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To not want the biological father involved when my baby is born.

(84 Posts)
skivy Thu 09-Jun-11 10:17:49

I found out I was pregnant one week after separating from my partner. I ended the relationship due to his jealous, possessive and irrational behaviour towards myself. I also found out he had been telling me a lot of lies including the fact he claimed to be infertile. I am now 9 months pregnant and very depressed due to his constant contact and harassment throughout my pregnancy. I have had to involve the police on numerous occasions as he won't leave me alone. He claims that I am being unreasonable and selfish by not wanting his involvement with the baby when it is born. To be honest I am terrified of what he is capable of and rarely leave the house unless I need to, to avoid him seeing me or anyone else seeing me and reporting my every move back to him.

DoMeDon Thu 09-Jun-11 10:21:26

YANBU to not want him at the birth if he is abusive but he is entitled to be part of his child's life.

GypsyMoth Thu 09-Jun-11 10:23:27

What contact have you both agreed on for the baby?

skivy Thu 09-Jun-11 10:28:02

Nothing has been agreed as I cannot speak to him, I find him too intimidating and irrational. He refuses to go through a lawyer and this is the only way I will communicate with him. He claims that the lawyers route is a waste of money.

HushedTones Thu 09-Jun-11 10:30:52

I agree with DoMeDon. You don't have to have him at the birth but YABU to decide that you want to write him out of his child's life forever.

It sounds like a vicious circle at the moment. He is angry at your 'no involvement' attitude so is harrassing you to let him get involved which makes you more anxious about him pestering you so you avoid him which gets him more angry and more determined to harrass further.

You are going to have to sort out a way that he can be involved in a way that doesn't make you fearful or feel suffocated but lets him get to know his baby once it's here.

redwineformethanks Thu 09-Jun-11 10:33:10

Perhaps try to look for a compromise eg take the baby to your ex's mum's house etc so he can spend time with the baby there

Don't think of it as giving in to your ex

Your baby is entitled to know his / her father

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jun-11 10:35:00

YANBU to be nervous by the sound of it, but I don't think that anything will improve if you don't reach some kind of agreement. As you're not married he has no legal rights, I don't think, so you're not actually required to let him have access. If you do see a lawyer, perhaps it's an exclusion order you need?

GypsyMoth Thu 09-Jun-11 10:38:04

You can't exclude him because you no longer like him!

If it went to court he would get pr anyway, so no point in denying it. court would,in absence of welfare issues, award him good contact

Will he be going on birth cert?

GypsyMoth Thu 09-Jun-11 10:38:32

Exclusion order wtf??!!?

Yekke Thu 09-Jun-11 10:39:16

YANBU and if you've any sense you won't put his name on the birth certificate. If he's as concerned for the child as he claims to be he'll make application to prove that he's his/her father and efforts to support him/her. At the moment it sounds like he's far more interested in getting involved in your life and that it's about controlling you. He has no right to have anything to do with the pregnancy nor does he have the right to harass you.

But then, why are you letting him control you before the baby is even born? Why are you not going out for fear of him seeing you or knowing? What's he going to do or say that a very loud, public, "PLEASE STOP HARRASSING ME OR I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO CALL THE POLICE AGAIN" won''t solve?

What about friends? Can you enlist some for support in order to start getting out and having a normal life again? You can't hide away because of this prat!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jun-11 10:40:57

Maybe exclusion order is not the right phrase but the OP's going on about calling the police and is 'terrified what he is capable of'... makes it sounds like this bloke is a violent, aggressive individual that shouldn't be allowed within 10 miles of her. The type that walks into a house and shoots women with their small children dead, perhaps?

Or she's exaggerating the situation just to make a point.... not unheard of.

HushedTones Thu 09-Jun-11 10:41:34

Cognito - that is not correct. He has no automatic rights but he can get parental responsibility if he asks for it and this gives him equal entitlement to the mother in having rights over his child. Quite rightly so.
Courts are very very keen to ensure that fathers who are interested in their children get parental rights.
The OP could string out the process by demanding a paternity test but ultimately it is better to reach compromises and solutions now rather than have the courts award it to him if it goes that route.

sue52 Thu 09-Jun-11 10:41:54

It sounds as though he tricked you into becoming pregnant with his infertility story. Very understandable to wish to exclude him from your life. Have you taken legal advise yet?

millie30 Thu 09-Jun-11 10:42:11

YANBU not to want him at the birth and he shouldn't be harrassing you during pregnancy, but once the child is born their rights kick in and the child has the right to know both parents. You could speak to your solicitor about how best to come to an arrangement whereby you are comfortable, which allows your ex to see the child. He wouldn't get lengthy contact with a newborn baby, particularly if you are breastfeeding, and you would need to be nearby.

