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To be annoyed by my sisters talk of sorting out my sons behaviour?

(241 Posts)
twinklingfairy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:21:23

I have a 2.5 yr old son who is a wee monkey who is in a habit of saying no, then stepping forward to do what he just said he wouldn't.
When he is on the loo or wants to be naughty he says 'you go find granny/sister or daddy'

Sis tries to assert her authority over my children everytime she sees them, has done the same with DB girls too. To the point of ruining the enjoyment of dinner for them but being either unaware or unconcerned.

On Sunday she decided that my DS ought to tidy up the CDs that he scatters around Granny's music room everytime we go there to play (we normally tidy up when we leave)
She decided to tell him to do it just because she wanted him to. To which he replied No.
So she told him again, same response, so she tried threatening tones, he told her no, go find granny.
She then gives up realising that it was a pointless battle of wills she was only going to lose and anyway, was it that important? Not really.

So she comes through to me, with her smile, to tell me about what he had done (refusing to do as he was told) and that he had been cheeky to her.
She said that she would have had him on the naughty step for that and that his cheekiness would just not be accepted in her house.
I then end up in an hour long discussion with her over discipline styles during which she tells me she would have a stronger hand, that I have always been soft on my boy (much harder on my older girl), that if she had him for a week she would have him sorted out and that he will get bad reports in school for his cheek.
I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude.
And that, when she has children, she will not be saying what she is now and that if she does try to have a firmer hand, her children will be frightened to move for fear of a row. No one could keep up the level of intensity that she intends to have.

My boy will do as he is told (for the most part), he is not rude to strangers and if he is, come on he is 2!
If he doesn't you can normally do the 1, do that, 2 do that 3.... and he will do that for fear of the naughty step which I use regularly. As regularly as I feel in necessary.
Yes I probably am softer on him, but he is a different boy who would scream for hours if he felt inclined. There is only so far you can push it before he ends up spending all day on the step. So I pick my fights.

Arg, see, I am defending myself already!

Madlizzy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:24:41

What does Granny think about him scattering her cds? Tbh, I wouldn't allow him to do that in the first place.

Eggstra Tue 14-Jun-11 13:26:05

Ahh yes, I have a one of those a dsis who thinks she is much better at parenting than me despite having no children herself and only has one too many episodes of supernanny to go on.

Just ignore her

GypsyMoth Tue 14-Jun-11 13:27:23

me neither madlizzy!!!

worraliberty Tue 14-Jun-11 13:27:39

I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude

For that alone YABU. There's nothing worse than a cheeky kid whose parents think it's adorable.

On the other hand she shouldn't be trying to take control of your child.

Personally I would just avoid him more until he's better behaved.

Well, if my sisters kids scattered CD's all over my room I would be wanting them to be tidied up now and not when they leave.

I have to tell my sisters DS's off too - she comes to see me for the weekend, down tools and lets them get on with it....if I didnt discipline them and tell em off it would be bloody chaos!! For the record, her kids are little buggers (thats praising them)and if she doesnt get her act together with them she is gonna be in trouble in years to come.

GypsyMoth Tue 14-Jun-11 13:31:03

maybe take a closed look at your sons behaviour and ignore your sister?

QuintessentialShadow Tue 14-Jun-11 13:35:14

Yabu to let your kids create havoc in other peoples homes.

Your sister should not have to even try discipline your kids. It is YOUR job.

And there is nothing adorable about a cheeky 2 year old who is allowed to trash about with things that are not toys, in other peoples homes.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring Tue 14-Jun-11 13:37:39

To be honest he might only be small but it does sound like he is being rude. Cheeky might be cute on a two year old but it quickly wears thin as they get older.

twinklingfairy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:38:39

Madlizzy, granny is ok with it, it is kind off his cd collection. Ones that she leaves in a basket that he van play with. If he goes near the ones in the living room we all pounce, quite funny really cos he does try every now and again. Seems to have a thing for the eurythmics?hmm

I know I should just ignore her and I did such a good job of sitting there letting it wash over me.
Mum and I say we will save these comments for when she has her own and then gurgle at her when it all goes wrong.
I know I was smug childless but I didn't go to the extent of saying so many mean things, albeit I don't think it occurred to her that it was.
But she is dissin' me and my son!!

And I feel sorry for her that she will miss so much by being so strict on herself as well as the child.
I regret not co sleeping with DD, not carrying her as much as I could have.
So I co slept with DS and carried him a lot. But then, he was in a bad way for about the first 3 months of his life and then became incredibly clingy whilst DD was not.
So he had a different start and is a different child.
I don't think you can compare the way I have disciplined my easy going girl to the way I do/don't my more determined and characterful boy.

She and her DH have been judging me since DS was 6months, I know it I have seen it, they are not subtle and not afraid to say, well, I wouldn't have picked him up.

I have walked in on discussions between them and my mum which they were unaware that I caught the gist of.

She is just such a fool to herself but I just get so sick of teh judgment.
TBH I avoid her mostly.

