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about DH and ex wife?

(37 Posts)
stayoutofthewater Mon 06-Jun-11 07:49:21

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years. I am due to have our first baby any day now but he's been away on a course with work for 6 weeks.

During weekends he's been able to get a lift with a friend who lives nearby, so he can see his DC from his first marriage. I am sad that he is missing out on the last stages of my pregnancy, but we wouldn't have been able to afford the travel home at weekends anyway and it's great that he can spend some time with his DC. (the DC are mid-late teens)

DH's ex wife has not long split from her boyfriend. Prior to the split she wouldn't have anything to do with DH and made things awkward for him often. Now she is single she has been very accomodating with DH, cooking him dinner at weekends when he sees the DC, all of them sitting in watching films together, going out for meals all together. All of which is obviously great for the DC, and I am happy about that, but in my pregnant and insecure state it worries me.

I mentioned to DH that I was a bit concerned about him spending so much time with his ex. Not least as when we met they'd been split for several years and he told me he was still in love her, she was the love of his life, he still wanted to get back with her etc. (at first ours was a casual relationship) I admit to having always felt second best to her and like DH was with me as he couldn't have her. Also, I feel that if she gets a new partner/boyfriend, DH will have to take a back seat again when seeing his DC, which is a bit unfair to them.

Anyway, DH said there was nothing in it and I was worrying for nothing. Then yesterday he text me to let me know what him and the DC had been doing and later when I rang him I said it sounded like fun, maybe my DC would like it, was it expensive? It was, but eventually he admitted his ex had paid for it and now he was treating them all to dinner out. So, he'd spent the whole day with her, despite me telling him about my (probably unreasonable) fears and that at the moment I'd prefer if he didn't spend time with her.

DH has done a few things, fairly minor I suppose, no actual cheating, that have caused me to question my trust for him, despite having trusted him completely our entire relationship. I feel like he is doing nothing to reassure me now when I need it and he keeps getting angry with me if I say I can't trust him.

AIBU to not want DH to spend quite so much time with his ex wife? I admit I am jealous, I can't do anything fun at the moment and am likely to have a baby attached to my breasts for the next year or so, which does not really go hand in hand with keeping our marriage alive, does it?!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 06-Jun-11 07:53:50

YANBU.... go with your gut instinct. He's playing Happy Families a little too convincingly and, if it makes you uncomfortable, that's valid.

Numberfour Mon 06-Jun-11 07:55:44

YANBU. I agree with CogitoErgoSometimes. Sorry to have to say that because I know that it will not make you feel any better.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 06-Jun-11 08:01:56

I wouldn't like this either. While it's important that he sees his DC, it's also important that he supports you during your pg and is thoughtful and caring of your feelings. The fact that you are uncomfortable about this should be enough for him to alter his behaviour so that he sees his children, without spending lots of time with their mum.

I'd get him to come home at the weekends. It won't kill his kids not to see him for a couple of weeks, they are teenagers and capable of understanding that he has a commitment to you too.

Can the DC stay at yours for the weekend?

niceguy2 Mon 06-Jun-11 08:12:40

YANBU to have those feelings. However, it's what you do next which is important.

Screeching that he must come home at the weekend and that you are jealous of him spending time with his DC's (and ex) isn't going to endear yourself to him. You'll just come across as the hormonal unreasonable/untrusting one whilst his ex is there treating him and having a right good laugh about the good old days.........

Personally I'd bite my lip for now given its not a permanent arrangement. Just be extra nice, remind him of how much you are missing him and how you'd love him to be home to share the last stages of pregnancy and to help you in your hour of need.

At the end of the day, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Nothing you do or say at this stage will change it.

stayoutofthewater Mon 06-Jun-11 09:37:57

Thankyou. Tbh, I expected that no-one would possibly think IWNBU.

It's not possible for his DC to stay with us, due to distance.

