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To wonder who the hell you can rely on in this world?

(42 Posts)
toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 17:46:12

I have spent the day with my terminally ill mum (cancer) and whilst we have shared some lovely moments I am very distressed about her physical decline. It really is horrendous for her and my dad. I have started the grieving process.
I have a good friend who lost her dad some years ago. To be fair she has been quite supportive recently listening to my problems. Today I met up with her in the library. She started telling me how I should take out some library books to entertain my dd in the cafe.. When I told her I couldn't be bothered she started applying pressure. To which I just snapped and said I wouldn't bother going to the cafe as I can't be bothered faffing around with library books, fines and friends who are trying to put pressure on at this time.
I took dd to the loo and came back and said friend was clearly in a mood. She said she didn't expect to be treated like shit or spoken to like shit and that she knows what grief is. I told her that she should then know that my behaviour isn't personal but I have a short fuse as I am so fucking angry that mum is suffering and will then die.
I just feel that she feels that I shouldn't be grumbling as she has alos had a loss in the past.
She made me feel like I can't lean on her any more as she said that she has done so much for me and has been there for me. She just sounds a bit resentful. Who can you fucking rely on. I'm single to so have no supportive dp.

Onemorning Tue 07-Jun-11 17:49:40

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through.

Reality Tue 07-Jun-11 17:49:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 17:53:22

It's true reality and I did tell her that my grief is no less than my grief but I only told her I wouldn't be going to the cafe as I didn't want to faff with library books. Ok I was in a huff but she just kept going on and on. Not what I need.
I also said that if she didn't want to be around me when I'm like that I'd understand.

toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 17:53:57

i didn't swear at her or call her names.

notsogoldenoldie Tue 07-Jun-11 18:01:18

It's terrible to watch someone die of a terminal illness, isn't it? Perhaps she's just trying to be kind by distracting you from your mother's imminent death? People deal with death in different ways, and perhaps this is just her way of trying to make you feel better.

She may also be remembering her own loss, and you admit she's been supportive - how supportive were you when her dad died?

I'm not sure what you expect here. You are obviously going through a difficult time, but you may need to come to terms with your mum's death in your own way and perhaps contact a professional bereavement counsellor for support instead.

fearnelinen Tue 07-Jun-11 18:05:32

It's not like she was asking you to pluck out your eyelashes with rusty toenail clippers. She sounds like she was trying to be helpful - perhaps she felt like you deserve an uninterrupted coffee with a friend and maybe an opportunity to talk.

She sounds as though she recognises your pressure and is trying to help. PLease don't push her away during this hard time sad

Fimbo Tue 07-Jun-11 18:06:03

Sorry OP I know you are going through hell but I think you are bu.

I had a friend last year who was going through a difficult time with an ex and custody battle. Another friend and I did everything possible for her including taking her children to/from school every day. We had our own problems too but she wasn't interested everything had to be about her. I used to have her children morning noon and night during the holidays too. Eventually enough was enough and she was relying on us to do it all for her, whilst she sat at home. Things came to a head and we no longer speak. Which is sad. Please just give a little bit back to your friend despite how you are feeling

EssentialFattyAcid Tue 07-Jun-11 18:06:06

Just try to be kind to yourself and to your friend.
I would apologise and say you have been under a lot of stress and didn't mean to fly off the handle with her. I'm sure she will understand.

Counselling is a great idea to help you get through this

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 07-Jun-11 18:18:33

No matter what life deals us, and no matter how angry we may feel at matters that we cannot control , it simply isn't fair to take our frustrations out on others.

Instead of snapping, you could have changed the subject or confided how you were feeling. Instead you have needlessly alienated someone who has already demonstrated that she is a supportive friend, who has the ability to empathise with your grief.

Write a heartfelt letter to your friend and apologise sincerely for taking out your angst on her. Say that you appreciate her suggestion which you will act on as soon as you can work through the anger you are currently feeling.

Also say that you deeply appreciate the support she has given you, and that you hope your behaviour hasn't ruined a friendship that you have come to greatly value.

You may feel that you have 'started the grieving process' but nothing can prepare you for the grief you are going to feel at the eventual loss of your mum.

While it''s all very well 'leaning' on others, it can be harder to learn how to stand up straight and cope alone if the prop falls away.

