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to want my friends to know i have no desire to seduce their partners just because i am single

(124 Posts)
Mamaz0n Wed 01-Jun-11 11:48:53

I am newly single.

my pals all have partners and we all socialise together. we are all good mates and I get on really well with the menfolk as well as the women.

Saturday it was pals fella's birthday. They had a prty that i attended. we had a really good time. a little inhebriated i was moaning to pals fella (we will call him bob) about being single and telling him that as my mate it was his duty to find me a suitable replacement.

When i left he text me a really lovely text saying that i was great and that i shouldn't worry, i will find my Prince charming sooner or later.

It was lovely and really cheered me up. I replied taht he too was lovely, my pal was a lucky girl and that if i could find someone who made me 1 tenth of as happy as they made each other i would be gratefull.

Pal carried on drinking after i had left and yesterday he text me asking what he had text me as he doesn't save outbox messages. He was so drunk by the end that he couldn't remember.
We had a bit of banter as i was telling him all sorts (coming on to his mil, flashing his bum to passing police etc etc all very silly but funny - you had to be there)

anyway, conversation went to finding me a man, he asked what was i looking for. I replied "tall handsome funny intelligent. ya know, the usual"
he replied "so essentially, ME"

I really did lol.

converstion carried on a bit. just usual banter. same as we would have if we had been in a room with all our other friends and his partner. gentle ribbing meant with affection iyswim.

anyway, bumped into pal and i told her we had been texting and about the "essentially me" text. I thought it was hilarious that he was such a vain git.

It seems as soon as i left her she was on teh phone to him berating him for cominhg on to me, or for making me feel that he was interested.

I am actually deeply hurt that she could think i would think that. Or that there was a possibility that i would want that.

This has never been an issue when i was with Xp. but now it seems i am single and so should be treated differently.

My behaviour hasn't changed. Bobs behaviour hasn't changed. And yet pal's reaction has.

Is this my life now? to be shunned by my couple pals for fear that i will steal their man?

RockinSockBunnies Wed 01-Jun-11 11:54:07

Short answer- yes. Obviously a bit of a generalisation, but when I was a single mother I found couples very reluctant to socialise, as there appeared to be an unspoken view that I might 'steal' their man. Since being with DP, dinner party invitations have sprung up from all over the place.

It's very odd.

GypsyMoth Wed 01-Jun-11 12:05:21

i find this too.......its wierd

HumphreyCobbler Wed 01-Jun-11 12:07:35

how deeply irritating for you


PrincessJenga Wed 01-Jun-11 12:08:17

It doesn't sound like she was cross with you. It sounds like she was cross with him. And rightly so! The initial messages sound harmless, but the 'essentially, ME' text crossed the line.

Mamaz0n Wed 01-Jun-11 12:09:25

Irritating. and rather hurtful

That because i am single i am also so desperate for male attention that i would read every act of kind friendship as a come on.

PrincessJenga Wed 01-Jun-11 12:09:32

oh, but for your actual question... YANBU... hopefully they don't think that though.

ChristinedePizan Wed 01-Jun-11 12:10:08

Welcome to my world. Sucks, doesn't it? sad

Mamaz0n Wed 01-Jun-11 12:10:43

no no. The "essentially me" text was pure vanity and ego. not that he thought i wanted him. iyswim.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 01-Jun-11 12:11:19

but I think that it is the fact that SHE thought YOU might be 'interested' that I too would be so upset by. How could your friend misjudge you so badly? How close a friend is she?

Mamaz0n Wed 01-Jun-11 12:21:47

that is exactly it Humphry.

She is quite a good mate. If i were in a playground i would say that we are a group of 3 "best friends"

wannaBe Wed 01-Jun-11 12:22:56

no yanbu. I think it's a sad world we live in where a bit of banter is considered a pre-cursor to wanting an affair.

porcamiseria Wed 01-Jun-11 12:28:43

I think you crossed the line TBH, I think text banter with a friends partner is OFF. Its fine to have fun when you are out, but the minute a friends partner starts texting I would think UH OH

can you see thats its a bit inappropriate? would you have liked it if your ex was having fun n flirty texts with your mates?

I think you need to have the radar on for whats banter, and whats borderline flurting, if only to protect yourself better

NanAstley Wed 01-Jun-11 12:37:11

porcamiseria, I see what you're saying but (and this is a big but) I am assuming that this form of banter was a part of their friendship before Mamazon became single. I have this kind of banter with my friend's dh (not all of them, just the one whose sense of humour is the same as mine). Right now neither his wife nor my husband even blink an eye, even joining in, because we are all in secure relationships. If I or he suddenly became single, and this banter was now viewed as flirting by his wife or my dh, then I would be terribly hurt.

Mamazon, YANBU. Sorry you have to face this, but in my experience, it is very common sad

nijinsky Wed 01-Jun-11 12:43:15

YANBU OP, although it might also have something to do with the fact that so many men think a woman fancies them because she speaks to them (or accidentally looks at them because they are standing in the way).

I do think though that there are few women who will happily tolerate such texting by their partner to another woman, whether single or not. Appreciate its been going on for a long time and nothing more was intended, but it might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

luvvinlife Wed 01-Jun-11 12:47:40

It almost always opens up a can of envy worms when texts start flying between a singleton and a spoken for.