Niceguy, sadly it's a bit late for that. He knows I was upset and trying to discuss it with him ended in a row and with him saying I 'am all over him like a rash'. sad I admit I might have been a bit naggish lately, mainly about money as we're supposed to be trying to save, only he's still spending lots and I feel like he's being very inconsiderate of my feelings. He's been very keen whilst he's away to not 'be stuck doing nothing at weekends', only that is exactly what I am having to do as we don't have any family or many friends nearby.

saffronwblue Mon 06-Jun-11 09:45:19

Is there a plan in place to get him to you quickly if/when your labour starts? (I realise this is not the purpose of the thread but can imagine that that would make you a bit jumpy.)

I would not like the cosy happy families number - ExW sounds very controlling as if when she wants to be close it is OK and when she wants to push him away she will. Great way for him to be still hooked in. Of course it is important for him to spend time with his kids but if he is spending more money on outings than you can afford, that is very hard too.
Haven't really got any advice just wanted to say that YANBU and it will all change when the baby comes.

ScroobiousPip Mon 06-Jun-11 10:00:33

stayoutofthewater - YANBU.

You say his DC can't come to stay because of the distance. But what is going to happen when your baby arrives? Presumably your DP isn't planning to spend every weekend away visiting them? I'd say you need to get your long term plans sorted now. Why is your DP catching a lift - doesn't he have a car? IMO, he needs to make arrangements for his DCs to start visiting you at weekends, even if that means he does the driving to and fro.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 06-Jun-11 10:01:06

I think he's being very selfish and if I'm brutally honest, it doesn't sound as though your husband is fully committed to you. I wouldn't blame the ex wife for this because she doesn't owe you anything, but your husband does and he is actively choosing to spend money you don't have and choosing to be away from you when he doesn't have to be with his DC every weekend. I find that when people are at fault, they start accusing the person complaining of 'nagging', basically trying to put the blame on the innocent party so they don't have to face the fact that they are behaving badly.

I don't think that talking on the phone is going to help much. If he was mine I'd tell him that you want him home this weekend and then lay everything on the line. Does he know how lonely you are at weekends, while he's having a great time? I think he needs to hear about this from your perspective - don't be screachy because then he will be able to dismiss your concerns as ranting and will feel justified (unjustifiably) in doing so. But, be blunt.

When it comes down to it, he's married to you and should be caring for you and thinking about you and wanting to be with you. If he's rather be elsewhere then this is a problem. Sorry to be so blunt

stayoutofthewater Mon 06-Jun-11 10:09:28

I'm a bit wary of giving too much info as I've obviously namechanged for this. blush

The DSC can't visit as often as we'd like because we live a plane ride away atm. We are moving due to DH's job later this year, but will still be a plane ride or 8-10 hour drive away. So, these weekends when he is nearby are a great opportunity for him to see them much more than he usually would and I am fine with that.

Once the baby is born we will have to live apart until the house move, this was mainly my decision due to my own DC's schooling and wanting them to finish their school year. If I go into labour, hopefully he would get back in time, but we are both aware he may not. One of the reasons we want to save money is the house move and also so DH can come home as much as possible once the baby is here.

I don't know if I want to see him this weekend, although I agree, it's impossible to talk about this on the phone. I feel so angry with him right now and I had convinced myself I was being completely irrational and going a bit mad.

I agree it doesn't seem like I am his priority. Now we have had a row he will ignore me unless I get in touch with him, the same as has always happened if we have had a row. I'm sick of it, but yet I am sat here like an idiot thinking maybe I should text/ring him, but I know that is mainly because I am just sat here with nothing to really do and no-one to talk to.

LolaRennt Mon 06-Jun-11 10:15:11

YANBU, also I think your dh is being a bit of an arse, your situation would make anyone feel insecure but when you are about to have a baby its probably a million times worse.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 06-Jun-11 10:17:24

You can talk to us.

