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favouring girls?

(35 Posts)
skybluepearl Mon 06-Jun-11 22:09:06

Do you believe in helping your children equally? My parents have very little but have treated us all equally and I intend to do the same for my own children. My inlaws are very different and i struggle to understand why they hold such a traditional approach in this day and age. Is favouring girls still the norm in todays society?

So why do some people provide financial support for daughters weddings and not sons weddings? Buy equipment for daughters first child but not for sons fist child. Give their own children large xmas/birthday presents while they their childrens partners a small token gesture.

I never really gave it much thought but now i have children of my own i just want to make sure they are all OK regardless of sex. They are only tiny now but I can't ever visualise financially favouring one child over another.

exoticfruits Mon 06-Jun-11 22:18:50

Maybe it is just your IL being odd! I would always treat them the same-but that is what I am used to.

foreverondiet Mon 06-Jun-11 22:21:36

I think normal to give own children bigger present than your SIL/DIL and paying for daughter's wedding rather than seems to be tradition but favouring some grandchildren over others seems odd.

Hassled Mon 06-Jun-11 22:21:51

I certainly think my ILs have been guilty of this - I know they love DH and SIL equally, but the SIL has had a bucketload of financial and practical help that it wouldn't occur to them to give to DH.

As to why - I don't know. I don't understand either. Deep-rooted traditional bollocks?

InTheNightKitchen Mon 06-Jun-11 22:23:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits Mon 06-Jun-11 22:32:06

I would imagine that by the time they have married we would be onto token, smaller presents, so DIL would be treated the same.

catwhiskers10 Mon 06-Jun-11 22:33:51

Tradition mainly.
As for buying equipment for a new baby, I thought it was traditional for the woman's parents to buy the pram and man's parents to buy the cot?
I've never heard of any ILs buying smaller presents for DILs/SILs at Christmas, I imagine that would be a personal thing within families how much they spend on gifts.
As for favouring certain GC, that's just wrong.

skybluepearl Mon 06-Jun-11 22:34:57

Stragely I didn't think about how the IL's treated their own children until i had my own children. Then i thought it was very odd that they favoured their daughters - it's something i would never consider doing. I know they love all their children but have made some very odd comments over the years - 'there's nothing like your daughters children' and 'it's cheaper to have boys'.

troisgarcons Mon 06-Jun-11 22:36:14

Put a cultural spin and dowries into the mix

exoticfruits Mon 06-Jun-11 22:36:51

Rubbish! You make your relationship direct with the grandchildren.

exoticfruits Mon 06-Jun-11 22:39:53

Since I have all boys I am quite happy with the wedding traditionally being paid for by the brides parents.grin (however I am not expecting that we still have tradition-maybe they can be persuaded to elope!)

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls Mon 06-Jun-11 22:43:04

bugbear of mine too - sil much more favoured than dh, it narks me more on the practical side than financial (and him too, although quite often he wonders when his sister will become independent!!!!!! but I think so does BIL!), however on the flipside I also see it as a massive compliment to both our financial savvy and child rearing skills. Its that or just being depressed grin

Niecie Mon 06-Jun-11 22:46:17

I think the reasoning behind the 'theres nothing like your daughter's children' is that a woman will turn to her mother for support when she is expecting a child (or I suppose if she is getting married) and so the mother/grandmother will end up closer to her DD's children than her DS's children because his partner will have a mother of her own. Nobody needs 2 mothers, much as I like my MIL.

I get that but I wouldn't expect that my parents would spend more money on my children than on my brothers (were he ever to have any). That doesn't seem fair to me at all. I don't actually think they would either.

But I am lucky. I don't have to worry about all this as I have only boys. smile

FWIW, both my parents and DH's parents spend the same on their SIL/DIL as they do on their own children.

pointydog Mon 06-Jun-11 22:53:31

Many mothers can feel closer to their daughters' children because her daughter will probably take more time off work so they will see more of each other. It's just how things turn out rather than favouritism.

And 'boys are cheaper' just refers to the tradition of the bride's parents paying for the wedding. It's not a slur on sons.

I just think you misinterpret their comments. I don't think they are favouring daughters based on what you say.

exoticfruits Mon 06-Jun-11 22:56:42

They only end up closer to daughter's DCs , if that way inclined, when the DCs are small. Once the grandchild is a 'real person', they make their own relationship and it can't be dictated by mother.

skybluepearl Mon 06-Jun-11 23:00:50

mmmm... I'm very close to my mum but I'm glad she treats my brothers equally.

chipmonkey Mon 06-Jun-11 23:44:45

MIL is an odd lady anyway but she does seem to have some contradictory views.

She favours her dgd's in general over her dgs's.

However, she does prefer our ds1 and SIL's dd1 because they are blonde and blue-eyed.

She favours the children who have the "family name" i.e her ds's children. I find this infuriating even though my boys fall into this category. When our ds1 was born, she and FIL made a big deal in front of SIL that this was the "first dhsurname grandchild" SIL was understandably very upset. What I don't get is, that obviously MIL married into this surname so I can't see why she is so attached to it, particularly as it's a very common surname.

In their will, they are leaving everything to their dc1 and their dc5 and ignoring their other three dc's. Dh is very upset about this, not because of the money but because of the favouritism.

I am going to strive to be as normal as possible when I have DILs!grin

skybluepearl Tue 07-Jun-11 20:12:18

that rings bells - my MIL has also made a huge thing of my sons being the only children who have the 'family name'

memphis83 Tue 07-Jun-11 20:18:51

my MIL treats her daughter and her grand daughters with higher regard to DH and our ds, the gd got dsi XL's 1 each and DS was supposed to have a ball pit which she told everyone was a bargain from Aldi!
My family are totally different all children and grandchildren and children in laws get treated the same down to the pound, I got pushchair and nursery bought for my ds and mum has just spent the same on my brothers baby, MIL bought her daughter a mamas and papas pushchair, ds got a pair of dungarees from Tesco!

diabolo Tue 07-Jun-11 20:23:13

I really wouldn't expect the same value present from my MIL, as my DH gets.

My MIL treats her grandchildren all the same, which is what matters to me.

CheerfulYank Tue 07-Jun-11 20:24:55

My ILs actually favor my son. blush

Cocoflower Tue 07-Jun-11 20:45:56

Pah, not true in my case.

'Baby' brother gets everything!

MynameisTerces Tue 07-Jun-11 21:00:41

Nah not true - traditionally boys were always given more as girls married into a family and had the money of the husband. Boys usually inherited more of the parents money etc

ilovedora27 Tue 07-Jun-11 21:46:02

I have never heard of any of this how strange. If my mum and dad give me anything then my brother gets the same with money, presents, everything has always been to the same value.

My mum and dad always say what they have brought the other one to make it exactly even.

exoticfruits Tue 07-Jun-11 21:53:21

When you are adults I would only expect token presents anyway so DH's present would be about the same as mine from my parents. If I get a DIL it would be very strange to give DS a bigger present-they are not 6yrs or even 16yrs.

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