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Not forgiving brother?

(62 Posts)
Dillydollydaydream Mon 13-Jun-11 14:02:56

Just wondered what other people's views are?

Last year my brother 24 stole 10k from my parents using their credit card to withdraw money from cash machines while they were out of the country on holiday.
He lived with hisGF and used the money to buy stuff for the house, a car, clothes, jewellery etc

Nobody found out until the credit card company rang my parents on their return from holiday sad

My mum was devastated but refused to report the incident to the police so she had to pay back the money herself by remortgaging her house. My dad was made redundant and she couldn't afford the mortgage repayments- no mortgage protection insurance etc.

We tried to help out money wise by giving what we could admittedly only £600 but with 3 kids and a mortgage myself it's all I could offer.

Anyway in the end they had to rent out their home to cover the mortgage and my parents moved in with my grandparents.
My mum hates it there and was really upset to be leaving the family home sad

Now fast-forward. Brother and the GF split up. He has no where to go so he's moved in with grandparents and parents. All apparently is forgiven.
He does not work. Has never held down a job longer than a few months!!

I've been made to feel a stingy bitch because I didn't remortgage MY house to offer them more money.
My parents refuse to come to my house for birthdays, Christmas etc because the brother isn't invited!
After all the upset ge caused my parents I don't want to know. BUT if my parents have forgiven him AIBU not to forgive him too?

Sn0wflake Mon 13-Jun-11 14:06:09

Just wow. That's not a small thing he did. Do you really want to be part of all that?

No YANBU

fgaaagh Mon 13-Jun-11 14:06:32

"I've been made to feel a stingy bitch because I didn't remortgage MY house to offer them more money put my family's own financial security at risk by throwing more good money after bad on my feckless brother's problems (which are in turn my parents' problems, through their own decisions). "

There - I fixed it for you!

YANBU.

Sn0wflake Mon 13-Jun-11 14:06:54

So they must have given him their pin number then?

mree Mon 13-Jun-11 14:07:35

YANBU, it's very unusual for me to hold a grudge against anyone, least of all family, but his actions have led to you being made to feel bad for refusing to risk your family's financial security and potentially their home, he's essentially robbed you of your inheritance, has cost you personally £600 (I know you say it's not much, but I understand what it means to give more than you can afford, this would be a HUGE amount for me to rake together), and he's making no effort to make amends or pay his debts. And you're worried that YOU'RE being unreasonable?!!

d0gFace Mon 13-Jun-11 14:07:55

I dont think you are being unreasonable. Maybe tell your parents how you feel and try to come to some sort of compromise?

meaniemo Mon 13-Jun-11 14:08:21

YANBU do not get dragged into this financial disaster.

WobblyHalo Mon 13-Jun-11 14:08:49

I really feel for you. I have a similar situation with my youngest sister. I know people are going to come on here and say it is not your business to be upset with him as he didn't do it to you, but I understand how you feel and would do the same.

At some point, someone has to stand up to people like your brother and I take my hat off to you.

My sister didn't invite me to her wedding this year (she ended up cancelling it, but that's not the point) and I have done a hell of a lot for her over the past year. My parents said they would still go. It never occured to me that my mum or dad should take sides.

Not too constructive, but just wanted to let you know that I know where you are coming from.

MrsTwinks Mon 13-Jun-11 14:09:02

my uncle did a similar thing to my gran, and while I would say UANBU at all not to forgive him, there is a difference between that, and accepting your parents have and letting him be a part of things like christmas. You need to respect that they have forgiven their son because they want him to be a part of their life and didnt want him in jail

That said, if it were me I would hold out that branch, but make it clear that I dont accept being made feel bad I didnt remortgage because while they may have done so to stop their kid going to jail, you didnt to stop your kids ending up without their home so they need to accept that.

Dillydollydaydream Mon 13-Jun-11 14:09:21

Fgaaagh that made me laugh smile
But yes it's correct!

Sn0wflake. They didnt give him the pin but the card and pin were in a drawer together. Yes a bit naughty! sad

SouthStar Mon 13-Jun-11 14:11:39

YANBU

If it was money they could afford then maybe I could see why they would forgive him as it wouldn't have effected their lives dramatically.
But for them to basically loose everything I don't think I could forgive him.

Maybe there is more to it than you know! They surely wouldn't have forgiven him if he showed no remorse. So maybe he has a good enough reason for why he did what he did. I cant see what that reason would be but it does seem strange for them just to let it go while everything they have worked for has gone.

