AIBU to be upset at my dad?(15 Posts)
warning. this is a very long rant
My dad moved in with me and my husband a few months ago and he cannot work until he gets his paperwork sorted. he hasn't got any savings so we are fully supporting him financially. it's not an ideal situation for him as he is used to working to support his family so he says feels like a "burden" but i told him he supported me when i was little and i don't mind doing the same for him - the outcome being i'd have my family near me as opposed to 3000 miles away.
Now, when i was a child the situation was (obviously) different and he has always been the "bad cop" and my mum was "good cop" if you know what i mean. Since i got married we got along much better.
When he moved in he said he wants to do all the housework and chores/shopping etc as me and my husband both work full time, i appreciated that and saw it as a way for him not to feel such a "burden" so i happily agreed - don't know if i was selfish or not to do so but anyhow.
The only problem i find, sometimes it gets a bit too much. A few days ago i was making myself a sandwich and ..well you know things are left behind for a short period of time i.e - crumbs, butter, i tend to clear up after myself. my dad was having his dinner and he proceeded to get up and try to clear up whilst i was still making it, i told him to go sit down and finish his dinner i can clear up when i'm finished. he got upset i told him that.
Earlier this morning i was looking for a letter and he was helping me. i looked it up online and i realised i don't need it anymore so i told him don't worry about it. He proceeded to get pissed off again and started telling me "don't worry about the bloody paperwork" (i was meant to fill in some paperwork for him today - which i was writing on my computer)
i was a bit shocked really. I hate having to tiptoe around his temper, i love him and i want to help him but i can't help but feel he is being a bit ungrateful.
As i was writing this i was trying to have a normal conversation ( a bit hard with him storming in and out of the room) and at some point he came back and said "oh and don't worry about the paperwork we won't need it anymore cause i'm going home" i was a bit miffed to be honest, we did a lot for him and i never once asked for anything back, i was quite happy sharing my home my food and everything else with him and i just felt like he was throwing it all in my face. I did get a bit pissed off and i told him i don't appreciate him getting upset at me and i feel like he's being a bit ungrateful- i know i shouldn't have but he was driving me mad with his attitude, he told me i should be ashamed of myself for saying that and that just proves his decision is correct.
I don't think he is being fair at all, and it hurts more to know that he will never admit he is wrong. he is that kind of person.
I honestly don't understand where i'm going wrong? i know he's a bit bored at home but until the paperwork is approved there's nothing we can do, i suggested he does some voluntary work at a charity shop but he just snorted at that, he sometimes walks my MIL's dog and goes out on his bike.
I know this is very long and i apologise but i really am upset and need to rant and know what i'm doing wrong
I can see your side and his OP
Hes trying to help you as you asked and I can see your point hes helping too much. Sit him down say you want him there with you you don't want him to go back home but you need to be able to do things yourself,like clearing up.
Hes only doing all this to say how grateful he is you have taken him in.
For me the word that grates is "ungrateful". It's not that he is being "ungrateful" - it's that he is overdoing the working for his bed and board routine,and turning your own home into a bit of a bootcamp - I can understand that it is galling to have someone trying to tidy you away all the time.
He needs to understand that your accepatnce of him is not based on him behaving like a highly drilled servant - it makes you uneasy.
But calling him ungrateful is, I think, getting the wrong end of teh stick here - as you say he is trying to justify his existence and is letting his pride get in the way.
I suspect this may never change though, and maybe it's better if he does move out if you can't have a conversation about it. He doesn't seemed to have moved into an adult relationship with you.
Don't give into the tantrum and have another go at talking to him. This is about edults trying to share the same space, not about adhering to strict rules about who does what.
I think you were very kind to take your father in when he needed it. I also think that we all need our own space - although I understand that it's sometimes hard to achieve that - and when we don't have it we can all be a little unreasonable.
I feel really sorry for your dad, actually, as well as for you. I'm sure there's a long back story to this about loss and stress, and I would suggest that before it's too late you sit down with your dad and have a long talk about what you both want from this new arrangement. You both need also to admit to the fact that it won't all be a bed of roses.
Your dad, if he's anything like mine, bless him, will be a proud man, a bit of a control freak, and lonely and missing those people he is no longer with, whether it be through death, divorce or distance.
You need to make sure you have your space and also the chance to like your dear dad as well as to love him. Try to talk, while you can.
What kind of paperwork does he need to complete?
I imagine he's feeling awful - a burden, bored, lonely, all kinds of horrible emotions and it must be very hard for him. Just explain how you feel.
He's probably right though, going home probably is the ideal eventually.
Your dad needs to relax and treat it as his home too OP and you need to make him aware of that. Hes probably scared he will do something wrong. Talk to him.
i understand how your feeling and then im also thinking hes probably not angry at you at all just the situation im sure he doesnt want to be there with you hes a man its worse tahn if you took your mum or sister in he probably feels less in charge less of a man really remembering he probably feels uncomfortable with rolls reversed perhaps wait till he is in a better mood before approaching it and sometimes a hug is better than words words tend to complicate things sometimes dont they.
he moved from my home country because he was feeling stressed about his very demanding job and wanted to start fresh here, first him, and if he can get a job and support my mum and sis they'd move too ( i would happily take them all in but we're not exactly well off and we can't afford to feed 5 people on 2 salaries)
if i try to talk to him while he's upset, all he will say is "dw about it i'm leaving anyway, i won't be here so it doesn't matter" the reason why i got pissed off at this is this long string of paperwork we need to fill in (to do with ukba) is nearly finished! so i feel that if he leaves now the whole 4 months or so seem pointless!
i just want him to be a bit more laid back if you know what i mean, i'm a stressy one and adding more stress to my already stressy head doesn't do me any good. i know he's stressed about the paperwork but he know exactly what he was getting into, i had to go through the same process after i got married to my dh and i told him it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna take a long time but it is a waiting game and he was ok with that. now he's not!
Is he capable of being more laid back or is his pride always going to be a problem?
As others have said, I think his pride is probably getting in his way. You pointed out that he is used to providing for other people - relying on you is probably very hard for him and he's being ultra sensitive because of it. Unfortunately his approach to the situation is a little immature. He's getting sulky and huffy rather than trying to sort it out and it might be difficult for you to really talk to him about it. But it's worth a shot. Now might be the time to clear the air between you and your dad and to start having a proper, respectful adult relationship. Not easy I know, but it could be great if it worked.
I think you need to tell him he's not a burden and the bit about the paperwork being nearly through. It's very stressful for a busy person to be unemployed and the tidying up the crumbs made me think he sounds a bit stressed. He's maybe not used to living off someone else and it affects his pride. Basically, I think you really need to just talk to him. You saying to him that he's ungrateful would have been really hurtful when he is trying to do all the household stuff. Just sounds like miscommunication all round and it would be really sad not to resolve it.
This might sound flippant and it really isn't meant to, but go and give him a hug, tell him you love him and that you hate fighting with him and suggest a nice day out (even just a walk if money is tight)
It sounds like you are both in really difficult positions, and, FWIW, I think you're both being amazing. If my dad had been staying we'd have made the national news by now! (I adore him and we have a great relationship but we couldn't possibly live together!!!)
Re: the volunteering suggestion. Good one, however, charity shop volunteering doesn't appeal to everyone. try www.do-it.org put in your postcode and see if there is something more suited to his interests.
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