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to think that visitors should give some sort of notice?

(27 Posts)
Justdontno Thu 02-Jun-11 09:50:52

I am a mother of 4 young children, under the age of 7 and work 4 nights a week. Sometimes the house is not pristine and I am still in my night wear late into the morning. Sometimes when my youngest two are asleep at lunchtime, I try to get a nap too, because I work well into the early hours then have to be up at 7am regardless. AIBU to think that family and friends could at least just give me a call or text before just turning up at my house? The other day, my SIL mother just turned up and walked in unnannounced, shortly followed by her sister and her sisters daughter! I was horrified grin

InTheNightKitchen Thu 02-Jun-11 09:55:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shirleyshortcut Thu 02-Jun-11 09:57:18

sit in the nude watching telly, that will put them off (well it would if they saw me in the nude lol)

jaffacake79 Thu 02-Jun-11 09:58:44

Hate it! With a passion!
Just give me a call or a text first so I can say yes or no. Even if you're round the corner and 5 mins away. Sometimes it just isn't convenient.

The same to the endless string of kids calling for dd. Even if the cars are there and I don't answer the doorbell, it clearly means no-one wants to talk to you so go away and stop leaning on the flipping doorbell!!!

aldiwhore Thu 02-Jun-11 09:58:46

People who know me, know to text and wait for a reply, or phone, before they even think about coming round. I'm a friendly sociable hermit, and don't like surprises.

I don't ask much, just 10 minutes notice to check the bathroom for stray knickers!

Justdontno Thu 02-Jun-11 10:01:21

I am very sociable, I love having people over....just not on days where I am dog tired, the house is not as tidy as usual and the kids are ill/driving me stark raving mad.

starsandstripes Thu 02-Jun-11 10:02:42

I HATE IT!

Only because inside i'm a tidy person who likes her house to look clean and well presented.

Unfortunately I have two ds's under 3, and am a slow starter in the morning. So it can be 11 and i've just got out the shower after bathing feeding and dressing them both, house is a bit of state a I haven't cleaned up after breakfast and I just generally look knackered!

Friends just pop over and I look horrified and wide eyed as I let them in appologising for the mess!

Awful people. grin

UANBU

lesley33 Thu 02-Jun-11 10:05:43

tbh I don't think there is a right and wrong answer here. In some families this is the norm. Until about 30 years ago most families, except well off ones, would do this as most people didn't have phones. So to arrange a time to visit you either had to arrange a time to meet again when you saw someone, or you had to write to each other - well off families tended to have a phone. So for shorter visits and especially between family, popping by was the norm.

Now it is no longer the case that communication is difficult, but some families still do this. In fact some families would think it is very formal and strange to arrange a time to visit.

Other families see it as being very rude to just pop in.

You have to decide whether you want to ask them to check with you beforehand if it is okay to visit and whether there would be a risk of a fall out - and if there is, if you want to risk it.

But please don't think of it as right and wrong, but just different ways of doing things.

Justdontno Thu 02-Jun-11 10:07:59

I definitely want them to check with me, because I am TERRIBLE at hiding my feelings and I am sure on more than one occasion with unexpected guests they have known they werent entirely welcome, much to my shame. Its the face, it gives me away all the time. I think part of the problem is until recently I always lived far away from friends and family, so I got used to not having many visitors...now I have moved and am close by, it feels like its a free for all!

Pandemoniaa Thu 02-Jun-11 10:09:14

YANBU.

My son and DIL always insist that I should come round anytime. But I still phone first because if my dgd has kept them awake half the night they may well want to chill out in a state of blissful unreadiness for visitors.

But much as I like visitors and don't expect or want complicated arrangements made well in advance, I've always assumed that a quick phone call before arrival was a simple courtesy. Regardless of whether you are visiting friends or family. Nobody likes to be caught unawares or feel defensive about being discovered in pjs or having a much-needed snooze.

OnEdge Thu 02-Jun-11 10:10:42

I was just about to post a similar one. I have got 3 kids 4 and under, we rent a large house on a private country estate. We have a massive garden with a trampoline and the kids have a big playroom full of toys.

I am bloody sick of people coming round here with their vile naughty kids and letting them run riot round my house being. It feels like we are an adventure park or something that is open to the public. My friends and family like it because their kids occupy themselves and they can just sit chatting to me, getting cups of tea made for them etc.

I feel bloody used and my weekend has just been hijacked again by my husband's cousin and her two children, one of which is really annoying and goes round my house like a whirlwind into my larder opening doors angry
Then I have my friend who is dating an old school friend of mine. He is staying here with us, and now she wants to bring her bloody kids round on Saturday and spend some time with him at my house. I can't imagine her being attentive to her kids while she is with him.

Do you reckon its because we have larger families ? And people enjoy it ??
What can we do ? And you are right, we have to make sure everything is tidy, all kids and us dressed, got plenty of milk and tea bags in. I even end up feeding all the fucking kids. Once I fed them and one of them was spitting it out because he didn't like it shock

There is a pub just opened down the road, I am tempted to meet everyone in there instead grin

Sorry if i have taken over your thread Justdontno it set me off grin

Justdontno Thu 02-Jun-11 10:14:08

oh its fine onedge, its a relief to see I am not the only one! I get much the same, family turning up to add another load of kids to my own...feeding them etc etc. Its enough to drive you demented. I think I will have to add to my no cold callers sign....no visiting without notice or you are NOT GETTING IN! grin

ennistonemother Thu 02-Jun-11 10:14:34

Yanbu - your sil etc were bu to suddenly appear.

