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to think i am not being disloyal.

(6 Posts)
holyShmoley Sun 05-Jun-11 09:12:48

i am in contact with my BIL's ex. It isn't very frequent: birthdays; Xmas and anniversary of their childs passing away.

I have some insight into how her life has improved vastly moved on since they finally split, but tell her nothing of his, and him nothing of her's.

My DH knows we text occassionally, but doesn't like it and thinks i'm being disloyal to his family (and him). I feel it is a matter of integrity. BIL would let know me how furious he was if he knew I had any contact.

AIBU, and am i being disloyal.

bupcakesandcunting Sun 05-Jun-11 09:23:52

You are not being disloyal, unless they split up because she cheated on him/drained their joint account and ran off to Hawaii with his best mate...

I would hate to choose sides if my BIL and his wife split.

Icelollycraving Sun 05-Jun-11 09:30:10

Yanbu. I hate it when suddenly because a couple have split up all friends etc have to choose. If they drifted apart & there was nothing horrific then continue,if she had an affair,got pregnant by someone else or went at him with an axe then yabu.

aldiwhore Sun 05-Jun-11 09:31:30

Its not for you to be 'loyal' to your BIL, and I don't think remaining friends with his ex is being disloyal to anyone anyway. You're being descreet about it, your not ringing your BIL and telling him how happy she is are you?

I'm good friends with my brother's ex girlfriend, and my sister's ex boyfriend. I have respect for both my sister and brother, and wouldn't invite them all around for dinner at the same time, but at the same time my brother and sister respect my right to have the friends I want. None of them were right for each other in a relationship, my brother's ex girlfriend turned into an utter nightmare of a woman (by her own admittence) but that doesn't mean that we can't be mates... considering the complete change in both her and my brother when they split, I have to assume they just brough out the worste in each other!

I really hate this Mafia style of family who throw the word 'loyalty' around constantly. I am very loyal to my brother and sister, they're my best friends, they will always have my support.... but I can choose my own friends, because I am loyal to myself.

It is difficult when people split. As a sibling/friend you've been asked to accept this other person, to get on with them, you know their intimate details, you grow to love them, then suddenly you're told you are not 'allowed' to continue your friendship? WHAT?

Your DH is BU. Your friendship with your BIL's ex doesn't even ever have to be mentioned, but it certainly shouldn't be 'banned'. Tsk.

aldiwhore Sun 05-Jun-11 09:33:03

Sorry about the spelling. blush

PhilipJFry Sun 05-Jun-11 10:10:25

You aren't being disloyal at all. I think it's really quite childish to have to line up against her and cut her out- what good will that do? This seems to be less a matter of loyalty and more of your husband being upset you aren't copying what he and his family are doing, which is very different.

You're doing it exactly right by the way: you aren't betraying any confidences, causing trouble, passing on information that could make things difficult for your BIL or the ex. If that were the case there'd be grounds for asking you to stop saying certain things, but even then I think it'd be wrong to demand you stop contacting her.

I find it foul that you've been told this notion of loyalty is more important than, say, extending some comfort to a woman on the anniversary of her dead child.

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