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to think DP should not be judging me for allowing ds2 to stay in my bed at 4 am?

(38 Posts)
allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:15:35

I just had a skype conversation with DP (he's abroad, we are in a long distance relationship at the moment) telling me it is 'wrong' that I let ds2 (aged 4) sleep in my bed.

I don't put him in it. He has his own bed but every night at 2-4 am he will come into mine and I have long since given up putting him back in his own because he cries piteously thus waking us all up and means I can't get back to sleep again when I need to be functioning at 6am.

Plus DP isn't even bloody there 75% of the time so there is loads of room for ds2 in the bed and it doesn't bother me.

The last time DP was here he totally blew up over it. Ds2 got in the bed with us and of course does the 'starfish' thing, kicks, snores in our ears etc. DP moved beds into his to get some sleep. DP didnt' even need to get up with them but woke in a rage moaning that he had only had 1 hour's sleep etc etc. We had a massive row about that.

Then in the skype conversation he goes on about how it is a 'sign of insecurity' that ds2 gets in my bed and I should take him back to his own bed every night and 'sing to him' etc until he goes to sleep in it.

OK fair enough in a perfect world. But I have a full time job, chronic depression and medication which makes me tired (for bipolar type II). Also a bloody exhausting long distance relationship with a fussy demanding sod doesnt' help.

And sorry why does ds2 waking up and getting in my bed translate to 'insecurity'? And anyway why shouldn't he seek some comfort? I have been separated from his father since he was 18 months old and I have only 50% custody so I miss him and his brother half the week. Why shouldn't he come and sleep in my bed now and then?

It seems stupid but I cried for an hour today over this criticism. It makes me feel that if DP can't understand that having a man who has never had a child lecture me on how to look after my kid is infuriating and patronising on top of all our other troubles, we will never see eye to eye or be able to live together permanently.

Sorry for the rant. And I would be genuinely interested to hear if anyone thinks it is really him and not me who is being unreasonable as sometimes in our relationship I start to wonder if I am really as bad as he makes me feel.

GeekCool Fri 10-Jun-11 16:18:07


allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:19:59

thanks geek. I do start to wonder sometimes.

valiumredhead Fri 10-Jun-11 16:21:51

YANBU. You have a lot on your plate so just do what you need to, to get through the day (and night) smile

Fimbo Fri 10-Jun-11 16:22:49

I can see both points of view tbh. My sil's 3 used to to the bed hopping thing in the middle of the night. We saw how knackered by sil/bil were by the whole thing and vowed when we had dc we wouldn't. My dc on the whole generally don't get up, so I can see why it would be tempting just to let them get in and get back to sleep. But I couldn't sleep with a small child wriggling around in bed, I need my space so can see your dp's point of view.

betterwhenthesunshines Fri 10-Jun-11 16:23:08

If he's 4, then he knows he's doing it and you could talk to him about it. Maybe it could be a special treat when it's just you in the house, but explain that 3 in a bed doesn't fit very well. Actually that might just make him resent it when your DP is home. You need to find some middle ground though. Is it 'every now and then' or every night?

betterwhenthesunshines Fri 10-Jun-11 16:24:36

BTW if my 6yr old DD wakes up at 5am on Sat I will happily let her know it's not time yet to get up and she will go back to bed. But DH lets her in bed for a cuddle as he hasn't seen so much ofher during the week. Drives me nuts.

allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:25:32

yeah Fimbo, I do see his point but fffs he didnt' even have to get up that morning (I did as I always do) and he left the bed anyway as soon as ds2 got in?!!

he accuses me of being lax with the boys a lot. I just feel that's totally unsupportive, especially when he has no idea what it is like to be a (part time) single parent- although to be fair to him he did get more real recently and actually start helping out with the housework when he was here and took ds1 to school.

ChocolateTeacup Fri 10-Jun-11 16:25:33

YANBU but it will get harder to encourage DS2 to stay in his bed the more you let him stay in yours, but I do know how hard it is <looks at DS1 aged 4 who is constantly in my bed>

I also take it that DS2 is not your DP's child which may account for how your DP may want you for himself so to speak when he is at home? So selfishly doesn't want a child in the bed as well

allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:28:39

i suppose it comes down to the fact taht we are just not getting on very well and I feel he doesn't have a bloody clue about parenting, full time work and what it takes out of someone. So although I love him I don't know if I can carry on with this sad

Fimbo Fri 10-Jun-11 16:29:29

Sorry but I think whether he had to get up or not is irrelevant. He is your partner and should be in your bed, not having to get up to make way for your son. I have slept with my ds before, incase you think I haven't and it was awful the worst nights sleep ever. I certainly couldn't have coped with it 3/4/5 nights on the trot.

allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:29:51

yes choc, the boys are not his and although he gets v attached to them when he is here, it's constant on/off as he lives in Europe and is rarely here. Plus 50% of the time they are not with me anyway sad

allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:31:10

who gets up is not irrelevant to me, I would do anything for one of his lie ins...I guess for me sleep is more important than where I actually sleep....