SenoritaViva Mon 13-Jun-11 14:11:52

You are being treated unreasonably by your parents. They are condoning his behaviour, why? They don't sound like they make him responsible for his actions, why on earth isn't he working and trying to repay the debt?

I wouldn't let my brother in my house either if I couldn't trust him.

Dillydollydaydream Mon 13-Jun-11 14:14:43

He's the youngest and has always been 'spoilt' if I'm honest.
My mum used to think nothing of giving him £40 to buy a new computer game for no reason. I think as he's got older he hasnt learnt the value of money. Especially as he doesn't work like the rest of us sad

fgaaagh Mon 13-Jun-11 14:16:09

p.s. your parents aren't helping your DB, they are enabling him.

They need to step back for a moment and look at what they are facilitating here.

SenoritaViva Mon 13-Jun-11 14:17:31

How old is he???

You are right he is indeed spoilt, it appears they have spoilt (AKA ruined) him so much that he is no longer a decent person. Sorry, I know they are your parents but they sound fucking loony somewhat misguided.

Dillydollydaydream Mon 13-Jun-11 14:27:59

He's 24 so he was 23 when this all happened.
You'd think a 23 yr old would know right from wrong sad

TotallyLovely Mon 13-Jun-11 14:34:12

That's horrible! I agree that they are enabling him!

You shouldn't be made to feel bad that you didn't remortgage, who is saying that? You should set them straight as it might help you feel better.

I don't blame you for not forgiving him, I don't think I would either.

SenoritaViva Mon 13-Jun-11 14:34:56

You would. But your parents don't seem to have given him good guidance or morals mostly through not taking responsibility for his own actions.

Hammy02 Mon 13-Jun-11 14:37:13

If your parents wanted to remortgage their home that was up to them but you shouldn't be made to think you should do the same. Your brother should be working every hour God sends to repay them the money so that they can move back into their own homw. I don't know how your brother sleeps at night knowing what he has done to your parents.

Georgimama Mon 13-Jun-11 14:41:05

I think what your brother did does affect you, your previously financially secure parents are now struggling and requiring assistance from other members of the family (i.e you and your grandparents) because of his actions. I wouldn't forgive him either.

They have clearly indulged and spoiled him all his life and are reaping what they sow, unfortunately.

(as an aside why oh why do people write down pin numbers? so stupid)

TotallyLovely Mon 13-Jun-11 14:42:58

How could he have possibly excused what he did to your parents?!

Dillydollydaydream Mon 13-Jun-11 14:45:46

Totallylovely
I bought my house nearly 10 years ago. My parents know how much it cost then and also have an idea of it's current value so they've guessed I have so and so available cash that I could lend.
The thing is the house is not just in my name it's also in hubby's so he'd need to agree which he won't!!
He thinks the whole situation is ridiculous and hates how I'm treated.
They always say how 'lucky' I have it but me and DH both have jobs and work blooming hard for what we've got now. No luck involved what so ever angry

AgentZigzag Mon 13-Jun-11 14:47:43

Bloody hell, what has your brother got over your parents to lie, cheat and steal 10 grand from them and instead of forcing him to take responsibility for it, they give up their whole life for him?

I think I'd be more pissed off at your parents for letting him get away with it, they can't complain if he does it to them again.

YANBU to not want anything to do with the thief, and your parents are unreasonable trying to force the issue by emotionally blackmailing you and your family.

I'd leave them all to it.

ShoutyHamster Mon 13-Jun-11 14:49:27

Good God.

Your brother is a truly rotten one, by the sounds of it.

I'd say that I'm sorry for your parents, but their reaction to this and their truly disgraceful treatment of your since says to me that it's clear where he learned that it's ok to behave like a complete shit.

I'll save my sympathy for you instead and suggest that you work on distancing yourself from them all - maybe after a lay-it-on-the-line email explaining just why you won't be hanging around to be made guilty FOR ANYTHING in this situation. Like the comment above about them expecting you to put your own family's security at risk to facilitate yet more enabling of his shitty treatment of everyone.

Sad for them that they've failed him so badly, and sad for him that when they've gone, he's going to have a lot of basic life lessons to learn, rather fast.

AgentZigzag Mon 13-Jun-11 14:49:50

x-posts, please do not give any money to your parents or brother, they're all adults and have made their own choices, if you don't agree with it don't condone their behaviour by giving them any more cash.

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