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To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

(321 Posts)
Tile Tue 07-Jun-11 09:24:42

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

nethunsreject Tue 07-Jun-11 09:26:46

Yanbu at all.

TheGrumpalo Tue 07-Jun-11 09:28:54

YANBU, I'd be quite upset about it too but then I am quite an insecure person and i'm probably BU myself!

ajandjjmum Tue 07-Jun-11 09:30:53

It depends. If he told you willingly I would be a bit hacked off, but probably deal with it by taking the piss out of him. If you 'found out', and he'd been trying to avoid telling you, I'd be well pissed off.
But that's just me.
Men do stupid things when they're part of a crowd.

RoxyRobin Tue 07-Jun-11 09:31:05

What price human dignity - of all of the parties involved? YANBU.

CareyFakes Tue 07-Jun-11 09:31:09

I'd be a bit put out about it, mainly from the cost of it and the pointlessness of it all.

Men can be a bit daft, as can women, who wants a stranger shoving their fanny/dick in your face and then pay for the priviledge?! Odd behaviour

CheerfulYank Tue 07-Jun-11 09:31:33

YANBU. I feel like any minute the hordes will descend and tell you it's no big deal, but for me it would be.

I've told DH that if it's a bachelor party or something and he goes along to the club it's not a big deal. I don't relish the idea, but I could deal with it. A lapdance, though, would be a HUGE deal for me. It's someone else touching him for the purpose of sexual excitement, which to me personally is cheating. Also, I think the proliferation of clubs like this and in our culture in general leads to the objectification of women.

So, in my book YANBU. Have you and DH discussed this before?

Icelollycraving Tue 07-Jun-11 09:31:37

Yanbu to be upset. I don't feel strongly about lapdancing clubs one way or the other but I would not be happy if my dh paid a girl to gyrate in front of him,it's a bit grim.

nethunsreject Tue 07-Jun-11 09:32:53

It's as much the misogyny that gets me.

Fleurdebleurgh Tue 07-Jun-11 09:34:00

Its not like he shagged her.....

But, if he knowc you well enough, he would know it would upset you and therefore shouldnt have done it.

saffy85 Tue 07-Jun-11 09:35:22

My DP would be on the business end of a hissyfit if I'm totally honest but then I'm pretty insecure especially right now. I wouldn't gripe about my DP going to a strip club but I wouldn't like it if I found out he'd had a private dance.

YANBU to feel the way you do. Everyone has their own limit IYSWIM as to what they find acceptable.

Deliaskis Tue 07-Jun-11 09:36:14

I wouldn't be bothered about if from a relationship/fidelity point of view and I don't think it's a bit like sending someone a dirty text. I do 'disapprove' of it from a moral standpoint tho, objectification of women, and trafficking issues etc. And it's just...well...it's really trashy and a stupid thing to spend money on.

Nothing to do with infidelity type issues tho.

D

thestringcheeseincident Tue 07-Jun-11 09:37:11

Yes a night at the strip bar on a stag etc is not a dealbreaker for me. But paying for a lapdance would be a massive drama in my mind. Massive.

YANBU.

Cocoflower Tue 07-Jun-11 09:38:26

I would be heartbroken and disgusted. YANBU

AlistairSim Tue 07-Jun-11 09:38:50

YANBU.

I would be furious if my DP did this, I would be questioning his view of women and wondering how I ended up with a gutless, mysoginistic tosser, tbh.

EggyAllenPoe Tue 07-Jun-11 09:42:13

YANBU too right alistairsim

aside from which, if my Dh is going to shove money into someones knickers, there's plenty of space in my Tescos belly warmers..

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 07-Jun-11 09:42:58

It's a bit 'sheeplike', isn't it? Aside from the grubbiness of it, I wouldn't think much of a man who has to 'follow' colleagues to participate in something like this that has nothing to do with legitimate business, but everything to do with vanity and disrespect.

I don't agree that all of the females that do the dances are being trafficked; some are just making their own (bad - in my opinion) choices. Of course they are supporting the scummy industry of trafficking, as is your husband and any other person who frequents places like that. Not very fragrant and I think I'd be re-thinking my living arrangements if my husband did it.

Tile Tue 07-Jun-11 09:44:40

ajandjjmum - A very good male friend let it slip at the weekend when he was drunk. My friend has just gone down in my estimation as well. I asked dh about it when we got home and he told me. So he didn't lie exactly but I guess only told me because I'd found out.

CareyFakes Tue 07-Jun-11 09:46:35

Oooo well then, in that case, I'd be epically pissed...he would be taking the bits of leather out of his ass from my boot for WEEKS.

Nuttychic Tue 07-Jun-11 09:47:17

YANBU I would be furious if my DH went to a strip club never mind having a lapdance! It is a deal breaker for me and that was made very clear to him within the first few months of meeting him.

I find it insulting, disgusting and I would question his view on woman! I have never and would never even date a man who views this kind of stuff OK.

bubbles12 Tue 07-Jun-11 09:50:17

YANBU. I agree with AlistairSim's post.

Hassled Tue 07-Jun-11 09:55:13

The distaste for it isn't about insecurity, I don't think - whether you're secure or insecure about your looks/body/relationship/whathaveyou, if your OH is participating in something as grubby and mysogynist and yuck as a lapdance, of course you're entitled to feel pissed off and hurt.

harpfairy Tue 07-Jun-11 09:56:13

While I think YANBU, there is often a bit of a herd mentality about men at times like this. In his defence, assuming he wasn't bothered or not whether he had the lapdance, it is easier to go along with your mates than to appear to be the stuffy one who refuses. Possibly he failed to mention it as he knew it was reprehensible and was ashamed as well.
If it were my DH of course I couldn't be nearly so objective grin but it may explain things a bit.

ChaoticAngelbitchfromhell Tue 07-Jun-11 09:56:46

YANBU

AlistairSim has put it perfectly.

BulletWithAName Tue 07-Jun-11 10:00:49

YANBU. Fuck the herd mentality rubbish as well, he's a grown man who has a mind of his own!

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