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how do i leave my husband

(29 Posts)
1candy Tue 14-Jun-11 12:11:27

I have been married for 5 years and been with my husband 11 years we have 2 children 3, 5 yrs and i am not in a happy marriage by any means, I want to move out with the girls i just dont know how to go about it. we live in a rural area and are living in a tied house with my husbands job so it would be me that had to go. things havent been right for a year or so and enough is enough he says he loves me but i no longer love him. i do everything with the children and feel like a single parent most of the time but just cant stay here as its making me so unhappy. Hes not a bad man he just preffers to be doing his own thing rather than spending time with me and our girls. I currently work part time but dont have any savings and wouldnt know where to start with renting a property and would i be able to afford it? can anyone please help me i just dont know where to start and i cant go on like this.

knittedbreast Tue 14-Jun-11 12:14:59

Im in a similar situation.

You need to tell him how you feel. organise for him to pay the deposit on a house for you and the girls to rent. He can pay all your fees and then you and the girls move there. You can keep working and will hopefully recieve hb etc to help towards your living.

I know its hard, but can you iamgine living like this for he rest of your life?

good luck

GypsyMoth Tue 14-Jun-11 12:18:21

local council.....ring and ask if they do the rent assist scheme? this will help with deposit on a rented place,and they may have lists of landlords who will take housing benefit,as many dont

you may need a guarantor too

1candy Tue 14-Jun-11 12:46:39

have spoken to my husband but he just brushes everything under the carpet he doesnt think theres even a problem though ive told him how unhappy i am. he would never give me money to move out but i can raise a deposit with help from family if i asked them but they live miles away. i just feel so alone and finding it so difficult. i will ring council and see what the can offer i have never claimed benefits so dont know how to go about any of it. i cant carry on like this for the rest of my life just so difficult never been out in the big bad world on my own and find the thought of it scarey especially with two children thankyou for ur comments

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 14-Jun-11 12:59:50

Have you told your dh exactly how you feel and that, unless he changes his attitude and spends more time with you/your dcs, you are planning to move out?

If he spent more time at home participating fully in his family's life, would this rekindl your feelings for him?

Before you take such a drastic step, please consider counselling for yourself and your dh as this may help you both decide whether your marriage can be salvaged, and/or help reconcile him with the inevitable if there is no hope that you can continue in the marriage.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:03:41

It would seem that if you do set up home on your own, you will benefit from having some form of support.

Would it be possible for you to move nearer to your family, and is there maybe a family member that you/your dcs could stay with temporarily while you consider your options and look for accomodation, schooling, new job etc?

RobF Tue 14-Jun-11 13:05:11

Just slip out the back, Jack.

justonemorethen Tue 14-Jun-11 13:10:54

Are you sure it's him and not the fact that you are stuck in the country with two children. Having grown up/lived with farmers I know how sucked into work they get and how busy they are to the exclusion of their partners. It's not just you,promise.
If he loves his life as it is then it will be a big wake up call when you go anyway, his life won't stay as it is. Make him see it that way and have a proper talk about what you need to change. Local council for housing advice and ring tax credits to see how much you will get if you can stick with your job (job centre plus for non working benefits).
It's easier in a lot of ways on your own actually but make sure you are jacking him in after 11 years for the right reasons.

1candy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:15:18

i have told him how i feel and that i can no longer go on like this he just says yeah right u could never do it on ur own!!! he doesnt think i have the back bone or the courage to do it. I have given up trying been trying hard for months but still no joy i just feel so tierd deflated all the time and the cildren are picking up on it too which i didnt want to happen. I have been to counciling and am still going been feeling so low as recently got diagnosed with cancer and my husband again brushed it under the carpet saying you'll be fine etc and i have had to go to appointments and such like on my own and arranging childcare while i go to them does he really care?!!!!

1candy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:20:33

ohh and yes my husband is a farmer

1candy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:25:31

it just seems a big big step and i feel like ive failed as a wife by feeling this way thanks for all ur comments i helps just chatting to someone who is in a simular situation and getting it out my system going to ring tax credits and council to see what i would be entitaled too thanks agian

sausagesandmarmelade Tue 14-Jun-11 13:27:20

Sounds just awful....