Have you thought about putting this on the relationships board. There are some very wise people over there who may be able to give you concrete advice.

From what you are saying here, your husband is not coming across all that nice so maybe think about the practicalities (money,housing) if things do go pear shaped. Do you work too? If so then I think I'd be reluctant to give that up to follow DH as things stand at present.

ENormaSnob Mon 06-Jun-11 10:19:57

Yanbu

I would hit the roof over this tbh.

Without wanting to upset you op, I smell a rat.

TakeMeDrunkImHome Mon 06-Jun-11 10:20:53

YADNBU I actually feel very angry on your behalf. What the hell is he playing at. To say you are "all over him like a rash" is a horrible patronising thing to say and like a previous poster has commented, it is often the behaviour of a guilty party to try and turn the other person into the villain of the piece, I really don't think you should be bowed here - you are NOT the villain!

His absolute priority should be his pregnant wife and doing whatever he can to make sure you feel relaxed and happy and he is not doing that right now. If he is the kind of spoilt immature wanky manchild person who will ignore you after a row then I certainly wouldn't be doing the chasing after and apologising. Don't text or ring him until you are much much calmer as he will just accuse you of being hormonal/screechy.

ChangeDeNom Mon 06-Jun-11 10:22:40

Gosh what a horrible situation you're in. His not being there with you must make it doubly hard because you're likely to be bottling up all your feelings until you see him, then they come spilling out (understandably).

What was he like before his ex split from her last boyfriend?

thegruffalosma Mon 06-Jun-11 10:32:19

Your DH should be reassuring you definitely. If he's putting cosy dinners with the ex w above that then something is wrong. Can't he take the kids somewhere when he visits? I don't know where - somewhere good for teens and a cheap and cheerful lunch?
DH would be getting an ultimatum if it were me - you or the ex w.

darleneoconnor Mon 06-Jun-11 10:33:05

Did he want this baby? He doesnt seem that interested in it/you tbh. Are you both happy spending so much time apart? Personally i dont think 'absense makes the heart grow fonder'.

confuddledDOTcom Mon 06-Jun-11 10:36:15

I've only skim read this but YANBU and it sounds familiar!

My OH and his XW were like this when we met, doing things "as a family" "for the boys" I kept telling him it wasn't appropriate and eventually got cross and said they weren't a family and all it was doing was confusing the boys! Strangely as soon as she got a new boyfriend he was given a lot more space with the children.

During this pregnancy he's been working away and between that and seeing his boys we've seen him once a fortnight so I can really understand how hard it is being alone in pregnancy, I'd have hated his relationship with XW to have been like it was before too.

stayoutofthewater Mon 06-Jun-11 10:40:35

Thankyou again.

He's pretty much always jumped to his ex wife's tune tbh. In part that is because he wanted as much access to his DC though and if he has ever disagreed with her or argued with he rn anything, she has always put the phone down on him and often then refused to answer it for a week or two so he couldn't speak to the DC. Obviously this has got easier as his DC have got older and have mobiles, answer the phone themselves etc.

His reason for spending the day with exW yesterday was that she had nothing to do and offered to pay for the day out when DSD expressed a wish to go there and DH said it was too expensive. I did try and say to him that he already knew that I was uncomfortable with him spending so much time with her and why didn't he just say he'd rather spend his last day alone with them doing something. He just said I am BU. Tbh, I would rather he had spent the money himself than spend the day with his ex.

He's not always an arse. He's great when he is here and I know this baby means so much to him. He insists he loves me and his baby and that I am his 'gorgeous wife', but although he says that, he never makes me feel gorgeous.

