstances that you ended up in you did exactly the right thing IMO. Especially well done for telling her you loved her.

It's horrible putting them to bed upset like that but sometimes it's just unavoidable. It won't do any lasting damage I promise. Tomorrow is another day, and she will get to have her sweets and she will be happy again.

[Intothevoid]

She clearly was tired and emotional but that doesn't make her behaviour acceptable and I would have done exactly the same thing.

But try not to feel emotional about it yourself - you've just executed the process that is best for her in the long run, as is your obligation as her parent and you've done her a favour.

You can act tomorrow like nothing has happened except for when she asks for the sweets and then you need to neutrally remind her that they need to be worked for.

Well done on a situation well handled I say.

[JamieAgain]

Oh good - I thought I might upset you ... Onwards and upwards!

[Servalan]

Thanks - the saying she could have the sweets when she got home wasn't me trying to start a battle - it was more she said "can I have the sweets" and I said "yes, you can have them when we get home". Don't know why I didn't just open them then and there for her - just thought it would be easier for her to eat them on the sofa at home than walking home I suppose. If she had said "please can I have them now" I would probably have said OK - just once she was in full tantrum mode I couldn't reward the behaviour.

Think I'm feeling sad because I love sitting with her on the sofa at the end of the day and giving her a cuddle - so am missing my cuddle too!! :(

[JamieAgain]

Aaaw - you are obviously a lovely thoughtful mum. Let it go. Tomorrow's another day and all that