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to want to text ex and tell him what he's doing what a prat he is and what he's missing?

(32 Posts)
DogsBestFriend Sat 11-Jun-11 00:28:16

Long story short - DD2 is 14, her dad left when she was a babe in arms, a few weeks old. Has walked in and out of her life, an hour of his time here and there, gone for years, back again and gone again, lied about his job to avoid paying child support, same old story for so many lone parents, I know.

DD2 has been through hell as a bullied child and is now at a school catering specifically for bullied youngsters. I alone fought for and found this school. When ex DH asked about schooling during one of his once a month 1 hour visits (where he would talk about himself and to me, not to our DC) I bollocked him for leaving it all to me and leaving DD unsupported during months of fighting the LA, during which DD was without a school and this family was close to breaking point in desperation and exhaustion. He walked out in a huff, DD has been hurt and angry since. Made worse by ex recently giving elder DD £30 as a 16th birthday gift and saying that he'll take her and her friend for dinner to celebrate (when he didn't even send DD2 a card for her last birthday) and adding that he won't take DD2 with them to dinner or even see her because of her "attitude" towards him.

Tomorrow DD2 is singing solo at her school's charity fundraising event. This kid has been through hell and back, singing in front of strangers is such a brave move for her. Despite bitterness over being rejected by ex she surprised me by asking if she could call him this evening to ask him if he'd like to go and hear her sing. It's a 2 hour max event and very local.

He won't. He's too busy, won't change his plans (she asked, fair enough, the world doesn't revolve around her but she's a kid, he's her dad, of course she'll ask him to change them). Wouldn't tell her why he won't/can't go.

I've just heard her on the phone to a friend. The song she's singing is Because Of You

She told her friend, her voice faltering, "I'm singing this for my Dad, I'm singing this about my Dad. He won't come and hear me sing. He says he's too busy but he won't even tell me why he won't come and what's so important that he can't be there"

AIBU to want to text the bastard and tell him "She's singing 'Because Of You'... she's singing it for you and she's singing it about you. You're breaking her heart."

She was fighting back the tears. Tears over her father that with one exception she's always bottled up, though I've seen it in her eyes, she turns away to stop them breaking through and replaces them with anger.

I won't do it, but christ, surely I'm not being unreasonable to want to and to be in floods of tears myself for my daughter tonight.

I suppose I'm not looking for validation, I'm certainly not looking for an argument. I'm just trying to offload because there's no-one else I can confide in tonight. Thank you for 'listening'.

sunshineandbooks Sat 11-Jun-11 00:31:10


FWIW, you sound like a lovely mum and your DD will come through this because of you. Your bond will be all the more special because of it.

But still sad

BitOfFun Sat 11-Jun-11 00:32:01

That is heart-breaking. I'm so glad she's got you.

MollysChamber Sat 11-Jun-11 00:33:49

Her sadness is understandable and normal.

She'll be absolutely fine.

Try and get her to speak to you about her feelings.

DogsBestFriend Sat 11-Jun-11 00:36:28

Oh bless! Thank you, I don;t deserve compliments. I don't know about a lovely mum, I've made mistakes by the score, but it isn't me, is it? Am I being precious? Maybe, just maybe, the ex has valid reason for not being there but she's 14, a bright kid, she could understand and accept that. But to refuse to even give a reason even though I'm old fashioned and don't normally believe that the adult should be answerable to a child, in these circumstances?

That's not normal, surely, that's cruel.

fuzzpigFriday Sat 11-Jun-11 00:39:48

That is so sad sad

Well done to your brave DD though. Enjoy her singing.

winnybella Sat 11-Jun-11 00:40:22

He's a dickhead.

Poor DD sad

MollysChamber Sat 11-Jun-11 00:41:06

Cruel and selfish.

He may be her father but he's not being her parent.

sunshineandbooks Sat 11-Jun-11 00:42:21

I suspect it's because he simply hasn't bothered to think about it rather than any deliberate intention to hurt her. It is an affliction that seems to affect many absent parents. Doesn't make it any less wrong though.

This probably will make a long-lasting impression on your DD but that doesn't mean she will be damaged by it. From what you said in your opening post I think you and she will talk about it and work through it and she will come out stronger.

He's still a though.

malibustac Sat 11-Jun-11 00:42:26

Your dd sounds lovely and so do you. If ii were you I would record it or if the school are filming it get a copy. Give it to the ratbag and say this is what your missing! Hope your dd enjoys her performance he doesn't deserve to be there. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit ranty but I had the same thing with ex but woth ds's football matches. Their loss!

sunshineandbooks Sat 11-Jun-11 00:43:11

ooh - my blanked out expletive got deleted!

LDNmummy Sat 11-Jun-11 00:44:56

I would cut him out of her life full stop TBH. He sounds toxic and nasty and incredibly immature to behave that way to a teenage girl.

LunaticIsOnTheGrass Sat 11-Jun-11 00:46:26

It is very sad for her. sad Poor wee soul.

Her Dad is a selfish, self-absorbed cunt who is not worthy of such a child.

She'll be ok though smile

Because she has a loving, strong Mum who HAS got her best interests at heart & will get her through it.

skyatnight Sat 11-Jun-11 00:51:24

We have had similar experiences. They just don't get it, do they?

Girls need their Dads to make them feel good about who they are, to tell them they are pretty, clever, talented or whatever, special. The way a father treats his daughter comes to be how she expects all men to treat her.

