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AIBU or shall I just excuse DP behaviour because he is "not a morning person"?

(32 Posts)
B4Beatrice Tue 14-Jun-11 15:11:01

Honest opinions would be great.

DD is nearly two and has severe eczema, sometimes this means she wakes up in the night and CANNOT get back to sleep because of itching.

I work free lance and mainly evenings and weekends although sometimes week days, as DP works full time I arrange any child care that we need whilst I am work, if it falls during DP working hours (is is normally out of the house from 8.30-6.30/7pm).

I LOVE my job, and as it is working with a sport that I used to compete in, DP sometimes prefers to call it my "hobby" rather than work. It is work. I get bad very good money in comparasion to most part-time, easy to fit around the kids, type jobs. I can earn anywhere between £30-£50 ph, and £150+ per day. Howerver we are not rolling in it because the work is not regular and can be infrequent during the winter.

I dont HAVE to work and could SAHM full time but I love my job, and we are certainly not rich enough to turn extra money down! My money means we can afford extras, days out etc.

Anyway, back to the story, last night I was at working, and had asked DP to be home sharp (but not early). Alls fine I had, cooked them both dinner, all he had to do was eat with DD, bath and put to bed.

3am this morning DD wakes up, obviously I go to her, and notice she doesnt have her tights and vest on under her pyjamas. The tights and vest are prescribed, and are made to hold the creams into the skin to keep in moisture. They also stop the itching, as she cant get to most of her skin.

I probably did snap a little at DP "why haven't you put tights/vest on? There is no way she is going back to sleep now!" He replied "You didnt leave them out". Just for reference, they were in the pyjama draw. He was basically too lazy to do it.

DD is then up all night, does not go back to sleep at all. I am exhausted and TBH have had enough of DD (mean parent). I wake DP at 7 and asked him to take her, give her some breakfast so I can shower. Normally he does not help with DD in AM as I am at home all day. He then snaps-

"I have been at work all day yesterday, will be at work all day today, you were "out" for hours last night, didnt leave tights and vest out, and now you are waking me up early because you are pissed off and have had no sleep.

Big row, me in tears, he storms out etc etc.

Couple of hours later he rings and says he is sorry for the way he spoke to me (not for what he said) but that he is rubbish in the mornings and is grumpy and I know that but is sorry anyway.

Since then me and DD have slept this morning so feel much better and are ready to face AIBU.

Sorry for big message. This type of thing happens about once every 6 weeks so although it sounds petty, it is causing a problem..........

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo Tue 14-Jun-11 15:15:57

It's good that he has apologised. What you need to do is speak to him and remind him that he is a parent, and he has to be responsible for dd when he is in his care.

Don't get everything ready for him when he is looking after your dd again. he needs to learn himself how to look after her.

TheSkiingGardener Tue 14-Jun-11 15:27:16

At least he has apologised but he really needs to step up and actually take some responsibility. He's her dad, not someone doing you a favour by looking after her.

heleninahandcart Tue 14-Jun-11 16:20:40

YANBU in expecting him to be able to find a drawer and put clothes on. That's pathetic.

YABU for expecting him to respond well in the morning. You poked a sleeping dog. He is not a morning person, he can't cope with any reasoned discussion, certainly not argument. If you want to tell him, wait till he's good and awake. Then lay into him if you want to, you will get a much better response.

Amateurish Tue 14-Jun-11 16:25:20

You were both tired, he made a mistake, you both said unpleasant things, he apologised. Move on.

GooGooGadget Tue 14-Jun-11 16:25:53

He's said sorry.

Your AIBU should be AIBU for expecting my DH to look after his daughter's excema properly. He should have looked for the tights and vest. Why is it your job to lay everything out? He's not a child.

SheCutOffTheirTails Tue 14-Jun-11 16:27:54

I'm not a morning person.

But I don't use that as an excuse for failing to care properly for a 2 year old with a medical condition.

The selfish fucking prick to do that to her because you hadn't left out her pyjamas.

No way on earth would I have been the one to get up at 3am with a child that was sick because her bastard father didn't look after her properly.

He should have got up in the night with her. And to then give you an earful this morning, having had a good night's sleep after making his daughter sick and then forcing his wife to deal with it?

Utter, utter scumbag.

If you have to deal with this level of neglect of your child and selfish disregard for you every few weeks you have a serious problem with your marriage.

