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AIBU?

to only want one baby?

62 replies

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 07/06/2011 13:35

DS is 15 months old.

I have struggled from day 1 with being a mum, constantly feeling like I'm getting it wrong, getting stressed and worried about every tiny thing. DS has not been a particularly 'easy' child (if there is such a thing?!) and has some problems (which we are now getting help with). I have given up work to look after him (DH works full time). TBH, I am only just starting to feel happy again and to enjoy DS and being a mum.

However, DS is now at the age where EVERYONE (from my parents to taxi drivers) are asking when we are going to start trying for another baby. When I say we have no plans to, everyone seems totally gobsmaked! Comments have included: 'Poor DS, surely you don't want him to be an only child' and 'only children grow up spoilt and selfish you know'

In my mind, if I struggled with one, how on earth will I cope with two?? Things have just got back on an even keel for me and I just want to enjoy it for a while...

So AIBU to only want one child? Or am I being as selfish as people keep implying??

OP posts:

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LindyHemming · 07/06/2011 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chandellina · 07/06/2011 13:38

one is wonderful! tell people to mind their own business - or shut them up by saying not everyone has a choice.

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MissPenteuth · 07/06/2011 13:39

YANBU. Smile politely and ask them why they think it's any of their business.

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thelittlefriend · 07/06/2011 13:40

Of course YANBU. But get yourself some come-backs lined up because the "when are you having another one" comments will keep on coming

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iwanttoseethezoo · 07/06/2011 13:40

it's still early days -there's no rule to say that you need to have them close together. tell the nosy-parkers that you're biding your time and in no hurry. Then enjoy your little boy as long as you like and decide later.

BTW, second time around is easier, less stressful as you've done it before and your first one survived! i could never imagine having another until my first was nearly 2, and now i have 3, so you can't tell how you'll feel a year down the line.

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LittleOneMum · 07/06/2011 13:40

Oh, goodness, I remember that! It will pass, honest. Just say 'nope' and then move on. Go to the 'single parent' threads on here... they are fab.

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LittleOneMum · 07/06/2011 13:41

Oh and I should say that I now have 2 DCs, when I was at your stage I was completely completely against another one, and now I'd dearly like a third...

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going · 07/06/2011 13:41

It's for you and your dh to decide not anyone else.

I am an only child and have always wanted to have lots of children, have found that 3 is the right number for me. If one is the right number for you then stick with it don't have anymore just because you feel it's what's expected of you.

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pozzled · 07/06/2011 13:41

YANBU. It's your choice to make (and your DH's) and no one else has a right to make you feel guilty. Only children enjoy a lot of advantages that those with siblings don't have. And I can't see how it would be better for any child to have a sibling at the cost of their mother's emotional wellbeing- especially a sibling that wasn't truly 100% wanted.

At some point in the future you may feel that you would like another child, but if you don't that is a perfectly valid choice. Ignore those that think otherwise.

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valiumredhead · 07/06/2011 13:42

I only had one baby but for all sorts of unforeseen medical problems it would be too risky to have any more yet STILL people say hurtful things such as you mentioned in you op!!

One is wonderful as chandellina says and it is YOUR choice to have as many or as few children as you so wish x

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cannydoit · 07/06/2011 13:42

the first is the biggest culture shock tbh, totally rocked my world. i always knew i would have at least 2 for those reasons but the second one is easier. it is ultimately up to you and people cant help but stick their noses in and bla their useless opinions on to you. there are pros and cons to only having and being a single child dont feel pressured or rushed, jesus 15 months i would have shot any one who suggested i have another then.

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Honeybee79 · 07/06/2011 13:43

YANBU. And tell the rest of the world to piss off and mind its own business.

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LindyHemming · 07/06/2011 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizcat · 07/06/2011 13:46

I used to get a lot of this when DD was about 2years old and I am afraid I said 'It's not possible' people usually shut up then. This really gets on my wick I never tell people who have more than one child that they shouldn't have had more why should they tell me that I should have had more.
I often used to dream of shouting at people " I ONLY WANT ONE".

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Callisto · 07/06/2011 13:47

Only children DO NOT grow up to be spoiled or selfish. DD (an only) is the most generous child I know. Children who have to compete with siblings are far less likely to share IME. As for being spoiled - that is up to you as a parent.

Tell them all to feck off with their unwanted opinions and enjoy your son.

