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To thi this is really insensitive

(27 Posts)
hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:23:37

ive noticed a couple of places, including Facebook, women commenting on other people's maternity leave plans. "you're only taking six months?" etc.

And the old gem "you won't want to" (no shit, Sherlock).

Aibu to feel like leaving a comment "yes, some of us don't have well off dps or fantastic maternity packages ... Some of us will have no choice in going back at three, four or five months, and your surprise doesn't make it any easier".

I get statutory only, and we will have to save hard to cover my maternity leave.

Surely people wouldn't comment in this way about other financial/ family decisions? Why is ml such fair game?

Itsjustafleshwound Thu 02-Jun-11 18:28:35

It all boils down to personal CHOICE .... so don't start looking for approval for the decision you have taken or pass judgement on others.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 02-Jun-11 18:30:38

Some people have no mortgage and no debt...they rent...or have paid their mortgage...they cannot fathom the pressure those things bring. Some people see the first year with a baby as sacrosanct and wont let anything get in the way...not debt, or bills or lifestyle...they will do anything to stay at home and cannot se anyone elses point of view.

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:30:40

Yes that's what I'm saying. It seems really judgemental.

People wouldn't say "you only drive a fiesta"? "your house only has two bedrooms" "you only have one bathroom" etc.

yougivemumsabadname Thu 02-Jun-11 18:32:19

I do know what you mean. When my dd2 was born 9 years ago my job was so crap they literally gave you 9 weeks at 90% pay then it was £100 a week. I was a single mum with no support from dd father and so skint.

I had to go back to work when dd was SIX WEEKS and it broke my heart, it was so hard when people would say, Oh my god, that's SO YOUNG to leave her in nursery, I felt like shouting I KNOW! But I had no choice, I couldn't have paid my rent and bills and fed us otherwise on £400 per week.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 02-Jun-11 18:33:03

Some people WOULD say those things though Hairy. More than one person has commented on the fact that DH and I have no car...or that we don't own a home.

yougivemumsabadname Thu 02-Jun-11 18:33:47

£400 per month I mean!

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:33:48

That's exactly what I mean Yougive

Birdsgottafly Thu 02-Jun-11 18:33:52

If you don't want people to comment on your status then don't post. I think the problem is that you wouldn't post about other financial matters. If someone asks how long you are taking you don't need to answer them especially if they are not close enough friends that you can be honest with.

Surely mentioning their DP will make your DP feel bad.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 02-Jun-11 18:34:18

Wouldn't you have qualified for help though yougivemumsabadname?

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:35:24

That's another question. If you are on smp, do you qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit? (I have no idea)

MumblingRagDoll Thu 02-Jun-11 18:35:41

I agree Birds. It's best not to come on MN all angry about these things. Nobody needs to know te length of your maternity leave more than you should share your income.

yougivemumsabadname Thu 02-Jun-11 18:37:46

I don't think so - I looked into it at the time - Working Tax Credits came in just after I went back to work but I think I didn't qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit because I had a job.

Birdsgottafly Thu 02-Jun-11 18:37:54

Also some women have to be SAHM because they cannot afford childcare or it is difficult to find if they work shifts.

Housing benefit and CT is means tested, so it depends on what you have coming in, in total. You can get a benefit check fom the CAB or welfare rights place.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 02-Jun-11 18:38:13

Yes hairy and if you have to wait for it, they wil give back pay...of course you are entitled to it if yr income does not exceed a certain amount


I think it is £102 a you canot have more than that coming in.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 02-Jun-11 18:39:52

That is another point....if you are earning enough to pay for childcare then why not ave up before getting pregnant? Obviously some pregnancies are unplanned. Then it is a choice etween job and spending time with the baby...everyone has the right to make their choice...but they shouldn't complain about it.

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:41:06

I didn't post - I was commenting here on stuff I've seen on fb. In fact the original status was nothing to do with it . The post was speculation and assumption, which makes it even worse!

I think if people want advice about ml this is a good place to ask, but I don't feel that then merits judgement and sympathy.

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:42:37

I'm NOT talking about people complaining about it. I'm talking about women judging other women's decisions about maternity leave.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 02-Jun-11 18:43:19

Well people who post extreme views on FB are best deleted. i had one eejt who kept spouting political clap-trap...he was gone with a flick of the finger!

Birdsgottafly Thu 02-Jun-11 18:48:35

Perhaps then you should leave those that it is directed towards, to answer it.

I would question why adults who are about to become parents are getting into such personal arguements on a public media site.

They are about to become parents, they need to get over being judged, tbh.

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:52:56

That is what I've done.

I'm just making an observation and asking if my observation is unreasonable confused

No one is getting into a personal argument. Or complaining about being judged

It's someone who has commented on a friend of mines status.

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:55:23

I admit though to having been personally barked when hr bod at work said "you won't want to" when I told them of the ml I intended to take. I was informing my employer, not asking for advice.

hairylights Thu 02-Jun-11 18:55:56

Narked, not barked!

mathanxiety Thu 02-Jun-11 18:56:06

There is no comparable leave/financial decision that is so open to inspection by nosy friends and rellies. Men don't generally post about taking family leave or taking their maximum allowed sick days. Like baby names, if you don't want people to comment, don't mention it.

I had DD1 in the US where maternity leave is unpaid and you only get 6 weeks. No-one ever commented when women returned to work. It is because women in the UK get benefits (there is nothing, absolutely nothing comparable in the US) and longer leave if they wish that their choice is apparently comment-worthy; it is implied that they should choose to stay home methinks.

Birdsgottafly Thu 02-Jun-11 19:13:10

I would suggest again that perhaps adults shouldn't be discussing future important life decision on FB, thats for teenagers.

People comment when they shouldn't and judge others, it is annoying but thats part of the problem with casually adding people on FB then posting a personal status, it's a minefield.

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