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Weed smoking husband

(19 Posts)
chocolatelover1234 Fri 10-Jun-11 14:23:57

AIBU to be fed up of DH weed habbit?

DH has been doing weed for 14 years now. He doesn't do it as heavy as he used to now (only due to my nagging). When we first go together 9 years ago it didn't concern me, we were both young, no responsibilities, completely carefree. Now 9 years, a marriage and 1 lovely DD later he still depends on it.

Yes he holds a job down and works very hard but His mood swings are unbearable. He's always been a bit down if he has an off day he goes off fishing has a bit of me time and feels better but lately nothing is helping he's so depressed and is shouting at me all the time he's constantly horrid and has started shouting at DD lots saying i've turned her against him which is ridiculous.

I'm convinced weed plays a major part in this I'm tearing my hair out i love him so much and want to help but i can't have him shouting at DD like that I grew up with an alcoholic Father and don't want the same for DD. He's always late from work, hardly ever home when he is he's always naggy and cross.
I've tried talking to him about it and he just says he doesn't drink so whats the difference. Well i never drink or smoke but so what i don't inject heroin as a substitute! I think it is addictive and causes paranoia etc i hate the stuff, he can't sleep without having a spliff!!

I already feel like a single parent. I have no one to confide in Please help me?!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-Jun-11 14:29:28

YANBU... but if you knew his habits when you got together, you're not in a strong position. Leopards and spots etc. All addictions rely on the addicted person to accept they need to stop. And that only usually happens when they hit a particularly low point. Your DH's life appears to be unaffected by his habit so far... and you're still with him despite him being so nasty... so to him it's obviously 'not a problem'. If something serious happened like he lost his job or you left him as a result of his behaviour, he'd probably have to reconsider. Not before.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-Jun-11 14:32:54

Try Al-Anon or Nar-Anon... organisations that help the families of alcoholics and other addicts.

SenoritaViva Fri 10-Jun-11 14:45:05

YANBU.

I was in the same situation as you, DH worked hard, own business etc. Yes I knew he smoked weed when I met him and did a bit too and it didn't matter at the time. But after children it just wasn't acceptable and he didn't see that. I felt he was never 'present' and would always bail out of social situations making me look like an idiot. I used to swear it was addictive and changed him, he said it didn't and he could give up any time.

In the end I left him because I just couldn't cope with it anymore. DH pulled himself together quit and we are back together and very happy, this was now over 2 years ago. I think he realises the difference only now and I realise that I was right because DH is lovely again.

I don't know how that story helps, but maybe he needs a wake up call. I know how you feel, it is horrible but worth pursuing if you can get him to quit.

If you need any support or have any questions you're welcome to PM me.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 10-Jun-11 14:47:51

YANBU - he needs to grow up. Regardless of what habits he had when you got together he is a father now and should act accordingly. Of course, having the odd joint here and there is no difference in my opinion than having the odd drink or two but when behavior is changed as a result and you become addicted then something needs to be done!

I dont know what to say OP - he will only give it up when/if he wants to so you just need to be aware that it prob wont happen and so what you gonna do about it?

chocolatelover1234 Fri 10-Jun-11 14:51:44

Thankyou Senoritata DH does that with social occasions and even when he does come he just sits looking miserable even for DD christening.

Yes i knew he was doing it when we got together but he was 19 i really didn't think he would still be doing it and it is affecting his life because i'm so unhappy which i've told him and DD says things like why is Daddy always cross it breaks my heart sad I just want the lovely young happy man i met 9 years ago back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-Jun-11 14:55:24

Then it's what they call 'tough love' that's needed. It's you and DD or the weed. It goes or he goes...... I was married to an alcoholic and the pattern was very similar. A 19 year-old that 'likes a drink' is nothing like a 30 year-old that glowers at you through the bottom of a whisky glass every night, calling you names. Unlike the poster above, even though he recovered, we never got back together. It's a chance you take but, if you do nothing, your life and your DD's life are going to stretch out miserably ahead of you, getting worse and worse.

chocolatelover1234 Fri 10-Jun-11 14:58:31

That's the only outcome i keep getting too and i think maybe he will change if we do that. But what if he doesn't and how do i explain our separation to our families i've always kept quiet about his addiction?

chocolatelover1234 Fri 10-Jun-11 15:02:06

It sounds a bit childish but i'm so scared of leaving him, he's all i've known for nearly 10 years

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 10-Jun-11 15:02:11

Family dont need to know the ins and outs Chocolate - if you do seperate just say that you have been drifting apart for a while and things just didnt work out.

