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AIBU to ask a sensible Q?

(87 Posts)
troisgarcons Tue 07-Jun-11 22:30:15

I always said I would never canvas opinons on the internet BUT this is bugging me.

This is backing onto a convo at work: SAHP want to be recognised as a valid and important role; the 'H' indicates 'homemaker', so if you are SAHP would you think it reasonable (on work days) for your partner to do chores? (excluding bathtime and stories) if so, would you as a SAHP be prepared to go into you partners office (with children in tow) and do a couple of hours filing ?

iwanttoseethezoo Tue 07-Jun-11 22:34:08

??? So the person that goes out to work has only to 'work' from 9-5? And the SAHP has to 'work' 24 hrs a day? How is that fair? I stay at home, and am in charge of the house and kids from approx. 7.30am to 6.30pm. When DH comes home, we SHARE the house and kids (in theory, anyway). Are you suggesting that the working parent should come home and sit and be waited on, and not help out? If so, then I want to call you a naughty name. angry

Nixea Tue 07-Jun-11 22:34:50

What the actual fuck....

kalo12 Tue 07-Jun-11 22:35:55

i think parenting includes providing a home and also providing an income. I think that all tasks are not equal , it is a compromise , a balance a give and take, I think if you can do some filing with kids in tow and then go home and put the laundry on and make dinner and not be worn out by it then whats the problem.

do you think tasks should be divided equally or do you thin it depends where each persons strengths lie - ie some people are more capable than others.

troisgarcons Tue 07-Jun-11 22:41:15

Maybe I didn't explain properly... my apols.

Start again.

SAHP and full time working partner, factor in commuting, small children etc. SAH is a valid and worthwhile job (dont like 'job' but heyho, can't think of a better phrase).

Not making myself clear am I? 14 hours a day commuting/working - should the wking partner be expected to shove in another couple of hours at the ironing boardand scrubbing the bog etc?

This is working days only - weekends are obviously split chores.

bumpsnowjustplump Tue 07-Jun-11 22:42:38

Housework should be shared. DP works all day in his office I bring up our children, I cook, pay bills, do the shopping and then work part time in the evenings. House work is split (although he does pick the jobs he wants to do)...

Happymm Tue 07-Jun-11 22:42:56

Nixea, I couldn't have put it better grin

potoftea Tue 07-Jun-11 22:48:48

I think unless there are exceptional circumstances, like a sick child, then the parent who returns at end of day shouldn't need to do actual housework. Yes they should share in bedtime battle grin, and probably help to clear up after the dinner if possible, but not do actual cleaning or ironing etc.

Weekends should be shared though.

fluffybutt Tue 07-Jun-11 22:49:19

My DH works stupidly long hours, (9am til midnight), so I don't really have a choice. He has Sundays off, so we try to have a family day. I am pretty capable of doing most things that need doing. I would love for DH to help around the house, but IMO that would be an unreasonable request.

cat64 Tue 07-Jun-11 22:49:41

Message withdrawn

Mollydoggerson Tue 07-Jun-11 22:49:53

Whatever time the work outside home parent gets home, then they muck in half and half for rest of evening and weekend. Couple can decide themselves when to schedule in bog cleaning.

work outside home parent gets to enjoy coffee and lunch (and maybe commutiing time?) as leisure time without kids hanging off them. SAHP is on duty non stop.

worraliberty Tue 07-Jun-11 22:50:07

No. I'm a SAHM and I do all the housework when DH is working.

Weekends and holidays, we share it all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 07-Jun-11 22:54:22

If I were in that position, I'd probably decide with partner to look at the 'week chores' and divide those up based on the available time each one has balanced with the competence (therefore time-saving potential) of each of us. I, for example, will never, ever be competent at taking the wheeled bins down the steps, they're too heavy and almost as tall as I am. I'm far better at making the sandwiches for partner's lunch at work.

Also... take into consideration time spent with the children - allocate bedtime/bathtime to parent who hasn't had the opportunity to spend time with them.

I tend to move many of the week's chores to the weekend anyway, we're both tired sometimes and it will all get done in the end, not all of it is time-critical.

skybluepearl Tue 07-Jun-11 22:59:31

My dh works/commutes long hours and is away 6am to 7pm (1 hour 20 commute each way). As a SAHP midweek i do the house chores/childcare etc from 7am to 8pm BUT he will do odd jobs including somtimes reading a couple of stories to kids, sometimes putting boys to bed, sometimes emptying dishwasher or putting batteries in the tape recorder etc ... Nothing more midweek really - maybe he does 40 mins max but that could include falling asleep while putting kids to bed. It's a help all the same. The most important thing is that he is fresh for driving and isn't a danger to himself and others on the road. It's also important that i get some kind of break though. I feel very sorry for my friends whose husbands do nothing at all midweek (and even leave their dirty plates on the table for SAHP to clean away). They seem to have no respite at all midweek and sometimes even at weekends. Our weekends are completely different and we share jobs. He is very helpful and hands on.

troublebum Tue 07-Jun-11 23:12:29

My Dh gets it easy, I work everyday as does he but I do less hours, so I get up get the kids off to school (and he works from home) then I go to work, come home do chores, collect kids, do more chores, then get dinner, DH at this point helps clean dishes away. I do all the ironing, I do all the cleaning, help with homework, lunches, dinners, breakfast, washing, all DH does is put kids to bed, and mow the lawn from time to time!

