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im scared and dont know if i am being unreasonable??

(27 Posts)
AliceInWonderBra Mon 13-Jun-11 21:17:16

im pregnant and im so scared to the point im not sleeping with worry.

i have a DS who has just turned four (in may) and a DD who turned 1 in april.

i havent told DP yet but i know he will be over the moon. i am more scared of telling my family. although they are very supportive, me and DP are struggling a bit finacially. there is only my DPs minimum paid wage coming in and £550 per month goes on rent let alone food gas electric, etc etc (we have no debts tho)

im scared my family will say something that although not intended as nasty, will upset our news. they'd only be thinking of our best intrests. also my brother and his wife are desperatly TTC i wouldnt want to upset them. in my families opinion another mouth to feed is stupid, and irresponsible.

loads of people inc family have said since DD was born "ooooh a boy and a girl how lovely, no need for anymore now then!" which has always hurt me although i never let on.

i feel so scared and its making me question whether i am right having another baby or whether i am even ready if i feel like this?

am i being un-reasonable to think of my options regarding a termination?? i need to be sure before telling DP as a Termination will not be up for discussion with him.

sorry if this is in wrong place, and sorry for spelling errors xx

lindy100 Mon 13-Jun-11 21:19:36

Are you only considering a termination because you are worried about your parents' reaction?

Can't you tell them in a 'I know it's unexpected but we're really happy' way, getting this in before they have a chance to make any comment?

FabbyChic Mon 13-Jun-11 21:21:44

When you have a low income you can get help via Housing Benefit, are you sure you are claiming all the benefits you are entitled to?

A new baby really costs nothing at all in the first year, after they are a year old you would get child tax credits.

Terminating a child that you clearly want will cause you psychological damage that may last you a lifetime.

AliceInWonderBra Mon 13-Jun-11 21:22:38

pretty much yes. to avoid the long talks on how im stupid for getting pregnant etc. i know it makes me sound selfish but i left home at 17 and hav never ask for their help, i dont want to be put in that position with having another baby. i know i look so bad and un caring but i feel so sick with worry im doubting what i really want sad

thanks for reply btw xx

AliceInWonderBra Mon 13-Jun-11 21:24:21

we get working tax credit? i would starve as i know all you mums would to for my children, but my family only see things as balck and white. altho meaning well they can often be hurtful too sad xx

AliceInWonderBra Mon 13-Jun-11 21:25:48

sorry also we not entitled to housing benefit as we have a 3 bedroom and with two children we could down size. which is stooooopid. sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 13-Jun-11 21:26:18

No advice from me, Alice, other than to say that if money is the only reason for you considering a termination and you really do want this baby, you''ll manage. It would be awful to give up your pregnancy if that's not what you really want to do. It doesn't matter about other family members TTC, this is your baby.

I wish you well and a peaceful decision for you.

TakeMeDrunkImHome Mon 13-Jun-11 21:26:48

Nobody can answer this for you or make the decision for you. You have the ability to make a choice HOWEVER I think you are panicking. If this pregnancy is what you want then fgs continue with it. If you don't, then don't but do NOT let what other people will think even factor in your decision! You don't look bad or uncaring but i reitterate, I think you are panicking.

lechatnoir Mon 13-Jun-11 21:29:09

You say your DH will be over the moon, but what about you? Forget everything else, is this what you want? If it is then you'll just need to take whatever anyone throws at you safe in the knowledge that it's the right decision for you & your family. In other words, stuff 'em!! Another baby honestly doesn't need to cost much at all - look out on freecycle for clothes, toys etc so child benefit should cover the basics.
Good luck whatever you decide.

gizzy1973 Mon 13-Jun-11 21:29:21

surely if you have a third baby then you would be entitled to housing benefit as you would need 3 bedrooms for 3 children?
I think you shoul think about yourself and what you want rather than what your family will or wont say

AliceInWonderBra Mon 13-Jun-11 21:30:05

thankyou i know the answer is keep the baby as i want to and so will DP i know its sounding silly for me to creat this thread, there's loads more important stuff going on in the world.

i dont want to be swayed into a descision because of money or family, i just dont feel very strong right now. so to face them head on is scaring me sad

i love mumsnet for all of your advice. dont know where i would be without you all smile

youarekidding Mon 13-Jun-11 21:30:35

I agree with fabby. Get yourself to the Job Centre plus and find out what support your entitled too.

And don't worry what others think - these things happen and you sound like the type of family who will support your DC's.

Congratulations btw.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 13-Jun-11 21:32:45

Nothing's more important to you than your baby at the moment, Alice. Anybody would understand that.

Do you have to tell your family straight away? Some women wait until the three month period to tell, that might buy you a little time to come to terms with it all and to find out what extra help might be available to you and your family?