Fimbo Fri 10-Jun-11 16:36:18

How easily do you get back to sleep after your ds gets in, or do you just wake up in the morning and he is there? See I toss and turn for ages after I have been up in the night and I really can't do without sleep it makes me feel sick the next day.

allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:38:50

yeah I am more like you Fimbo. Especially if I wake right up, not just stirring a bit cos a small body gets in next to me. I have always found night time crying and tantrums the absolute worst.

GnomeDePlume Fri 10-Jun-11 16:39:40

All three of my DCs did this when they were small. When they started school it tailed off. DS took the longest but we simply said to him - 'you can come into our bed but that means you will be tired tomorrow so will not be able to play at a friend's house/have friend to play'. He soon grew out of it.

They are all now perfectly secure 11, 12 and 15 year olds!

pointydog Fri 10-Jun-11 16:39:46

I can understand his point of view. I'd be the same.

You both need to try to resolve it somehow. It won't do your relationship any good if you are both entrenched in your own opinions over this.

allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 16:45:24

interesting to hear people backing him up - cos atm I am seeing him as a patronising git- I suspect this is due to other issues and the general pall of stress I am under.

HE would never have to do the calming down in the night or the getting up in the morning- and I guess i have to accept this because he is not the dc's dad- but that doesn't make me any less exhausted and grumpy when I have to do everything and am then expected to spend 'quality time' with him in the evening.

It's just starting to seem a chore on top of everything, having a relationship, I know it's not his fault but maybe I'm not up to it atm.

Finallygotaroundtoit Fri 10-Jun-11 16:45:32

He's 4 and wants his mum in the night.

Normal, natural, nothing wrong with it.

He will grow out of it but now he needs to know that if he wants/needs to be comforted in the night,he will be. He won't need it for long, but he does now that's all that matters.

DP trying to stop it is ridiculous and dictatorial.

EricNorthmansMistress Fri 10-Jun-11 16:46:15

I'd understand his PoV a little if he was living with you full time and it was impacting on your relationship. However he's away 75% of the time and TBH it's down to you how you choose to parent DCs that aren't his and that he doesn't live with. Criticism is hurtful at the best of times but when you are working f/t with no partmer support and have MH issues to boot it's downright shit.

There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping if that's what you want to do. Your DS could easily be trained out of it but it's up to you.

WriterofDreams Fri 10-Jun-11 16:49:17

I don't think the sleeping thing is really the issue here. FWIW I don't blame you at all for letting your DS sleep with you - you don't have him for the whole week so obviously when you do have him you crave a bit of closeness with him. No doubt he'll remember cuddles with his mummy very fondly, and if you're ok with it then why not. Eventually he'll grow out of it.

The real issue is your DPs criticism and his lack of understanding for the fact that it upsets you. I don't think he has much right to be commenting on your parenting particularly as it impacts very little on his life. It would be fair enough if he sat you down and gently explained that having DS in the bed bothers him but getting annoyed, moaning and making you feel inadequate is really not on.

Are you questioning your relationship with him?

Omigawd Fri 10-Jun-11 16:55:41

IMO if you want to keep the relationship going smoothly, then your dp's place is in the bed when he's at home, not the ds. I'd say that's even more important if he's only there 25% of the time, and the kids aren't his. Selfish maybe, but understandable.

When dp isn't there its not his call.

HamburgerHelper Fri 10-Jun-11 16:59:53

I totally get you - I don't have this issue, but if you are working full time and are doing practically all of the parenting and are desparate for sleep just so you can do it all and he has no clue to how draining this is or is supportive to you, I can see your point.

You're the one who has to manage and since he's not contributing, then you should do what you need to do - like letting your four year old get into bed with you .

(And if you find it difficult to get back to sleep, try earplugs -- the wax ones -- they take getting used to but somehow if you can't hear them snuffling and tossing, getting back to sleep is a lot easier.)

Ormirian Fri 10-Jun-11 17:00:28

Well when your DP gets home tell him to settle a crying distressed DS by singing for bloody hourse at 4am in the morning. Twat! How can it be wrong if both you and DS are happy with it? Grrrr...

allegrageller Fri 10-Jun-11 17:13:58

that was my reaction exactly Orm. I just thought it was really out of order for DP, who knows all my issues and has seen me in tears of exhaustion in the evenings (plus crying when the kids have to go back to their dads cos I miss them), to expect me to basically do more work and kick my little boy out of my bed at night to make HIM feel comfortable when he's here. I want a partner not a guest I have to entertain. If that's a tall order maybe he should find himself a younger, less knackered childless woman.

Yes Writer, I'm definitely questioning my relationship with him...

There's always been an issue in the relationship with him feeling neglected and unappreciated etc. Fair enough we don't see eachother a lot but when he is here I still have a job and 2 kids who come before him frankly. But he expects full-on attention and sulks a lot if he doesn't get it. Recently he started doing a lot more housework and helping a lot more with the kids but then sulked because I didn't give him applause for it all. It's not looking good is it....

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