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To ask inlaws not to smoke around my 10 week old DD in their own home...

(59 Posts)
1Catherine1 Mon 06-Jun-11 02:37:57

Going to stay with the inlaws for 2 weeks (I have no say in the matter) at the end of the month and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm a non smoker so the smell is awful to me but I grew up around smokers so I'm not rude about it. My OH smokes but not in the house and he isn't allowed to hold DD for at least half an hour after smoking.

Last time I visited the inlaws I barely ate anything as not only do they smoke but they smoke at the dining table which put me completely off my food but as it is their home I said nothing and just thanked them and told them I was full.

I don't like to make a fuss and if it is just me putting up with it then I'll shut up and bare it but it's bothering me because of my DD.

Would it be unreasonable for me to ask them not to smoke in the same room as my DD while in their home? Is it unreasonable to tell them not to hold the baby while they smell of smoke? Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

I can't speak to OH about this as he is convinced I hate his parents (I don't)... That is a whole different story but if I bring this up and I am being unreasonable then it will only reinforce his belief that I hate them confused IYSWIM

SouthStar Mon 06-Jun-11 02:44:18

yanbu, altho you never know they may do it anyway. You need to talk to your oh and get him on side

Madandbad Mon 06-Jun-11 02:50:33

Am in a similar boat and have basically left the room with kids each time they have lit up, no matter how I'll timed this might seem and returned when the air has cleared.

I don't think it would be right to tell them what to do in their own home, but you should absolutely do what's right for you and baby!

MadamDeathstare Mon 06-Jun-11 02:53:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 06-Jun-11 02:56:23

Can I ask why you have no say in having to stay with in-laws for two weeks with a tiny baby, when your partner and his parents are convinced you hate them? It sounds to me that there's more going on than the smoking.

ifitsnotanarse Mon 06-Jun-11 02:56:33

YANBU. Why do you have to stay with IL and for so long? Can they not come and stay with you for a shorter period? That way you can control the smoking i.e. not in the house. Can't believe people will smoke around children. sad

allthefires Mon 06-Jun-11 02:57:56

YANBU about the smoking

YABu to say you have no say in the matter about staying with them. Shorten the stay and reside at a B & B. Refuse to go to house (havent they seen the recent ads about chemicals lingering) meet them at a netural location

Iteotwawki Mon 06-Jun-11 06:01:16

You are being unreasonable to take a 10 week old baby into that atmosphere. Stay somewhere else (hotel, B&B, etc) or don't go at all.

Could they come and stay near you for a couple of weeks, visit your house and not smoke inside it?

fannybaws Mon 06-Jun-11 06:23:35

Passive smoking increases the chances of sudden infant death.
I would have a chat before hand with DH and get him to tell ILs not to smoke in the same room as baby.
If they don't agree don't stay there.

attethersend Mon 06-Jun-11 06:40:15

YANBU but it can be a real minefield. Both my parents smoke, though neither DH nor I do. They promised not to smoke around the kids but their idea of what is acceptable and ours are not the same. It doesn't count if they're outside for instance, and having a cigarette and then putting it out and taking us into an already smoke filled room is also considered to be ok.

I find it really difficult and I think it is actually more difficult for me to raise it with them because they're my parents. One problem is that they are so used to it that they just don't notice when the atmosphere is smoky, although they do know it's been shown to be bad for children in practice I do think there's an element of "well it never did any of ours any harm, stop fussing". If I were you I'm try to make some sort of excuse to stay elsewhere, because even if they start off with the best of intentions, it'll probably lapse by the end of the stay.

Punkatheart Mon 06-Jun-11 06:45:39

Explain how tiny your babies lung are.....then remove yourself and your baby from the atmosphere. Even carrying smoke on clothes has an effect..it's not good...

saffy85 Mon 06-Jun-11 06:52:47

YANBU I know stuff like this can be a minefield but I really think you should say something. All you're asking is that they don't smoke infront of your baby and possibly make her ill (or worse). Are you sure you can't stay elsewhere? It does sound like there will be a slightly unpleasent atmosphere anyway (your DP thinks you hate his parents). I wouldn't want to spend 2 weeks with my inlaws and we now get on!

twofalls Mon 06-Jun-11 06:54:08

Yanbu and to be honest I am concerned you have no say in staying with your in-laws for 2 weeks with a tiny baby. You should have a say and you should say no. Is there other stuff going on?

