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my friend constantly using the single parent argument...Like I should feel guilty for not being a single parent as my life is obviously soooo much better

(53 Posts)
boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 21:39:34

I think today she has just used the "its ok for you your not a single parent" just once too often sad

I said that she had to stop using it as a sympathy vote and there are plenty of single parnets out hter who are stong and independent and getting on with life and their family....

I know the problems that single parenting can bring but her arguemtns are always financial related....even though I have DP he is a sahd at the moment and so we have one income too....

I think Im just sick o the arguement...I have a lot of respect for single parents <<<trying not to be patronising>>> but sometimes...just sometimes, i too would like to make a decision without having to consult and deliberate grin

Anyway my friend was upset with me, possibly rightly so, but I just think that somtimes whatever the problem we have in our lives the more we go on about it the bigger it gets <<in our heads that is>> and sometimes we just have to realise that that is our life and we need to just make the best of it becasue moaning about it isnt going to help anyone, I have been there and listened and listened and helped but today I think i had listened enough

ohmyfucksy Fri 03-Jun-11 21:41:47

YANBU. Basically, some people just like to whine on and on at their friends, because they think they will take it. Well, no. People don't want to be lectured at, especially about something that isn't their fault (her being a single parent). It's rude. I think you had to tell her.

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 21:44:09

I can take a bit of whining I mean that is what friends are for...to listen and be sympathetic...

I just feel it is a bit of a grudge thing now sad

ZXEightyMum Fri 03-Jun-11 21:45:04

Well there are single parents and single parents. Some have no support from friends, family and ex partners, some do. Some work, some just can't. Some have financial support and / or time off at the weekend although this often comes at a price hmm

Some married people have decent husbands and some have utter gits. That's very difficult. Many have something in-between.

What was the actual issue OP?

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 21:55:39

the issue this time was what we could do over the summer holidays and I had mentioned it would be nice to maybe take all the kids to a couple of nice places - day trips etc...DP doesnt tend to go as hes not really one for say trips so my friend and I often go and take the kids...not problem and I dont mind DP not going smile

and try as I might looking at ways to make a cheap day out as cheap as possible I just couldnt please her...I just though a couple of days would break things up and give us all something nice to look forward to..instead of what will happen ...he staying in all holidays moaning about never getting to take the kids anywhere and me feeling bad as I have saved in advance and dug out 2 for 1 tickets etc...

she just sneered at me that it was ok for me as I had DP here to lean on and she had no one...<<in my head I was thinking im not surprised..thankfully i didnt say that>>>

Now I could e someoen who moans at DP because he doesnt come out with us on day trips...but i think, well that is his choice, he does a lot with the kids and i think sometimes he likes his own space....i could moan about it but really where would it get me?...so i accept it, it is no big deal and tbh i do better to save me moaning for somthing worth crying about...<just trying to draw an analogy>

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 21:56:56

and zx that was my thinking exactly...sometimes rather be a happy single parent than someone in a disasterous realtionship

TheFrogs Fri 03-Jun-11 21:57:02

Depends on what the conversation was about I suppose?

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 21:58:45

xpost frogs smile

TheFrogs Fri 03-Jun-11 22:01:47

ah cross posted! So you suggested days out and she sneered at you? There was no more to it than that? In that case she should think herself lucky she has at least one friend who wants to know her.

TheFrogs Fri 03-Jun-11 22:03:32

and by that I dont mean she's a horrible person, I mean a lot of single parents find themselves left out when all their friends are partnered up....it came out soooo wrong grin

TattyDevine Fri 03-Jun-11 22:03:49

My sister in law is always doing that - her children are grown up now - but she'll see me juggling something or other and she'll say "I had to do it all on my own!"

But she didn't - she practically lived at her mum and dad's house, who were in the next street, she was over there all day every day. She'd sleep there 4 nights out of 7. And her ex husband would have the kids on the weekend (not ALL weekend but overnight and for a whole day)

So whilst I don't engage in any coversation or to and fro on the subject, I can't help but think with my husband travelling abroad for work at least once a month, no parents, sisters, brothers, inlaws to "help" or "babysit" and him doing long hours when he is in the UK, I think I probably have to do more than she did on my actual "lonesome"

Okay so she was lacking a certain support or whatever that you get from having a partner, but when something needed doing at her house that she couldn't do, her father did it, when something came up that she couldn't afford to pay for, her parents bought it. She didn't have it as bad as she could have!

IprivateI Fri 03-Jun-11 22:03:54

I think she's just jealous. Ugh...I hate whingey types.

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 22:04:35

no more to it frogs....and my reaction was possibly a little ott <in my head iykwim>

I have just had enough as there are many similar situations where I feel I have to be guilty of having my partner there with me and that I should go out into the garden and flog myself smile

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 22:06:25

Iprivate....I can tolerate a whinger for a while if life is genuinely being tough but habitual whinging, I cant bear it

greencolorpack Fri 03-Jun-11 22:07:42

MIL does this... however hard we have it, she always has the trump card cos she's "all on her own" sob and "at least you two have each other." Yeah cos life's one long Broadway musical for us cos we're married. [sarcasm]

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 22:09:05

lolol greencolorpack.......does he serenade you whilst you butter the toast smile

ninah Fri 03-Jun-11 22:09:17

the single parent thing is a red herring
she's overdoing the moaning!

Birdsgottafly Fri 03-Jun-11 22:09:53

It depends on how long it has gone on for. I went through a stage were i felt very alone and worried about how things would go. I am a strong person with educational ability so was able to improve my situation, but not everyone is able to but you then do just have to make the best of it.

Only you know if she is starting to get a bit down, you pulling her up will do her a favour by making her address this. You would not be helping the situation if you did not tell her how you felt.

We all know people who are in a 'better' situation than us, financially or personally at times but we keep (or should keep) our negativity and resentfulness to ourselves.

greencolorpack Fri 03-Jun-11 22:11:37

LOL! I wish.

You don't need to be a single parent to still feel like crying "I have no idea what I'm doing!!!!!"

TheFrogs Fri 03-Jun-11 22:11:44

I have to admit, I have come out with that very line on occasion but only when for example recieving critism on my parenting from someone who has never been in my situation (quite often my mum grin). That was why I asked, thinking there may have been some misunderstanding...but over trying to organise days out? Odd.

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 22:13:17

Birds, you make a really valid point, I do hope she takes this away and makes a point of trying to cheer up....I just hope she does think Im against her, she truly is a lovely person but just seems to be using this emotional crutch as an excuse for everything that is "difficult" for her to do sad

TheFrogs Fri 03-Jun-11 22:14:31

"critism"? new word I just invented obviously.

boyoboy Fri 03-Jun-11 22:16:03

Critism - - the critisism of single parents smile

ZXEightyMum Fri 03-Jun-11 22:16:30

You sound like a very nice person OP. I haven't seen you before but I hope you stick around smile

TheFrogs Fri 03-Jun-11 22:17:20

thanks! grin

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