At family meals I try not to sit her with my DD she becomes subdued.
Last time I could see sis was put out cos I said, No, I am sitting opposite my DD, you sit over there.
She was all ready to show her disciplinary skills. The dinner table is her favourite place for it.

wannaBe Tue 14-Jun-11 13:39:41

he sounds like a cheaky little brat.

yabu.

QueenCee Tue 14-Jun-11 13:40:01

"wee monkey" makes me think your DS is probably a hand full but as he's your DS, you find it cute. Others may find him hard work to be around and can see that by you allowing him to get away with everything and answer back is going to make him a much bigger monkey in years to come.
Answering back isn't cute and neither is making a mess in someone elses home.
However, I understand why your sis pointing this out may touch a nerve.
Maybe have a word with her, find out how she feels about the situation.

SusanneLinder Tue 14-Jun-11 13:40:44

Yes he may be 2,but CD's are not bloody toys.They cos a tenner a pop. So if he scattered 20 or so CD's about the place, I would be annoyed too. Take toys with you for him to play with. Nor would I allow a 2 year old to say "No" to me.

If he screams for hours-buy ear plugs and warn your neighbours. And maybe if you disciplined him a bit more,your sister would have less cause for complaint.So YABU

twinklingfairy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:42:31

His wee comment is one comment that he says with a smile cos he knows he is being cheeky.
When he goes for the good CDs he does that with a wee grin too, cos he knows he is chancing his arm. Then he runs off to return then to where they should be.

jasminetom Tue 14-Jun-11 13:43:53

Your sister is wrong to confront you, if I was her (and I do completely sympathise with her for not enjoying your child's behaviour) I would simply avoid these situations. Why doesn't she just stay away when she knows you are there? Sorry but I would. My sister doesn't know just how irritating and chaotic I find her family life, I meet them once in a while in a family friendly Italian and never, ever visit or share family space. It's one of the reasons I live 3,000 miles away.

valiumredhead Tue 14-Jun-11 13:44:38

Ime if someone is over exerting their disciplinary skills it's because the parent isn't stepping up to the mark and doing it themselves.

wannaBe Tue 14-Jun-11 13:45:39

no, you are clearly blind to the fact that he is cheaky. it is not cute, it might be to you but in a year, or two it certainly won't be and then he'll be more confused because you've let him get away with it for so long and suddenly want the boundaries to change.

saying "no" when asked to do something is just not a behavior that should ever be encouraged. and saying "no" and then "go and get granny" is even more cheaky. I'm not surprised your sister feels that he needs taking in hand.

Oh and bringing up children to be disciplined is not limiting oneself or one's children.

tbh you sound like one of those nightmare parents who has the attitude that their little brats darlings can do no wrong.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Tue 14-Jun-11 13:46:34

It sounds like because he was poorly early on that you now spoil him. You need to step up to the plate here because the older he gets the less time anyone will want to spend with you because of him.

SusanneLinder Tue 14-Jun-11 13:46:46

So tell him off for doing stuff he shouldn't be doing-it's not rocket science! I know we all have different standards of parenting, but it does sound like you let your son do exacty as he wants with very little repercussions.

diddl Tue 14-Jun-11 13:46:49

Sounds like six of one & half a dozen of the other tbh.

Journey Tue 14-Jun-11 13:48:04

It sounds like your sister is a bit smug and you're too lax regarding your DS's behaviour. I would ask my 2.5 year old to tidy up the CDs after it happened as opposed to at the end of the visit.

At times there is a fine line between cheeky (cute) and cheeky (naughty). If your DS keeps saying "no" I think there is an issue there because to me it sounds like naughty behaviour. Perhaps you need to be a bit more realistic about your DS's behaviour.

twinklingfairy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:48:19

The CDs are not expensive, they are cheap copies that have been made available to him because he loves playing with them.
ASre you trying to tell me that when you visit your mothers house your children do not make a mess and you clean it all up as they go along?
My children are allowed to play at their grannys, they have toys there for their pleasure and they play. Before we leave, we tidy up.
DS is in the music room, doing no one any harm, happily playing with his CDs, sis decides that he should tidy up before his is ready. DS didn't want to.
He said so.

Yes, I agree, I really dislike that he says no so much, but, as I said normally he says it out of habit then does as he is told. I am not sure that I can veto a word just yet? Would he understand?

I say, stop saying no, he say... no
and round and round it goes.
What can I do but hope he grows out of it?
Honestly asking for advice on that, because I do dislike it.
But it is just how he is at the moment.

WhoAteMySnickers Tue 14-Jun-11 13:50:19

I'm sure you think your DS is charming, I can assure you that many people, family included, will not.

Your sister is wrong to talk of sorting out your DS's behaviour, it's you that should be doing that.

jasminetom Tue 14-Jun-11 13:50:33

yes I agree wannaBe, absolutely. OP, please tell me if you ever plan to fly, post the flight number and airline, I will then cancel my ticket if we clash. I ALWAYS end up being seated next you and your cheeky/cute/amazingly clever/musical child. I resent spending a thousand pounds on a 6 hour flight to have it ruined by a child climbing on me and the expectation being that I am impressed.

Filibear Tue 14-Jun-11 13:50:37

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