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to be hacked off with the school about this.

(38 Posts)
soonerthanyesterday Sat 11-Jun-11 08:43:38

Sorry for any typos, am on my phone.
Since starting school in Jan dd seems to be having a few friendship problems. I was accosted by a mum in a playground once and went to see the teacher who told me it was a non issue and the problem seems to have resolved and the girls are playing fine. Then there was another incident where two girls came up to her on the way to school and started telling her she was annoying and talked too much and was bossy. Dd was very upset, so I went to see the teacher, because the mum of one of these girls told me her child had a problem with mine and she had been to see the teacher about it. Not so much of a problem that this girl didn't want to come over to play, or stopped asking for dd to play though it seems... Even if what was reported to the teacher was that she didn't want to go to school because of it.
Teacher informed me one of those girls had slapped mine round the face in class time. The girl had been tidying up, because it was tidy up time.. and mine had gone over and picked up what she had been picking up... So she slapped my dd. Teacher said my dd should have asked so it was her fault. She said she was going to get her observed.
I heard nothing for weeks. I help out in the class with reading etc once a week and as I hadn't heard anything asked the teaching assistant who said she knew it had happened. It onky lasted about 10 mins and she thinks the whole thing has been blown out of proportion by parents and that my child plays fine and isnt a problem.
Dd also does several out of school activities and goes to a childminder and noone has ever said anything like this about her. We went on holiday recently and she had made friends with a mixture of children within an hour of arriving.
Got home from school to find a letter in the bookbag saying a place has been allocated to dd at the lunchtine nurture club so she can work on her interpersonal skills and lunch is the same but they sit seperated from their class.
I am fuming.
I feel the teacher should have spoken to me and I'd like to know quite why she needs a place in this club when children slapping her and calling her names don't.
And what do I do

rainbowinthesky Sat 11-Jun-11 08:48:04

err, how about talk to the teacher and ask?

LindyHemming Sat 11-Jun-11 08:49:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming Sat 11-Jun-11 08:51:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowinthesky Sat 11-Jun-11 08:54:12

I'm just not sure what advice she can get from her when noone knows anything about the situation or what has happened, even the op. The only way she can move forward is by speaking to teh teacher to find out more information. 1000 posts on here isn't going to give her that detail.

camilla2010 Sat 11-Jun-11 08:55:36

The problem with all these types of issues is that you will see things from your dd point of view and the other mother will see things from her dd view point. The obvious answer is probably both at fault as these things go round and round. I would not take it personally. Let the school do as they see fit as they are neutral really and don't be one of the mums who think it's never my dc it is always the other one. It is rarely one child or the other and does seem to resolve itself quicker if mums butt out a bit. (had similar situation myself and the other mums response always annoyed me more than her dd behaviour - the girls in the meantime move on)

CrispsAndChoc Sat 11-Jun-11 08:56:56

YANBU. Why should your child have to ask to pick something up during tidy up time? Isn't that the point? If you do not want your child to attend this lunchtime club then the school should respect that. I would book an appointment to speak to the teacher again and if nothing improves book an appointment to speak to someone higher up. I wouldn't bother trying to find out anything when you're at the school to help because if the school gets wind of it they could label you as a problem parent (not that I'm saying you are!)

soonerthanyesterday Sat 11-Jun-11 08:57:21

I don't know if I should speak to the ht or just the t

eacher. Im cross at the teacher... I Was only in the classroom Tuesday.. or she could have sent a note asking to see me.

I only spoke to the ta Tuesday too.

One, I think its ridiculous they think she needs this group. She is no better or worse than tge others in her class and I know because I help out.
And I'm worried she's now got some label that's going to follow her through school
And Im pissed off with the lack of communication

IndigoBell Sat 11-Jun-11 08:58:33

You don't know the other girls aren't in a nurture group, or even something similar. They might do her this term and them next term......

The nurture club might be brilliant for her and help her no end.....

Don't be furious. But you can talk to the teacher and find out more about this nurture group and how it's going to help your DD......

IndigoBell Sat 11-Jun-11 08:59:47

She won't get a label.......

They have communicated it with you. They've told you before she starts. Really, this is much better than a lot of schools do.

Probably what happened is because you spoke to the teacher on Tues, she had more or a thought about it, and thought this would help......

rnbsmum Sat 11-Jun-11 09:03:10

I can understand your annoyance soonerthanyesterday and your dd's friends mother seems a bit precious, but perhaps they had given your daughter some time in the nurture provision in part as you have voiced concern over her situation and they are trying to be supportive regarding your concerns. Would be a good idea to talk through what they are planning to focus on with DD and why she is being offered it rather than her "freinds". Nurture support is not a punishment (though I am never sure that lunchtime sends out the right message).

seeker Sat 11-Jun-11 09:05:04

Are you sure all three girls aren't in the nurture group?

I don;t understand all this fuming and raging anyway, - what's so wrong with being in a nurture group? I've never met a child who didn't love going and who didn;t benefit from it. There's no stigma or label attached, honestly.

littleducks Sat 11-Jun-11 09:12:36

I can't understand why it was your dd's fault that somebody slapped her....I would have expected the other child to have been punished (depending on age possibly quite harshly) for that

fuzzpigFriday Sat 11-Jun-11 09:14:58

The teacher said it was your DD's fault for provoking the other girl to slap her? I'd be livid. How ridiculous, a school age child should not be slapping.

