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More wwyd, because I --think-- know I got it wrong.

(16 Posts)
CRS Thu 09-Jun-11 23:24:58

Changing some details. My child went on a residential trip and was threatened (not hurt, but threatened) by a child with some behavioural difficulties with a weapon. Class teacher told me all and I am satisfied it was dealt with and my child was not hurt. Class teacher is my friend, by the way. Other parent was told "There was a little incident, but was dealt with" - no details.

I think maybe I should have insisted on a more rigourous "dealing with", and if I was other parent I'd have wanted to know the details. This was a while ago (couple of months) but sometimes I find myself fretting about it.

CRS Thu 09-Jun-11 23:25:49

(My child was not hurt as adults present stopped the threat being carried through).

JaneFonda Thu 09-Jun-11 23:27:24

If it was months ago, there's no point getting upset about it now.

Have there been any more issues since this incident? If not, I would be satisfied that it had been dealt with appropriately, and that no further action would be necessary.

Also, a child (not sure how old they are?) is unlikely to understand being in trouble for an issue that is months old, so it would be pointless, really.

Don't worry about it, there wasn't anything you did wrong.

thegruffalosma Thu 09-Jun-11 23:28:12

Well I assume if the other parents wanted to know they would have asked? I know I would have.
I take it from your post that you were happy with how it was dealt with at the time but unhappy that the parents weren't informed? Could you bring it up with the parents yourself?

CRS Thu 09-Jun-11 23:29:29

No, I don't want anything done now - far too late (kids are Y6). It came to mind because there was another issue (not involving my son) yesterday, and it made me think I fucked it up and should have done something at the time.

DogsBestFriend Thu 09-Jun-11 23:30:51

I'd certainly want more details and would be mortified if I were the parent and determined to put things right. I take it that you're sure that the other parent has been given no details and has had no involvement save for being told of the incident?

Question is, what do you want done and is it too late? How's your poor child?

If you feel that it has been dealt with, albeit by the school if not the parent/s, and your child is unaffected maybe it's best to trust the school and let it go. If you or your child are dissatisfied with the way it's been handled or your child still troubled/at risk, it's time to escalate with a meeting with the Head and failing that a complaint to the board of Governors.

JaneFonda Thu 09-Jun-11 23:31:48

No, this is absolutely not your fault. smile

A child with behavioural issues will have them regardless of how badly punished they were because of one incident; please don't feel that it was anything you should have done differently.

CRS Thu 09-Jun-11 23:32:19

I WASN'T really happy, but just kind of accepted it, but sometimes I have thought about it and have thought if it was MY child I'd want to really know about what happened so I could have the full picture - my own son has ADHD and before medication could find himself in hot water (not this bad, actually) and I always wanted, or at least didn't WANT, but felt had to have full details, and school always told me (I work there).

DogsBestFriend Thu 09-Jun-11 23:38:27

X posted with you.

A few years ago my DC were harrassed and threatened by a parent at school. Long story but the basics are that I handled it badly, let it go on too long and looking back didn't do as much as I could or should have earlier and the school, when I did, were totally unsupportive. My DC were little at the time - all could do is hold my hands up to them and tell them in a way that they could understand that Mummy made a mistake, that she loves and cares for them and will always protect them and that she should have done more at the time but because of complicated rules and grown up reasons she felt then that she couldn't. I suppose I showed the DC that although I love them I'm human and like all humans I screw up from time to time!

I rebuilt the trust in that way - my DC know that I love them and that I would never make the same mistake again (and sadly I've had to prove this, this time with child bullying of one of my DC) and that they can still trust me to protect them and stand up for them.

Maybe it's worth having a heart to heart with your DC and saying that you think that maybe you should have spoken out at the time, but you thought you were doing the right thing and that still you are there for them?

Please don't beat yourself up. This isn't your fault, you did what you felt was right at the time.

CRS Thu 09-Jun-11 23:45:34

That's it, DogsBestFriend. I think my son didn't think I took it seriously. Have had a few comments from my son along the lines of "If I did something like that, I'd have been in such trouble!" &c

DogsBestFriend Thu 09-Jun-11 23:58:33

Oh my goodness, I feel for you, that sounds so familiar. It's shit being a parent sometimes isn't it?

All I can suggest (and I'm no flaming expert, just been there) is that you tell DS that maybe you made mistakes but it was because you thought you were doing the right thing not because you don't care and discuss with him how you'd do things differently if, heaven forbid, it happened again. Tell him that school have it under control (assuming you think they have, if not, kick ass! And tell him you're kicking ass too!) and that you're working with them to ensure it never happens again. Do you have a DH/DP who can join forces with you to emphasise to DS that you're supporting him? (I didn't and so know where you're coming from if not). If you do, a 'united front' from both mum and dad will make DS feel even more secure.

Again, (I want to say sweetheart in kindness but will get blasted if I do hunz!) I must tell you... this is NOT YOUR FAULT!

CRS Fri 10-Jun-11 00:08:17

Thanks for your post - the other child is going to be going to a different secondary to mine in September, so I guess it will be a non-issue really after the next 6 weeks, but I wish I'd stood up for him a bit more at the time - I teach at the primary, so have always come down quite hard on mine, even over very trivial stuff, and also, of course, have been told about his every telling off as I am there, and felt a bit like I had to be the "reasonable" colleague on this one, if that makes sense?

DogsBestFriend Fri 10-Jun-11 00:18:34

Yep, it makes perfect sense. You feel as if you have to be SEEN to be proactive in being unbiased, even if your lad comes out being more strictly dealt with as a result, just in case it otherwise looks as if you are favouring your boy. You shouldn't be made to feel that way but I would be exactly the same.

Be proud of yourself for NOT being a biased mum and for caring so much. Hang on in there, it won't be long til the end of term, reassure DS that secondary will be a whole new, exciting and fresh start away from the other child and that it's all behind BOTH of you now.

CRS Fri 10-Jun-11 00:23:19

Maybe it will be easier to be the parent from Hell who complains to school about her pfb stand up for my son grin when he is at the big school!

Thanks for your post, my partner says things like "Bloody Hell, he'll survive!" - well I know, but I do feel a bit narked about it all.

CRS Fri 10-Jun-11 00:28:53

Will give example: My son was playing football (with others) which was banned because of bad behaviour from the whole group (not letting younger ones join in). My son - missed 3 breaks, as did other child of staff member. Other children told "That was not acceptable" - no consequence other than telling off.

CRS Fri 10-Jun-11 00:30:04

I feel this is a bad message and causes resentment - my son SHOULD have been in trouble - but they ALL should have had the same.

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