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Family being manipulative and toxic about dds Christening

(43 Posts)
electra Sun 12-Jun-11 21:47:37

More of a WWYD at this point.

My youngest dd has her Christening scheduled for next month. Back story goes like this.... I told my parents that as I have no spare cash and not enough room in my house for the reception to invite more than a few people, I would only be inviting close friends and godparents (and them) This amounts to ten people and their children. People who see dd every week and have a part in her life.

Oh no, they said. They wanted to invite their siblings as well (more than the number of people I wanted to invite so that the number would more than double) They said that they wanted to have the reception at a venue and that they were prepared to pay half of the cost.

I said ok (did not have much choice as they were very pushy about it) and they are now denying that they agreed to pay half and saying I am trying to find ways to "screw money out of" them.

I sm so angry and dont know how to regain control of this situation now. My dad will invite people on my behalf. What would you do_

Gastonladybird Sun 12-Jun-11 21:49:55

Can you cancel And revert to plan a. Your parents can invite who they like but if they are going back on agreement then there isn't space etc for the party they want.

CadleCrap Sun 12-Jun-11 21:53:35

You should have enough time to cancel the venue without losing yor deposit.

Go back to plan A but make sure family know who YOU have invited and make it clear no one else.

PamBeesly Sun 12-Jun-11 21:53:39

Electra that is horrible, what misers. I hope you can and will cancel and do it your way. Enjoy your DD's christening with those who care enough about her mum not to stress her out to the hilt. As for the people who were invited to the reception, just say there was a change of plan, no explanation necessary, unless of course you want to tell them why, and tell them they are very welcome to the church. You have to be strong, sometimes families are toxic and its important to acknowledge that

electra Sun 12-Jun-11 21:55:19

I dont agree my parents have the right to invite whoever they she is my child. If they were willing to have it in their house perhaps I would agree. I knew something like this would happen and now regret arranging it at all.

electra Sun 12-Jun-11 21:57:27

Thanks for replies. Perhaps I will change the date for later on in the year and not tell my parents when it will be til the last minute. My friends warned me that no help ever comes from them without control or strings attached. But sometimes they seem so genuine that I fall for it. Silly me.

LDNmummy Sun 12-Jun-11 22:03:15

Definitely cancel and do it your way, telling them at the last minute so no fuss can be made.

ENormaSnob Sun 12-Jun-11 22:12:26

Cancel and revert to plan a.

microserf Sun 12-Jun-11 22:19:44

i would cancel. what a miserable pair of gits. your original plan sounded lovely imo. often these things mean more when you don't have loads of hangers on there that you end up taking care of, instead of spending time with people that really matter.

JoniRules Sun 12-Jun-11 22:21:22

Oh no that sounds awful, how upsetting why would your parents behave like this?

PrincessJenga Sun 12-Jun-11 22:28:47


electra Tue 14-Jun-11 14:29:16

Thanks for replies. Sorry for the delay, I cannot easily get online at the moment. JoniRules, I have no idea why they do things like this but I have come to realise over the years that nothing they do is ever very reasonable and they refuse to take on board anything that I say or even consider it.

FetchezLaVache Tue 14-Jun-11 14:34:42

electra, that's awful and your parents sound controlling and a bit shit, really. I hope you manage to cancel the venue. I think your idea about changing the date and not telling them until the last minute is a very good way of taking back control from them.

FWIW I think if they want to extend the guest list of your DD's christening, it is absolutely fair enough that they pay the extra.

Inertia Tue 14-Jun-11 15:07:32

I'd cancel and rearrange, and quite possibly not invite them next time. Are they normally this controlling in your life?

Stropzilla Tue 14-Jun-11 15:13:31

Another vote for cancel and rearrange. My DD's christening was in with the church service so be careful they don't invite people anyway as you can't exactly stop people turning up at a church. Then you'll feel obliged to let them into your home unless you can be strong enough to say "I'm sorry, I'm very short on space and the after part was invite only and I don't believe I spoke to you"

electra Tue 14-Jun-11 18:35:23

My relationship with them is difficult and complicated (I lurk and occasionally post on the stately homes threads).

Fifis25StottieCakes Tue 14-Jun-11 18:39:29

Cancel it an revert to plan A. Thats terrible, they have totally hi-jacked the christening. If you dont think you can revert to plan a cancel it all together.

pineapple70 Tue 14-Jun-11 18:53:23

You poor thing! Just cancel, it doesn't sound as though you want a big do anyway.

Cymar Tue 14-Jun-11 19:51:48

Cancel or rearrange the date and don't tell them when it's happening. If you do tell them (even with a few days notice) they could still get on the phone and invite other relatives who may be able to come to the event at short notice.

electra Tue 14-Jun-11 20:56:19

Do you think I should try to have it with them not there? To be honest I was thinking of doing it while they were on holiday precisiely because of this kind of thing happening.

Gastonladybird Tue 14-Jun-11 20:57:28

Have it without them -either as originally planned or when away in same quiet way. It doesn't sound like they would be missed.

PamBeesly Tue 14-Jun-11 21:02:29

Electra she is your DD, you do it YOUR way, you are in control when and where and who goes, diplomacy got thrown out the window when your parents pissed all over the party. Do it when you feel the most in control

FakePlasticTrees Tue 14-Jun-11 21:04:26

Cancel. Or just cancel the 'do' (you should have enough time to do that) then tell them there's no 'do' unless they want to organise it, it's church service only, and of course they are welcome to invite whoever would be interested to the church. Then invite your close friends to 'pop back' to your house, or invite them over the night before and have no 'do' on the day.

clappyhands Tue 14-Jun-11 21:05:14

can you cancel without losing your deposit

hope the deposit wasn;t too much (ie losing it will not be as expensive as going through with it al)

agree with others - do it your way (even if that happens to be when they are on hols)

BelleEnd Tue 14-Jun-11 21:05:21

Do it when they're away. You'd be crazy not to. Huge hugs x

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