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DH attitude to working as a team

(133 Posts)
Ticked Thu 02-Jun-11 08:40:32

The title doesnt really explain the situation to well. We are 5 people, dh, 3 ds and me. All 4 boys have stopped helping around the house completely (ds 1 will do something if told). I mean not even taking their mug or plate through or picking up a piece of paper thrown down, never mind making beds and things. I have hinted to dh that we need to have a chat as a family and remind everyone to do their bit. He took off at me and told me Im being unreasonable and nobody wants to clean all the time. I tried explaining that I dont expect anyone to clean all the time or even do washing, dishes, dusting, hoovering and things. I just expect them to do their own stuff a bit at least. He said if I didnt want to do it I just mustnt and the house can just turn into a tip. I am beside myself as we dont have much but, dont want it to be disgusting. Untidy is fine but not dirty sad

I just want him to be a team with me and we sit down and explain about pride, keeping it reasonable, working together, to the kids. He has now not spoken to me for 2 days and there seems to be no resolution other than keep quite and run after them all on my own. Please tell me if I am BU and if not - suggestions as to what to do?

Ticked Thu 02-Jun-11 08:41:21

Sorry had to press send as DH walked in.

Katisha Thu 02-Jun-11 08:41:58

OMG this is appalling. Huge sympathies. I'm afraid I have no idea whatyou do about this. Is he a knob in other ways as well?

Ticked Thu 02-Jun-11 08:42:30

Can I just add that above I said I hinted which I mean I did for about a week. Then two days ago I asked him outright if I could have some help in dealing with it. That was when he took off at me.

troisgarcons Thu 02-Jun-11 08:43:59

I have no suggestions I'm afraid ...... but will be watching avidly. I also own lay-a-bout teenagers who have gone from being delightfully helpful to smelly festering slobs. Gas mask and spade when entering bedrooms these days. Personally I just let them fester in their own stink and refuse to was PE kits that have been left festering in sports bags.

millie30 Thu 02-Jun-11 08:44:22

He has not spoken to you for 2 days? What an arse! I would have advised talking to him calmly about how you feel, but you have tried that and it results in him ignoring you. You poor thing.

ChitChattingagain Thu 02-Jun-11 08:44:59

You are not being unreasonable, but surely this hasn't just started happening? Your DH is being an arse, but if he has this attitude now, then he has always had this attitude and you have already been running around after him. It's only now that the boys are getting older that you are noticing the unfairness of it all.

If you really want to make a point of it, then stop doing anything for THEM. Don't tidy their rooms, don't do their washing or ironing, if you get REALLY pissed off, then stop cooking for them as well, until they start doing their fair share.

Bonsoir Thu 02-Jun-11 08:46:03

YANBU and I feel very sorry for you, as you have sons and they are, quite understandably, modelling their own behaviour on that of their lazy, inconsiderate slob of a father - if he treats you that way, so can they.

You need to put that point across to your DH as forcefully as possible. Women are not on this earth to spend their time either living in mess made by males, or clearing up mess made by males.

troisgarcons Thu 02-Jun-11 08:48:01

My husband is fine - I just have tone deaf, lazy teenagers, who find it hard to shift with a rocket up their backsides.

Ticked Thu 02-Jun-11 08:49:08

Chit I think that may well be the case. It just feels like Im not keeping up at all. I have been trying to chase the kids into doing things as I go but its overwelming and I feel like I am chasing all of them all the time.

I have not cleaned for 2 days now but have to wash uniforms today but sadly, I dont think anyone is even noticing the mess and if it gets sorted - I am going to be scrubbing for a week at the rate the house is looking after 2 days!

mrswoodentop Thu 02-Jun-11 08:51:41

Tell him he's right no one wants to clean all the time and that includes you!Ibwould suggest that you point out that they obviously have no respect for you as a person and therefore you will no longer deal with their filth and because of this you will be leaving .Go and stay with a friend ,parents etc they need to know that this matters and that you are serious.

On a lessor scale I am dealing with this too ,difference for me is that dh is on my side

Goblinchild Thu 02-Jun-11 08:51:45

How old are the children? You could work on them first.

Katisha Thu 02-Jun-11 08:51:58

He sounds like a silly sulky teenager - not speaking to you because you don't want to live in a tip.
Maybe he could finance a cleaner?
Although he obv thinks you arebeing unreasonable not to want to live in a pigsty.
I can only assume his own mother did everything for him?
Tell him you are not his mother and frankly if this is how he is going to carry on you are not sure whether you whether you want to be married to someone who is so bloody childish.

In the meantime, I think you have to talk to the DCs yourself and tell them what you expect.

cricketballs Thu 02-Jun-11 08:52:05

chit I did this once; dh was thinking that i was his mother and would clear up for him so I stopped everything and just cleared my own and DS's plates, not washed any of his clothes etc. He lasted less than a week and has never attempted it again!

Ticked Thu 02-Jun-11 08:53:37

Children are 19, 16 and 12.

Katisha Thu 02-Jun-11 08:56:31

Time for a mass bollocking then. Sod it that DH is not on board - you need to read the riot act to your sons yourself.
No woman is going to want to take them on! YOu owe it to them.

rainbowinthesky Thu 02-Jun-11 08:56:44

You seem to have made yourself the cleaner by default. None of your children need anyone cleaning up after them. You include your ds as one of the 4 boys (shudder) and he doesnt need cleaning up after either. How on earth did you fall into this trap??

purpleknittingmum Thu 02-Jun-11 08:57:01

Surely he has given you a perfect response, he has said 'no-one wants to clean all the time' Is this not what you are currently doing?

How old are your sons? I agree with ChitChattingagain, don't do anything for them

rainbowinthesky Thu 02-Jun-11 08:57:33

Your oldest is 19. How long has this gone on for?

purpleknittingmum Thu 02-Jun-11 08:57:57

cross posted with a few others there, I was getting distracted!

Ticked Thu 02-Jun-11 09:00:04

Its been getting progressively worse over the past year and has gotten to this point for about 4 months now. We used to work outside the home but both dh and I started a business from home about a year ago.

Bonsoir Thu 02-Jun-11 09:00:25

I think you should spend a large sum of your DH's money on employing an agency cleaner to come and spring clean your home. And you should then fence off areas for civilised people (you) and gorillas (them). Obviously gorillas do not enjoy the privileges of civilisation such as cooked meals, clean clothes, bedding etc.

Chandon Thu 02-Jun-11 09:03:53

I think your expectations are too low.

Why should they only take their own stuff through to the kitchen, but not do any hoovering or cleaning? Why not?! Why not ALL help with everything?!

Chandon Thu 02-Jun-11 09:05:53

and please, do not do your semi-adult sons' laundry!

Honestly, no girl will want them, saddo's , making their mum do all the cleaning and washing. It's not rocket science. Do not touch their laundry, say from now on they can do their own.

Also hope you are not ironing for them once they are over 14?!

rainbowinthesky Thu 02-Jun-11 09:06:33

I agree with Chandon. You are expecting them to help you out with little things whereas in reality they should be doing far more and your dh should be doing a hell of a lot more rather than it all circle around you.
How did it work when you were both woth?

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