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So bloody angry with DP just now over DDs bedtime

(99 Posts)
SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:17:54

DD is five years old, he has only just taken her up to bed - he has totally fucked up on bedtimes since she was young, she was always a bad sleeper and i stupidly got into the habit of laying with her til she went to sleep but when she was about two i got it sorted to the point where i could leave her to get herself to sleep. When DP works late, i put her to bed by 8 at the very latest read her one story, say goodnight and put her to bed, shes quite happy, well not 100% happy, with this this. DP however has to read untold stories ends up laying up there with her, keeping her awake, for ages, hours!!! Tonight she is playing up, doesnt want to go to bed - sitting on sofa stamping feet, "im not going to bed" DP letting her watch more and more TV, even putting new stuff on for her FFS. Ends up in tantrum, she wants carrying up stairs, DP cant carry her, he has bad back - So i say i'll carry her, i pick her up, shes heavy, there is a slapping sound when i get my hand under leg, she kick off saying ive slapped her, i have NEVER slapped her ever, and i didnt slap her, it just sounded that way. DP standing there going "nice one sunshine" FFS, then she kicks off at top of stairs cos i put her down, DP losing his temper by now - blaming ME!! starts shouting at me because i was insisting on no more fucking cunting horrid bastarding henty!! , meanwhile DD is becoming hysterical. Shes overtired and will be irritable as sin tomorrow, this will just cause more tension between me and DP. Why cant he see that "keeping the peace" and allowing her her own way is just damaging her. She has school next week and its going to be a nightmare to try and sort bedtime out again and she is already struggling, i believe because of the late nights. Theres no reasoning with him about it - he thinks i just want her out of the way- err, no, i want her to have a decent nights sleep, and yes, its half term she has been irritable all fucking day because shes exhausted and im stressed and tired and wouldnt actually mind some down time before my own bedtime. She is still up there sobbing and arguing with him now. I daren't intervene because then he shouts at me and it all degenerates, so i have to sit here seething knowing that this is doing untold damage to my DD. In short, i think my DP is a cunt

PS apologies for the vile language, but its got to come out

SmethwickBelle Fri 03-Jun-11 21:23:14

YANBU. My DS would plead for telly and more time downstairs indefinitely if we let him and it would do him no good. You're right to want her in bed by 8pm, she needs her sleep. Be loving but firm, it is bedtime!

Beamur Fri 03-Jun-11 21:26:02

You're right - she needs her sleep and giving in to all the time delay tactics is not doing her any favours.
Good luck in getting your DP to see this.

SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:27:27

thats the trouble though smeth, i was trying to be loving and firm but she kicks off for daddy and he pretty much pushes me out of the way. I had to leave because i didnt want it all kicking off in front of DD. Seriously considering if it is in her interest him actually bloody well being here! She adores him but things are fraught between us so her playing up is like lighting the blue touch paper, i should grow a pair and put my foot down but I can't do battle with him in front of her, and ive tried talking to him, ive tried talking to him about htis for five bastarding years

Happymm Fri 03-Jun-11 21:27:34

This is crap. You both need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this, as you tell him he's being a twunt explain why it is so important fir your DD to have an early consistent bedtime and routine, especially now she is at school. All my three (age 7,5,2) were in bed for 7.30. This never changes, for both their and our sakes. It is right for them and your you and (D)H too as you need some downtime/grownup time together. Good luck sad

SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:30:41

Things are so much calmer when he works late, DD in bed by a reasonable time, no tears and tantrums. Why cant he see that it is the better way. He thinks im being a bad mother for being strict, he undermines me all the time - ALL the time. He gives her sweets all the bloody time, he even gave her sodding bloody coke the other day, despite the fact that she was throwing a tantrum over it becaue i had said no, you cant have it. Coke? At five years old, close to bed time - FFS is he mad???

Georgimama Fri 03-Jun-11 21:32:55

There's nothing wrong with wanting your five year old to go to bed so you can have your time to yourself, tbh. It just sounds like he can't be arsed to help enforce a routine so it's easier to let her do what she likes.

EmmaBemma Fri 03-Jun-11 21:33:16

YANBU. She sounds not dissimilar to my own daughter, who is just 4, and for whom the term "give an inch, they'll take a mile" could have been invented. She has a 7pm bedtime but is often messing about in her room till well after 9pm. Luckily my husband and I (I sound like the queen) have similar approaches about it, and mostly just go in every so often and settle her firmly into bed, repeat several times until she finally flakes out.

I can see why your partner is driving you nuts. My daughter would love telly/stories on demand way past her bedtime too, but it doesn't make life easier for anyone - it just drags the whole battle on and on. You can't give a 4 or 5 year old responsibility for their own bedtime, I agree with you totally. You both need to agree a strategy so you can present a united front.

Also, I laughed out loud at "in short, I think my DP is a cunt".

Happymm Fri 03-Jun-11 21:36:39

Sounds like he is a bit! He can't just be the parent who is liked all the time. Kids need boundaries and thrive on routine. My DH and I have an agreement that we will never disagree with each other or undermine each other in front if the DC, even if we disagree and think the other's being a complete twat!

2gorgeousboys Fri 03-Jun-11 21:36:45

Our boys had a later night tonight as we ended up chatting and having a glass of wine with the neighbours and the children were all playing together so in my opinon yabu to expect every bedtime at the same time every night (just thinking holidays, treats etc) however you have to go with what works for your DD and if that is a consistent bed time then so be it - you need to agree this with DH when you are both calm prior to the emotional bedtime routine point.