Dont go telling them everything - what if you did seperate, told them everything and then ended getting back together. Very awkward!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 10-Jun-11 15:02:47

Of course you are scared of leaving him - he is habit!!!!! You would be OK though, you really would. Have a serious chat with him!

chocolatelover1234 Fri 10-Jun-11 15:08:35

Very true Betty which us getting back together is the outcome i'd want. DD is staying at Gramdma's tomorrow so will take advantage and have a chat. Glad you all don't think IAU as he always says i am and i started to believe it!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-Jun-11 15:32:53

Chances are that if his behaviour is that atrocious, the rest of the family already suspect that he's got some kind of problem... drinking being the most obvious one. BTW.. He leaves. You stay. Not the other way around. And yes, it is scary if you've been with someone for a while to try to imagine life without them, but it's possible. If you met a complete stranger and they shouted at you and your DD the way he does, would you tolerate it? No... and yet, because we're married to the nasty creatures and have some residual affection for them, we drop our standards, compromise our values and accept levels of shit that we wouldn't accept in any other circumstances.

BTW... forecast. His reaction will be either total fury and accusing you of being unreasonable trying to control his life. OR.... he'll promise to be a good boy and reform. If it's the former, he packs his bags. If it's the latter (and that would be classic addict behaviour when faced with an ultimatum), keep a cynical head and believe it when you see it.

chocolatelover1234 Fri 10-Jun-11 16:04:42

Yep family suspect i've talked to my mum who i'm close to about his mood but not the weed which i'm convinced is causing the foul moods. SIL is very supportive of me again doesn't know about the weed but see's his moods and even txt last weekend to say whatever happens she will always be there for me and DD. She says her Brother doesn't know he's been born and is selfish.

None of my friends or siblings like him and are very biased which is the reason i can't talk to any of them.

DH has a friend who he's known for ages who he goes to see alot, his DP doesn't mind if they smoke weed in the house even though they have 4 young kids!!!!! They say i'm being harsh shock

SenoritaViva Fri 10-Jun-11 17:48:45

I was petrified of leaving DH too, I moved countries at the same time (he had promised when me moved it would all stop but in the end I realised I needed to do more than that).

I told my family that I still loved my DH but we needed a break and would see how things panned out. You don't need to say 'I've left him' if you don't want to.

Don't listen to his friends, if you want more from life then you should ask for it. I feel so sorry for you because 'they' see nothing wrong, we used to have blazing arguments because I was so frustrated and got het up myself, I always thought he was too zoned out to listen. My DH didn't have the same anger issues but whichever way it manifests itself is horrid. My DH actually went and bought weed with small DD in car. It sickened me and I was furious, afterwards he conceded it 'wasn't a great idea' but now I think the thought horrifies him.

Although we got back together in the end, we did spend 7 months apart. Yes there were some challenges with being a single parent but it was less stressful in many ways. I am not saying leave him but if you love each like we did and you think he would give it up to get you back then it might be an avenue to consider.

SomersetBelle Fri 10-Jun-11 18:18:39

Your situation is very similar to mine OP. I really don't buy the 'he was like it when we met' argument.

When DH and i met we both smoked and drank far too much. As we gained responsibilities I changed my behaviour, but he didn't. I think this is wrong.

I am dreading the 'why are your eyes so red daddy' conversation that I know will happen when DD grows up.

I'm also sad that weed is robbing DH of his potential. He is moody and lethargic, except when there's a chance of scoring and then he'll find the motivation.

It's a shitty place to be.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Fri 10-Jun-11 19:24:37

YANBU, he is a selfish twat

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-Jun-11 20:38:02

The friend that supports the habit is totally consistent with addict behaviour. It allows the logic..... 'my friend & his DP says it's OK, therefore it's only you that is the killjoy/prude cramping my perfectly normal life'. Which of course is total rubbish but is a classic way to put the blame back on the innocent party. In my case my BIL was as big a drinker as my exH... and 'because my brother does it and his wife doesn't make a fuss...' you get the picture?

Take a firm line when you finally have the chat. Dodge the brickbats (because it doesn't sound like he as the remotest intention of changing) and then make sure he packs well. BTW... it's a little sickening to admit it, but all those people in your circle of family & friends who didn't like him were right, weren't they? Swallow your pride. Get your life back... Good luck

BarbarianMum Fri 10-Jun-11 20:50:44

YANBU. My advice to you is start saving (to leave). I have had several friends in situations similar to yours (plus a long-term drug addict for a brother), and sooner or later it always ended in tears.

I hope he will see the light but I really think you need another way out of the situation. Sorry, I wish my experience made me more positive sad.

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