He is a BAD parent too. So you don't even have that bullshit excuse for putting up with being treated like shit.

He calls your job a hobby? And complains that last night you were OUT?

Grade A prick.

Tear him a new one when he comes home. And fuck his bullshit non-apology.

Has he apologised to his daughter for not bothering to look after her properly?

SheCutOffTheirTails Tue 14-Jun-11 16:32:34

"You were both tired, he made a mistake, you both said unpleasant things, he apologised. Move on."

No, no, no, no. No.

1 Only the OP was tired. This lazy fuckwit was the only one in the house to have had a good night's sleep. Not wanting to be woken up isn't the same as being tired.

2 Deliberately failing to care for you sick child isn't "a mistake", it's neglect.

3 One person said unpleasant things that were justified, the other person said unpleasant things to bully and attack. Not equivalent.

4 His apology is bullshit - it was more giving himself an excuse than really accepting that he was way wrong.

5 Do not move on. Your daughter deserves better than this, and so do you.

TotallyLovely Tue 14-Jun-11 16:49:44

He should have looked for the tights and vest and he should stop referring to your job as a hobby!

fuzzpigFriday Tue 14-Jun-11 17:01:15

He is a parent, it is just as much his responsibility as yours and that includes remembering something which presumably you do every day!

I see this so much on MN and with my RL friends, even when both parents work there seems to be the assumption that all these details fall to the mother. Why? angry

OP, sympathies with the eczema, it is horrible isn't it sad we've just started wet wraps and it's made an amazing difference, but DS (22m) still gets flare ups so the GP thinks it might be an allergy - have you looked into this? Also, it's controversial, but my GP recommended piriton at night when it's bad - as well as helping him sleep it stops him scratching and reduces risk of open sores and infection.

Also, OP, can I please ask - how easy was it to get the vest and tights prescribed? We've only had the tubifast stuff so far, but it loses elasticity quickly and we've had to change to normal tubigrips which seem a bit too thick and tight. We have been referred to a dermatologist, should we ask about the suits? I feel they might be more effective especially as the tubigrips don't cover his ankles or back...

Sorry for hijack - back on topic, no YANBU!

Ormirian Tue 14-Jun-11 17:04:11

Dh isn't a 'morning person' either. He's learned to be over the years because that's life <shrugs> . I have limited sympathy TBH - no-one's a morning person when they've had little sleep.

expatinscotland Tue 14-Jun-11 17:10:55

Poor kid. Dad is such a crap excuse for a parent he think it's mum's lookout if she suffers all night because he didn't treat her medical condition appropriately.

I'm not a morning person, either. I have also suffered from dreadful insomnia since I was about 13. I'm now 40.

That's too fucking bad for me. I chose to have kids. They get up early.

It's part of being an adult who choses to have kids.

GwendolineMaryLacey Tue 14-Jun-11 17:15:00

I don't excuse anything because of tiredness. One of the first things MIL said to me was that they always make allowances for DH on a Thursday because that's the day he gets really tired. He was twentyfuckingsix at the time. Now I notice he's starting to excuse DD's behaviour 'because she's tired'.

Tiredness does not excuse hitting, kicking and throwing things (in children) or fuckwitted behaviour in adults. I'm 11 weeks pg and knackered. I don't play up because of it.

Your poor dd sad

TidyDancer Tue 14-Jun-11 17:24:51

Okay, let's assume that DH made a mistake about the clothing and is not a heinous bastard willing to play it fast and loose with his DD's medical requirements. It's likely he just forgot. Which is not acceptable, but it's not quite the crime with intent that people are assuming.

That said, his reaction and the things he said were not on and need addressing, further than his half-arsed apology. I'm not a morning person, but I don't scream at DP and refuse to take care of the DCs because of it. I'm a parent, I suck it up and do it.

OP, YANBU.

TidyDancer Tue 14-Jun-11 17:25:35

Oh, and on the subject of describing your job as a hobby? angry

Words would be had in this house if that happens. Very bloody strong ones.

post Tue 14-Jun-11 18:25:44

And presumably the OP isn't a 'middle of the night' person; didn't stop her being a parent to her dd when she's needed, though. He is showing no respect to you at all, OP.

NotYourPrincess Tue 14-Jun-11 18:39:27

It sounds as though your H needs a good kick up the arse.