What does your dh think about them smoking around his baby. He really needs to be the one to talk to them butit sounds like you can't discuss this with him either. Not a great situation all round.

ledkr Mon 06-Jun-11 06:57:58

No you are not being unreasonable but you will be if you or oh dont ask what they intend to do about smoking. I have a few puffing relatives-my Mum included and they wouldnt dream of smoking around the baby and when they come up they dont have a smoke any time before if they are planning a cuddle,this is largely because they love their grand daughter/little sister/neice. I would be very suprised if a grandparent would choose to put their new randchild at risk.
The research hs been done and the findings are clear re sids,why risk it?

cherub59 Mon 06-Jun-11 06:58:33

Hi Catherine - think we are same post natal thread!
I had same prob with chain smoking in laws. Solved prob by saying to dh I was not taking kids to stay in smokey environment and being extremely blunt about it to in laws. I think there are things you just have to put your foot down on such as your childrens health. Parents in law stopped smoking inside their house whilst during day when we are there tho still stinks! And FIL thinks ok to light up next to them outside setting in my mind a bad example but I won the main issue.
I have to wash EVERYTHING we take to theirs whether worn or not when we get home as it all stinks if smoke.

bonkers20 Mon 06-Jun-11 07:04:22

Unless your DH and your ILs are stupid then they will know it's not good to smoke around babies, so in the event that you can't get your DH to support you I think you would be well in your rights to up and leave to another room when they light up. Simply get up saying "I'm going to take the baby away from the smoke, I'll be back in a mo". If they find that offensive then leave!

We didn't visit some family members for years because they smoked in their small upstairs flat (no garden).

Two weeks with people who your DH think you hate sounds rather grim.

lynehamrose Mon 06-Jun-11 07:05:04

Why do you 'have' to stay with your in laws for 2'weeks, without any say in the matter.
If I can be perfectly honest, this sounds more an issue between you and your dh than with your in laws. Tell him that you think its very wrong to knowingly put your child at this increased risk. He is her parent too- surely he'll understand that? And while you're at it I would strongly urge him to give up smoking, as even with the precautions he is taking , it DOES increase the risk to the child, and will also put your kids at an increased risk of smoking themselves later. It will also put him in a stronger position with his parents if he gives up .they will probably not take him seriously if he asks them not to smoke in their house while nipping out for a fag himself

KristinaM Mon 06-Jun-11 07:12:20

This ASHreport outines some of the health risks to children of second hand smoke. YABU to expose your baby to this.

Your baby's health is more important than not making a fuss. You need a new plan, you can't stay with them. People who smoke at the table when there is a non smoker present will not stop for a tiny baby. You and your partner need to have a serious conversation about this

controlpantsandgladrags Mon 06-Jun-11 07:12:57

Of course you have a say in the matter.........unless DH is planning to kidnap you and take you against your will! I wouldn't take a baby into that environment, no matter what. Tell DH he is free to stay with his parents if he wants, but you will be staying in a B&B or hotel. Print out some info on the damage passive smoking can do and give it to him to read.

I also can't believe there are people out there who still think it's ok to smoke around children.

midori1999 Mon 06-Jun-11 07:16:26

YANBU, but tbh I wouldn't go at all to a house for two weeks where someone smoked with a tiny baby.

I don't smoke and stayed with my DM (who has since given up) who smoked for a few days when I was pregnant early last year. She knows I hate the smell of smoke, so aired the place well and smoked outside whilst I was there, but the smell still made me feel very sick.

There's no way I'd expose a baby to a house where people smoked, even if they went outside when I was actually there and baby would have to come first, so although I'd try and be tactful and polite, it wouldn't matter to me if I upset people if they became unreasonable about it.

juneau Mon 06-Jun-11 07:20:41

I wouldn't take my baby into a smoking house either - not even for one night - let alone two weeks. You really need to talk to your DH and get him on side about this if there is absolutely no way you can get out of staying with them. Smoking is a huge risk for SIDS - does you DH understand that?

I actually had a similar problem with my FIL as he's a pipe smoker and has no clue (and doesn't actually give a shi*t), about passive smoking, etc. My DH had to ask him not to smoke around me when I was pregnant and when our son was in their house, but he still 'forgot' and lit up. I'd just get up and leave the room immediately when it happened and let my DH deal with it as I wasn't going to confront his dad in his own home, but I would never stay in their house.

rainbowinthesky Mon 06-Jun-11 07:25:23

I wouldnt go. You need to be assertive about this. Tbh it makes your case harder considering your dh smokes.

Wormshuffler Mon 06-Jun-11 07:28:59

We had this problem when our DC's were younger, the in laws have now given up though. We just put up with it, as apart from the smoking they were really good grand-parents and I needed them to help with baby sitting. I don't think the exposure of a few hours a week is detrimental to their health although I did hate that they would stink of smoke.
My SinL made a fuss and had certain clothes they were to wear just to go there. The in laws were really hurt by it. As through their eyes their own children had been brought up around smoke and it had done them no harm. It has caused the relationship between them to be extremely strained, and SinL is seen as "just being awkward".
Thank god they stopped, but the damage to their relationship has never gone away, SinL is still seen as awkward and not really liked at all.

HeadfirstForHalos Mon 06-Jun-11 07:30:47

Can you get your midwife to discuss the dangers of smoking around newborns, while you're dh is present? If it comes from a neutral party he may be more supportive.

StrawberryMewMew Mon 06-Jun-11 07:32:35

Before I found out I was pregnant, my friends and their baby had come to my house.

I had thoughtlessly went to light up. Normally I would never have thought about doing this btw! And my friend told me not to before I did.

I did not feel like they were being rude, in fact I was thankful they reminded me.

YANBU

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