I've always found its best to avoid anything other than simple stuff, although the urge to flirt is hard to suppress sometimes.

porcamiseria Wed 01-Jun-11 12:53:11

i would not like DP having text banter with another women, single , married, divorced whatever! I think OP is being disengenous saying "OH its becuase I am single". Its cos you had flirty texts with a mates DP, simple! think you were very naive

bubblecoral Wed 01-Jun-11 12:58:57

I think you went a little to far, I wouldn't like my attractive simgle mate having too much text banter with my husband. Not because I'm not secure in my relationship or because I don't trust my friend or my dh, i just wouldn't like it.

I know what you mean though, because I went through the same in my single years. More amongst my friends who were Mums rather than my actual real long term friends. It used to make me wonder why they would think I would see anything remotely attractive in their husbands, when I really didn't. But I would understand that I would have been disrespectful to their feelings if I had started texting their husbands in a bantery way. especially if I was bemoaning teh fact that I was single. Like it or not, that sort of thing would appeal to many men's egos in a she's a damsel in distress and I get to feel all heroic if I rescue (be nice) to her.

Mamaz0n Wed 01-Jun-11 13:00:05

Yes we banter ALL the time. What was said via text was not at all different to what would have been said if pal was stood there with us.
I really did read nothing more into it than that. I am certain that he intended nothing more to it than that.

We both have similar sense of humour. we send each other daft jokes all the time. same as he does my xp and other pals.

I don't know. I guess i just have to remember now that everything i say and do will be percieved as predatory. It is sad

Snuppeline Wed 01-Jun-11 13:04:43

I agree with Porcamiseria, bantering when your out socialising together is fine (to a point) but texting is completely off. Even if your friend "should" trust you you have no idea (presumably) of how secure she feels in her relationship. In any case it may not be cool for her. I think you put yourself in the "single and preying on taken-men" category yourself. You may see it as banter but others may see it as flirting or pulling. In fact, you may think you haven't changed at all (since you were hanging out with a boyfriend with them) but banter when you are "safe" (i.e. taken, and your man is present at the party) is quite differently viewed than when your single. Such are the social rules.

Calm down the bantering and stop the texting and I'm sure you'll get more invitations. So yes, YABU.

wannaBe Wed 01-Jun-11 13:11:38

I think the fact though that mamazon openly told her friend about what was said is proof enough that she's not out to seduce her dh!

msshapelybottom Wed 01-Jun-11 13:14:22 a single woman myself surrounded by friends and neighbours in relationships, I make sure I am really really careful not to have anything but small talk with attached guys, no way would I be texting a guy with flirty banter if he was with someone. It's to protect myself from gossip because yes, there is a feeling that because I don't have a man of my own, I surely must be looking to steal someone else's!

It is sooooo frustrating I agree with you - I feel sometimes like wearing a plaque saying "just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm desperate" or words to that effect!

I'd stop the texting if I were you - whether you like it or not, being single does completely change the dynamics in even the most long-standing friendships.

bubblecoral Wed 01-Jun-11 13:16:33

You would think wouldn't you wannabe?

But it would be naieve to think that there aren't some very unhappy insecure woman out there that would say that to another woman because it made them feel better about the fact that they could still get a man to banter with them.

Not saying this is what Mamazon was doing though, just that there are women that would, and do.

Sad but true.

WhoAteMySnickers Wed 01-Jun-11 13:24:42

I think you crossed the line. And it's nothing to do with you being single.

"What was said via text was not at all different to what would have been said if pal was stood there with us" - but your pal wasn't stood there with you was she? Obviously leading her to feel like it was being done behind her back.

I wouldn't be happy at my DH and a mate of mine texting the way you described it whether that mate was married, single, gorgeous or a complete old hag.

Gster Wed 01-Jun-11 13:26:45

I think the single thing is often a problem unfortunately.

Two examples. One about a SAHD and one about a singleton ( me ! ) A friend of mine is a SAHD and he always felt like an outsider with other mums. He's a lovely bloke, totally grounded. But he always felt he couldn't take part in a lot of the mum's meet ups.

I spoke to one of the mum's by chance one day and she sounded confused, ' but we all love 'dave' ' . My friends point however was that there was no way around the difficulty of being a bloke sitting at the kitchen table when the husband comes home from work.

The other situation is one I've recently experienced. I moved recently, and thankfully my neighbours are a really nice family with kids. Kids who are very sweet to my dd who comes to stay every other weekend. Result !

However, the husband went away one weekend, I popped next door so that my daughter could play, ended up staying a bit to watch some cartoons, offered a beer, chat to the mum. All very innocent, nothing on my agenda other than making dd happy.

Since then the husband hasn't been rude, but defiantly a change, slight suspicion in his eye. And I can kind of see it. Single bloke next door, sports car, bit of a charmer, etc, etc, etc hang on, is is after my Mrs ?!?!?!

Trying to decide whether or not to take him out for a beer and re-assure him that I have no plans on his Mrs.

But I think there'll always be a level of suspicion about the single person.

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