I once left my ILs waiting on the doorstep when they showed up 15 minutes early - I needed that 15 mins for the place not to be a complete mess and to clear away my bleached gussets from the clothes airer in the living room.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 02-Jun-11 10:39:31

You people need to learn to say no, especially you OnEdge. That would drive me mad. There is no way I'd want people treating my house like a free play centre and would just tell them that I already have plans for the weekends or that we are just spending time together as a family. These people are not worrying about your feelings when they descend on you with their kids, so why worry so much about saying no to them?

Justdontno Thu 02-Jun-11 10:41:02

I suppose I feel guilty. I cant imagine opening a door to guests and saying...no, we dont want visitors today, bye now. It would be so....rude. But I get your point.

OnEdge Thu 02-Jun-11 10:42:17

My step mil cleans for me once a week. She also comes round with her grandson and my fil on wednesday afternoons. This week they decided to all come round my house together while she cleaned. They left a message on my phone but it was delayed coming through. So we were out and they had to sit round her for 3 hours grin grin while she cleaned. She got all cats bum mouthed with me but i never received the message. They must think that fuck all else happens in our lives. Luckily the message came in while we were all together so i countered with a cats bum right back at her grin

fedupofnamechanging Thu 02-Jun-11 10:50:23

That's how they get you - it is really hard to be actively rude to people who have visited you. It's supposed to be a good thing and it makes us feel unreasonable to not always want to see our families and friends.

Can you bring up in conversation with your family that you are not getting much time with your DH so have decided to reclaim the weekends as time for just the two of you and the DC's. Imply that your marriage needs it and they might be more sympathetic. We did this with MIL (who used to park her self in our house all day every sunday and bring her new bloke who is essentially a stranger to us). She now comes on a Friday afternoon for a couple of hours and it is so much better. I feel a lot less resentful.

ChaoticAngelbitchfromhell Thu 02-Jun-11 10:51:56

YANBU I'm lucky in that my family phone in advance, even if it's just to see if I'm in/up to seeing anyone. I'd hate people turning up without warning. The only exception is a good friend of mine who would never judge the state of my house grin

Justdontno Thu 02-Jun-11 10:53:07

I can but try! I work weekends so it tends to fall over the week with various people popping in for cups of tea and sick (yes sick) children on way to doctors etc etc. That one bugs me the most. Coming to my house sick. I just got over an illness passed on to me by a child guest...and now all my children have it!

Mumwithadragontattoo Thu 02-Jun-11 11:00:54

YANBU - I know it is the norm in some families just to pop by but I hate it. I couldn't feel relaxed in my own home if I thought I might have visitors pushing their way into the house at any moment. It is not unfriendly to ask them to call first or to turn them away if it is not a convenient time.

hugeleyoutnumbered Thu 02-Jun-11 11:31:28

IMO if you knocked the door you weren't just passing, because you stopped to knock the door,grin phone txt await reply or you will have a wasted journey, I do not like spur of the moment visitors, all my friends know this and my in laws are still learning (left on the door step one day last week as tried to beat down knocked the door when I was catching up on a little sleep with ds3.

OnEdge Thu 02-Jun-11 14:23:46

I wouldn't feel so bad if the visits were mutually enjoyable, but they just sit here in the lounge having time out while the kids run round wild. Also some of them are rotten to my son because he is only 2 and they are older, this really pisses me off, he is just in his own home being treated like shite sad

Have been discussing it with my Mum today and she is right, there is a pattern to it. Its single Mums (3 of them ) and its their sons who are the worst offenders. I think the Mums are just glad to get some time out and adult company, so I feel mean now blush

Lambskin Thu 02-Jun-11 15:05:41

I've thought about posting about this before too. I truly sympathise. I have a certain friend who is particularly guilty of this behaviour and often just before mealtimes too. Hate it.

IprivateI Thu 02-Jun-11 15:19:03

No I hate this too. I hate it especially when they are people you haven't seen for months and months and they just arrive out of the blue on a Saturday morning or a Sunday evening thinking I'm going to be really happy about them visiting. A phonecall takes 2 mins. It's not that hard.

jeckadeck Thu 02-Jun-11 15:23:39

I hate this too, I feel really violated by it. I just think it suggests a lack of respect for your time to just unilaterally arrive without checking that its OK. The worst thing, I hate to say, is people arriving with kids. At least with adults you can expect a degree of respect and consideration. Small children can't be expected not to stick their fingers in plugs, get food stains on things, upset my baby etc. Thing is I think this is quite a British thing. My DH comes from South America and cannot understand why it bothers me. His friends are prone to arriving on the doorstep with literally no warning. For me its insulting -- it implies that they put their own needs ahead of mine. But he thinks I'm being really anal and I need to loosen up a bit.

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