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to be dreading father's day already?

(15 Posts)
keithlemonsbackdoors Mon 06-Jun-11 21:10:47

I'm in a turmoil of indecision & getting myself in a right state.

I haven't seen my dad in 7 years, he didn't come to my wedding 2 years ago ('financial issues') and hasn't met my youngest DS. There was no massive falling out, just a gradual loss of interest (on his part) which started in my early teens.

His absence from my life is something that still hurts me a great deal. I was a proper daddy's girl, hero-worshipped him & thought he could do no wrong - to the point where I was thoroughly miserable at home throughout my childhood (he & my mum are divorced & have both remarried).

Anyways... I'm torn between sending him a card with photos of the kids in & a last ditch 'we miss you' message OR just thinking 'well bollocks then' & not bothering at all. But if I did the latter I would drive myself mad wondering if he was upset & if I was out of order, it's only a card ffs!


Should also mention that my marriage is unravelling at the seams so I'm having trouble keeping my head together as it is. I need to make father's day nice for the DH without bringing a black cloud to the day & I really don't know how.

beesimo Mon 06-Jun-11 21:41:52

Send the card to you Father it is important for you and him to make it up before he dies because if you don't chances are you will bitterly regret it.

Nothing matters more than blood kin don't let foolish pride or aught else prevent you pull out all the stops risk being 'hurt' because you might just win all.

Forgive and forget and take him to your heart again.

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 06-Jun-11 21:49:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beesimo Mon 06-Jun-11 21:53:38

But Stewie surely if marriage unravelling (God forbid) OP will need her Father more than ever

keithlemonsbackdoors Mon 06-Jun-11 21:57:41

Thanks Beesimo. I agree about making up while he's still around but whenever I have phoned him I just get 'yeah, it's been too long, we'll get together soon' but he won't ever commit to actually seeing us. A few years back I asked him why but he just made excuses, so now I've given up. If I send him a card he'll probably ring to say thanks, make a bit of small talk & then I won't hear from him again until I next contact him. It hurts that he just doesn't seem to care at all.

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 06-Jun-11 21:58:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keithlemonsbackdoors Mon 06-Jun-11 22:00:40

Thanks Stewiesmom. I have the same issues with him every Christmas too!

takethisonehereforastart Mon 06-Jun-11 22:02:34

Maybe don't do it for fathers day, if it's going to be stressful for other reasons.

But there is nothing to stop you sending a card a few weeks later, with the photo's and the message but without the pressure of fathers day.

You may well be on edge all day waiting for a call that might not come and that could make things even more strained with your DH.

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 06-Jun-11 22:03:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog Mon 06-Jun-11 22:07:11

Why are you bothered about a man who can't be arsed to see you, your child, or come to your wedding?
That's not a father.

troisgarcons Mon 06-Jun-11 22:09:45

send the card - blood is thicker than water

beesimo Mon 06-Jun-11 22:09:56

I think you Father is frightened he knows he has done wrong it is disgraceful of him not 'standing loyal' to you in past that was his big mistake and error.
Now I don't think he came face himself and YOU about it so he is hiding away from you.

Write to him from your heart say past is past and will never be mentioned or thrown in his face say I would like you to come to my house and meet our bairns and suggest a date.

I know some people will say bastard ect forget him but you cannot can you?
Try pet you have nothing to lose one last roll of the dice

Going to my bed now as I get up early.

All best to you


suetheslut Mon 06-Jun-11 22:12:05

Send the card.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 06-Jun-11 22:21:52

Your relationship with your dad was that you 'hero-worshipped him & thought he could do no wrong'.

However, from your perspective, he lost interest in you - I hope that you don't blame yourself for his disinterest.

Is your 2 year old marriage 'unravelling at the seams' because your DH has lost interest, or is it that you have a problem sustaining your interest in him?

If you've not been in the habit of sending your dad a FD card every year, it's best that you don't start at this particular point in time as it would seem that you may have a hidden agenda (i.e expecting him to become a fond grandfather or a 'proper' dad to you) which is unrealistic, and which may lead to you sustaining further emotional hurt.

As for making FD 'nice for the DH', all you have to do is put the past to one side for 24 hours and focus your mind and your energies on making sure that everyone has a good time.

If you refuse to allow any negative thoughts to spoil the occasion you may even find that you have a good time too.

keithlemonsbackdoors Tue 07-Jun-11 13:58:41

Thanks for the replies. For the record, I do usually send him cards on father's day, Xmas etc. They have been gradually getting more & more inpersonal - all the 'you're the best dad in the world' type cards really grate on me. He never sends cards to us - he leaves that to my stepmum.

Izzy - thanks for the wise words, I'm going to try. It's not so much that DH has lost interest, he's angry with me because I was 'emotionally abusive' to him when DS was tiny, and 'feels conned' because I was on medication when we got married - apparently I'm a totally different person now. (We got together 10 years ago & broke up for a year before we got married.) My relationship with my dad has affected things though - I'm always ready for DH to just up & leave so every argument seems to end with me screeching 'well just fuck off then'. He's had enough of it & has cut himself off too. We can be civilised as long as we don't spend too much time together but there's this horrible emptiness to it all... Sorry, bit of a ramble!

Crap dads - for life, not just for Christmas!

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