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To feel massively upset at what DHs ex has done?

(29 Posts)
BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 21:21:08

I am keeping the basics brief (though there is a novel in there)

My DH was cut out of a childs life..his child. The woman and he had a short(week long) affair whilst she was engaged....this is years ago when they were young...she did not tell him she was having his child and moved abroad. Then 10 years later...the child was curious and he gets a phone call. By ths time he has met and married me, had 2 DC and we all get a horrid shock.

They live abroad and we live in the UK...we first got the news 3 years ago when DHs DD was 10. He has been over to visit but it is very expensive..(dnt want to say where but a long way away) With my encouragement he Skyped, telephoned and sent letters and presents to his DD....she was sweet and keen t get to know our DC....we told our DC all about their sister and gave them a photograph (ours are 3 and 6) The relationship has been awkward though...the Mother will sit there next to her DD and denounce men in front of this little girl...saying "All men are crap" and things like that..

Anyway...DH sends money monthly ..not loads...all we can give. Recently hs DD hasnt wanted to talk to him much (understandable as she is a teen) but he tries. He joined Facebook in the hope that she would befriend him but according to the Mother, she is not even friend with her nor does she kknow the kids password (she's 13 ffs!)

So DH makes friends with the day DH saw that the MOther had filled in one of those stupid surveys "Do you think John is cute" etc...and being a total dweeb & new to FB he has no idea it's just a stupid app. and means he deleted it and asked her not to put things like that on his wall incase it upset me. (I know! would not have bothered me)....her response?

She blocked him and told him to get out of their lives and he was a twat for putting "a grown woman" before hs child and he was not to get in touch anymore.

Why did she say that? SHE filled the dumb thing in ...not his DD! And I never asked him to delete it...she assumed. Now DH thinks he will never know his child...the woman is a snake...who has played God and I want to deck her quite frankly. She works in a brothel as manager and she says all men are scum...she said this infront of her child and I am so sad.

BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 21:32:53

Sorry its so long blush

WetAugust Thu 09-Jun-11 21:33:05

Step away from Facebook and grow up

squeakytoy Thu 09-Jun-11 21:36:46

Does he know for sure that this kid is actually his?

usualsuspect Thu 09-Jun-11 21:36:55


ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou Thu 09-Jun-11 21:37:48

if the kid is a teenager, she will make up her own mind if she wants to know him or not

BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 21:40:59

He does know...they did a test and she is the image of him. As for your comment WetAugust....the FB is incidental.

Usual...what does tl;dr mean?

BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 21:42:35

I am regular btw.

Linen Pants are a no-no
Nice Ham
Lelli Kelly's are made by the Devil
No child can expect to go to ALL parties

scurryfunge Thu 09-Jun-11 21:44:03

Facebook is not the basis for a relationship with a child, I don't actually understand what the fuck this is all about, tbh.

BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 21:47:59 was his only regular contact with the MOther...nt the child! She was being difficult about phone talk...being FB friends with the Mother at leat gave him a chance to stay in touch. They live on the other side of the world!

Why re people being so effing rude??

BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 21:48:50

Oh I see.

Usual I am not a fucking troll. I "know" you in my other incarnation on here.

usualsuspect Thu 09-Jun-11 21:51:03

sorry ...I can't tell whos real anymore ..ignore my mardy arse posts

Hassled Thu 09-Jun-11 21:51:28

Forget the mother - the important thing is that as the daughter matures she'll start to encourage the relationship. It might be a tough few years for your DH but there will be a tipping point - he just needs to hang in there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 09-Jun-11 21:52:55

I understand your OP. I think the mother feels a bit hurt and perhaps foolish that he deleted it. It's not that she still wants him but she has had a 'snub' from your DH and that's wounded her, hence her difficult behaviour now perhpas? I know these applications, they're daft but the questions can be a bit pointed sometimes.

