To be hurt at things DP's friend said about me when pg

[CeliaDeBohun]

I know I shouldn't care, it's not important anymore and there's nothing I can do about it anyway but this has still really got to me.

DS is nearly one now. DP absolutely dotes on him and is a wonderful, responsible dad. He's 30, was nearly 29 when I conceived DS. My pregnancy was planned and was wanted by both of us although it happened sooner than either of us expected. We had only been together a year beforehand but decided to go for it as we were committed to each other and I was 33 and starting to get a bit stressy about the biological clock thing.

He has a very wide circle of friends but is particularly close to this very clicquey (sp?) little group who, I felt, always resented me appearing on the scene. Apparently his previous long term girlfriend didn't get on with them at all, so he never hung out with them and her at the same time. Although I didn't feel very welcoming vibes from them, I forced myself to make a real effort as A: it's polite, B: they were some of his closest friends so they werent going anywhere and it was in my interests to get along with them, and C: I didn't want them to be able to say I was a horrible cow who had a problem with his mates.

So anyway, I gritted my teeth and did my best to get along with them. I accepted that they were slightly territorial where he was concerned and I wasn't expecting to develop genuine friendships with them until I'd been with DP for a good few years, if ever. When I got pregnant, I was dreading him telling them because I had a feeling they'd strongly disapprove. Actually, this went for quite a few of his friends, not just this mini clique. As it happens, nothing negative was said to him directly but there was a distinct lack of enthusiasm from a number of people.

None of this should really matter now that DS is here, and the three of us are a very happy little family. But we're both aware that not all of DP's friends are pleased for him. One girl in particular, part of the mini clique and somebody that DP considered to be like a younger sister, has barely contacted him since DS was born. This has shocked DP because he honestly saw her as one of his best mates and, he says, if something as life changing as having a baby happened to her there's no way he'd just drop her from his life and show no interest whatsoever in her child.

DP reckons they just don't get that you can actually have a child and still be the same person. He's been disappointed by their shallowness but accepts that that's the way things are. I do too but was still quite upset when a mutual friend told me the other night that the girl who I just mentioned (the little sister one) had been ranting about me when I was pregnant - moaning about how they had lost DP now, that I had succeeded in trapping him and that I had been taking drugs while pregnant (I most certainly did not!). I feel quite hurt and can't stop thinking about this. I KNOW it doesn't matter now but can't help feeling shocked and upset. Ok, she's DP's friend and not mine but I tried really hard with her, thought we got on reasonably well and now I'm stunned to hear that she's said these things about me.

Sorry it's so long Thanks for reading.

[buzzsore]

Oh she sounds like she has her eye on him and is madly jealous of you.

[dexter73]

Sounds like maybe she is jealous? Has she ever had more than just friendly feelings for your dp?

[GeekCool]

Do you think she didn't see your DP as a big brother, more as a potential partner and you are the biggest threat to her? I would look at it from that angle and you will understand her behaviour a bit more

[ballstoit]

YANBU to expect his friends to behave better. As they didnt I wouldnt waste any more thoughts or upset on them. Enjoy your DS and DP and make an effort with people who deserve it.

[Cocoflower]

It does sound like she had feelings for him...

[MamaMary]

She is jealous of you because she wanted your DP. Stay dignified and thank the Lord that she's distanced herself from both of you.

[HaughtyChuckle]

Accusing you of taking drugs during preg is a horrific thing to say Jeremy Kyle stuff . I'd be very tempted to mconfront her but its your choice. Was Dp there during the rant? did he defend you?

In your position I'd be angry at DP still being civil to someone who said those things

[Hullygully]

They are horrid. It's a shame, but some people just are. All you can do is stay away and be happy and not let their nasty poison infect you, dp and dc

[Lambskin]

They sound incredibly immature to me. Feel sorry for the girl, you have what she wants and it sounds like she's ruining the friendship too. You're a happy family, concentrate on that, some friends are not forever and it sound as though your dp has outgrown some of his.

[AgentZigzag]

His friends sound awful! Not accepting you until you'd been with him for years?? What tossers.

It's like they're 7 YOs in the playground.

Your DP is an adult and can make his own choices about where/who he's with, you haven't 'stolen' him.

I'm glad he's grown up and realised how shallow and immature they are.

Ignore the woman and concentrate on your lovely family.

[diddl]

They´re not really friends, are they?

Otherwise they would be genuinely pleased for him.

They sound odd & best avoided tbh.

As for "trapping" him-does she not realise that men can use contraception also?

[Callisto]

They all sound very childish to me, and the 'younger sister' friend sounds either unhinged or madly jealous. Possibly both.

[umf]

That's very silly of them. Wait 5 years until they have children and they'll all suddenly be wanting to borrow your baby stuff and asking you how do cope with colic.

[Flyonthewindscreen]

YANBU, your DP's friends sound rather odd tbh. What is strange about your DP settling down to family life aged 30? Are none of them doing similarly and if not why not? Also I would not want my DP to have anything to do with someone who had made allegations about my taking drugs while pregnant, agree with all those who say she sounds very bitter and jealous.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Their behaviour has exposed them as a clique, not a group of friends. He has not conformed to the unwritten rules, so he's blackballed. And, I agree with everyone who's said that whilst he might have regarded her as a little sister, she did not see him as a brother but as a future partner. You have thwarted her plans, so she's being spiteful.

Well done you for rescuing him from these people!

