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To not want to see my dad again?

(11 Posts)
sweetness86 Tue 07-Jun-11 20:53:55

Please dont read and run I need advice sad
Hi everyone
I have finally seen my dad after 20 years its been a weird experince I thought I would be emotional but I wasnt.
The thing is my dad is in a mental hospital being treated for schzophrenia
he was very nervous on meeting him shaking his leg repeating things and obviously not right in himself.
He spoke quite normally and remembered a lot of things from my childhood Im 25 now he seemed happy to see me and said he had missed me. Thing is when I found out he was in there I now wish I had put the phone down I know it sounds cruel I feel like I care about him but I dont think I can cope with this in my life (which I know is selfish) he rang me tonight asking if he could meet his grandchildren and see my wedding photos he was so sweet on the phone and told me he loved me I cant say it back though.

I wish he was normal and not in hospital , hes being let out soon into supported accomodation and seems pleased about this . Hes only 47 and I just feel pity that hes in there and he seems so vunerable he got his wallet out and gave me money on our first meeting which I said I didnt want but he insisted. I feel terrible for feeling like I dont want to see him again and I do care about what happens to him I just think maybe I dont need this you know?
What should I do ? Im scared and worried

sundew Tue 07-Jun-11 20:58:26

sweetness - I can see that things are very emotional right now for you. I also don't think you need to start seeing your dad every day / week. BUT is the problem that you haven't seen him for 20 years so have no emotional attachment or that he is mentally ill?

I don't know anything about you but would suggest maybe you take it slowly and see if any bond grows between you both?

ThatllDoPig Tue 07-Jun-11 21:01:15

IMO . . .
Trust your instincts.
Don't make any decisions now, you aren't responsible for his welfare only yours and your dc.
When he asks if he can see them, say no, it's too soon to be thinking about that, you've only just met up again.
It's a huge deal and even though he is ill, he needs to respect your boundaries and your feelings. If you decide you don't want him in your life that is OK.
Good luck. Must be really hard.

honeybee007 Tue 07-Jun-11 21:02:01

I think you need to give yourself time to get to know him some more before making any big decisions. I'd also say to him that you want to concentrate on building a relationship between you two before introducing the dc. Showing him pics will probably make him very happy and do no harm.

My dad has mh issues but not as serious as schizophrenia, it is hard for my family as I'm sure it will be for you and your family but he is unwell, would you feel the same if he had a physical illness? There are a lot of support groups available to get good advice on dealing with your feelings and your dads illness.

Just take it one visit/conversation at a time. It is scary and worrying but he's your dad and you may regret not taking the opportunity to get to know him.

honeybee007 Tue 07-Jun-11 21:03:58

Also as thatldopig said it is totally ok to decide you don't want him in your life for any reason.

AgentZigzag Tue 07-Jun-11 21:03:58

My advice would be to take it slowly and don't burn any bridges.

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want the extra pressure, but he seems to be making an effort (for whatever reason) maybe he can contribute (I don't mean financially) to yours and your familys life in some way?

Don't feel bad about your reaction or entirely sensible concerns, just try to be truthful to yourself and work out what you want/don't want.

iwanttoseethezoo Tue 07-Jun-11 21:04:01

wow, that's a HUGE thing to happen to you, and I totally understand that you're feeling frightened and confused. Try to take it one day at a time and see as much or as little of him as you want. Presumably if he's being moved to supported accommodation then he is on medication for his condition and is relatively stable. If you feel he is wanting too much, then you need to explain that after having not seen him at all for 20 years, then you need to take it slowly and gradually with him.

Good luck - it may be that you end up having a good relationship with him. Is there anybody else that you can go with to see him - your mum, or a good friend to make it not so 'intense' for you?

stayathomegardener Tue 07-Jun-11 21:04:38

I have no experience of this sort of thing but did'nt want to leave you unanswered.It seems to me he is trying very hard,poss too hard?That kind of enthusiasm/intensity can be very hard to deal with.
What should you do?Take it very slowly and remember you are not responsible for him,your feelings may change in the future.Good luck

sweetness86 Tue 07-Jun-11 21:09:54

Thankyou everyone I did give him photos on the visit I had but its so hard because hes mentally ill hes so eager to do things right now etc I just dont think I can do this but the guilt will weigh heavy on me I know it will sad

Slambang Tue 07-Jun-11 21:12:04

Can I ask why you don't want to see him again? Is it the fact that emotions are stirred up about when you were little? Did he let you down? Is it something about the man himself? Is it fear of his mental health problems?

sweetness86 Tue 07-Jun-11 21:19:39

Probably fear and maybe i think he will be a burden i know it sounds horrible though

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