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Going Out Cancelled

(21 Posts)
GrownUpNow Sat 04-Jun-11 13:58:34

There is a guy. I am fond of him. He is a friend just now, but has not been quiet about fancying me and wanting to be more. He has also been good about waiting as I told him I am not ready for a relationship and would like to build a friendship first.

We were meant to be going on a date tonight, a meal at a chinese buffet. I have been fancying this for the past couple of months and am doubly glad to have his good company with me.

Going out necessitates having a sitter. I am a lone parent, so I tend to save asking family for favours for big things, like hospital appointments or the like, and occasionally so I can get out. I was looking forward to getting out and about, having a reason to wear a pretty dress and some nice shoes, and to some food I've fancied for ages.

He has cancelled the night out. He has found work (builder) and the travel costs mean he cannot afford to fund the night. Fair enough.

He offers a night in and a chinese. Or he can cook something. I offer to pay half. He refuses based on being old-fashioned and feeling it necessary to pay.

Would you cancel the night out on the basis that the meal out would only cost him the same as a takeaway or cooked meal if he let you pay, given that you really wanted the buffet and that you don't want to use up good will on babysitting to go around the corner, when he could just as easily come to yours and you could have a takeaway any night of the week? AIBU to point out to him that it would be better to just postpone our date for once he gets a wage if he is going to be chauvinistic about who should pay and who shouldn't?

fivegomadindorset Sat 04-Jun-11 14:07:38


LIZS Sat 04-Jun-11 14:08:15

Frbakly you dontl sound that keen to see him. You are being snooty about the alternatvies (no way is a takeaway or cooking at home the same as a meal out even with costs shared) . If you rather save the babysitter host at yours .

DontCallMePeanut Sat 04-Jun-11 14:09:30

YABU and don't sound THAT keen, tbh.

PigletJohn Sat 04-Jun-11 14:10:52

surely you aren't going to get all hung up on the cost, are you? FFS you can cook something for next time.

He will probably feel more comfortable letting you share costs later on. You can afford to let him play being gallant at least once.

BluddyMoFo Sat 04-Jun-11 14:11:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletJohn Sat 04-Jun-11 14:12:24

p.s. if you "postpone" like you have suggested you might not get asked again. Even insensitive men try to detect when they aren't wanted.

GrownUpNow Sat 04-Jun-11 14:25:03

I've managed to negotiate him into me paying half, that way he is not paying any more than he would on a takeaway.

I am definitely keen, but it's a not right at the moment sort of keen as I just got out of a couple of yuck relationships last year, and whilst having him at mine I feel comfortable that he wouldn't make any sexual advances as I've been clear about that not happening around the kids, I would worry that he might at his house and I would hate to have to rebuff him because I don't want to base this on sex, but on friendship, time spent together and develop intimacy in the future when I've dealt with some other emotional stuff. Does that make sense?

I also just get a bee in my bonnet about not being allowed to be independent and pay my way sometimes. I accept that he prefers to pay, but he has to accept also that I prefer to pay too sometimes.

tallulahxhunny Sat 04-Jun-11 17:39:46

omg no wonder you are single!!! you sound totally rude

tethersend Sat 04-Jun-11 17:42:45

YANBU at all.

You wanted to go out. You can pay to go out.

You should go out.

tethersend Sat 04-Jun-11 17:44:23

It's a Chinese buffet, not a la carte at The Ivy. It would not cost much more than a takeaway.

ColonelBrandonsBiggestGroupie Sat 04-Jun-11 17:46:16


cannydoit Sat 04-Jun-11 17:52:12

sounds to me like you were looking forward to going out more than you were to seeing him, my advice would be find a friend to go out with and postpone your date for a night when he has more cash. also sounds to me like he has ideas of perhaps making tonight in to a bit of a sex evening.

Icelollycraving Sat 04-Jun-11 17:52:51

Yabu. He is offering perfectly nice alternatives to a buffet (ones I'd prefer anyway!). You can still put on a nice dress. He sounds nice & patient,don't think you will be sending out pounce on my now vibes so go to his house & enjoy a childfree evening!
Take a really nice bottle of wine or two so then you feel you are paying your way.

GrownUpNow Sat 04-Jun-11 18:15:26

Haha. No wonder I am single?

I used to be a walkover, and now I'm doing what makes me happy, if that means I am rude, then so be it. My ex-before last hit me out of jealousy for having a giggle with a female friend and my ex was lazy and left me to do everything whilst he stayed in bed all day, I've been honest with this friend about having to deal with emotional issues before I am anywhere ready to have a relationship, and I respect him too much to just have sex with him and bugger his feelings, but I am also doing what I want to do now and this is a part of it. He accepts me as who I am or not.

Yes going out was a part of it, but being able to go out is limited, and I'd rather keep my babysitting for that. Plus he was being silly with the whole chivalry thing. I know he's amazingly lovely, and he has nothing to prove.

Logically, a buffet and drinks will cost us just less than £20 each. A takeaway would cost the same. I offered a solution that I preferred that he had not considered, nothing wrong with having a preference just because he is being nice I think.

SunshineisSorry Sat 04-Jun-11 18:16:50

YABU id love for someone to offer me a romantic evening in, and i've been with my DP for 20 years, 20 years on monday even and no inkling of a night out or romantic evening in with a chinese sad

troisgarcons Sat 04-Jun-11 18:17:55

Cancelling a dateat a buffet, which are really quite cheap!

he's hoping to come round to yours, ply you with wine and get his leg over!

thumbwitch Sat 04-Jun-11 18:22:33

If you spend most of your time within the same 4 walls and rarely get outside of them then I can see why you would be disappointed at not getting a change of scenery and still ending up with the washing up. But OTOH, it should be more about the meal and the company, no? So if you're still getting that, then YABa bitU to be irritated by it.

Enjoy your night in - you can talk more comfortably in your own home anyway - assuming that you won't be interrupted by the children at any point.

But do make it clear that next time you would like to actually get out of the house, and you're more than happy to pay your way to achieve that.

GrownUpNow Sat 04-Jun-11 18:24:11

His leg is going nowhere but home when we are finished our evening out. smile

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 04-Jun-11 18:27:16

OP, YANBU. I would not consider a night in with a takeaway as being anywhere close to being an acceptable alternative to a planned and much-anticipated night out at a restaurant. Not with my husband of thirteen years and ABSOLUTELY NOT at this stage of a possible relationship.

helenthemadex Sat 04-Jun-11 20:47:00

good for you being honest about what you really want is a good basis for a relationship

have a lovely evening

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