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AIBU or is it poor form to invite only one person in a married couple?

(117 Posts)
Bananamash Wed 01-Jun-11 13:13:44


This morning we have had a wedding invite for one of DH's very close friends. DH and this man have been friends since about 15. I met him when DH and I started going out together when I was 17- so I have known him for almost ten years.

DH and this man did used to be very close friends and see each other regularly, usually weekly, until he moved around the country to be with his soon to be wife. She seems a lovely girl, but we're not really friends. I suppose myself and this man were never really chummy or anything, but on when we were younger every weekend we would go out as a group of us, and we try and do the same now, babysitters permitting. He has been moving around the country for the last few years, so all of our group of friends have seen less of him. DH is going on his stag do.

The invite is just for DH during the day and I am invited just to the evening event. AIBU to think this is a bit off?

The wedding is being held about an hour and a half away, which means most people are having to get hotels etc, not really easy just to pop in for a few hours etc.

Maybe I am being precious, but I wouldn't have thought this was the done thing at all. We had several couples at our wedding where we were very chummy with one but not the other member, and have been to lets of weddings where this is the case.


MonstaMunch Wed 01-Jun-11 13:14:20

how strange

ZZZenAgain Wed 01-Jun-11 13:16:21

bit unusual. Where are they getting married - some small enclosed space? Mind you missing the wedding part and being invited to the evening event is actually not all that bad...

papermate Wed 01-Jun-11 13:16:34

This has happened to me with a work collegue (bride) , who totally couldnt justify inviting partners, (though my dh hadnt actually ever met the groom, only the bride) so our table at the reception was the work gang, we actually had a fab day, and our partners joined us that evening.

ZZZenAgain Wed 01-Jun-11 13:17:27

oh I see, it is the meal you are not invited to?

Bananamash Wed 01-Jun-11 13:17:34

Sorry for not previewing the message!

As a ps, all of the rest of the group are going all day. I was discussing it when I went for a girls drink on monday and everyone was chatting about it, including girls who are "just" the partners of this man's friends.

None of them have DC so not sure if that has anything to do with it? Either way i still think it is a bit off!

MissJanuary Wed 01-Jun-11 13:17:41

What did your husband think of that? Unless they are desperately trying to keep nunbers down on the day guests, I would think this is very strange, and not sure if I would want to go.

kreecherlivesupstairs Wed 01-Jun-11 13:17:51

Very odd. I can only think there has been a mix up somewhere. I have heard of people getting professionals to write out the invitations. Could this be the case and the pro has made a mistake?

fatlazymummy Wed 01-Jun-11 13:17:56

It is poor form IMO. I wouldn't have dreamt of inviting someone without their partner. However people do seem to do this quite often these days, often on the grounds of cost so it would seem that times are changing.

JamieAgain Wed 01-Jun-11 13:18:03

It's off, and dare I say, rude

mum765 Wed 01-Jun-11 13:18:47

I've seen it done before but I think it's odd. Probably more of a limited numbers thing rather than a snub. Quite thoughtless really. I know I wouldn't want to turn up for the evening after my DP had been partying all day.

ZZZenAgain Wed 01-Jun-11 13:18:52

if the other partners of male friends have been invited, it seems odd. Don't know what I would do really. Might be a mistake but you'd feel a bit odd asking about it I suppose

scurryfunge Wed 01-Jun-11 13:19:13

That is a bit insulting. Has DH told him to stick the invite?

JamieAgain Wed 01-Jun-11 13:19:22

mum - me too. Awful

YesterdaysPants Wed 01-Jun-11 13:19:51

Very rude! Ask your DH to have a quiet word, hopefully it's a mistake. If not, I think your DH should wait til the evening and you go together. I'm sure it must be a mistake.

Wamster Wed 01-Jun-11 13:20:41

Depends on the circumstances; although I would have to say that wedding guests tend to fall into 'a'-list and 'b' list and you'd have to treat each person in each list the same when it came to inviting spouses. For example, if everybody in list 'a' or 'b' were only invited as individuals nobody should feel left out as they were ALL invited as 'single' people.

troisgarcons Wed 01-Jun-11 13:20:45

There were reams and reams of newspaper fillers on etiquette leading upto the Royal Wedding. Correct etiquette is to invite the person you know and not necessarily the other half also.

Personally I would find that odd with a married couple.

But if it's a non-committed relationship then why should you be buying a sit down meal for someone who (a) you don't/barely know (b) is unlikely to be a fixture in your friends life.

Abelia Wed 01-Jun-11 13:21:38

YANBU, you and your DH are a couple and you don't invite one half of a long-standing couple to your wedding, imo. Though you make your own "rule" for who to invite to your wedding I suppose, just so numbers don't get out of hand.

We invited a few of DH's rugby mates to our wedding, two had longterm gfs we had met only very briefly or not at all, one had a v new gf we'd never met. We invited the long standing gfs but not the other one I'm afraid, but it seemed fair.

DO you know whether thye have done the same for other wives? What does your DH think? Also what will you do all day - sit in the hotel room waiting until you're allowed to join in, as presumably you will be staying over?

ClaireDeLoon Wed 01-Jun-11 13:22:13

Agree it's rude. I've been to situations like papermate describes where a group of girls are invited without partners but when other couples in your group are invited and you're excluded then that is a snub, that's how I would take it.

JamieAgain Wed 01-Jun-11 13:22:39

Thinking about it - the reason I think it's rude is the irony of not valuing the marriage of someone you know and like, when it's Marriage you are celebrating, IYSWIM

Bananamash Wed 01-Jun-11 13:22:42

Glad I am not being over sensitive about it.

I don't think it is a mistake as there were two cards in the invite- one for the day with just DH name on it, and another for the evening reception on it with mine and DC names on it.

I don't know what to say to DH. Don't want to throw my teddies out the pram, but i do think it is rude. Not quite sure how to resolve it. DH will def want to go, not sure how he will feel about me not being invited... but i don't want him to say anything to them- I don't want to go if i have to beg for an invite!

Tahnks for replies

Wamster Wed 01-Jun-11 13:22:58

I would most definitely not consider it rude if nobody else's spouses had been invited, but a bit off if others had their spouses invited. Basically, it's got to be all of 'em or none of them for it to be polite and reasonable!

cremeeggsbenedict Wed 01-Jun-11 13:23:27

I think it's rude and any excuse of it being a numbers thing is totally lame. It has happened a couple of times to DH and I and we just politely decline any invitation to formal events that doesn't include us both. When his friends excluded me we found out later that others had plus ones. It's definitely a snub if other's partners are included.

Abelia Wed 01-Jun-11 13:24:14

oh right, it is because of the dc. They don't want dc's in the ceremony or at the meal but want to be inclusive in some way. How daft, why not talk to you about it instead? Do you need /want to take dcs?

Wamster Wed 01-Jun-11 13:24:41

Having said this, I am not of the opinion that married people have to be invited to everything together, in fact, 'we do everything together' attitude makes me a bit sick.

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