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To feel so sad that my mum is so fucking emotionally distant?

(8 Posts)
joogle Thu 09-Jun-11 17:44:17

My mum came over for the afternoon to see our two DC's.

I've had a really bad day and had a row with DH on the phone (both tired and narky) thought I might try to talk to my mum about it and she totallly blanked me, I then asked again a bit later if she thought DH was bu and she sighed, turned round and started talking to the baby.

She always does this when I talk to her, especially when it is about emotional issues although she will ask for my support/advice when she is upset.

joogle Thu 09-Jun-11 17:45:44

Can I just add I'm not constantly asking for her support or trying to offload my worries on her as I realise it may sound like that from my post

MixedClassBaby Thu 09-Jun-11 18:09:53

YANBU. My mum can be like this, although I had a bit of a breakthough with her when I gently told her how I felt. Is this something you could do?

MixedClassBaby Thu 09-Jun-11 18:11:51

Perhaps she feels that she'd be interfering if she 'got involved'?

joogle Thu 09-Jun-11 18:17:44

Well I have told her how UI felt in the past and every now and then I think we've had a breakthrough then it just happens again.

I know it's my fault for expecting a response from her when for whatever reason she feels unable to give one, I just find her so cold and it's quite sad really.

MixedClassBaby Thu 09-Jun-11 18:22:34

I do sympathise. Do you feel that she does care really but just can't articulate her feelings? It might be that she feels that your relationship with your DH is none of her business and she's reluctant to go there.

catsmother Thu 09-Jun-11 18:25:38

Totally empathise. If I ever try to discuss anything remotely emotional with my mum on the phone I can guarantee that within a minute there'll be "someone at the door" or her lunch needs to "be taken out of the oven". Then I won't hear again from her for weeks on end.

Quite clearly she doesn't "do" emotional/controversial/contentious and I'm very wary therefore about "inflicting" (because that's how she makes me feel) any problems upon her. This means that she is and has been completely ignorant of great swathes of my life ..... stuff where I'd have really appreciated a listening ear and a little bit of tea and sympathy with someone I should be able to rely upon and trust. However, you can't perpetually pretend that all is well when it's not and sometimes things are too big to be kept quiet - even then she gets a censored version because I know how she'll react. And really the most I ever get in return is an "oh dear" before she rushes off to rescue an (imaginary) cake or similar.

It's really hurtful but you can't force someone to be more communicative or sympathetic. But equally, it's near impossible to feel okay about being such an embarrassment/bind/awful person or whatever that your own mum doesn't want to know.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jun-11 18:41:18

It's not your mother's fault if she's not interested in or feels uncomfortable with sorting out your emotional problems or relationship issues. You've known her your whole life and presumably she's never been any differnt Why keep expecting her to be something she isn't? Some people have mothers that have their nose into every minute detail, and they're not happy either.

Motherhood, eh? No-win situation.

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