ScroobiousPip Thu 09-Jun-11 10:42:17

YANBU to not want him to attend the birth but your baby is entitled to know his/her father. As a mother you will need to do what you can to put aside your own feelings and do what is right for your child. Lord knows, that's not easy sometimes, but you have to find a way to communicate and arrange access, even if that is through lawyers.

HushedTones Thu 09-Jun-11 10:44:45

I didn't read it as violence at all. I read it as OP is avoiding him because she nolonger likes him and thinks it's easier all round if he has nothing to do with his baby because, by definition, the fact that he will be forever linked to that child means that, to some extent, he will be forever linked to the OP and she does not want this.

If there is violence involved then that's different.

I read it that he's harrassing her because she is hiding from him and refusing to talk about how he is going to get to know his child and be a part of his child's life. She doesn't want to see him or discuss it and he is getting increasingly frustrated and angry about being shut out already.

skivy Thu 09-Jun-11 10:45:52

Unfortunately my ex has no immediate family around here. The only close friends that he has have been fed so many lies about me that I can't even approach them to help in this situation. He doesn't want to involve any official help i.e lawyers, social work or contact centers and this worries me as I fear he has more to hide and going down these routes will expose what ever it is he is hiding. I already have two children from a previous marriage and those kids have a consistent and secure relationship with dad. I just have an awful gut feeling that this time is totally different and this man can't be trusted.

Yekke Thu 09-Jun-11 10:48:53

If the OP 'strings out' the PR process she can distance herself from this man at the time when she is most vulnerable, post partum, can get firm legal advice and support and can wait and see if he actually applies for PR or whether all he wants is some measure of control over the OP and has no interest in the child himself. Let's face it, he wouldn't be the first man to use a baby as a way of getting at the mother with no genuine desire to play a long term and commited part in the child's life.

We don't appear to be talking of a normal rational man here but of a very unpleasant one - a stalker. Legally, if he has PR, on the birth cert or court ordered, he has rights over the baby but we all know that this means that he will have a measure of control over the mother until more or less that child reaches the age of majority. Morally, should such a man be 'entitled'? Not in my view, with the welfare and safety of both mother and, ultimately, child in mind.

DoMeDon Thu 09-Jun-11 10:49:51

You must go with your gut. Go through lawyers. Do not let him intimidate you or take you off the right path with his mental mind-fucking.

Like I said YANBU to want him at the birth but he is entitled to contact. Let it be court approved supervised contact by all means.

Yekke Thu 09-Jun-11 10:51:19

millie the man's rights don't kick in once the child is born unless there is PR. Not on the birth certificate = No PR.

GypsyMoth Thu 09-Jun-11 10:52:34

Yet less than 9 short months ago she was sleeping with him

Op......courts don't rule on 'gut feeling'

Look into mediation, and remember it's your child's right, as per the children's act, to know both parents. Gut feelings of something to hide don't even feature here

millie30 Thu 09-Jun-11 10:53:11

Sorry Yekke, I meant the child's right to know both parents kicks in. I worded it wrong.

GypsyMoth Thu 09-Jun-11 10:53:13

Yekke....... It's the child with the rights

glitterkitten Thu 09-Jun-11 10:53:52

Hushedtones has it right here.

Whilst you perceive his behaviour to be harassing, this needs to be contextualised by the fact that he is undoubtedly anxious that you don't want him to have anything to do with his own flesh and blood.

if the tables were turned, and someone was suggesting you couldn't have anything to do with your child, you would be anxious too and hopefully you can understand why he feels unable to just leave it alone. Would you? could you? the birth of his child is imminent and he wants to be a father. He might be going about it in an annoying way, but sometimes emotions rule the mind.

its unfortunate that he's stressing you out to such an extent and i would encourage some form of mediation via a third party (professional or otherwise). this would open lines of communication in a controlled way and enable some dialogue on contact.

try and avoid Court. You would have a tough job convincing the Court that he shouldn't be at least given a chance to be a part of his own child's life and he would most likely be granted contact. Negotiate and mediate and agree on something, for the sake of you all, not least the child.

GypsyMoth Thu 09-Jun-11 10:56:11

Courts won't order supervised contact without welfare issues

Contact centres are a temp arrangement, if he goes there then there is an expectation for it to move on, and quickly as places are limited

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