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Am I being stupid to think dp is being faithful

(71 Posts)
lessismore Sun 12-Jun-11 16:38:34

me and dp have 2 children and we have been together 6 years lately he's been spending more and more time on the pc he said he's on gaming sites when I looked today as he didn't come to bed til 4 he's joined an adult dating site and is talking alot on msn he's become protective of his phone too I can't see him being unfaithful as he's always at home can someone be unfaithful using msn. Im so scared right now is he planning on leaving me I really though we was happy now this. Please what shall I do

Truffleshuffler Sun 12-Jun-11 16:45:05

If he's joined an adult dating site it sounds like he's up to no good.

HerHissyness Sun 12-Jun-11 16:45:57

Love, don't be scared of him leaving. That is the first mistake we make, and allows all sorts of cruel, tortuous stuff to be hurled at us, and we take it, cos we don't want to be left.

You know what?

I think it'd be better being alone than being with someone who didn't respect me enough not to join an adult dating site full stop. Whether or not he's actually hooking up.

The sooner cheats or wannabe cheats realise that we will not tolerate nobbery, and they get binned every single time, the sooner perhaps a few more of them might start to think about their actions and keep it in their trousers.

He ought to be bloody scared of you throwing him out, not you scared of him leaving, from where I sit, I can't see much reason to keep a P like him under my roof. If he's chatting, he better start packing grin

Be brave, it's your bloody right to be. How dare he!

worraliberty Sun 12-Jun-11 16:46:48

Errr why would he join a dating site? confused

pumpernickel10 Sun 12-Jun-11 16:48:31

So sorry less but it doesn't sound too innocent to me. If he's not coming to bed til all hours I too would be pissed. The dating site is just awful, have you been having problems or is this a bolt out of the blue?

lessismore Sun 12-Jun-11 16:51:25

we have had no probs so it's a surprise I feel sick to the stomach

lessismore Sun 12-Jun-11 16:53:19

i have not said anything to him yet but he knows sometgink is up

TheSecondComing Sun 12-Jun-11 16:58:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thursday Sun 12-Jun-11 16:58:52

he's probably shitting himself. i wonder if it's this or there's something else he feels guilty about too.

i'd say joining adult dating sites is on the cheating spectrum. add to that the late nights and the clingy phone behaviour and it's not a pretty picture. sorry, agree with PP, don't be afraid of him leaving.

passivelyaggresive Sun 12-Jun-11 17:02:58

OK (just let me put my hard hat and flameproof suit on) i talk to men online, i flirt with men on line, i have a long term friendship wih a man online and we flirt. My DP knows about this and is ok with it, although he is a bit hmm. I adore my DP, i would never be unfaithful but sometimes i do enjoy a bit of escapism and that, for me, is all it is. I would not however be joining a dating site as this would imply meeting up. I have in the past however joined chat rooms that might lead to that, just to talk to men, and no other reason.

Im not justifying his actions because if i am totally honest with myself, im not sure my actions are entirely justifiable and i do feel guilty. We have a lot of stress in our lives and for me its a bit of light relief, although my friendship with my "friend" is very close and he has seen me through some difficult times - my DP knows about him, ive never hidden him from DP, but he might be less than happy if he saw some of our more flirtatious chats, but really, that is all it is - this man is 25 years my senior and like me, happily married.

All im saying is - talk to your DH, make it clear you are not happy and make it clear you want it to stop as its makes you unhappy. I have often said to my DP that i would stop talking to X if he wants me to, but he knows i get support from him and accepts it. Happy? err, probably not, but I am lucky that he trusts me and wants me to be happy and knows i need this person in my life just now.

pumpernickel10 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:03:56

Would you really want to be with a man like that more I wouldn't.
He's jeopardised this relationship, not you. I'd have it out with him you can't keep all this bottled up or it will make you ill.

twoistwiceasfun Sun 12-Jun-11 17:04:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thursday Sun 12-Jun-11 17:05:03

<vomits in mouth a bit>

pumpernickel10 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:05:06

But passive yours may be innocent but he's joined a dating site, that's not innocent to me.

TheSecondComing Sun 12-Jun-11 17:05:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumpernickel10 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:06:03

Don't throw up on me Thursday not feeling great myself sad

pumpernickel10 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:07:20

I agree second flirting with strange men is not cool if your attached. I'd string my DH up if he did.

passivelyaggresive Sun 12-Jun-11 17:09:28

probably TheSecondComing, but i have gotten a lot of support when i have needed it and DP has been unable to give it. Im just trying to illustrate that actually, just because he is talking to people online it doesnt necc mean he is being unfaithful

pumpernickel10 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:12:09

But passive would you be cool about it if your DP did the same?
My DH can't always support me doesn't mean I chat up strange men online to seek support

thursday Sun 12-Jun-11 17:12:22

having male friends you flirt with a bit is one thing, seeking out strange men to give you attention and an ego boost presumably? when you know your partner doesn't like it is pretty disrespectful isn't it? emasculating perhaps. i'd be gutted if my husband needed the attention of some other woman to get through life and the fact it upset me wasn't enough to stop. and i'm very far from jealous or possessive btw.

pumpernickel10 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:13:13

But he joined a dating site or is that norm for you too passive

TransatlanticCityGirl Sun 12-Jun-11 17:13:49

I think that what motivates people to cheat is a lot more complex than people make it sound. Have you thought about seeing a couples counselor? It sounds to me like he's possibly playing with the idea of being unfaithful but perhaps not actually gone through with anything yet. Therefore seems like an ideal time to deal with the problem rather than wait until it all explodes.

buzzsore Sun 12-Jun-11 17:14:56

It depends on your comfort levels, doesn't it? I think some people would see what passive is doing as an 'emotional affair'. if her dh is ok with it, fair enough.

OP, I don't think I'd be at all happy with my bloke going on dating sites, and while he may not be being physically unfaithful, it could lead to it.

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 12-Jun-11 17:15:13

How do you know he's using a dating site? Are you certain he is?

And, of course, the thing to do is just ask him and find out why he's doing this (if he is). You don't have all the information at the moment so you're second guessing which could be much worse for you than whatever the reality turns out to be.

lessismore Sun 12-Jun-11 17:20:10

sorry there was lots of entries for a certain adult site in his history on the pc

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