I hope the other girl got in trouble and will also be getting observed? Seeing as she's the one who hurt another child?

onceamai Sat 11-Jun-11 09:18:35

I'd write a short and measured letter setting out things as I understand them. I'd address it to the head and say I hope she will be able to ensure clarity about the situation because you want to move forward positively and in partnership with the school and would welcome some professional advice about to handle something that has upset you and dd. The HT can then get the relevant facts from the teacher and you can all sit down and sort it out so that there is the best possible outcome for your dd.

coccyx Sat 11-Jun-11 09:21:00

I would be pissed off about my daughter being slapped, never mind a nuture group. If you are not happy with way her teacher is dealing with it then I would go to the headteacher.

soonerthanyesterday Sat 11-Jun-11 09:21:08

She said it was her fault for not asking and the other child didn't like it. The child was punished though.

I'm not at all happy with the idea she will be segreated from the rest of her class as part of this group. As I see it they all behave mostly the same and its run of the mill playground stuff.

The other child did not get obseved. The other child has settling in issues and cries and has to be taken off seperatley in the mornings and her mum has to stay a while most mornings

activate Sat 11-Jun-11 09:24:44

1. A school aged child (I'm assuming primary but may well be secondary as this continues to happen) should never raise a hand to another child, we don't even allow playfighting as it can be misinterpreted - there should be serious consequences

2. It is extremely possible your child was at fault - it sounds like she was taking over, being bossy and interfering where she had not been asked to (it does not sound like a mutual free-for-all tidy up time but a time of the day where responsibilities are handed out) - this does not mean she deserved to be slapped (see 1) but does mean that there may be a social difficulty here

3. The school should have spoken to you about their concenrs rather than just put an action plan in place - the action plan should be discussed and then formalised in writing, not just communicated in writing

4. It takes a lot for a school to put an action plan in place, so as neutral participants in your child's education (ie they take no sides) they view and evaluate behaviour problems - I would take from this that your child needs support as she is having social difficulties and would be pleased that the school are actioning intervention at an early stage

as an aside I work with teenagers who have not had any intervention early enough to help them develop into succesful people - it is draining, saddening and maddening and almost hopeless (almost not completely otherwise I'd give up but that's another story) - you do not want your child to get to this stage ever - many of these children's SN are caused and not innate

5. There is a book called The Secret Rules of friendship (I think, can't remember entirely as been a long time as more primary aged) that would be worth you getting and reading through - parents often forget that rules for adult interaction are not the rules for child interaction - the book helps you understand, see the positive and work with your child to help them understand too

6. You really need to speak to them and not imagine what they are thinking - speak to the school

7. It is a positive sign that intervention is being put in place

8. do not worry yourself about other children and what is happening to them - it is your child that matters and only your child - other children are basically none of your business

hope that helps

meditrina Sat 11-Jun-11 09:26:24

I'd want to ask under what circumstances physical chastisement between pupils is tolerated - ie an explanation of how it was you DD's fault that she was hit?

I'd ask where this toleration is set out in the behaviour policy (clue, it won't be). And if the teacher isn't tackling a problem with children hitting each other in the classroom, then I'd refer that to HT - before a child hits back and someone gets hurt.

soonerthanyesterday Sat 11-Jun-11 09:51:26

Activate. I'm sorry, I just fail to see how my dd tidying up at tidy up time, and it was a generic time indicates a social difficulty. Wouldn't it more indicate a social difficulty on part of the child that lashed out?

And if she had social problems would they not be apparent in other areas of her life... Where they aren't? Shes not got sn either, she's in most of the top groups in her class. When we walk to school older children are shouting to call her over and walk with her. She's friendly with girls in the year up.... Noone of these things demonstrate a social difficukity

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sat 11-Jun-11 09:54:59

I think you should talk to the teacher this coming week. Please don't leave it for weeks on end as you seem to have done. This sort of thing needs chasing up by parents, whether right or wrong the onus has to be on you to be more proactive in getting it sorted. For various reasons your DD will not be their priority.

Chandon Sat 11-Jun-11 10:05:09

what activate said

soonerthanyesterday Sat 11-Jun-11 10:08:37

I've not left it weeks on end?
I've been in off my own bat. Several times. Not once has the teacher asked to see me. Not even after the face slapping incident.

NacMacFeegle Sat 11-Jun-11 10:13:23

DD was in a nurture group in Nursery, because she was bullied. (I was gobsmacked that bullying existed in Nursery, but we were in a very deprived area and the other kids were extremely streetwise - DD was not.) It helped her a lot, but in the end I did remove her from the school. She did have "social problems" in that context; in a different context she is doing fantastically well.

It makes sense to me - yes, tackle the bullies behaviour, but also, tackle the self-esteem/ other issues of the children who are the targets, to give them the tools to get through school.

Essentially, yes, talk to the teacher, but be prepared to go straight on to the head if you don't get good answers. You could ask to see the policy surrounding the nurture group, and the documentation of your DD's difficulties etc.

SoupDragon Sat 11-Jun-11 10:14:17

No, the other child should not have slapped your DD but, in muscling in on what the other girl (I was about to call her the slapper but thought better of it!) was doing was interfering and "bossy", to use what your DD was called. I would be telling my child that they can't just barge in and take over what another child is doing and that they need to ask if the other child needs/wants help. Taken at face value, it does sound like your DD needs help with that kind of interpersonal skill.

I do not quite see what purpose the "nurture club" serves if it segregates your DD from the class. This seems counter productive. WRT you not eing informed - you were and it could have been that they made the decision about the club on the day you got the letter, thus they couldn't have spoken to you earlier.

Bear in mind that your DD could behave very differently on the days you are not in the class.

How old are the children?

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