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to be pissed at DH playing golf again this avo?!

(28 Posts)
Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 12:48:26

So i called DH this morning on his mob, general chit chat, talking about being 25c here (scotland so a rare thing) and what not! So he comes out with "boss closing office this avo at half 2, since it's so nice" Fab i thought maybe we could do something with DS, instead of me doing something on my own with him like every other afternoon. But he says "i'm going to play golf, so i'll be in about 6" which is bloody later than he would be in if he worked his normal hours today!
Then he has the cheek to say, we can do something tonight?! DS is 2.5 by 6ish he'll be on the way to passing out for bed!
I just said "whatever" as he knew i wasn't impressed, and he hung up.
AIBU? It's one of the nicest warmest days today, tomorrow is to be 13c here and i thought we could do something together?!
Plus he played golf after work on Wed until 9:30pm with my cousin, and did the same on Sunday! If you mention anything to him he goes..."i need me time, i have a stressful job blah blah" hmm
And he normally would play football tonight, but made it out like he had cancelled his 8-9 football as a grand gesture so we could do something!?
Maybe IABU but what do you think?

Sorry i did rant blush

WobblyHalo Fri 03-Jun-11 13:03:00

I don't think YABU. I would be pissed off too. I actually feel pretty much the same at the moment, though my dh is constantly off doing something else (fun) while I'm pregnant and can barely make it through the work day.

Then when I want to do something he seems to 'slot' me in between all his other activities. It's getting pretty annoying now.

Sorry, no constructive advice, but I'm with you...

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 13:09:18

yeah same here, we're "slotted in" between, work/work nights out with clients, golf and playing football hmm then if we do something together, he acts like he deserves a medal for it as further down the line he can say "we went to the zoo"! BLOODY WOW! grr i'm pissed!

5318008 Fri 03-Jun-11 13:11:05

This is not just about playing golf is it?

You say he went out with your cousin til 9.30 pm - did he come home then go out or go straight from work?

And the same on Sunday?

The balance seems quite skewed

YANBU. I would be bloody furious.

DH doesn't play golf, thank goodness.

Do you get any 'you' time?

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 13:14:50

5318008 he worked on wed til 5:30 and met my cousin at the golf course,and they played golf til 9:30. On sunday the booked golf on Sunday morning and were gone until midday but which time he was "shattered" hmm

fgaaagh Fri 03-Jun-11 13:18:08

What percentage allocation of the potential family time is your DH taking to enjoy his leisure pursuits, and do you get anywhere near the same "you" time?

E.g. if he plays golf 2 evenings a week, that leaves 5 evenings free. WHen you get your 2 evenings, that leaves 3 for the "family" time.

Doesn't your DH see that that is a fair allocation of leisure time, based on your joint responsibilities?

And if you don't get "you" time regularly, why not? Do you not want it? Do you feel you can't take it e.g. DH wouldn't cope? Or is he unwilling to look after his own kids? What's the story there?

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 13:18:31

apparently i can do "whatever i want" "I'm in all day" he says hmm but not on a thurs/fri as they are football nights, I did dare to venture to the cinema on a friday once and he got his mum to watch DS so he could still play football. Apart from that he implies that if i want to do something i can! But if i go out, i'm expected to take DS with me, which i don't mind, but it's rare i'm out myself!

fgaaagh Fri 03-Jun-11 13:19:12

Has he ever looked after his own children for an extended period of time?

fgaaagh Fri 03-Jun-11 13:20:39

p.s. sounds like his life pre-kids isn't that much different post-kids. Did you ever sit down and discuss priorities, what is expected, etc, before falling into the "working parent" / "SAHP" routine?

I'm trying to figure out if it's just never occured to him to stop being a selfish prick and actually participate in family life, or if he's actively against it e.g. causing arguments when it's raised.

Which is it?

SardineQueen Fri 03-Jun-11 13:23:05

YANBU he is being an arse.

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 13:23:18

hmm not compared to the hours i'm in the house he hasn't. Once in March, i went to my Bf's for my Birthday at her house in Yorks and was away overnight, that was the longest he's had DS.
It pisses me off, and average week is Sun morning Golf, mon,tues in the house "shattered" wednesday-Golf or house, Thurs and Fri- Football. Saturday sometimes a family day or he's in the house in front of tv watching football!

Because i'm in all day, or go to tesco/or my mums, i live a life of freedom and luxury!

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 13:26:16

Oh god if i dare raise it tonight when he's home i'll be the bad one.

He'll say he would have been working anyway if he wasn't golfing or he needs some me time/space, or he never does anything! (obv deluded) grin

SardineQueen Fri 03-Jun-11 13:29:38

What about you working? If you worked part-time you'd have more time to yourself. Mentioning it might give him a shock too.

