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To not want dp to be friends with this woman

(50 Posts)
harshmallow Mon 13-Jun-11 14:02:23

Okay, I'd just like to point out that I don't think (hope!) that my partner has cheated, or been unfaithful before, but there is something about this female friend of his that rubs me up the wrong way. I need to know, is it just hormones (I'm 7 months pregnant, fat and sweaty) or should I put my (swollen) foot down?

About a year ago, my dp started hanging around with a bunch of people that I, quite frankly, think are a bit meh. We live in a smallish town and dp is quite a sociable person, so we inevitably ended up running into this crowd almost daily. We are in our late 20's and they are 2 or 3 years younger than us, but due to their conversation and interests, you'd think that they were in their first year of uni... I am certainly no fuddy duddy, but I'd up yawning at their talk of trance and drug taking and going home early.

Soon, I started to notice one girls name cropping up in conversations now and again, like X said this, or according to X. I decided that maybe I should make the effort to stick around at night. I like to make a point of befriending dp's female friends, and more often than not, we also become good friends. I found this one to be a bit unfriendly and very up herself (albeit pretty :/). Nevertheless, I pushed on and was always nice and chatty whenever I saw her, esp because I realized that this girl liked to bitch about other women. My reasoning was to never give her the chance to create a wedge between dp and me. Even so, whenever I was chatting to someone else when we were out, I'd see her summoning dp over to chat and gossip. I invited her over to dinner once, along with one or two other friends. I made a huge effort to cater to her vegan lifestyle, with 4 different dishes, and she was basically a massive rude cunt and started lecturing me on eating meat. I asked her where she got her lovely leather handbag from (hahahahaha).

Not that long afterward, I fell pregnant (it was semi-planned, though not meant to happen first try!) and she and my dp's best friend started seeing each other casually. Unfortunately, this guy's job then sent him abroad for 6 months. Not long after, I caught dp and this girl texting each other (her far more than him, but he wasn't complaining) and I know that after work they'd meet up (not alone, but still) to gossip and godknowswhatelse. Like I said, I haven't got a problem with him having female friends, but I was obviously not invited to "chat"... I confronted dp with this, and he swears that nothing has ever happened, and that she's just "like one of the guys". Pregnant and hormonal, I dropped the subject.

Then a good friend from another town was visiting his family, and him and X had an affair, while his girlfriend was ill at home. Lack morals from both parties, but still... Then I found out that she had been seeing another guy whose ex is a close friend of mine. They had been together for over 10 years, had a two month old baby, hit a rough patch and split temporarily (or so my friend thought). My friend was left with the baby and a full time job to pay for it, while her ex and this fey dreadlocked skinny bitch had an affair. Oh, and she is openly anti-children, so this guys paid no attention to his kid. Okay, I know this makes him just as much of a massive cunt, if not more, but either she's stupid or very selfish, no? How can you willingly want a man to spend time away from his child?

Anyways, by now I told dp that I didn't want him hanging round her anymore, as it was upsetting me and that my well being should be more important to him than his friendship with her. He said that that was understandable, and that he beginning to see that she is a bit of a pretentious prat anyways. Fare enough. A few days later though, I found him in a café with a bunch of friends, and her sitting next to him...he didn't act guilty though sad I do know that several days a week, afer work, he goes for a drink before coming home, and she's present.
A week ago, he hosted a huge dinner (he owns a restaurant) where she was also present, got massively drunk and didn't come home till 11 the next morning (although his mother saw him asleep in his car i the middle of town at 7.30). He was rather sheepish, and admitted that this crowd were not a good influence on him and that he's stop hanging around them...
Then last night he was acting itchy when he received several text messages. This morning, when he was in the shower, I read them (shame faced!) It was her inviting him out for a drink and that she needed to tell him something. angry
Okay, my question is: AIBU to put my foot firmly down and say enough is enough, no more friendship with this woman???? I feel that I have been patient enough!! How do I go about this? I do not want to be the big pregnant jealous partner, but this is making me quite unhappy.

MrsReasonable Mon 13-Jun-11 14:06:24

YABU to tell your adult partner who he is allowed to be friends with ("put my foot firmly down").