Do you have family and friends that can help? Have you shared what you are going through with them?

You need help and support to make the change. It could be that after you move out your husband will realise what he is missing....

Definitely contact the council (as someone else suggested).
I'm sure that there are also other options..

1candy Tue 14-Jun-11 13:34:37

i have got some good friends but they are friends to the both of us so dont want to get them involved really my family live 150 miles away but do chat to them on the phone i want to stay in this area as my little one settled at school an has friends and think that moving out the area might just be too much for them. and have work which i enjoy even though its only part time

catinthehat2 Tue 14-Jun-11 13:36:49

Rob is being facetious, but he's kind of right.

You are facing a cliff.

Can you stay with family, (ie do the slip out the back Jack, leaving thing), to give yourself foot on the ladder upwards?

THEN address the finances & detail as the next rung on the ladder? Also means you get back up for hosp appts etc

Do it bit by bit, not all at once?

woollyideas Tue 14-Jun-11 13:37:42

Even though you are not yet a single parent, OP, it might be worth your while getting in touch with Gingerbread, the lone parents' organisation.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

They are a mine of information and I found them very helpful when I did something similar to what you're thinking of.

It is a big step, OP. I took a similar step 12 years ago, not just leaving my husband, but also leaving the country we were living in at the time. I'm not going to pretend it was easy in the beginning, but I cannot imagine how unhappy we'd have been if I'd stayed and I've never regretted leaving.

Please try Gingerbread - they're great!

Whatever you decide, good luck!

sausagesandmarmelade Tue 14-Jun-11 13:41:32

I see...

I do really feel for you.
I do think you should stop blaming yourself. It takes two to create a happy marriage...and basically you deserve to be happy.

This could be the catalyst for change....a positive change which will make your husband realise what he could miss and make him more determined to be the supportive, kind, helpful husband that you need....or it could be a way forward for you to create a happy future for yourself and your children.

I would definitely start exploring your options now.

You say you have recently been diagnosed with Cancer. That must be really difficult as well...
You say your family live a long way away...all I can say is that if you were my sister or mother...I would want to do all I could to help you. If you can...then I would give them a ring and let them know what you are going through and what you are intending to do.

topazmcgonagall Tue 14-Jun-11 14:25:21

Let your doctor, or specialist nurse, know that you're having these problems at home as well as facing the trauma of dealing with cancer. They should be able to write you a letter of support for the council's housing department. Different local authorities have different policies and different availability, but you may well be eligible for housing straight away. Let the council know that you have cancer. You have a lot on your plate. It may help to have a chat with someone from Macmillan Cancer Support.Macmillan I wish you the best of luck.

cinnamontoast Tue 14-Jun-11 15:07:34

Hi 1candy, just want to say that I left my partner 9 years ago, with DS aged 5 and DD aged 1. While I didn't have your difficult housing situation (I managed to get him to agree to sell our house and split the proceeds), I really do sympathise, as it took me a long long time to get to the stage where I could do it. I just wanted to tell you that what worked for me was taking it one step at time, and each step gave me a little bit more strength for the next one. The initial steps are effectively 'researching' life on your own: take all the advice above about housing, sound out friends, relatives (it made a big difference for me once I'd found someone to confide in), work out costs - the financial side is the big headache, so go online to the CSA, where you can calculate what he would have to contribute. Obviously you've got your illness to deal with too, which must be dreadful - is it worth you postponing actual action till you get the all-clear for that? What pushed me to leave was when I told my ex I was pregnant with DD - his lack of reaction or affection suddenly made me see things clearly, after years of unhappiness. But I waited till she was over a year old, as I wanted her to have a relationship with him (and I was too scared to leave when I was pregnant!).

I won't pretend any of it was easy but now, 9 years on, I am happily married to someone else and I am appalled to think I might have lived the rest of my life trapped in a miserable relationship (sometimes have bad dreams where I'm still stuck there). Take it one day at a time and gradually build up your strength - and start saving money too, even if it's only a little.