He is taking the piss.

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 13:34:29

He IS taking the piss angry

I'm disabled, walk with sticks etc and live a life of pain, so i'm pretty limited, by 6ish when he claims we can go out, i'll be sore as heck, as been on the go with DS, he knows that. So chances are i won't want to go out then anyway. Which he knows!!

ChaoticAngelbitchfromhell Fri 03-Jun-11 13:35:27

Make up a timetable of sorts and note the times he's having his 'me' time. Then factor in the same amount of 'me' time for yourself and tell him that's when he has to look after his child.

fgaaagh Fri 03-Jun-11 13:36:00

OK, then he is definitely taking the piss.

He appears to have a total lack of appreciation between what it's like having a leisurly afternoon to oneself, childfree with no housework, vs. being home on a day with a kid with a cold and the house a mess.

You need to re-dress his understanding.

Unfortunately the only way I've seen that to work is if you get a part time job and force him to deal with the reality - because talking until you're blue in the face isn't much help. And if you're not strong enough, you'll end up like a friend of mine who works fulltime, just like her DH, in an office, just like her DH, the same hours - and yet she does all the housework too.

Needless to say, this is the same friend of mine who got divorced last year - I remember her talking about the "lightbulb" moment when her DH was away from home for a conference thing for just over a week, and she felt like life was easier without him there... no one to have to pick up after, no changing schedules at the last minute, no having to keep him happy or whines/arguments if something wasn't done his way, no one to say they'll hang the washing out but then it doesn't get done, etc... she's like a different person now. Much lighter and less stressed. That's a terrible thing, I think -to see how much happier she is when she only has her real DCs to deal with! Being part of a relationship is meant to make each party happier, more fulfilled, working together, stable - if that isn't happening, it's sad but sometimes easier to go it alone.

I'm not suggesting that you get divorced, my wider point is that your DH's lack of appreciation for what you're doing day in day out needs addressing. A sharp reality check etc.

Getting his mum to look after DCs whilst his wife is away on a rare occasion? WTF? hmm He's pretty much a weekend father, from the sound of it.

Participates in all the "fun" stuff (going to the park, family time on Satudays) but not a good dad when it comes to cleaning up the shit off the changing table or taking turns to check on an ill child. Poor show really.

fgaaagh Fri 03-Jun-11 13:39:34

Agree re: making a timetable up based on the last 3 or 4 weeks.

Literally get a chart, like you would a child, and have 4 colours..

one for him doing "his" stuff
one for "family" stuff
one for misc (work etc)
final one for you doing "your" stuff

maybe you could do one for "this is how it has been" and then do another one based on "this is how it will be".

p.s. forgot to mention, the true equal time that appeared with DH and me was when we both went back to work 3 days a week after DS. DH was amazed at all the "little" things (hmm) that can't be done when you're looking after a toddler who's learning to walk!

SardineQueen Fri 03-Jun-11 13:40:12

shock

He's not taking the piss.
He's being a right selfish bastard.

I'm sorry.

jumpforjoy Fri 03-Jun-11 13:48:20

OP i feel your pain.

My Ex was exactly the same, couldn't understand why it really annoyed me.

Thurs nights used to be my nights at the gym with some friends until the summer came and it was always dusk golf.

When my DC were young I worked on Saturday. He would entertain them on the playstation all day whilst I was at work and off to golf on Sunday, no family time. When I gave up the Saturday job so we could have some family time, he took that as his cue to play golf all weekend.

I'm glad I got rid of the paracite.

I hope your DH sees sense.

clam Fri 03-Jun-11 13:48:30

Well, the first thing to do is to re-define "me-time," which, for you, has to also mean without your DS.
Make sure he's really clear on this.

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 14:08:14

Yes i'm going to do this chart thing, in fact i have an idea to make a chart each week, so we can factor these things in, cause he's being selfish!
I'm fuming today,really fuming!!
I am planning to have a few nights a week now, where i can go do some shopping or visiting without DS and DH, see how he likes it! Grrrrr

and oh yes he likes doing all the fun stuff with DS, not lugging him to tesco, or to the doctors/dentist etc! Just the playing football in the garden, park etc and messing the house together!!!

I fecking hate GOLF! angry

Time for cheer me up Cake grin

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Fri 03-Jun-11 18:10:14

Ok well it's 6ish and he has just texted to say another 6 holes to go! angry plus he said "are you in the huff" angry

So me and DS away for a little trip to park behind house and then get him ready for bed, Sod DH!

clam Fri 03-Jun-11 18:24:43

So what did you say? "Yes, with good reason. I trust you'll be giving me some "me-time" tomorrow in lieu."

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