YANBU to let him know that this friendship makes you uncomfortable.

LordSucre Mon 13-Jun-11 14:11:05

just follow them and see for yourself?

dreamingbohemian Mon 13-Jun-11 14:19:42

It sounds like you don't like this whole circle of friends but are singling out this one woman in particular. Frankly, who she sleeps with is none of your business, and it's not her fault if your DP stays out all night drinking.

YANBU to be unhappy with some of the things going on but you would probably be better off asking DP to distance himself from the group in general, not just one person (how can he avoid one person in a social circle?) and addressing his behaviour, not his friendships.

create Mon 13-Jun-11 14:26:10

I think you have reason to be unhappy with lots of things in that senario, very few of which are her fault.

Does your DP see this "lifestyle" continuing after the baby arrives?

You can't forbid him from doing anything, but you should expect that he has more consideration for you and the way you're feeling

DoMeDon Mon 13-Jun-11 14:31:16

YANBU to feel uncomfortable - she does sound predatory - there are a few women like it. Having said that no matter how sly the woman your husband should be able to be trusted with her. I don't think he can be. He has put your wishes and his agreement with you to one side to have a textual relationship with her. he is acting like a child not a man with a child on the way.

anon121 Mon 13-Jun-11 14:33:00

This kind of reminds me of the whole Ross/Rachel and Emily was it? Where emily? said Ross could not see Rachel if he wanted to stay married to her. Well...was never going to work was it? You cant single out one person in a group that he cannot see.

WobblyHalo Mon 13-Jun-11 14:37:09

I know what you mean, and I see why you put her history in your op, kind of to give a clearer picture of what she is like. Who she sleeps with has nothing to do with you but the "pattern" does IYSWIM?

Your husband should really have more consideration with how this is making you feel. And no, it's not the group that is making you feel this way, it is this girl, so I see where you are coming from. I don't think YABU. Put that swollen foot firmly down!

NewShooz Mon 13-Jun-11 14:37:23

I don't think you can tell him not to be friends with her...or anyone for that matter...but I can see why you are unhappy about it.
You will probably find that things will change massively once the baby comes along, your DP will be too tired to go out socialising all the time, and hopefully want to spend every spare moment with your new edition not his mates. With a bit of luck you might find that their friendship fizzles out a bit then!!

TidyDancer Mon 13-Jun-11 14:40:59

It doesn't sound like this woman is the nicest ever, but you don't have the right to dictate who your DH can be friends with IMO. You have to trust him, and accept that he, as an adult, has the ability to choose his own friends.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 13-Jun-11 14:42:07

I would be wondering what she needed to tell him - I hope very much he hasn't cheated on you and got her pregnant.

You can't tell him who to be friends with, but you can be around more.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit Mon 13-Jun-11 14:45:00

I can see why you have a problem with this, sounds like your DP has a seperate life from you with this little group.

Also she does sound sly from the examples you give, is she very egotistical? There are lots of people like this I'm afraid who are very self-centred.

I KNOW you can't control who your partner sees, you don't own him etc etc. But you do have a right to a very strong opinion on a destructive friendship/group of friends. If a situation threatens your family then you have every right to express your feelings.
And your DP should be putting you first in all of this, you are carrying his child.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit Mon 13-Jun-11 14:50:38

Just to add, I have in the past seen new fathers being very easily led away from their families.

This is often down to being young, having a young group of friends who don't have adult responsiblities. Working in the hospitality trade is a huge factor, with the drinking culture making it easy to compartmentalise DW and DC.

I am not trying to worry you any further but I have seen this happen time and again with pub workers, hoteliers, restaurant owners.

MindyMacready Mon 13-Jun-11 14:53:04

Sorry, am I the only one with huge alarm bells ringing!

While you don't have any right to dictate to your partner who he sees, he does sound like he's not being respectful of your feelings.

TidyDancer Mon 13-Jun-11 14:58:36

That's a whole other issue though, Mindy. If he's not respectful of the OP's feelings, it won't be because of this woman. She may be a symptom of that, but she could be anyone, it's not specific to her, it's about him.

