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husband had string of affairs, finally over, now 30 yr old single mum - how do i do this? please help

(11 Posts)
washingonawednesday Wed 08-Jun-11 22:51:51

i have been reading the more wine post and saw a lot of support and i need some now please.

husband had affair 2 years ago - i took him back and we tried to make it work. my son is now 5 months old and he has done it again. i found out 2 weeks ago.

we hashed it out and he confessed to another 4 women over the years so i have left him.

i am devestated. i love him and never wanted to split up our family, but he is still with the OW and i cant see a way we can stay together. he is an utter bastard, but i am going to miss him so much - we have been together for 13 years.

please tell me how i can get through this?

i cannot make a clean break as i will have to see him for the rest of my life as i would never keep my son from his father.

i am trying to believe that this is my chance to start again and be happy with someone who loves and respects me rather than treats me like a piece of shit they scraped off their shoe, but can it really be done as a 30 year old single mother? will i be able to find someone who not only loves me, but my son?

how could he do this to us? i am so unhappy.

animula Wed 08-Jun-11 22:59:23

So sorry, it sounds shocking.

Do you think it might be a good idea to have this moved into "Relationships"? There really is a lot of traffic there, and people tend to slow down, and post considered responses.

There are also some posters who pretty much only post there, and have a great deal of experience.

Firstly, can I say you are only 30. Although it is appalling when trust is broken -- it can make you feel as though everything you know in the world, and all your judgment is wrong -- you really, really will get past this.

For now, it is a case of one day at a time.

How long ago did this happen? Do you have RL support? Have you been able to get to a place where you can begin to get some structure (and legal footing) to the separation?

AngelbitchtheChaoticOne Wed 08-Jun-11 23:01:36

It doesn't feel that way atm but you really are better off without someone who so obviously disrespects you. This way you are free to meet someone who will truly love and respect you, when you are ready to. For now take care of yourself and your son and concentrate on getting through a day at a time.

You're probably better off posting on the relationships board where you'll get lots of help and support. There's also a lone parents board where you will get support too.

squeakytoy Wed 08-Jun-11 23:05:02

can it really be done as a 30 year old single mother?

of course it can!!! you are young, and you have the chance to rebuild your life, and do what YOU want to do with it now.. and the best revenge you can get is to make a bloody good success of it without him.

You will be fine, you and your son. smile

Cocoflower Wed 08-Jun-11 23:52:29

Im so sorry to hear this.

30 is still young plently of people have still not even been married or had children by this age.

Are your more worried about the finding someone who is also happy to have someone elses child in their life?

When I was a single mother I really thought the chances of meeting someone to love and dc were zero. Three and a half years later Im lying next ot my DH with dc2 on the way so there are wonderful men out there prepared to 'take' on and love children not their own.

ivykaty44 Wed 08-Jun-11 23:59:52

I am sorry that your dreams have been shattered, its a hard place to be.

grieve for what would have been and then rebuild your life slowly and surely to the life you deserve.

petisa Thu 09-Jun-11 00:19:11

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry, you must be in horrible train crash type shock right now. Been there, albeit without kids. Don't let yourself feel like a fool for not knowing. And don't think in any way there's something wrong with you that lead him to treat you like this. I agree with the poster who advised you to get this moved to relationships - you'll get some wonderful advice and support there. And 30 is only young! Best of luck.

HalfPastWine Thu 09-Jun-11 00:23:17

So sorry to hear about your circumstances.

It is painful but you will get through it and it will make you a stronger person.

At 30 you're still so young and have so much ahead of you. Take one day at a time and before you know it you'll be in a much better place.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 09-Jun-11 06:34:27

how do I do this? The only way to do it is very slowly. You're hurting and it will take time to heal the pain, but one day you'll experience an overwhelming sense of freedom and relief - and you'll be 'you' again.

In the meantime there's no need to overthink the future as it will take care of itself. Live in the present; nurture your baby and yourself, and rebuild your self-esteem so that you are not coming from a place of emotional need when you meet the wonderful caring guy who may, hopefully, be the TRUE love of your life.

On a more practical level, get thee to a solicitor and make sure that your own and your ds's financial future is as secure as possible.

Comfort yourself with the thought that although you cannot make an absolutely clean break, you can and will make an emotionally clean break from a low-life who wasn't fit to lick your boots.

And don't regret anything. Life's a learning curve, and some lessons are harder than others because we need to be challenged in order to grow and become all that we are meant to be.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 09-Jun-11 06:44:03

You're young, capable, and sound strong and grounded - you did the leaving, after all - this shows how strong you are. He's had numerous affairs and you and your DS deserve better. My ex cheated on me. I took him back, got back on track (or so I thought) and we tried for a baby. At 4 months pregnant I found out he was up to his old tricks and told him to leave. He went straight to live with the OW. When my DS was about 1, I found out that my ex had other children with numerous different women that had been conceived while we were together shock so he'd been cheating throughout our relationship. Not an dissimilar situation to yours, and I've survived smile. You can too.

My advice would be to stay in the marital home (if you want to, of course) - get him to move out. See a solicitor to sort out money, finances, the house and the divorce (if you're having one, which I assume from your 'no going back' tone that you are). Contact the CSA regarding maintenance for your DS, unless you can sort out an amount and trust him completely to pay it every month.

Oh, and don't even think about dating anyone else yet. It's early days, so give yourself time to get used to your new, independent life before jumping in feet first with someone else.

Good luck.

CareyFakes Thu 09-Jun-11 07:12:15

He sounds a douche.

I have no idea about marriage, or true heartbreak, but I do know about being 30 and a single mum!

Give yourself time to adjust, get focussing on motherhood and gain all the benefits and love that it has to offer. Your confidence will grow in time, you will become self efficiant because you have to.

I have just started a relationship, DD is coming up 3 in July. It took me a long time to discover 'me' again after my main role as 'mummy', as her independence grew, as did mine and my 'me' role stepped forward to share a little light.

Take time to heal, reassess, and enjoy your baby.

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