Is this the first time he has been neglectful if your poor DD? If you feel safe leavin her with him, go away for a weekend with friends/to a spa/mini break type thing. See how things change once he's had to make his own dinner and set out your DD's night things and worry about her skin himself.

If you can't trust him to look after his own DD for a weekend by himself, you need to seriously think about whether he is the kind if person you want in your home. Just because you're a SAHM and happened to be the one with the womb, dies not mean that you should be the one who always looks after her. It sounds as though he is acting like your second child and feels entitled to do so just because he leaves the house to work every day.

NotYourPrincess Tue 14-Jun-11 18:41:47

*leaving
and
*does
blush

B4Beatrice Tue 14-Jun-11 22:33:26

Wow thanks for the comments!

I think he forgot the tights and vest TBH, I don't think he was trying to make a point of not doing it because I had not left them out IFYSWIM.

He will now be wonder parent, tow the line, be extra helpful for about a month and then something similar will happen again.

He does have a problem with me working and I have given him the dates that I am working, which is a lot now its summer and competition season, and he did not seem pleased for me.

He can't see why I want to work if I don't have too, he thinks I have it easy and therefore my job is my hobby. This needs addressing. But like I said, this will not be an issue for a month or so because he will be perfect partner/parent.

FuzzyPig- she is already prescribed 5mls of piriton every night. TBH I think she needs a change in antihistimine (sp) but they will not look at that until she is two (august). For sure, ask about tights and top. They are really good, and my GP gave them to me pretty easy as he re-vamped our whole treatment routine, and told us to steroid the bad areas and then smear hydramol all over until she looks ready to swim the channel, and then put tights etc on. They worked really well for a while but now summer is here things are not so good again because of allergies.
Yes, she is allergic, to lots! Dairy (prescibed Nutramigen AA) pork, peanuts (not hypo allergic), tomatoes, yeast, envioroment etc etc etc!

Tis shit at times, but some people are much worse off and really it is treatable and we can maintain it to just minimal amouts providing we treat it right and she gets enough sleep. When she gets tired it is much much worse.

fuzzpigFriday Wed 15-Jun-11 08:52:11

Aww poor wee thing sad DS has got off lightly in comparison it seems! With all those things to think about your DH really needs to step up - for longer than a month!

thekidsmom Wed 15-Jun-11 09:05:05

Wow, your DH is taking some stick here!

There are two different things going on - he 'forgot' to get your DD ready for bed properly (does he often do her nightime routine - could he really have been unaware of her creams and vest etc?). His mistake could be genuine or he could have not realised how much getting it right really mattered - he does now.

and his reaction in the morning, which is understandable if he really is not a morning person - non morning people can be very grumpy first thing - and very useless with kids, in my experience. All very well saying he should step up but if he hasnt been asked to do so before, he'll have been taken utterly by surprise and not been ready to do so... hence the verbal backlash (which was very meaning and dismissive of your contribution but that's a different matter...)

Her ezcema will get better, you know,as she gets older. I had very little sleep with my youngest for the first 4 years because of her itching but it does get better - hang in there...

Chandon Wed 15-Jun-11 09:10:28

You do NOT have to live with terrible eczema.

a GOOD GP would help you sort it, or else refer you to a dermatologist.

My GP told me, when I said we were used to never being on top of DS bad eczema that it is not necessary to live with bad eczema, as there are treatments. It's just that some GPs don't find eczema important/don't understand it.

Please get it sorted out. My DS responds well to momethasone cream, combined with greasing up every day.

expatinscotland Wed 15-Jun-11 09:13:47

'and his reaction in the morning, which is understandable if he really is not a morning person - non morning people can be very grumpy first thing - and very useless with kids, in my experience.'

Then you buck up and grown up or don't have kids. I have a good mate who's not a morning person. So she became a nurse so she could work nights or evening shifts forever and not have to get up in the morning and she never had kids.

You learn some self-control and maturity as an adult, which includes not consistently taking things out on your partner or kids. Not use 'I'm not a morning person' as an excuse to check out and act like a dicksmack and leave the other person to pick up the slack consistently.

TimeWasting Wed 15-Jun-11 09:35:14

If he thinks your job is a hobby, then presumably he thinks looking after DD is your job.
And therefore when he does things with/for her it's a favour and not really his responsibility. So if things go wrong it's not really his fault.

I think standard MN advice would be to book yourself a weekend away and leave them to it.

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