The OP will massively shoot herself in the foot if she focuses her argument on the friendship in question, she needs to discuss her relationship with her DH, not a friendship he has.

clam Mon 13-Jun-11 15:00:32

No, me too Mindy.
I wouldn't like this either. At All!

knittedbreast Mon 13-Jun-11 15:05:53

i would follow him along to this drink, or get a friend to and listen to what she has to say.

Lunabelly Mon 13-Jun-11 15:09:06

YANBU. They are being unreasonable. Although...7 months PG hormones are indeed all over the place...although...

Who am I kidding? That woman sounds like a grade A, class 1 cunt, who is NOT one of the sisterhood. I've had dealings with narcissistic little bitches like her. (If it wasn't for you mentioning dreads and veganism I would think it was my ex best friend angry )

Be cool. Be wonderwoman. And poo in her leather handbag.

LolaRennt Mon 13-Jun-11 15:17:07

Put the woman out of your mind for a second.

Dh is about to have a baby and is falling asleep drunk in cars over night.

He is being a twat. Tell him to sort it fast

DogsBestFriend Mon 13-Jun-11 15:17:38

So this woman is disliked because she is young, pretty, slim, because she's not pregnant, she doesn't like children and because her lifestyle, beliefs and her choice of partners doesn't meet with your approval harsh?

And so you want to tell your partner that he is no longer allowed to see/be friends with her?


If you have concerns about loyalty or fidelity you need to speak to your partner. Telling him he can't be friends with this woman or any other will make for rows at home, cause you both to be ridiculed socially and in all likelihood cause your demands to be totally ignored, certainly by the woman, possibly by your DP, just carried out behind your back with more caution than has so far been displayed.

dreamingbohemian Mon 13-Jun-11 15:20:59

Dogs brilliant summation, totally agree

DogsBestFriend Mon 13-Jun-11 15:21:16

Actually Luna this woman sounds like the 20-something me, size, beliefs and all until I read the bit about owning a leather handbag. Oh, and the dreadlocks. No locks here, now or in the past.

Cunt she (and I) may be in your opinion, obliged to follow this nonsensical idea of "the sisterhood" we ain't! wink

harshmallow Mon 13-Jun-11 15:29:45

Your posts have given me lots to think about. I've always kept my opinions to myself about my partner's friends, and most of them are also my friends. I really should have mentioned in my op that dp was in treatment for drug addiction when he was younger...for the past few years, he's turned his life around, is employed and plays a lot of sports, but is also a very sociable person. It never worried me too much when he has a few drinks or an occasional joint. A big part of our relationship was about me learning to trust him again, and him being able to set his own boundaries. With this latest group I know that they do quite a lot of cocaine and pills and while I can only hope that dp has not lapsed, it is not healthy for him to be around them. He finally admitted last week that they probably weren't the best of company. As individuals they are mainly quite friendly, and being younger they cannot really understand the seriousness of dp's old addictions. The only one who seems standoffish and that really wants to spend time with him without me is this one girl. I have never really been made to feel jealous before, and the hormones and my feeling insecure about my looks has prob not helped.
All that being said, you are all most probably right when you point out that the problem lies mainly with dp and his childish ways. In many senses he has been lovely, but his daily socializing is beginning to grate, esp when I'm not invited and am sat at home feeling unwanted. This is probably his last ditch at "freedom" so to speak. I certainly won't tolerate this behavior once the baby arrives, and can only hope that he wakes up and smells the breast milk :/

fuzzpigFriday Mon 13-Jun-11 15:35:52

God they all sound rather immature. It all seems so juvenile, like something I'd eavesdrop overhear from sixth formers on the back of the bus. hmm hard to believe he owns a restaurant, so must be fairly respectable and organised, and yet he is acting like a twat.

Certainly for you, when your lovely little baby is born, nothing else will matter. Hopefully it'll be the same for DH - do you think he will continue this bachelor lifestyle when you become parents? Do you actually spend much time together right now, alone? Or are you always competing for his attention sad

TidyDancer Mon 13-Jun-11 15:38:27

Being concerned about the drug taking is certainly not a small issue. You do need to have a conversation about that.

I do hope that your "won't tolerate" comment is not a roundabout way of saying he won't be allowed to choose his friends once your baby is born though, you are in murky waters if that's the case.

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