Good luck - and you'll be surprised by how kind people are once they know.

pumpernickel10 Tue 14-Jun-11 15:15:17

Get in touch with your local council and see if they can rehome you.
I know it's easy for me to tell you this and I won't say I know what your going through but if you want to leave him follow your instincts, will he change etc? Does he know how you feel?
Wishing you well hope all works out smile
Take care

1candy Tue 14-Jun-11 16:24:48

thankyou all it helps to know that people are out there who care and are helpfull and been in the same situation more or less. one step at a time i think i do have a really good friend who is being really supportive but my husband doesnt like me talking to anyone about our problems and went crazy when he found out i was asking for advice about our marriage and about my medical problems. My family and friends keep telling me to leave as they can see how unhappy i am and that they would be there for me but will they when it comes to the crunch. I dont want to upset the children as they love there life where we live and have everything they wish for and i worry once i go they will miss out.

cinnamontoast Tue 14-Jun-11 17:19:29

I know it's hard to take steps that you worry will have a bad effect on your children but honestly, at the ages of 3 and 5 they are hugely adaptable and can move on very quickly. I had a great health visitor and when I was agonising over what the kids might think, she said, 'You're the adult, you're the one in possession of all the information, so you must make the decision.' That really helped me. I told myself that I didn't want the kids to grow up thinking the kind of relationship I had with their Dad was the blueprint, especially as it was getting increasingly antagonistic and they were sometimes caught in the crossfire.

I moved to a really crummy house (and later did it up). All the things I thought were hideous, my 5-year-old DS thought were great (e.g. bead curtain in kitchen doorway!). At that age, the smallest things are an adventure, so you can sell a move to them as something positive - yes, you'll miss your Dad and where we live now but you'll be nearer friends/school whatever and you'll have two homes instead of one. Mine fell for it, thank goodness, but if they'd been older it would have been much harder. Very small children don't really question big events - things just happen and if you can treat it as normal, then they will too.

topazmcgonagall Tue 14-Jun-11 21:34:29

If the council can house you they will try and do so in an area that's near your dds' school, so you might not have to move too far. That would be best for your dds that way so that visits to their dad are easier.
You should speak to the housing advice team at your local district council. I think you will be classified as unintentionally homeless as your current home is tied to your husband's job. As the marriage has broken down you can no longer stay there. Given your local connections, the fact that you have a school age child, that you work in the area, and your health concerns I think you will be classified as priority need.
You can also try your local Citizens' Advice Bureau - they will be familiar with local housing.

Good luck!

smile

dadof2littlebuggers Tue 14-Jun-11 21:42:22

it may be the most difficult thing you ever do ( after giving birth) but after that maybe you could do anything
leaving a partner you dont love is terribly difficult i stayed with a partner i diddnt love for over a year until i finaly got out , it just seemed easier to live from day to day and avoid the issue , i sympathyse, good luck.

coproxamol Tue 14-Jun-11 21:55:21

OP, I have to say that in my 1st marriage, my DH was emotionally and verbally abusuve, with arguments all day long.
In my 2nd marriage my DH was(is) completely indifferent to my and DCs feelings.
The latter situation is a much sadder place to be in. To be married to someone who can't even be bothered to argue with you is awful.

JockTamsonsBairns Tue 14-Jun-11 22:00:42

Oh OP, this is awful for you. Life in the farming world can be brutal, and I believe it's actually worse for those married into it than the farmers themselves. It's dreadful that you're having to deal with health issues alongside your unhappiness - I'm not surprised you've had enough.

I was similarly stuck in a miserable marriage years ago and, much as Robf makes a flippant comment about slipping out the back, it actually makes sense to me. You say your friends and family are aware of your situation - work out what practical help you need, and ask for it. As well as the council, contact housing associations and get your name on the waiting list - I think you may find that you are given priority. Get online and work out what you might be entitled to financially - from maintenance, tax credits etc (entitled to.com).

I left my ex-h 11years ago, and I've never looked back. I had absolutely nothing at first, as I left in a hurry, and therefore had to build up my new rented home again from scratch. But, to be honest, that was nothing compared to the relief and sense of freedom I felt at getting out of the misery. Even after all this time, I still get a rush of relief when I think back to how I could still be trapped in that situation now if I hadn't mustered the strength to leave.

I really wish you well x

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