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not allow my BIL to drive my dc anywhere

(38 Posts)
ihateclowns Sun 12-Jun-11 20:59:38

has a conviction for drink driving (years ago), still drinks and drives, often. Came to stay with us at our holiday home during easter and one day took his family (3 dc and a family friend, aged 10) out with his wife. Came back very, very drunk. His 14 year old was also very drunk - literally legless.

My DH (his brother) completely agrees and says he has lost a great deal of respect for his brother. We have also decided that our children will not stay at their house as they are prolific chain smokers who smoke in their house, children present or not, my 5 year old says he hates the way they smell and wont eat their food.

It is their life and they can do whatever they wish but I am not exposing my children to that. I would not expose myself to it.

The problem is most of of my in-laws think I'm being unreasonable. Going as far as to suggest that I'm breaking the family apart by not allowing my children to stay with BIL and his family. This is not true. I want my children to grow up with their cousins, I have a open house policy where any of our loved ones can visit/stay whenever they want. No notice required if they are family. However, my instincts suggest that my dc will not be safe with BIL. I cannot ignore that.

Now, I know I can seem like a bit of a judgy cow to some people, but I am not. I don't really care what people do as long as it does not impact my dc or husband. I don't care what my ILs think of me but I do care that my dc's relationship with one side of the family is seriously suffering.

I don't know what to do about that. Any suggestions please or


catgirl1976 Sun 12-Jun-11 21:02:13

YANBU. Your children - your choice. If he drinks and drives often then I wouldnt travel with him let alone let my child

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sun 12-Jun-11 21:08:02

YANBU at all. Why should you put your children at risk? It is disgraceful that your BIL allows his 14 to get drunk and chances are that he allows other inappropriate behaviour which you as a good parent must not expose your children to. How awful that your il can't understand your issue. However, unless your BIL and family change then you will have to get used to your dcs having a distant relationship. Could you invite the BIL kids to stay at yours only?

Goblinchild Sun 12-Jun-11 21:09:50

I've never let my DC go in a car driven by my BIL, he's a lawyer with a top range vehicle and drives like a member of Wacky Races.
Be polite, smile and say no. You can find other ways of managing to maintain a relationship with them, but perhaps a bit of distance is better.
Do you want your DS paralytic in a decade's time? Or spread over the motorway next time he gets a lift?
If not, draw on your protective rage and be strong for him. If you piss off a few adults, that's what has to happen.

MissVerinder Sun 12-Jun-11 21:11:40

YADNBU. Whatever anyone says, they're your children. You care for them as you see fit, and that's it. There is no way on God's green earth that I could leave them with him, thinking all the time that something might happen. You do right. If PIL can't see that, well tough.

JoniRules Sun 12-Jun-11 21:12:22

YANBU at all. You should trust your instincts and I also in your position do exactly as you are doing. Stick to your guns you're doing the right thing as a mother to your children.

SuePurblybilt Sun 12-Jun-11 21:13:11

Are you kidding? Least U AIBU ever, I think.

bluebobbin Sun 12-Jun-11 21:14:48

Fucking hell! Your ILs think drink driving is OK?

ihateclowns Sun 12-Jun-11 21:16:41

thanks Cat and Cook.

Cook, I have invited my niece and nephews to stay but so far they have not taken me up on the offer, except when the whole family holiday with us at our house abroad. I know I rub his wife up the wrong way as she has commented on my being a 'goodie to shoes' 'boring' etc (but that's a whole other thread). It is a shame as I know that my BIL does love our children.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 12-Jun-11 21:19:09

The safety of your dc is paramount. End of.

So what if it pisses off other family members and means that your dc doesn't get to see them so often - far easier to live with that than live with the potential and wholly preventable consequences of allowing your BIL to drive your dc anywhere.

ihateclowns Sun 12-Jun-11 21:19:29

I type slow. Thanks to you all.

Ok, so it seems you agree with me. It is hard though as I take the brunt of it, my DH works aways most of the time so I have to 'deal' with his family all the time. I am a little worn out by it all. I hate confrontation.

SuePurblybilt Sun 12-Jun-11 21:21:39

In fact I'd be mighty tempted to make a phone call to the Police next time I saw him drive in that state. Fecking hate drink drivers.

ihateclowns Sun 12-Jun-11 21:23:29

bluebobbin . It seems so. When MIL told me about the conviction, she told the story with humour and affection. I was bewildered. When I told her about drinking and driving her grandchildren during easter, she made some non-commital noise.

microserf Sun 12-Jun-11 21:25:39

I would never, never leave my DC with anyone who might drink and drive. YANBU at all, and your ILs sound like a right bunch of losers they are misguided on this point.

DontGoCurly Sun 12-Jun-11 21:26:03

You're perfectly right, I can't believe they let their 14 year old get painlessly drunk too. They sound totally irresponsible.

ihateclowns Sun 12-Jun-11 21:26:26

SuePurblybilt yes, it has crossed my mind. I do think that BIL (and his wife) have issues with alcohol but I am not qualified to help them, I would not know where to start.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou Sun 12-Jun-11 21:26:31

why havent you reported him to the police when he drives drunk?

DontGoCurly Sun 12-Jun-11 21:27:52

Leglessly not painlessly, feckin autocorrect.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 12-Jun-11 21:29:37

i would shop them. i have seen first hand the damage that drink drivers do. i would let the local police know via an anonymous call.

seriously. the damage people like your BIL do to others is barely describable on here, but i have been involved in road traffic collisions involving drunk motorists both professionally and personally. two good friends were killed by a drink driver. Drunk drivers never think its going to happen to them, they can always handle their drink. until they crash into someone. fuckwits. absolute fuckwits and they deserver the book throwing at them.

there is no way i would allow anyone dear to me into a car with a drunk and i would have no hesitation what so ever in phoning and shopping them. all the police will need is the car registration and the make/model....the bobbies will look out for it after that. stop them from killing someone.

how can anyone know someone does this and do nothing?

ihateclowns Sun 12-Jun-11 21:31:00

ooohyou - I honestly do not know. I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand unless it directly involves my dc or DH.
DontGoCurly - yes and he is a great boy, it is a shame.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou Sun 12-Jun-11 21:32:22

oh well, i expect when we see on the news another family has been wiped out by a drunk driver, you will just have to hope it isnt yours this time

Tiredmumno1 Sun 12-Jun-11 21:32:49

Yanbu i wouldnt allow it

ihateclowns Sun 12-Jun-11 21:33:34

Vicar - I hear you, and have no excuses. I'm sorry about your friends.

EldritchCleavage Sun 12-Jun-11 21:33:54

I feel your pain. At a similar family meet-up abroad I was perturbed to find DH's cousins drinking heavily and allowing their young teenage children to get very, very drunk too. Everyone (except me, DH and the children's grandmother) found it really funny. The Spanish families around us were clearly horrified.

Apart from anything else the children will get the deeply ingrained idea that having fun, even as a family, means necking alcohol. That concept at a young age doesn't make later drink problems inevitable but it must make them a lot more likely.

ballstoit Sun 12-Jun-11 21:35:31

For 2 years while I was suffering with anxiety, none of my DC travelled in a vehicle driven by anyone but me. They didn't stay at anyone else's house without me. They have a very close relationship with all my family, as my family respect my decisions (even though they thought, correctly, that I was being ridiculously over protective).

Your DC, yours and DH's choice. Just keep repeating 'I am making the decision because I beleive it's for the best'. You don't have to explain yourself, and if you have and they still don't understand, they are the ones with the issues.

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