Through selfishness these absent fathers cause more hurt and damage than they are capable of imagining. sad

DogsBestFriend Sat 11-Jun-11 00:51:38

sunshine, sadly I think that he has thought about it, very much. Over the years he's used hurting the DDs as a way of punishing me for leaving a violent marriage. This is not the first behaviour of this kind.

LDNmummy, I've got to the stage, after he walked out in a huff when I bollocked him forleaving me and the DDs to fight alone for a school for DD2, to tell him he was no longer welcome in my home. He can see the DDs whenever he wants to (doesn;t bother, the meal for DD1 has been cancelled 3 times due to "lack of funds") but he's not going to be invited in to rub my nose into the joys of his latest holiday, treat for his DPs children or new furniture. The DDs are old enough to make their own arrangements with him without my involvement.

That's what's pissed him off, so he's taking it out on DD2, an already vulnerable, emotionally destroyed child.

DogsBestFriend Sat 11-Jun-11 00:57:09

sky, I'm a cynic and certainly no psychologist or child-emotion-related qualified woman but I'm nonetheless sure you're right. I was brought up by a lone mum and haven't a fecking clue how "proper" families work, which probably explains two broken marriages and still now as a 40-something adult who has been divorced/seperated for nearly all DD2s life, no desire to become part of a nuclear family again because it's as alien to me as living with wolves.

Think I'd cope better with wolves, actually, as my user-name suggests!

worraliberty Sat 11-Jun-11 01:01:20

Is this the daughter who called him a cunt the other week? Apologies if not.

I know it's heartbreaking but perhaps he really does have something on that he cant break at such short notice?

Is it possible to video it and send it on to him? sad

scottishmummy Sat 11-Jun-11 01:04:16

disappointing -yes
given you say hes never emotionally available to her not unexpected

DontCallMePeanut Sat 11-Jun-11 01:05:57

Dogs, I know the song well, and to think that a 14 year old could relate to it is heartbreaking. I think this is the second time a thread on Mumsnet has moved me to tears.

Your DD is showing courage and maturity beyond her years. It's such a shame her father can't see that, and embrace it. Who these men think they are is beyond me.

Good luck to DD. I'm sure she'll be amazing. I don't have any words of advice re: the father, but please wish your daughter luck from me for tomorrow.

sunshineandbooks Sat 11-Jun-11 01:06:33

Oh Dogs! sad

I left an abusive relationship too so I get where you're coming from about the punishment angle. I didn't realise that was at play here.

I don't know what to say really, other than it's so, so wrong. It sucks and I feel for you and your DD.

On a more positive note, don't underestimate how positive an influence your undying love and support will be for your DD.


hammybobs Sat 11-Jun-11 01:07:21

DBF, I am slightly 'spooked' by your thread, because I've spent a large chunk of my day today doing exactly what you want to do, with my ex over our DD, and it's made no difference whatsoever. My DD is 6 and I anticipate the same kind of relationship for her with her dad, as your DD2 has had. I've tried everything I can think of to get him to just give a shit, and he simply won't because he's so consumed by his anger at, and hatred of, me. I've definitely hit a nerve today, and I feel justified in what I've said and done, but ultimately it makes no difference at all. I know I've tried, and tried, and for that reason alone, I'm glad I did it. But, you know and I know that even if you do tell him, he just won't do anything about it. If he's ignored all the turmoil and trauma that she's already been through, a school show isn't suddenly going to be the 'penny drop' moment for him.

A previous poster is right, you'll talk this through with your DD, and she'll get her head around it because she has you to help her process the hurt she feels because her dad is not the parent she deserves. You are the glue that will keep her together, of that I'm sure.

YANBU to want to text him. But I don't think it will make a jot of difference.

DogsBestFriend Sat 11-Jun-11 01:09:11

Yes it is. blush sad

Not proud of her for that but can understand it.

I do accept that he may have an unbreakable commitment (though can't think what, not work and at 7pm on a Saturday night probably social so surely any party/dinner/gathering host wuld understand a late apology under the circumstances?).

In a way I (childishly) think that he shouldn't have a video if indeed there will be one available, that he doesn't need to see it for his sake but to be there for hers if that makes sense?

For other readers, to my shame though understanding DD2 called him a cunt when he offered to take DD1 and pal for the birthday dinner and gave her money and a card when DD2 didn't get so much as a card for her own birthday a couple of months before (because he had the hump with me). This follows years of him rejecting both DDs and, when on the odd time he did bother, blatantly favouring DD1 in a way that was shocking and whichboth picked up on even when very small.

DogsBestFriend Sat 11-Jun-11 01:11:19

Sorry, my last post was to worra. Threads moving too fast for my brain and fingers!

worraliberty Sat 11-Jun-11 01:12:35

It makes perfect sense to me as a really does.

But perhaps as a daughter she might still want him to see her/hear her sing if you see what I mean.

Fuck it, you should be proud of her (I'm sure you are) and if he misses being there in person it's his loss...but please don't rule out the video so your daughter can at least know he saw her.

DogsBestFriend Sat 11-Jun-11 01:15:00

hammy, oh lovey I'm sorry. I feel for you. Our one consolation is that we tried and that we can look our daughters in the eye and say, "Darling, I gave it my best shot, I'm not at fault here and I love you."

Your daughter will know that too, I promise.

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