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AIBU?

to get annoyed at my wife's all nighters?

89 replies

James72 · 02/06/2011 11:28

I'm a dad with a 2 year old and a 7 year old. My wife looks after the kids while I'm at work. I'm away on business next week so we agreed that I would take the day off today to give her a lie in. We'd arranged to have a nice lunch and then pick out a kitchen for our new house.

I went to bed around midnight. She was still up. She was still up at 8 in the morning when I woke. She was drunk, watching TV. She stumbled into bed and fell asleep with her clothes on.

She'd spilt a full glass of wine on the table and carpet and not made much effort to clean it up. Remnants from roll ups etc. I've just been cleaning it up.

My eldest knows something's amiss. He sees her drunk and asleep with her clothes on. He asked me if I was home to look after mummy because mummy's sick.

I think it's fine for my wife to let her hair down once in a while but we just came back from a weekend in Paris, so it's not like we haven't had fun recently. We went through a rough patch in our relationship at the end of last year and afterward we resolved things we agreed that the impromptu past 2am evenings would end.

Should I grin and bear it or is she being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Report

JBellingham · 02/06/2011 11:30

Get that carpet cleaned and feck off on your business trip for a week so she can party without you.

sparkle1977 · 02/06/2011 11:31

I think she is being very unreasonable, not least because she has young children!

I don't know really what to suggest other than a proper sit down and talk with her about it. I feel that its really not on at all to be drunk at 8am in front of your little children. Does she have a problem with alcohol, it does sound like she could ?

LaurieFairyCake · 02/06/2011 11:33

oh that's grim - I would let her sleep til it was time to go out to the nice lunch you planned and then still go to look at kitchens - she will just have to pull herself together by then.

And I'd be having a word - that sort of up all night drunkenness isn't appropriate round kids in my opinion.

sparkle1977 · 02/06/2011 11:33

very helpful JBellingham

Groovee · 02/06/2011 11:33

Does she do this when she is in sole charge of the children?

nomadwantshome · 02/06/2011 11:34

Yanbu she is out of order

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 02/06/2011 11:34

It sounds like she has a problem with alcohol if she is getting this bladdered regularly and in front of the DC. Have a chat with her about it, but you need to bera in mind now that if your wife has a drink problem she may not change. Problem drinkers only stop drinking/seek help when they are ready, threats and pleading often don't work.

Thingumy · 02/06/2011 11:36

of course she's being unreasonable.

I'd suggest she needs to speak to her gp about her alcohol intake and remind her that if anyone gets a whiff of her being totally out of it while in sole charge of the children,SS will be very interested...

She needs to shape up and sort her life out.

Ariesgirl · 02/06/2011 11:37

Um...she is an alcoholic. Why has no one suggested this? :( I feel for you, OP, but this is not good for your children.

Gster · 02/06/2011 11:40

I think if you agreed that impromptu past 2am shenanigans would end, and they haven't you'd be right to return to the subject.

BornInAfrica · 02/06/2011 11:42

I'd venture to suggest that if she's staying up all night then there may be something more than alcohol involved here. Your average drunk will get pissed silly and pass out way before daybreak. Could she also be dabbling in something that makes it difficult to sleep?

NotEnoughTime · 02/06/2011 11:45

I also think she may have a problem with alcohol. for you and the children.

I wish you all the luck in the world as I think you are going to need it in trying to get her to face up to her problems (whether it be with alcohol or herself or dealing with the real world etc)

GeekCool · 02/06/2011 11:47

Staying up past 2 isn't a big deal as such, but staying up and being in that state when the kids get up for their breakfast is not on. YANBU. I'm not going to say she has an alcohol problem as I've no idea the history.

ENormaSnob · 02/06/2011 11:49

Is it just alcohol?

Is she safe to have the dc whilst you are away?

NotEnoughTime · 02/06/2011 11:50

Also meant to add (without wishing to be rude) regarding whatever problems you may have had (I totally understand that you might not want to go into them) that you said were resolved. Are you sure that she is "square" with them?