Oh, and if we can all see it, I'd expect anyone she says this to will too - with the additional body language clues she's bound to radiate ...

[TotallyLovely]

Did you tell your partner about the girl saying those horrible things? What did he say?

They sound like a horrible lot. Immature and rather sad. I am assuming that they live a certain lifestyle and are the type that look down their noses at others for not following the same lifestyle? I have known people like that. They think they can live the same way forever and then one day realise everyone else has moved on and living their lives as grownups.

[SenoritaViva]

Have you told DP what you heard him saying?

I think you are better off with them not being excited, they just don't sound like real friends at all and incredibly immature. I can understand that you are hurt by those words but try to forget them - although I'd tell my DP in case she decides to set her sights on him again. Also, remember this is hearsay, it is what a friend said she said, how sure can you be that it is accurate?

[CeliaDeBohun]

Thanks for the replies, it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one who'd feel bad about this.

I don't think she's after him, they've been mates for years and if anything was going to happen it would have done long ago. She maybe did see him as a surrogate boyfriend though, someone to do coupley things with even though they weren't together. Funnily enough, DP has another female friend who also relied on him heavily as a surrogate bf/'gay best friend' even though he's not gay/binge drinking buddy - she was a PITA for the first half of my pregnancy. She kept texting him late at night asking him to come out, saying she had a drink waiting for him, even suggesting he sneak out as if I was his mum ffs! Other times, if he text her to suggest meeting up she'd say things like "ooh you're not going to be in trouble with Celia are you?". I have never, ever tried to stop him seeing his mates . That all stopped when she found out she was 5 months pregnant by her on-off DP, thank god.

They are very, very childish. Cliques always are. I think part of it is because they're from a really small town and have all known each other since the year dot. Small towns can be quite cliquey ime and I'm not from there, didn't go to their school so will always be an outsider to some degree.

HaughtyChuckle DP wasn't there. She would never have said that stuff in front of him. As for their still being friends, I'm struggling with that. As in, I can't tell him what to do and realistically, they may not be as close as they were but they have so many friends in common that they're going to wind up at the same get togethers. Actually I don't know how I'm going to handle seeing her. I don't think there's any point confronting her but avoiding her may be difficult and I'm going to find it really hard to even look at her, feeling like this. Perhaps this is where I'm BU? I need to let it go but right now I'm actually feeling physically uncomfortable at the thought of having to speak to her.

[AgentZigzag]

I wouldn't worry about any of them, your DP obviously values going outside the small town gene pool.

He's changed and now has to wait for them to play catch up.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Actually I don't know how I'm going to handle seeing her."

Smile brightly and ask what drugs she thought you were doing during pregnancy?

[vmcd28]

this sounds like my dh's "friends" from the small town he lived in too. I am so OK with DH going out - always have been, but they sort of dropped him when he moved 15 miles away. As if it's impossible to keep in touch at that distance

[madonnawhore]

Do they live in Dawsons Creek?

[CeliaDeBohun]

Smile brightly and ask what drugs she thought you were doing during pregnancy?

Right now I feel like I'll either smack her one or burst into tears. Very mature and dignified! I've always tried my best never to show any hostile vibes, feeling like that would be seized upon as evidence that I'm threatened by them and want to take DP away (I know, very primary school). Tbh, reading all of this back and reading the responses on here is making me see how childish it all is. Almost to the point of arrested development. It's taken some of the power to hurt away, if that makes any sense?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Perfect sense Celia.

[ShoutyHamster]

Arrested development is exactly right.

I've known little groups like this. They're pretty sad. A big part of it is simple jealousy at anyone in the group appearing to move on in any way... which your DP certainly has done. And there's the catchup element - yes, you'll find (if you stick with this group as 'friends' - god, I wouldn't) that when a couple more of them start with the babies stage, it'll suddenly be all all right to be chatting babies, doing kid-friendly things, to 'stop' partners going out at all hours or whatever other crimes you're currently committing :)

They've never broadened their horizons enough to be confronted with people living differently/having different interests or values etc. - so they're still stuck in the cliquey playground where to be 'ok' you have to be part of the herd. They're simply not mature enough to have a sensible, intelligent level of braodmindedness.

Which makes them quite boring crap people to have as your circle of friends, really. Dull, backstabby, childish - YAWN. Which brings me to 'little sister'. I'd confront her - WhereYouLeftIt's suggestion is great. Why on earth not, if she thinks it's ok to say that, why shouldn't you say something back? Also, I think it's a given that you wouldn't now be particularly enthused about having her as your friend, why the hell shouldn't you say what you think?? She (and the rest) sound like no loss at all, do they?

You see, doing anything else - keeping quiet, getting upset but not showing it - is basically 'bowing down' to the idea that this group, simply because they've been there for so long, are unassailable. That they have rights in some way, that they can say/do what they like. Well, they can't. Crap nasty remarks are the same whoever says them. If they behave like that, they deserve to be pulled up on it. Either say something, or say to your DP that you simply don't want anything to do with her - and let him make up his own mind. If he's got any balls, he should be thinking the same thing. Because she's shown herself to be a shit friend to him, more than anything. Would he ever dream of spreading a rumour that her latest boyfriend was a thief, or a drug addict, or violent, just because he didn't like her situation? What kind of friend would that make him if he did? Ask him that, and say that you can do without that kind of friendship, thanks - so you won't be pursuing anything with her except avoidance.