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GColdtimer · 07/06/2011 13:47

YANBU at all. When DD1 was that age I coudln't image having another one as she was such hard work and becoming a mother is such a shock. However when she reached 3 I thought I could probably cope and now have DD2 who is a delight.

But whether or not you change your mind, it is entirely up to you and your DH and is nobody else's business.

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WoTmania · 07/06/2011 13:47

YANBU - people are twats aren't they? If you wanted 6 you'd be told that was too many and you'd not have enough time for each child.
Try and ignore? Although that might be hard.

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CMOTdibbler · 07/06/2011 13:49

YANBU - you tell them to mind their own business. I have an only, and several friends with onlies, and they are all very happy children

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swash · 07/06/2011 13:52

YANBU, of course. I have two - and that is utterly right for me, but by god they are hard work! My friend has one (her partner's choice) and they have a much easier, more fun life on the surface than we do. There are real benefits to having one child, I think, though it wouldn't have worked for me.

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SmethwickBelle · 07/06/2011 13:54

It is a thoughtless comment by people most of the time, making conversation - they'll have forgotten the conversation in a moment, so try not to take the comments to heart.

One of my friends had a baby boy after her first child was a girl and she said she was expecting to get the comments about "ooo how lovely one of each" but also found people saying "aw, will you try for another - she'd love a little sister to play dollies with/he'd love a little brother to play football with".

Just goes to show you can't bloody "win" whatever you do so you may as well please yourself, and of course you aren't selfish, you are just being realistic given the tough time you've had. Two children brings many joys of course but in my experience it is double the work with half the sleep .

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catwhiskers10 · 07/06/2011 14:02

I'm in the same situation as you, a SAHM with a 15 month old DD.
People just can't seem to understand why I wouldn't want another child.
I've had everything from "it's inhumane to only have one" (really??)
to "the second one is easier" (my decision isn't based on how easy or hard I have found motherhood) and the old chestnut "they need someone to play with" (so I have to have a child I don't want in order to be a glorified plaything for DD?)
Im aware I may change my mind in the future but at the moment I am perfectly happy with DD and have absolutely no desire for another child. Our family, to me, feels complete.
As for the idea only children are selfish/spoilt I've got good ammunition when faced with those comments as I am an only child ("so you think I'm selfish and spoilt then?) :o
YANBU do what's best for you.

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mistlethrush · 07/06/2011 14:06

There are quiet a few regulars on the 'one child families' section, many of whom have experience the same thing. TBH, I wanted 2 children - but its not going to happen - and I know how much the constant questions can hurt.

I am an only child - and never remember wanting siblings when I was younger.

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Flyonthewindscreen · 07/06/2011 14:09

YANBU. I can't believe that people ask the why aren't you having any more question so freely. Apart from the fact that it is none of their business, there could be very painful personal reasons someone is sticking at one such as infertility or a relationship on the rocks.

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mistlethrush · 07/06/2011 14:14

You'd be surprised Kamer - I've had someone bemoaning the fact that they were going to have two children under the age of 2 - the second one due arround the EDD of my then recent miscarriage.

People can be thoughtless - and somehow pregnancy and numbers of children is considered to be something that is perfectly acceptable to pry into.

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IgnoringTheChildren · 07/06/2011 14:14

YANBU. My DH and I changed our minds repeatedly about how many children we wanted after DS1 (bit of a clue about what we ended up doing there!) was born and most of the time we didn't agree. I was so sure that I wanted 2 DC until the reality of actually having one hit home, and DS1 wasn't even a particularly difficult baby! Strangely enough after DS1 was born (and my DH had got over the horror of his birth ) DH decided that maybe it would be nice to have 2.

Anyway he ultimately talked me round to the idea (didn't take much as I was getting all clucky over friends' babies) with the argument that we wouldn't regret having another baby but we might regret not having one! Well... the other night he said that as much as he loves DS2 he does regret it a bit at the moment as he's so busy with work and he feels I just don't get a break.

I don't regret the decision, ok so it's not easy at the moment but it will get better, however I do think that there are a lot of benefits to only having one child (at least one of my friends is only having one through choice) and that it really wouldn't have been a problem for DS1 to not have a sibling.

Oh and I know quite a few only children - none of them are spoilt or selfish and they also don't go round snicking their noses in other people's business and spouting their unwanted opinions at them!