Im only saying this because I know sometimes when me and DH have fallen out he might then think everything is sorted but underneath Im still "bugged" by whatever has happened.

Im not sure if Im making sense here Just trying to add another perspective. Good luck.

NET

James72 · 02/06/2011 12:02

Thanks for these comments. It helps gets things straight in my head.

She is never drunk in charge of the children. I would not want anyone to think that. But when she goes out for a drink she often gets steamed. While we were away for the weekend (without kids) she drank to the point where she could barely stand. We were at dinner and she left the table to leave, not realising she hadn't eaten yet. When I brought it up he next day her excuse was "I'm on holiday!" It spoilt my evening. We had a perfectly pleasant evening the next day though.

Usually she's out with friends when she gets drunk. I tend to avoid her because she's not great company when she's like that. I don't think she's an alcoholic because she barely drinks during the week. She just likes to get steaming drunk every now and then. The up-all-night thing is pretty rare, like once every 4 months. The steaming drunk thing happens once every two or three weeks.

She's certainly had some bad things happen in her life. I'm not sure if the binge drinking is related. I think it was happening before those bad things happened.

OP posts:

libbylobs · 02/06/2011 12:03

i agree is there something underlying,is she worried about you going away , i think you really have to find out if theres more to thisx

GeekCool · 02/06/2011 12:04

Sounds like she may have a problem - which is not knowing where to stop. Can you remember what she drinks on the occasions she is particularly bad? Most people like that tend to have a certain type of drink they don't handle as well as others.

Thingumy · 02/06/2011 12:08

OP-she still has a alcohol 'issue' doesn't matter that she gets steaming once a month or once a week,if she can't stop until she's almost comatosed,she has a issue.

It's that simple.

What will happen today, I take it she will be in bed for most of the day sleeping off her intake? It's not good for you,for her or for your children?

If you need to talk to someone call-020 7403 0888,it's Al-Anon number for family members effected by loved ones drinking problems.

InTheNightKitchen · 02/06/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekCool · 02/06/2011 12:18

Helpful PP.

Some people can be perfectly fine on wine and a nightmare on spirits. I'm suggesting it could be like that.

OTheHugeManatee · 02/06/2011 12:19

YANBU to be angry and worried. From your description this is the behaviour of someone with a drinking problem. She may still be angry and unhappy, things may well still be less resolved than you thought, but the way she's handling it is very worrying.

That's especially so as you agreed as part of your recent talks that the all-night benders would stop. That suggests she's got a history of behaving like this, and that it fed into your 'rough patch'. You need to consider the possibility that she's got the kind of addiction that isn't resolved simply by agreeing not to do it any more.

I'm the child of an alcoholic, and I know first-hand the damage it can do to a family. In the end there's nothing you can do about her behaviour, but I'd strongly suggest contacting Al-Anon for advice on how to proceed.

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SmethwickBelle · 02/06/2011 12:21

It sounds like she's been just about keeping a lid on her alcohol abuse, (if not alcoholism) with a semblance of control but it sounds like you think the lid is beginning to come loose and I'd say you are right to worry.

Being incredibly boring about it as I'm sure you and she knows, her health is going to suffer with regular binges and the kids need her in one piece and not to worry about her either now or in the future, if it can be helped.

I hope you can have a frank discussion with her, you sound like you have the sort of relationship where that is possible, so good luck.

James72 · 02/06/2011 12:21

She's not worried about me going away. She finds it hard work looking after the kids though, particularly with our two year old who's a bit difficult at the moment.

She likes getting really drunk sometimes. I don't know why. I don't think it's any particular drink. Champagne; wine; g&t. She usually shakes of her hangover pretty quickly. Today, my guess is that she'll surface some time around lunchtime and then want a quiet day in front of the telly.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 02/06/2011 12:23

"she'll surface around lunchtime and want a quiet day in front of the telly"

That's a perfect description of my dad pretty much every weekend for my entire childhood

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