Well done you though for not battling him about it in front of DD, you need to present a united front whatever the decision.

SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:38:21

thats pretty much it georgimama - he wants a fucking easy life, and in wanting an easy life he has made a rod for BOTH of our backs. The sad thing is, ultimately, the one who is suffering is DD.

So here i am, catch bloody 22, i have a DD who adores her daddy, and he dotes on her he really does, but his is not father of the fucking year because he lets her do as she likes all the time. Our relationship is on the rocks due to other pressures i dont want to go into here, but my DD, she adores her father - how can i split up the family? but im starting to wonder if that wouldn't be the best thing for her in the long run?? sad

Tonight this came out of his mouth "oh come on DD, you've got to go to bed because you are getting me into trouble with mummy, mummy wants you to go to bed" This happens all the time!! "mummy says you cant have the coke, she'll moan at me if i let you have it" bla bla bla, puts me in a position where i have no choice but to bloody concede, DD knows this too - she will say to me if i say no "well then i'll ask my daddy and he'll make you do it/give it to me/let me have xyz"

puffling Fri 03-Jun-11 21:40:41

He sounds as if he hasn't got a clue where you're coming from. If you think you might have a hope of influencing his attitude to this, I think it would be best to discuss it with him at a time that's less stressful such as an evening when she's in bed asleep and he's in from work late.
Is he a cunt generally?

GreenTeapot Fri 03-Jun-11 21:41:14

OK you are in a more extreme situation than mine but I can sympathise a lot. DP and I have different attitudes to food in particular - he would allow sweets most days, for example, whereas I really don't agree. My only advice is that you will get further if you too are willing to compromise. So, have a chat sometime that isn't bedtime, be nice, explain what you think the benefits of doing it your way are, acknowledge that he feels differently and then propose a middle ground whereby maybe he does the first half hour of bedtime including tv and bath or whatever and then you do second half hour of story and then sleep. If you can be positive and stick it out and he sees results then you may find he's more receptive. If you can't make headway then I think I'd be asking your HV to come and talk to you as a couple.

SmethwickBelle Fri 03-Jun-11 21:41:17

SunshineisSorry I can see that it all puts you in a difficult position - it would drive me bloody mad too.

SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:43:14

ut 2gorgeousboys, tonight isnt the exception to the rule an its now 9.40 and she is still awake! Im not anal about bedtime, but i think 8pm is late enough, especially on a school night there are some that would think 8pm is actually quite late when you are 5. He just says she doesnt need that much sleep - well, her being tired in school (her teacher mentioned it to me blush), generally tired and irritableness, shopping trolleys under her eyes suggests that actually, she does

SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:44:43

puffling, he never used to be, but now he has his own (failing) business, we have moutains of debt and are permanently stressed, yes, im sorry to say it he is - i feel like i have to walk on eggshells all of the time.

GreenTeapot Fri 03-Jun-11 21:45:35

Cross posted with your last post. He's bang out of order and to constantly refer to you when it comes to bedtime or denying treats or whatever is disgraceful. It sounds like a much bigger problem than a bedtime battle sad

beesimo Fri 03-Jun-11 21:47:09

I will get called smug twat for this but here goes, the reason so many of you can't get your bairns to sleep is their not tired. You don't run/walk them enough during the day then you over excite them at beddy time by telling the interesting tales so they want more of the same. You give them to much to drink nightime so they need the toilet which wakens them up.

Also they can hear you raking about downstairs and the t.v on, so of course their not going to lie in bed when they have their nightly performance to look forward to. Do you not realise your little buggers think its funny?

You need to wise up a bit.

MadamDeathstare Fri 03-Jun-11 21:47:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:48:25

ok, he has just come down and i have, as calmly as i can told him that this is going to make DD ill. He says "yes i agree with you, we will have to sort it out" well get the fucking flags out. I cant be bastarding bothered to point out that talk is cheap. but at least he is agreeing with me that i wasn't UR tonight by putting my foot down at nine o clock

Georgimama Fri 03-Jun-11 21:48:37

The OP's daughter clearly is tired, actually, but she's being ramped up by her twunt father who gives her coke and lets her watch TV when she should be in bed. So not so much a smug twat as just wrong.

GreenTeapot Fri 03-Jun-11 21:51:25

beesimo I really don't see the relevance of your post.

MadamDeathstare Fri 03-Jun-11 21:51:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderbongo Fri 03-Jun-11 21:51:59

Wow he sounds like a complete nut case. Does he really not have any idea the kind of trouble this will lead to when your dd becomes a teenager. His attitude to her will cause real problems for your all when she starts expecting to get her own way over going out, drinking, smoking, boys etc.. She needs boundaries laying down now and a united front from you both.
I really feel for you and I think in your situation if he is unable to change his attitude I would be considering ending my relationship with him. I know this sounds harsh but you have to do what is best for your dd. Even though she adores him, he is not thinking about what is best for her at the moment. After all that is what being a good Dad is all about. Making the difficult decisions and doing whats best for your kids. Even if it makes them hate your guts for a while!

SunshineisSorry Fri 03-Jun-11 21:52:46

beesimo - you are right, you are being a smug twat. My DD has walked about 3 miles today, along with running around with the boys at the swing park, we were playing chess before twatfeatures put horrid sodding henry on the TV. Once she is asleep she never wakes up for a wee. I don't have the TV on at night, i hate the bloody thing, in fact the only thing that is ever on it is sodding childrens tv. Go on, tell me its that she spent the whole day in watching TV, err sorry to disappoint you, and she was at the beach all day yesterday. Are you a man?

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