Realistically, there is only one person that you can rely on in this world and that is yourself. Make a vow to honour your mum by behaving like the well-mannered, considerate, caring, adult she raised you to be - and always deal with your anger in private or vent it here.

toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 18:26:34

This isn't about me though. It's about my poor mum. I am devastated because of my mum. I have sent her an i'm sorry e-mail etc anyway. I just found that when she was talking to me about the library book it was a bit of a stern lecture and she didn't know when to give it a rest. Honestly ; i really don't need a fine right now and I know i'd get one.

toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 18:27:22

Also I frequently invite her round to mine for coffee and a chat and I do listen to her problems too.

toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 18:29:45

I think that if one is angry in life it is better to express taht anger to whom it may concern rather than say it behind their back which is why I snapped. I then apologised but if she's going to hold a grudge at a time like this then mabe it's best we don't hang out. She knows my mum and loves her too so really a bit of empathy would be great and I bet she was also very angry when she lost her dad. I'm not excusing my behaviour but i don't think that walking offf in a huff was the biggets crime against friendship. I just didn't feel liek going for a coffee at that time with her.

toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 18:31:10

And I felt that the excess pressure to do what SHE wanted me to do rather than what I wanted was too much at that time. Still love her though and told ehrs o in my text.

fearnelinen Tue 07-Jun-11 18:35:01

With the addition of your last comments, YANBU at all, you're just going through a tough time. She sounds like a good friend, hang on to her.

Lilyloo Tue 07-Jun-11 18:35:28

I am so sorry to hear about your mum , your friend will get over it and still be there for you i am sure.
Life is very cruel and in grief we can sometimes take out our hurt on the wrong people.
Cancer is shit and loosing your mum to this cruel disease is shit. I remember getting angry in the sandwich shop at people just buying a sandwich when my mum was dying. Was totally unreasonable but sometimes the mudane stuff is the hardest thing to do and seems pointless , maybe this is why the library book thing just seemed a step too far .

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 07-Jun-11 18:42:27

in the library i used they don't fine for children's books id lended from a child account.

i am sorry to hear about your mum, but don't push away the people who are trying to comfort you at this difficult and emotinol time

TheFlyingOnion Tue 07-Jun-11 18:46:48

oooh you might be going through hell but you have treated your friend like shit.

you should apologise - you'll need friends by the sounds of it.

Can't see from your subsequent posts though why you're on AIBU, as you clearly think you aren't....

katvond Tue 07-Jun-11 18:49:36

Toptramp I've been where you are. My mom had terminal lung cancer.
Friends tried to distract me but all I could think of was mom and being with mom. YANBU
I wish you all the best OP and best wishes to your mom

katvond Tue 07-Jun-11 18:50:41

A true friend will forgot what happened smile

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 07-Jun-11 18:58:18

I'm so very sorry at what your poor mum is going through but, despite your protestations to the contary, this IS about you.

If you don't learn the art of showing grace under pressure, you'll wake up one day and realise that you've lost more friends than you've made.

I know you are undergoing one of the worst types of trial by ordeal but when times are hard you need to be kind to yourself, and be even kinder to others.

toptramp Tue 07-Jun-11 19:07:18

Your right. It isn't fair for me to take my grief out on my close friends. I have told her this and spologised and we are ok again. I have to go to a councellor I think.

jugglingwiththreeshoes Tue 07-Jun-11 19:15:22

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum's illness.
Regarding your friend, I'm sure she's trying to be a good friend, as you were for her, but some people aren't such great listeners/ counselor types.
I'm sure I spend a lot more time listening to some of my friends than they do to me, and sometimes, especially when you have a problem, it is frustrating.
Some people - you lean on them and they tend to fall over grin
But they can still be OK friends in other ways and at other times.
Also - I really don't see that you treated your friend so badly anyway, and am surprised by those posters that see it that way.
But then that's the trouble with AIBU ?

takethisonehereforastart Tue 07-Jun-11 23:28:35

If she knows and cares about your mum then she's perhaps feeling a little angry herself but feels she can't say so.

And although she is working hard to be a good friend to you, I bet that this situation is bringing a lot of unhappy memories and emotions back to her about the time her father was ill and dying and that will be hard for her to deal with.

And if she is feeling that way, she probably doesn't want to talk to you about it and add to your problems right now. So she's trying to support you without asking for any support from you (as so often happens when people are facing loss and grieving).

Earlybird Wed 08-Jun-11 03:50:30

I'm so sorry about your Mum. It is an impossibly hard situation, and you and your family have my deepest sympathies.

Fwiw, good friends can be extremely supportive at times like these. But ime, if at all possible, it really is immensely helpful to speak to a counsellor about your sadness, worry and upset. Sometimes the depth of the feelings and subsequent upset and grief can be simply too much to ask of a friend - no matter how close or dedicated.

When my Mum was dying, I was so sad. So upset and depressed. So worried. It dominated my life for months. While friends were loving, helpful and supportive, I was helped immensely by being able to say whatever I needed to say to an impartial person who was there just for me.

A counsellor will listen and support you, and you don't have to be concerned about being 'fair' or get into any friendship dynamics. You can focus fully on your situation, and be supported.

i hope you find a way to get the help you need as you navigate this difficult and emotional time.

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