Kiwimumm Mon 13-Jun-11 21:33:07

I have the same comments. "ohh one of each, how lucky, now you can stop"..
Dont worry tho, apparently 3 is the new 2! More and more people are having larger familes, and I was the oldest of 7 kids, single income family, we didnt have a whole lot but we had fun! Now we have each other! You'll just have to be super tight, and the good news is, you already have a bunch of pink clothes and a bunch of blue and all the baby gear, no need to buy much more!

As far as Termination, think about how you would feel all your married life keeping that secret. Also, when the babys due date comes and passes will you wish you were having a baby? Will you wonder what it would be like etc?

They say you dont regret the ones you have, just the ones you dont.

AliceInWonderBra Mon 13-Jun-11 21:33:19

thankyou all smile the job centre always no not entitled, do you think citizens advice would be able to help? stupid question i bet!!

surfandturf Mon 13-Jun-11 21:35:28

I would suggest that you think about wether YOU want this baby - forget everyone else's opinion as the only opinion that matters is yours! It sounds to me that you do want it and most people worry about finances when a new baby is on the way.

I wouldn't give your family a second thought in your decision - yes you might have to hear a few lectures (blah, blah, blah) but if you are truly happy with your decision , just let it go over your head and it will all blow over soon enough.

Do you really feel unable to speak to your DP about this? Wouldn't it help to discuss the practicalities of your finances together to put your mind at ease?

Good luck - I hope you work it out x

AliceInWonderBra Mon 13-Jun-11 21:37:36

right reading back your comments (gosh you all type so fast!) i think i am going to tell DP now face family head on TOGETHER!

thankyou all again for your kind support, i just needed some moral support which you all gave!!

i might be on later to tell you how it goes smile but prob will be tomoz.

thankyou so much again.


FabbyChic Mon 13-Jun-11 21:39:08

Apply for housing benefit.

ballstoit Mon 13-Jun-11 21:48:29

Alice, if your DH is on minimum wage you should get;
- Child Tax Credit (an amount for each child)
- Working Tax Credit
- Housing Benefit (which will be payed at the rate for the house you need IYSWIM, you would get 2 bedrooms worth of help now, and 3 when baby arrives)
- Council Tax Benefit

Have a look at which will tell you what you should be getting.

IMO the thing that is expensive in having children is childcare, if you are already a SAHM this won't make a difference. Otherwise, as you have a boy and a girl so no new toys and clothes should be necessary, if you're feeding 4 then 1 more mouth doesn't change food bill much and you can still fit 3 DC in most cars.

I expected my Mum to be cross when I discovered I was pregnant with DC3 as we were skint and marriage was breaking down. Because I was upset and not sure, she was more supportive than with the other 2 DC (and she was good with them anyway). DC3 is Grandma's 'little ray of sunshine', and she's always saying what a fantastic surprise she turned out to be. Thinking about how your parents may react is okay, but give them the opportunity to surprise you.

Congratulations by the way!

maristella Mon 13-Jun-11 21:57:21

Alice you will make this work smile

Try the tax credit calculator online for what you might be entitled to, but remember they will not account for baby number 3 until it is born.

When you tell your family start by saying that you have the most amazing news grin and if anyone tries to put a downer onto your situation call them a spoilsport wink

I also left home young and had a baby while young, and I do find that my parents have a lot more to say about my decisions than they would my brother, and I have found it a little controlling, even if it is well meaning.
If you repeat the mantra "I'm over the moon and more than capable" your confidence in yourself will start to radiate a little.

microserf Mon 13-Jun-11 21:59:59

you can make this work! take care of yourself, and tell your dh as soon as you can. in the end, you've got the girl and boy set of clothes, so apart from car seat, nappies and milk if you want to FF, your additional costs are going to be reasonably low.

youarekidding Mon 13-Jun-11 22:00:29

Came back and what I was going to say has been said ^^ - so I'll second it. grin

Use the online HB and tax credit calculators.

heleninahandcart Mon 13-Jun-11 22:06:35

Alice, a third will not make much difference for a good while. Please remember you will be a little wobbly anyway as your hormones start to kick in and it is perfectly natural to have a little panic even with a long planned pregnancy.

If you want this baby, you will manage. I hope it goes well this evening

AliceInWonderBra Tue 14-Jun-11 19:34:22

thankyou i checked well phoned HB and they are reviewing my claim and said i should be entitled to the rent towards a 2bed house but will have to do a top up payment myself! which is a MASSIVE help! also phoned tax credits and have done a claim and are able to backdate it by 3months too!!!

why didnt i know all this before!! :-O

also i am proud to say that DP is over-joyed with our news (i havent told him my feelings yet not to spoil our happy moment smile )

but to be honest i am on a bit of a high today actually, feel excited emotional lol all down to you mind!!

biiiig FANKOOOOOOOO!!!!!

xx xx xx

youarekidding Tue 14-Jun-11 21:25:51

smile Glad you getting the help your entitled too. Tax credits and HB are for everyone - they are means tested benefits so designed for people like yourselves who are supporting themselves but need a little top up.

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