I am very tempted to spend some money on myself. I was due to make a hair appointment (last one before baby) for this week and I am thinking that maybe I could book myself in for later on in the week for a spray tan, manicure and maybe a pedicure/reflexology or something similar to make myself feel a bit better. Not sure if a spray tan would look awful when it started to wear off though or not be a good idea because of breast feeding?

stayoutofthewater Mon 06-Jun-11 10:43:35

He very much wants this baby. Sometimes I feel he wouldn't still be with me if it wasn't for the baby, although he denies that is true. His ex left him when their DC were very young and he says he is looking forward to a proper chance to be a Dad and be there all the time for his child.

lettinggo Mon 06-Jun-11 10:45:52

YAabsolutleyNBU and he's being a total dickhead. Without a shadow of doubt, you should be his absolute priority right now and to tell you you were "all over him like a rash" was just plain mean and nasty and very demeaning of you.

DO NOT PHONE OR TEXT HIM. If that's how your long distance fights are normally resolved, he's sitting back waiting for you to contact him. And then things will progress as they normally do. If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same result.

You're 9 months pregnant. He has to contact you this time. I would just leave him to stew. It might take him several days to realise that you're not going to contact him but he'll cop on eventually. You say he may or may not make it back from where he is in time for the birth. I know this is you first DC with him, just wonder do you have other children to make arrangements for while you're having the baby? Have you an alternative birth partner lined up? I'd have someone on standby I would be totally stubborn now and not contact him at all. If he doesn't make the first move, then he's a complete shit and you have bigger problems than him being too friendly with his ex.

I know it's not the MN thing to do, but I wish I could give you a hug. When I was at the end of my pregnancy, I was a bundle of nerves, very emotional and at this time, your DH should be agreeing with everything you say even if you say black is white, just because he loves you.

stayoutofthewater Mon 06-Jun-11 10:52:42

"If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same result"

Thankyou, I know this is true and I know I have to be strong.

My Mum is coming over at the end of the week, so she will be here if I want her to be my birthing partner and I do have a few friends who can help with the DC if I need them to.

My next door neighbour has just rang me to say she is going to Tesco if I want to go along with her (she is on maternity leave atm) so I am going to go. I need some shopping and was going to put it off and go to the local shop when I did the school run later, but it'll get me out of the house and my mind off things.

MooMooFarm Mon 06-Jun-11 10:53:35

OP YANBU - definitely not. He is not being fair to you - even if you weren't pregnant. But you are so he should be bending over backwards to support you, not giving you more reason to get stressed out. Yes he has to maintain a friendly (but distant) relationship with his ex for the sake of his DC, but they are not little children, so the ex doesn't really need to be involved at all IMO.

How much longer does he have to go of working away?

SmethwickBelle Mon 06-Jun-11 11:04:43

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd strongly strongly suggest not calling him, in fact switching your phone off and making alternative arrangements should you go into labour, not because of any sort of vindictiveness, just to keep yourself calm as it sounds like he's raising your blood pressure a treat.

Focusing on yourself is a great idea - get your hair etc.. done - I am sure I had a fake tan in the last few weeks of pregnancy first time round, if you're worried cover your boobies ;)

springydaffs Mon 06-Jun-11 12:41:33

This stood out for me - that you feel like you're going mad. Ime I have felt I was 'going mad' when someone was doing me over - ie they were doing my head in by presenting something that didn't add up.

It is terribly unfair and selfish for him to be doing this now - or not doing what he should be doing, which is supporting you to the hilt. It sounds from what you've said that you have lived in the shadow of his ex on one level re he told you at the start that he was in love with her, she was the love of his life etc and somehow your relationship became establised on that, that you were second best - maybe you accepted second best? Well, now you're first best, she is 2nd (or 100th) and it's time he put his eggs firmly in the one basket - yours. Someone said upthread that she doesn't owe you anything - I don't agree: you are his wife and about to give birth - what kind of woman would keep your husband from you? She sounds very selfish indeed angry

You are not going mad OP. He is not being fair. Please, don't contact him. You deserve much more than you are getting atm from him - let him do the running. Please don't listen to him when he says you are 'all over him like a rash' - if there is any time it is legitimate to be 'all over' your husband, it is now. xxx

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