enjolraslove Tue 07-Jun-11 23:19:29

I work full time. my dp is a SAHP 2 days a week, 3 days I do the nursery drop off and pick up and we both work. On the 2 days he is at home I expect him to maybe put a load of washing on (and hang out to dry), possibly pick up milk at the shop and/or drop off dry cleaning. if more gets done (when dd has her nap) I am overjoyed. but really we both want his time at home to be spent playing/looking after dd. when I get home I then take over playing with dd, he cooks (much better than I am), we all eat, I do bath/bed (though he often reads a story) and he clears up from dinner. on days we both work, one of us cooks (or more likely heats up what was cooked at the weekend for the weekdays), one plays. then the same bed time scenario. once she is asleep we both do some housework chores (max 45 mins ) and then work for a couple of hours. I certainly would not expect dp to spend the evenings doing housework if I was doing nothing. BUT it is all a give and take, sometimes I will have lots of work on and he will do lots, othertimes he is away for a week and it is all me. but we really do try to get all the housework done after she is bed or during her naps at the weekend. I really resent spending time when I coudl be with her doing chores and it takes twice as bloody long anyway!

Lonnie Tue 07-Jun-11 23:32:03

I do not view the H in SAHM as "home maker" the homemaker in our household is myself AND my husband as we jointly make our home what it is.

Dh works long hours leaves home at 7 am returns home 9-10 pm I still expect him to do 1 chore a day. We have a chore board that goes up and it shows our children daddy is a part of the family even when they do not see him. I make them chores he can do like Monday he takes the rubbish out (he has always doen this) Wednesdays he has to take out the abel and cole boxe .. Tues THurs and Fri he usually get the compost duty but occationally his chore is stuff like " call estate agent about X - we rent" this way the kids see that chores is a joint responsibillity for everyone.

At weekends I often work I still do a chore when I return home (and usually more than dh does often I cook for example after having left at 7 am returning at 7 pm)

Overall I do more of the housework but that is because overall I am here more. if I am away I expect him to do the majority part.

Al0uiseG Tue 07-Jun-11 23:35:02

I can get all the housework and boring stuff done as a sahm so that neither of us has to do anything at weekends. Except possibly load or unload a dishwasher. It's not exactly brain surgery is it?

biscuitmad Tue 07-Jun-11 23:55:05

dh jobs, cut the grass (have to nag). Put the bins out (always forgets). Put his clean clothes away. Tidy up after himself not leave it all to me. Give lo a bath every other night. Do bedtime routine with lo.

My jobs look after lo, take him out to playgroups. Make lunch, clean house, tidy house, to the washing and put mine and lo clothes away. Make dinner and afters. Wash up and dry up. By 9pm Im knackered and ready for bed. Also get up in the night when lo wakes up, this happens every 2/3 nights.

I would like dh to rememer to put the bins out, wash up after Ive made dinner. Make dinner on his days off as I get sick of cooking all the time.

I maybe a SAHM but my job is 24hrs I get half hour to myself a day if Im luck so yes I think dh his better off going to work.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 23:56:47

if youre competent sahm,weekend should be breeze
school/nursery stuff in wmch friday night.hang up friday
meals well you dont work so batch cook & freeze
book shop online for delivery at weekend if needed
cleaning youve had all all week to keep on top of. so 2 day not fluff fold wont kill you

so no weekends you shouldnt be in a state,you've had all week to sort this.esp when kids at school/nursery and youre not sahm doing childcare

so no to be honest if sahm wants it to be considered busy akin to job,then snap on marogolds, get orf mn. chop chop

InTheNightKitchen Wed 08-Jun-11 00:01:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis Wed 08-Jun-11 09:08:15

should the wking partner be expected to shove in another couple of hours at the ironing boardand scrubbing the bog etc?

Why not? I don't get to sign out of work at 5pm, turn off a phone, etc. For example. I was up most of the night with a coughing/spewing 7yr old. Dh wasn't. So I have had both girls at home today as going to school on a few hours sleep isn't constructive. But dh will still come home & help me make dinner/wash up/walk dog/put girls to bed/bath them/clean bathroom etc. Why? Because we are both parents & it means that we get more time together as the chores are halved.

But no, I can't take the girls to his place of work because a] there is no filing to do & b] it would be a HUGE H&S issue as he works in a huge workshop with machines/burners/ovens/forklifts/effing great electrical motors etc.

Home & kids are a 24/7 commitment that both partners decide to undertake, so the housework/child care should be shared, imo.

Blatherskite Wed 08-Jun-11 09:29:19

Yes, 14 hours a day commuting/working is hard but being a SAHP is a 24 hour day!

A SAHP doesn't get to go "Oh, it's 1pm, I think I'll have lunch" and switch the kids off for an hour. They have to make lunch for everyone, probably help everyone eat said lunch and then tidy up the food from the kitchen/highchair/floor/wall so it's hardly a relaxing sandwich in the park or hour at the pub is it. They also don't get to go "it's 5pm, I'd done for the day" and walk out of the "office"

I'll get as much as I can possible do done while DH is at work but once he gets home, it's 50/50 again. We've both done a 'working day' and it's time to be partners again. How else would a SAHP ever gets a break? There is no weekend or holiday when you're a SAHP.

Blatherskite Wed 08-Jun-11 09:30:48

There's also no weekend or sick leave.

Oh, what I would have done for sick leave in the past!!!

Blatherskite Wed 08-Jun-11 09:31:01

Sorry, evening or sick leave.

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