Can your DH e-mail his daughter instead? If she's not keen on FB (or not actively engaged in it with your DH), then that might be an option. As long as he does whatever he can to be in touch with his DD, at least the ball is in her court and she can have a relationship with her dad if she wants to. smile

WetAugust Thu 09-Jun-11 21:53:18

He has contributed some genes to a young girl living on the other side of the world - obviously a very clever one to have navigated the International Phone system to ring him aged 10.

He doesn't need to have a relationship with the mother.

He's not going to feature in her upbringing from x thousand miles away.

All he needs to do is remember birthdays and Christmas and send the odd ltter, make the odd phone call to her - not her mother,

If one day when she's an adult she wants to increase contact that's great. Until then he should just let them get on with it. As for sending money - don't. They've managed so far they'll manage in the future.

That's life.

scurryfunge Thu 09-Jun-11 21:53:44

I wasn't trying to be rude and I am sorry if that seemed out of order. If your DH is serious about keeping contact with the child then he needs to set up other means of contact.
The child is old enough to establish a means of communication independently of the mother.

GypsyMoth Thu 09-Jun-11 21:55:57

He could phone her
Old fashioned letter
Is his dd refusing all these? Funny old age, guess he should carry on til she responds again

usualsuspect Thu 09-Jun-11 21:56:13

fb is not the way to go

bbbbob Thu 09-Jun-11 22:02:20

You have posted about this before haven't you?
I think you're up against it with the mother but your DH should keep in as much contact as he can, via email/skype/text even if she doesn't respond.
I know people say FB is not the way to go but (if I'm right) I remember your other threads and then it seemed the general consensus was for your DH to get a FB account in order to stay in touch with her.
Forgive me if I got that wrong.
Agree his DD is at a funny age which is why I think he should keep trying to make contact. Definitely don't let him back off.

BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 22:02:22

When he phones, she rarely comes to the phone...whe she does she is typically "13" in her responses

I tell him that he needs to send a postcard a week....she can read them when she grows up.

I hate that my DC have a sibling...they share a Dad ffs and they dont know her.

Tyr Thu 09-Jun-11 22:06:41


Your DH has established contact and been to visit his daughter once. She is now a teenager and things get difficult then, even in intact families.
He needs to maintain the indirect contact for a start. He can do that independently of the mother.
He has been to see her once; he could suggest that his daughter comes to visit next time. That would obviously mean communicating with the mother but, if the child at 13 is up for it, she would be a fool to try and stop her.
Incidentally, how did she trace him at 10yrs old?

squeakytoy Thu 09-Jun-11 22:09:35

I remember your earlier threads. To be honest, he cant realistically expect to build a relationship with a 13yr old who is a stranger on the other side of the world.

She wanted to know who her dad was, but at 10 she cant possibly have thought about the full ramifications of having him play a real part in her life.

As she gets older things may change, she might want to get to know him better as she grows up, but for the moment, I wouldnt keep pushing her. If it is causing problems between her and her mother, it is better for him to keep out of it.

She spent ten years of her life without him in it (through no fault on either her part of his), and the mother doesnt sound like a nice person, and considering she was an extended one night stand, he didnt really know her either.

I wouldnt try and force the relationship if it causes you stress, because it isnt going to be affecting anyone if he doesnt try so hard.

Leave it to the child to decide.

I do wonder if all of this contact on the mothers part is because it brings in some money, but then I am cynical like that

FabbyChic Thu 09-Jun-11 22:09:53

Your husband just has to maintain contact as best he can, and let the child know that he will always be there for her, he cannot be a father a thousand miles away. All he can do is send cards on her birthday and christmas and maybe write to her.

It may well be in years to come the daughter wants to come here to see her father.

kalo12 Thu 09-Jun-11 22:14:40

I agree that postcards, letters etc are a good way to go. And make the effort to phone even if she doesn't respond.

What about just normal emailing?

BadStepMother Thu 09-Jun-11 22:15:41

The DD did not contact him...the woman did. She did it through some minor detective work.

Well squeaky we thought that too but we dont care. We'd rathr know she existed than not iyswim.

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